Just who are the celebrities hiding behind the latest crop of super injunctions? Whilst Britain’s tabloids have been desperately attempting to get the injunctions preventing them from naming the celebrities involved in alleged three-in-a-bed romps, or the subject of kiss-and-tell revelations from former sex workers lifted, one journalist believes that he might have uncovered the extraordinary truth behind the – censored – headlines. “When I first read in the US magazines that the celebrity involved in the kiss-and-tell injunction was a major A-List British actor, I felt sure that it going to turn out to be Sir Ian McKellan,” says Ronnie Toe, Showbiz Correspondent for the Daily Norks. “He was in all those Hobbit films, wasn’t he? Not to mention X-Men. If that doesn’t make him A-list, I don’t know what would!” Sir Ian’s sexual orientation and the fact that the former sex worker at the centre of the story was female didn’t deter Toe from pursuing the story. “Listen, that’s what made the story so sensational – let’s face it ‘famous man pays call girl for sex’ is hardly shocking any more, let alone a news story worthy of the front page,” he explained. “But ‘leading self avowedly gay star’s secret straight sex shame with prostitute’ is just about the most sensational sex scandal headline you can have these days!”
So enthused at the prospect of Toe’s speculative exclusive was the Daily Norks, that it even had a front page mocked up and ready to roll should the combined legal might of Britain’s gutter press get the super injunction lifted. “We were hoping that it could be the first of a series in which we ‘Inned’ well known, supposedly gay, celebrities,” says Toe. “The idea was to expose the way in which unscrupulous would be stars are prepared to fake homosexuality, even to the extent of entering into civil partnerships, in order to get to the top in the entertainment industry. It’s an open secret that the business is in thrall to the ‘gay mafia’ and the quickest way to get on is to go gay yourself. It worked for Elton John, after all. I remember when he was a moderately popular straight singer married to a lady. Then he started hooking up with guys and became a mega star overnight.” The tabloid was already lining up its next gay celebrity targets when news came in that the High Court had refused to lift the super injunction. “We had our sights set on John Barrowman and Alan Carr – I mean, they’re just so gay they can’t be real. No real gay person would ever be that flamboyant,” Toe opines. “But, in the event, the super injunction not being lifted turned out to be a blessing in disguise as, if we’d run with the McKellan story, we’d have been barking up the wrong tree, as it turned out.”
The journalist was forced to abandon his original theory as to the identity of the celebrity being shielded by the super injunction after receiving a photograph from a reliable source inside the entertainment industry. “What I saw in that photo blew my mind, I can tell you,” he admitted. “At first I thought that it had to be a fake, but I had it checked out by experts and they assured me that there was no fakery involved.” Incredibly, the picture appeared to show the supposedly recently deceased singer Prince cavorting naked with a group of young women at some kind of sex party. “My initial thought was that it was historical, taken before his death,” Toe muses. “But there’s a huge TV playing in the background and, when I checked, I found that the programme playing on it was first broadcast a week after Prince’s death!” Whilst Prince couldn’t be the celebrity protected by the super injunction – the liaisons alleged by the sex worker occurred long before his death – the photo left Toe pondering whether the actual celebrity involved were, themselves, dead. “It all made sense, the super injunction was there to conceal the fact that a supposedly dead celebrity was actually alive and having sex with a prostitute,” he says. “Either that, or they had returned from the grave as some kind of living dead monster with an insatiable appetite for sex.”
“Assuming the former to be more likely, the beauty of this new scenario is that, if we can identify the supposedly dead celebrity in question, then we might be able to circumvent the super injunction all together,” Toe enthuses. “After all, if they are officially dead, surely the super injunction would be invalidated as the dead cannot be libelled?” Identifying the dead celebrity is proving more problematic, despite Toe receiving more photographic evidence of deceased and famous people engaged in all manner of hedonistic pursuits. “The trouble is that, so far, they’re all American, rather than ‘A-list British actors’,” he laments. “That said, I’ve seen some pretty sensational stuff. I think that I can safely say that you’ll soon be reading the headline ‘Whacko Jacko in posthumous rent boy orgy’. Being dead has finally emboldened the ‘King of Pop’ to come out, it seems.”
But just why are major stars from the world of entertainment faking their own deaths (other than to have illicit sex with prostitutes)? “I’m reliably informed that it is primarily for tax purposes,” reveals Toe. “It’s an open secret in celebrity circles that being ‘dead’ is one of the loopholes exploited by top tax accountants like David Cameron’s supposedly dead dad – if you are dead, you aren’t liable for income tax.” Obviously, care has to be taken by the ‘deceased’ with regard to wills. “Clearly, they have to make sure that they don’t leave too much of their fortunes to their relatives otherwise it will just vanish in inheritance tax,” says the journalist. “Of course, you have to bequeath a token amount, to keep up the pretence of being dead, but the secret is to transfer most of your money into untraceable numbered Swiss bank accounts before your supposed ‘death’, which can then only be accessed by the new identity you’ve adopted.” Toe’s theories have been widely dismissed, with journalistic rivals pointing out that the identities of the British celebrities currently protected by super injunctions can easily be verified via US media: none of them are currently dead.