“Look, it is a gross infringement of British sovereignty that we can’t dump our own sewage on our own beaches,” declares Gerard Storker, a local councillor in the popular seaside resort of Fircombe-on-Sea. “This whole ‘cleaner beaches’ business – requiring us to ensure that coastal sewage outlets are long enough to stop effluent washing up onto the beaches – foisted on us by the EU is outrageous. I just thank God that, come ‘Brexit’, Englishmen will once again be free to have beaches as filthy as they like!” Storker – who has represented UKIP on Fircombe council for more than a decade – is one of many local politicians who are looking forward to being released from the yoke of European red tape and regulations now that the UK has voted to leave the EU. Convinced that repealing EU environmental regulations will bring prosperity back to Britain’s beleaguered coastal resorts, Storker is already urging his local council to draw up plans for new, post-’Brexit’, sewage disposal arrangements. “There’s no doubt that our seaside towns have been in decline ever since Brussels started to insist that we cleaned up the beaches,” he insists. “It took away part of the essential essence of the British beach – people expected to see untreated sewage sweeping in on the tide, for God’s sake! I remember that when I was a boy it was considered great sport to dodge the floaters as they came in on the waves! Being chased up the beach by a ‘brown trout’ was a highlight of a day at the beach! Besides, without all those turds stinking away on a hot day, all you can smell at the seaside now is the rotting seaweed. I know which I prefer!”

Under Storker’s proposals the town’s sewage outlets would be truncated, spewing out effluent only few yards offshore. Moreover, he is calling for the local sewage treatment works to be closed and the raw sewage dumped directly into the sea. “Just think of the money we’ll save by closing that plant down,” he enthuses. “The idea that we need to ‘treat’ sewage before we dump it into the sea is ridiculous , anyway. Shit is shit, for God’s sake – you can’t polish a turd, after all!” Storker rejects claims by environmentalists that pumping raw sewage directly into the sea would be an environmental disaster, risking the destruction of local aquatic ecosystems. “Oh for goodness sake!” he sighs. “It’s not as if the seas is clean in the first place, is it? I mean, fish, whales and assorted other sea creatures are shitting in the sea all the time and nobody is claiming that all that crap is causing mass extinctions, are they? Are these people claiming that human waste is especially toxic and capable of killing all other living things?” Describing surfacing with a piece of used toilet paper on your face during a swim as ‘character forming’, Storker is adamant that ‘a bit of shit in the sand’ would be beneficial for children playing on Britain’s beaches. “It’s acknowledged medical fact that the reason Britain’s children are so beset with allergies and such like is because we keep them too clean – exposure to small amounts of excrement as they play on the beach would be hugely beneficial,” he says. “Not only that, but with some crap mixed into it, the sand will have a much thicker consistency, allowing the kids to build much bigger and better sand castles.”

Whilst generally well received by fellow ‘Brexiteers’, Storker’s proposals have been met with some reservations by other right-wingers, who are worried that his plans could result in foreign turds landing, en masse, on British beaches. “We have to ensure that British beaches are for British shit only,” opines top ‘Leave’ campaigner and Tory back bencher Edwin Bumstone. “The thought that British children might end up playing in sand sodden with foreign bodily waste turns my stomach. Clearly, we have to find some way of filtering out the waste produced by foreigners living in the UK before the sewage hits the sea.” Storker himself is sympathetic to such views, but points out that, with ‘Brexit’ meaning that most EU immigrants will be thrown out of the country, there should be far less foreign shit in Britain’s sewage system, making less of a problem. “Nevertheless, something will still have to be done.,” he concedes. “Perhaps we could have people actually viewing the sewage and spotting the foreign stuff before it is all ejected into the sea. I mean, there must surely be a study somewhere, which identifies the visual differences between British and foreign turds?”

As it happens, such a study does exist, compiled by Professor Stan Pritt, founder member of the pressure group ‘Immigration Watch’, who has made an extensive examination of the various types of excrement produced by different racial groups and ethnicities. “It’s not so much the visual differences as the smell,” declares Pritt, whose study has been widely condemned as ‘completely unscientific’ by New Scientist and ‘utter bollocks’ by the Royal Institute. “It’s an established fact that foreign faeces smell far fouler than British faeces. Personally, I put it down to all that fancy foreign food they eat – it loosens their bowels, meaning that the excrement is released not fully digested. Good stodgy British food – pie and chips, roast beef and greasy fry ups, for instance – ensure that our crap is far more solid, spending far longer passing through the intestines, which minimises the stench.” Based on Britt’s study, Bumstone is proposing the training of special ‘sniffer’ dogs, which will be able to detect the malodourous foreign turds and alert the authorities to their presence on the beaches, facilitating their removal before they can threaten British children.

Storker, however, has a far simpler counter-proposal for dealing with the problem. “The simplest solution would be to make foreign visitors to the UK shit in buckets and take their filth back home with them,” he says. “Repatriate foreign shit! ‘Brexit’ should mean ‘Brex-shit’!” Perhaps surprisingly, Professor Pritt doesn’t support the idea of dumping raw sewage directly onto Britain’s coastline – instead of shortening the current outlet pipes, he believes that they should be lengthened. “We need to make pipes so long that they’ll be dumping our shit onto European beaches,” he opines. “Not only will it ensure that the Germans, the French, the Dutch and all the other EU bastards get their foul smelling filth back – and our good British shit into the bargain – but it will make their beaches so filthy that tourists will flock to a post-EU Britain’s beaches instead! We won’t be dumping Europe post-’Brexit’, so much as dumping on Europe!”