In an attempt to attain the pampered lifestyles allegedly enjoyed by illegal immigrants to the UK, a group of Britons have given up their British citizenship to take up residence in a number of East European and Third World countries, including Albania, Sudan and Afghanistan, before attempting to re-enter the UK illegally. However, they are now threatening to sue anti-immigration organisation AsylumWatch after failing to obtain free housing, jump waiting lists for treatment at British hospitals, or be paid thousands of pounds of welfare benefits. Pearl Churn decided to become a Sudanese citizen after reading an AsylumWatch report in a newspaper, telling of how immigrants and asylum seekers were flooding to the UK to be given high paid jobs and free housing. “I’d been living on benefit in a crappy council house for three years,” said the Basildon mother of three. “They also said that the kids of these asylum seekers get free English lessons, free school meals and free uniforms – it seemed like the ideal opportunity to make a new start!” Churn and her children were accompanied by her boyfriend, Mike Bozack, who had been finding it difficult to secure work having recently served five year prison sentence for a series of arson attacks against immigrants. However, things began to go awry for the Churns when they attempted to return to England. “First of all we were forced to pay over a thousand pounds a head to get places along with over a hundred other asylum seekers in the stinking hold of a leaking tramp sailing from Tunis to Italy, then, en route, the ship was attacked by pirates and we were sold into slavery,” says Churn. “Me and my two daughters were sold to an Omani potentate and forced to be his sex slaves for three months. Poor Mike and my son were forced to work in a Yemeni sweatshop making fake designer goods!”
Churn and her daughters were eventually able to escape to Lebanon, but were only able to raise the funds necessary to get to Europe by selling the eldest daughter into prostitution at a notorious Beirut brothel. Churn hasn’t seen her since. Finally arriving in Britain after stowing away on a Channel Tunnel freight train, and joined by Bozack and her son, who had escaped from the sweatshop after selling their bodies for sex to a group of influential Yemeni perverts, Churn found herself rehoused in the very same council house she had earlier fled. “It was hell – the kids were subjected to racist abuse at school and we had the house daubed with slogans like ‘Go home scrounging foreign scum’. Soon after that we started getting bricks through the windows,” explains a tearful Churn, who – along with her family – was eventually forced out of the house by a firebomb attack. Now living in a dingy Notting Hill bedsit, their only source of income comes from her prostitution. “At first Mike acted as my pimp, but he was beaten up by a gang of Albanians, for whom I now work. In return for sixty percent of my earnings they provide me with customers and protect me from rival gangs. It is a living, I suppose.”
Fifty-eight year old Simon Orchard, a double-glazing fitter from Dartford, who had been unable to work for several months due to a knee injury, also decided to become an asylum seeker after seeing one of AsylumWatch’s reports. “According to them, illegal immigrants are flooding into Britain to get priority medical treatment at the taxpayers’ expense,” he explains “Indeed, I’d been waiting six months for an operation to correct my knee problems – during that time I saw a steady stream of these bastard immigrants jumping ahead of me to get treatment just because they were bleeding a bit after being stabbed with a broken bottle, or they’d suffered a few minor burns after their houses had been burnt down!” Having migrated to Albania, Mr Orchard then endured a gruelling six week journey across Europe, by mule, lorry and train, eventually re-entering the UK strapped to the underside of a Spanish heavy goods vehicle. Upon making himself known to the British authorities, Orchard found himself stripped and subjected to an intimate search of his body cavities, before being locked in a cell with seven other suspected illegal immigrants for forty-eight hours.
“It was a shocking way to treat a sick man – not only was my knee killing me, but I was suffering from both carbon monoxide poisoning and dehydration as a result of being strapped under that lorry for sixteen hours! On top of that my arsehole was aching to buggery after that body search,” he complains. “When I asked for hospital treatment, the immigration officers just laughed at me and gave me a couple of aspirin!” Orchard soon found himself interred in a detention centre awaiting deportation to Albania. Forced to subsist on the most basic of meals and sleep in an unheated dormitory with only a single blanket for warmth, his health deteriorated further. “My knee got so bad I was hobbling around on crutches! Finally, after I had a serious fall, they were forced to refer me to the local hospital. By this time my leg was so bad they were forced to amputate it,” he bemoans. “To add insult to injury, they provided me with the cheapest wooden prosthetic leg available! This isn’t the life of gourmet meals, priority private health care and five star accommodation AsylumWatch promised for illegal immigrants!”
AsylumWatch, a shadowy organisation rumoured to have links with several far-right groups and believed to be backed by two right-wing Tory MPs, has declined to comment on the threats of legal action. Indeed, its office, situated above a dry-cleaner in Chiswick, remains locked and unmanned, both of its employees apparently having gone into hiding. Mystery surrounds the source of its data on immigrants to the UK, although the proprietor of the dry-cleaners opined that it was probably “some bloke down the pub”. Nevertheless, Simon Orchard has vowed to continue his fight for compensation from AsylumWatch, despite having had his appeal against deportation to Albania turned down by the Immigration Appellant Authority.
“They said I wasn’t a genuine asylum seeker because my life wouldn’t be in jeopardy if I returned to Albania,” an indignant Orchard explained from his hovel in Tirana. “But that’s rubbish – you wouldn’t believe the racist abuse and taunts of ‘foreign scrounger’ and ‘malingerer’ I’ve had to endure since coming back here and claiming invalidity benefit. That’s not to mention the physical attacks – only last week some bastards stole my wooden leg to use for firewood! It is hell here – their health service is worse than the NHS and all they show on TV are old Norman Wisdom films!” The British Foreign Office has refused to comment on Mr Orchard’s plight, other than to point out that he is an Albanian national, and therefore not entitled to any assistance from British diplomats.