In the wake of Lord Ashcroft’s lurid revelations of David Cameron’s alleged sexual misconduct with a dead pig during his student days, a number of other animals have come forward to claim that they too have been victims of sexual misconduct by senior Tories. Many apparently reported their ordeals to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA), only to have their allegations ignored or dismissed, sparking claims of a high level cover up. “That Leon Brittan did terrible things to my little Harold,” seventy eight year old Doris Spokes told the Daily Norks, describing how her pet dachshund had been molested by the late former Home Secretary. “It was when I was one of his constituents – we often used to see him in the park when I was there walking Harold. One day Mr Brittan asked if he could walk him for a while. Of course, I thought it would be all right – he was a Tory MP for goodness sake!” But as soon as Harold and Leon returned from the walk, Doris knew that something was wrong. “Poor little Harold was clearly traumatised – I could see it in his eyes and the way he was trembling,” she told the tabloid. “Believe me, I knew Harold well enough that I could understand him perfectly – over the next few days I coaxed the truth out of him, I carefully questioned him, he replied with one bark for ‘yes’, two for ‘no’. I was shocked to learn of how Mr Brittan had taken him to a shed in a secluded garden and dome unspeakable things to him, before several other well dressed men joined him and did even more unspeakable things to the poor little dog!”
Naturally, Doris reported the whole unsavoury business to her local RSPCA branch, but was left disappointed by their reaction. “The inspector they sent round told me that they couldn’t proceed due to a lack of actual evidence,” she claims. “He said that Harold’s testimony – as told to me through his barks, whimpers and body language – didn’t count as a witness statement! It was obvious to me that Mr Brittan and the Tory party had got to them!” According to the Daily Norks, poor little Harold’s experience is merely the tip of the iceberg with regard to the high-level bestiality allegations, claiming in a recent exclusive story that a city farm in South London was at the centre of new abuse allegations. “Our research has shown that an unusually high number of Tory MPs, including several ministers, visited the farm during the 1980s – often in large groups”, claims the newspaper’s Deputy Crime Editor, Jason Crimp. “We have credible witness testimony that they indulged their animal passions with unconsenting beasts there – sometimes even resulting in fatalities!” Unperturbed by rival news outlets attempts to discredit the story by pointing out the lack of any bodies or reports of animal deaths during the period in question, Crimp has, in a further article, revealed that the MPs shockingly disposed of the evidence by cooking and eating their victims. “It’s the perfect crime, really,” he explained. “Not only did these perverted bastards have their twisted sexual pleasure with these poor creatures when they were alive, but then got further pleasure from them by devouring their dead flesh!”
Ignoring claims that his ‘credible witness’ is actually a Shetland pony which gave its ‘evidence’ by stamping its hoof once for ‘yes’, twice for ‘no’, (not unlike Harold the dachshund’s barking testimony), Crimp has gone on to claim in his paper’s pages that the Tory MPs’ proclivities for animal abuse was evident even in their student days. “Many of them were members of one of those exclusive Oxford University dining clubs,” he says. “This one was ostensibly about eating exotic animals, which were brought into the venue live, in cages. Of course, the bastards would have the beasts tranquilised, then have their way with them before having them cooked and served up as dinner! There’s even one well known former Tory MP, now a member of the House of Lords, who boasted of having actually shagged a tiger to death before eating it. Mind you, sometimes it would go wrong – an animal wouldn’t have been given a big enough dose of tranquiliser and would fight back. According a waitress who attended one of these events, at least one former cabinet minister was rendered impotent after being bitten on the testicles by a chimp when he tried to T-bag the primate! There’s also a rumour we’ve been unable to verify that another former minister was raped by a gorilla when it turned the tables on him. Apparently he quite enjoyed it.”
Crimp also claims that the porcine porking allegations recently levelled at Prime Minister David Cameron came as no surprise to him. “He’s always been into fox hunting and all those so called field sports which involve being cruel to animals,” opines the journalist. “It’s my guess that the bastards bugger the poor fox to death once they run it down. I shudder to think of the kind of depraved orgies they have with the hounds after the hunt is over! It’s not just foxes, either, if you ask me: badger baiting – badger buggering, more likely!” The reporter has also controversially claimed that the whole ‘high level peadophile ring’ allegations – which have taken up many police resources and much of the media’s attention – was actually a diversionary tactic concocted by the high level bestiality ring to divert attention from their activities. “Sure, people are disgusted and outraged by the idea of wealthy and powerful men abusing children,” he says. “But we all know that what upsets the British most is animal cruelty – they feared the sort of backlash they’d face.” He also thinks it no coincidence that the current Tory government is currently proposing to strip the RSPCA of its power to bring prosecutions in cases of animal cruelty. “The RSPCA might have been ineffective in the past,” he muses. “But it’s clear that the animal abusing Tory bastards are worried that they might still have evidence from the past cases they suppressed.”
Other commentators are highly sceptical as to the veracity of the whole supposed high lvel bestiality conspiracy, arguing that the story which kicked it all off – Cameron’s supposed sexual encounter with a pig’s head – was itself planted by Conservative Central Office. “It’s a clear diversionary tactic,” contends Dr Liam O’Queef, head of political studies at the London School of Basket Weaving. “Whilst everyone’s focusing on this so called ‘Pig Gate’, Cameron’s government is busy snatching our pensions, selling off our assets and destroying the welfare state unobserved.” As O’Queef points out, Cameron has already indicated that he doesn’t intend seeking another term as Prime Minister, so any damage to his reputation will have little long-term relevance. “It’s a case of Dave taking one for the team,” the academic says. “Not only does it divert attention in the short term from his government’s political and economic depravities, but it also means that any unsavoury revelations about any of his cabinet colleagues will seem mild by comparison to his having allegedly had oral sex with a dead pig.” Meanwhile, the Labour Party is bracing itself for the Daily Mail‘s forthcoming allegations that its vegetarian leader Jeremy Corbyn once had sex with a melon.