A newspaper columnist has sensationally claimed that al Qeada is not an Islamic fundamentalist terror group, but actually it is a front for a coalition of environmental and naturist groups. “It’s quite obvious,” ranted John Barnyard in his column in The Shite. “What have most of these so-called ‘terror’ attacks been aimed at, eh? Aircraft! Can’t people see that the real agenda here is to scare people out of travelling by air!” According to the conservative columnist, the only winners from such a strategy are climate change campaigners and environmentalists. “They’re always banging on about how excessive air travel is destroying the ozone layer and how the best way to reduce carbon emissions is to restrict it,” he claims. “They’ve obviously failed to scare people into believing that the world will end if they continue to fly, so instead they’re just going to scare people out of taking foreign holidays!” As further evidence of the conspiracy, Barnyard points out that the man behind al Qeada is a man with a large beard who lives in a cave. “For God’s sake, if that isn’t a stereotypical environmentalist, I don’t know what is,” he wrote. “What’s more, bin Laden doesn’t even have the huge bushy beard typical of crazy Islamic fundamentalists – he favours the long wispy type favoured by tree-hugging greens! He even wears sandals, for Christ’s sake!” Even if the prospect of being blown out of the air by crazed suicide bombers exploding their underpants doesn’t scare people out of flying, Barnyard contends, the environmentalists are hoping that increasingly stringent security measures at airports will deter them instead. “Let’s face it – who wants to queue for twelve hours for a flight?” he asks. “As if that isn’t deterrent enough, they’re now threatening intrusive full body scans!” Indeed, Barnyard is convinced that the full body scans are part of the naturist faction of the terror alliance’s plot to impose nudism on the general population. “For decades now these freaks have failed to convince people that we should all run around completely starkers,” he says. “With these full body scans, they’re effectively making us all naturists by proxy! Once you step through one of those scanners, your entire body is exposed for every immigration and airport official to gawp at! It’s a bloody disgrace!”
The columnist has claimed that he has evidence that an unusually high proportion of Borders Agency staff are practising naturists. “They’ve clearly spent years infiltrating immigration, customs and security organisations in order to achieve their ends,” he opines, adding that he believes the conspiracy has even penetrated the upper echelons of British politics. “I have it on good authority that at least two cabinet ministers are closet nudists – a top paparazzi swears blind that he’s seen them parading naked around their houses whilst he was peering through cracks in their curtains, if he hadn’t forgotten his camera, he’d have the pictures to prove it – whilst there are persistent rumours that David Cameron has conducted shadow cabinet meetings entirely in the buff!” Barnyard believes the eventual aim of the sinister terror coalition is clear. “The conspiracy is there for everyone to see,” states the climate change denier. “It’s only a small step from full body scans to insisting that everyone flies naked for security reasons – why else do you think they’ve now got so-called ‘terrorists’ using their clothes as weapons of mass destruction? ” Once flying nude has been proven to reduce the risk of terror incidents in the air, contends Barnyard, then the naturists will start to campaign for general public nudity in the name of security. Whilst denying being any part of a terror conspiracy, leading British naturists have pointed out the security advantages universal nudity would bring. “Just imagine – suicide bombers would be unable to conceal the explosives strapped to their bodies. Indeed, violent crime generally would become more difficult to commit, due to the impossibility of carrying any kind of concealed weapon,” mused Dan Dongler of the British Union of Nudists when confronted with Barnyard’s allegations. “There’s no doubt that nudity is the key to creating a truly peaceful and non-violent society.” The columnist is, naturally, unimpressed by such sentiments. “This is just the kind of dippy hippie nonsense these lunatics trade in – everybody dancing around trees naked, celebrating the glories of Mother Nature,” he snorts dismissively. “Far from making Britain a safer place, enforced nudity and nature worship would leave us completely vulnerable to attack! What good will a bunch of bare arsed pacifists waving flowers be against a horde of fanatical jihadists, eh?” Barnyard argues that the environmentalists have a track record of associating with dubious political causes. “Let’s not forget that the Nazis were renowned for their love of forests and were highly enthusiastic about the concept of preserving the natural environment,” he points out. “It’s surely no coincidence that the targets of their bombing in the last war were Britain’s cities, rather than the countryside!”
Perhaps surprisingly, Barnyard’s theories have gained support from a prominent figure on the left of the political spectrum. “It’s quite clear that these green bastards have a highly sinister secret agenda,” declares top trade union leader Jim Crapwell, who believes that attempts to restrict cheap flights are aimed primarily at stopping the lower classes from travelling overseas. “Particularly disturbing are their constant calls for the curbing of the use of personal vehicles, despite the fact that public transport remains totally inadequate. Could it be that what they are really trying to do is restrict the free movement (and by extension the personal liberty) of the ordinary working man?” According to the leader of the National Federation of Poultry Sexers, the environmental lobby’s prime objective is to force the working classes back into the cities and preserve the countryside and exotic foreign holiday destinations as a playgrounds for the privileged. “Who has been one of Britain’s most prominent environmentalists in recent years, eh?” asks Crapwell. “Lord Jonathan Porrit, that’s who! The environmentalists are clearly just another front for those establishment lackeys, the deadly landowners and capitalists lobby!” By restricting private car use, Crapwell contends, the environmentalists also hope to force more working people to use public transport. “The reality is that this so-called ‘public transport’ is now mainly in the hands of private capitalist asset strippers, who will charge extortionate fares and demand exorbitant public subsidies when their under-invested infrastructure proves inadequate,” he says. “Once again, the tree-huggers are simply helping to line the pockets of their bloodsucking capitalist compatriots!” However, Crapwell remains a lone voice of support, with Barnyard’s claims having been largely been dismissed as the demented rantings of a crackpot. Indeed, many critics have pointed out that he has a track record for such bizarre claims, having previously used his column in The Shite to allege that climate change was a scam devised by the home improvement industry to increase sales of loft insulation.