Jihadist group ISIS have claimed responsibility for the huge turd which recently brought Brussels to a standstill. The gigantic jobbie was found in a public lavatory at a Metro station in the Belgian capital, causing the closure of the entire system after the authorities were forced to declare a ‘Code Brown’ . “It was so big that the end of it was sticking up out of the bowl – it was like someone had been trying to flush a huge brown whale down the pan. I shudder to think of the internal damage that must have done to whoever passed it,” British businessman Victor Trock, who claims to have discovered the giant smoker told Sky News. “I was desperate – touching cloth, in fact – when I rushed into those toilets. I shoved open the door of the first stall and there it was! The stench was appalling – like something had died – I was immediately gagging and retching!” The evil stench quickly wafted through the air conditioning and permeated the whole Metro system, forcing the authorities to evacuate and close it down. Whilst accepting that this action undoubtedly saved lives, Trock was left disgruntled by his treatment at the hands of the Belgian Special Forces. “They all came piling into the toilets and bundled everyone out – they refused to let me take a dump in one of the other cubicles,” he complained to Sky News. “Obviously, by that time I was desperate and had no choice but to shit myself – you can add my trousers to the list of victims claimed by this latest terrorist atrocity.”

With Brussels on lock down, the Belgian authorities were faced with the problem of safely disposing of the titanic turd. “Simply flushing it away could have been a disaster,” opined sanitary expert Thaddeus Cacker on This Morning. “A stonker like that would probably have blocked the u-bend, resulting in massive local flooding as the bowl overflowed. Even if it had managed to flush away, it would inevitably have caused huge blockages in the Brussels sewer system, resulting in damaged pipes and localised backing up!” News crews captured footage of NBC-suited soldiers descending into the Metro armed with shovels and plungers, leading Cacker to believe that the jobbie had to be removed from the scene manually. “I’ve no doubt that it was taken in sealed containers to a secure scientific facility – the Belgian equivalent to Porton Down, probably – for further analysis,” he mused from the daytime TV series’ sofa . “There’s no way they would have risked trying to destroy it with a controlled explosion after they’d got it out of there – there would have been a real risk of shit showering down all over the Low Countries.”

Cacker suspects that the turd might not have been an isolated incident, but rather part of a wider terror plot. “If they’d managed to get enough of these big jobbies into the system, the Jihadists could have backed up the entire city sewerage system,” he speculated. “Brussels would have been awash with human effluent!” Indeed, sources within the Belgian defence ministry have confirmed that they had feared that Islamic extremists might have succeeded in depositing several more massive turds in strategically placed public toilets around the capital. “That’s why they had to declare ‘Code Brown’ and put the whole city into lock down,” Cacker told an astonished Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby on the ITV morning show. “They had to check every crapper in Brussels. Although their search drew a blank, they did notice several suspicious skid marks in some of the bowls, leading them to suspect that there had been a mass crapping campaign by the terrorists and that the giant turd might have been the only one which had failed to flush, forcing them to check the entire sewer system.” Whilst no further blockbuster turds were found in the sewers, another abnormally large smoker was found on a park bench, causing panic and forcing the police to issue a statement urging Brussels residents to stay in their own homes, fearing a widespread ‘dirty campaign’ against the city’s public places. “The one on the park bench turned out to be a false alarm,” Cacker explained. “It turned out to have been left by a tramp who, it was determined after two days of water boarding, had no connection to ISIS.”

It is believed that the Brussels attack was retaliation for the elimination of the so-called ‘Jihadi John’ in Syria. According to the front page of The Sun the facility had been a specially constructed convenience for the use of top Jihadi fighters. “These cowardly bastards believe that even taking a dump is sinful and that the use of toilet paper is heretical,” alleged Middle Eastern expert Arnold Frule told the tabloid. “According to their mad Mullahs having a pony is about expelling evil in the physical form of shit from the body and that their arseholes can only be cleansed of all traces of it by being wiped by their own left hand, which must first be blessed by an Imam! This ‘Jihadi John’ was their holiest crapper, where their fighters could be sure of emerging blessed by Allah after doing their evil business!” Frule’s article has been widely criticised – with several experts describing it as ‘bollocks’ – as has the paper’s subsequent poll which allegedly showed that ‘one in five Muslims admit to wiping their arses with their hands’. Thankfully, the newspaper stopped short of endorsing Frule’s calls for readers to wipe their own backsides with pages torn from the Koran in protest at the toilet terror attack.

In the UK, meanwhile, Prime Minister David Cameron has vowed to stand ‘shoulder to shoulder’ with Belgium in the face of the atrocity and has told the Commons that he and the cabinet are drawing up plans for an appropriate military response. Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, however, has pointed out the futility of attempting tit-for-tat attacks, targeting public toilets in ISIS-held parts of Syria. “Such action would be self-defeating,” he told Cameron at Prime Minister’s Questions. “We must remember that they don’t have our sophisticated waste disposal systems. In fact, they simply shit in a hole in the ground – bombing them will simply create even bigger holes for them to crap in.” Corbyn was later forced to apologise for his comments condemning the use of a ‘shoot to kill’ policy regarding terrorists, admitting that he had misheard the Prime Minister, who had actually referred to the terrorists’ current ‘Shit to Kill’ strategy.