No sooner had George W. Bush – The Man Who Stole The Presidency – moved into the White House, than stories began to emerge of state that the building had been left in by the outgoing Clinton Administration. It is now common knowledge that Bush had the whole Oval Office redecorated, even down to replacing the carpet. A White House insider has told “The Sleaze” that Bush actually had little choice, as he arrived to find the room’s walls daubed with obscene grafitti – most of which apparently celebrated the size of his predecessor’s manhood and his sexual conquests. “The picture of a penis done in felt-tip behind the door, was apparently life-size, in which case I’m amazed Hilary was able to stand for the Senate, let alone walk”, said our source. “Mind you, some of those pictures did have some artistic merit – even if what they portrayed did seem to be physically impossible.”
There were also, allegedly, a series of dubious stains on one wall – possibly the results of a “fetching” contest rumoured to have been held between President Clinton and Boris Yeltsin. Mr Bush is said to have ordered the destruction of the Oval Office carpet after he heard that Clinton, Monica Lewinsky and a cigar had cavorted naked there. Some historians, however, are outraged at the wanton destruction of what they see as a priceless national artefact. “That carpet was a unique piece of US history”, claimed Professor Dorian Agfay of Washington’s Political Weaving Institute. “There were stains on that carpet that date back to at least the 1960s. JFK saw action and received severe carpet burns on it during the Cuban Missile Crisis in ’62, for instance.” According to Agfay, the carpet also showed the historic urine stain where Nixon wet himself upon hearing that he was to be impeached in 1974.
The supposed damage to the White House apparently went far beyond the Oval Office – one Bush staff member is said to have opened his desk drawer upon arriving to find a huge – apparently human – turd in it. “It was still warm”, says our source. “The culprit could still have been in the building.” Bush staffers also found that the toilets had all been “top decked” – a form of practical joke whereby the perpetrator defecates in the cistern instead of the toilet bowl. “It was truly horrible”, the insider recalls. “Poor Mrs Bush was the first victim. When she tried to flush the water turned brown and several huge floaters suddenly bobbed up in it. ” Cisterns throughout the White House were quickly gunged up with excrement as unsuspecting staff tried to flush. It took Secret Service plumbers three days to unblock the pipes. “The smell of raw sewage permeated the building for a week afterwards!”, the source told us.
Aides of the incoming President also found that the toilets had all been stocked with specially printed toilet papper, featuring George Bush Jr’s face on each sheet. Several pieces of official White House property are alleged to have vanished during the handover, supposedly taken by Clinton staffers as souveniers. These included former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt’s antique dildo collection and set of minature iron calipers used by her polio-stricken husband FDR to achieve an erection. Also supposedly missing was the silver hip flask from which Abraham Lincoln sipped his own urine and two sets of George Washington’s wooden teeth. Legend has it that these latter items were later used by President Jefferson as sex aids when seducing one of his female slaves. There have also been rumours that, when drunk, Bill Clinton once used the teeth as castanets whilst entertaining King Juan Carlos of Spain.
President Bush has also allegedly attempted to purge the White House of all pornography. He is apparently convinced that large amounts of pornographic material was kept in the White House by the “degenerate” Clinton regime. Indeed, it is rumoured that during his last weeks in office President Clinton would frequently retire to the toilet with a stack of unidentified magazines, often spending the entire afternoon chuckling to himself in a cubicle. It is said that his kinetic watch – powered by energy from the wearer’s wrist movements – gained at least seventy two hours. Some insiders claim that Mr Bush has become obssessed with finding Clinton’s fabled secret porn stash. However, some commentators have unkindly speculated that Bush may not be planning to destroy the stash if he finds it. They suggest that his motives may be less pure, and that he could be planning to use the porn as an aid to his “flagging standing” in certain departments.
It has been suggested that Mr Bush’s well-publicised problems with drink and – allegedly – drugs has left him unable to be as upstanding as he would like in the bedroom. “As we’ve seen with Britain’s own William Hague, a combination of fourteen pints a day and the pressures of power can take their toll on a man’s performance”, says Professor Jerry Mire, formerly Chair of Politics and Sexuality at the Bangkok Economics Institute. “If he can only get his stars and stripes up to half-mast, then it would be perfectly normal to resort to using visual aids – and it is said that Clinton’s stash is pretty hot stuff, some of it was allegedly acquired for him by the CIA’s Special Operations Directorate!” Nevertheless, White House sources have denied that Mr Bush has ordered that all porn found on the premises be brought directly to him – unless it contains black guys going down on white women, wax dripping, sex in coffins or multiple penetration, as that sort of thing doesn’t do it for him. He has apparently never said: “I just want good old-fashioned American porn, crew-cut guys going down on wholesome good-looking cheer-leaders from Wichita”. This has all been dismissed by Bush camp officials as Democrat-inspired disinformation, whilst Bush camp claims about damage to the White House have been described by Democrat officials as “complete nonsense”.