“Look, we’ve been lied to for decades. The fact is that the Nazis were the good guys! We, the Yanks, the Russians and all the other allies, we were really on the side of evil! But because we won, our leaders were able to rewrite history and turn everything around!” forty one year old Kevin Spline, editor of the West Berkshire Conspiracy Review, told internet radio station Radio Free Newbury, following his release on bail by Thames Valley Police yesterday. “This is the truth that the authorities don’t want you to know. It’s obvious that they’re running scared – I’m getting too close to the truth for their comfort. Why else would half a dozen police offers come knocking on my door in the middle of the night, arrest me and impound all my computers? But I won’t be silenced – even though they’ve got a court order to stop me printing and distributing the print version, my website is still up (it’s hosted on servers in Crimea)!” Considered one of the UK’s top conspiracy theorists, the self-styled citizen journalist and hair dresser from Thatcham has been courting controversy for several years now, publishing a series of astounding claims which challenge orthodox interpretations of twentieth century history.
“Thanks to years of relentless propaganda, people today think that the Nazis were persecuting the Jews and the gays purely because of their supposedly racist ideology, but that couldn’t be further from the truth,” Spline explained to listeners of Derek Longbottom’s ‘Lunchtime Conspiracies’ show on Radio Free Newbury. “You see, those Nazis were actually persecuting those groups because they were dedicated to child protection and Jews and gays are notorious paedophiles. Really, it’s true. Just look at the Channel Islands and all the child sex scandals associated with Jersey – the only time such activity ceased was when the Germans occupied the Channel Islands during the war and got rid of all the Jews there. It was the same in Germany itself: once they had all those child-raping Jews and homos out of the way, sex crime rates plummeted for the duration of the war!” In reply to a listener who phoned in to the show, Spline denied that the Nazis had ever set up concentration camps to exterminate Jews, homosexuals, gypsies and other ‘undesirables’. “Well, if they’d been real then they’d have been no less than those child-raping Jews deserved, but the fact is that they were all faked by the evil Allies to further discredit the Nazis,” he told the sceptical caller. “Trust me, my brother’s mate’s cousin has the photos to prove it. The Allies prefabricated those so-called death camps in the UK before D-Day, then set them up in Eastern Germany and Poland after Germany’s defeat. They populated them with method actors who had starved themselves for several weeks, then filmed them being ‘liberated’ by Allied troops. Look, I don’t care how many books and documentaries by ‘legitimate’ historians you’ve read and seen, the fact is that they are wrong – Jewish propaganda.”
Spline was first alerted to the existence of this wide-ranging conspiracy by his grandfather. “He’d been an AA man in Devon during the war – they had to stand at important junctions and direct traffic as all the road signs had been taken down to confuse the Germans in the event of an invasion,” he told listeners. “One night in 1943, he was on duty at a remote crossroads on Exmoor, when this convoy drove past: several Jeeps full of armed soldiers escorting a Rolls Royce. In the back of the Roller were Winston Churchill and US President Roosevelt!” Amazed to see such high-ranking dignitaries in such a remote location, Spline’s grandfather decided to surreptitiously follow them on his motorcycle. “He was surprised to see the convoy leave the road and follow a muddy track to a circle of ancient standing stones,” Spline claims. “He was even more surprised by what happened next – Churchill, Roosevelt and the soldiers engaged in a Black Mass, during which they sacrificed a child in order to summon the devil himself!” Spline believes that the Allied leaders entered into a pact with Satan in order to ensure victory over Hitler and the Nazis, claiming that every major Allied victory – the sinking of the ‘Bismarck’, El Alamein and D-Day included – were presaged by a child sacrifice. “Why else do you think they used the pretext of the Blitz to evacuate all those children to the remote countryside?” he pondered. “Is it any wonder Roosevelt ended up in that wheelchair, the number of times he was sodomised by the devil in the form of a goat in order to ensure victories like Midway and the Coral Sea?”
However, Spline’s grandfather paid a heavy price for unmasking Churchill and Roosevelt as Satanists. “Obviously, he started telling people about what he’d seen, mainly in pubs in and around Totnes. Next thing he knew, the Military Police arrested him on suspicion of being a German spy – they accused him of trying to undermine British morale by spreading black propaganda,” he revealed. “In the end they didn’t charge him, but the AA sacked him for dereliction of duty. They said that he’d abandoned his post and as a result an important military convoy had taken the wrong turning and ended up in the river after they tried to cross a weak bridge!” Nevertheless, Spline believes that his grandfather got off relatively lightly. “The bastards aren’t above killing people who stumble on their secrets – just look what happened to Jill Dando, Princess Diana and, more recently, former Radio One DJ Mike ‘Smitty’ Smith,” he asserted. “They usually make it look like illness or an accident, like with ‘Smitty’ (who was going to blow the lid on Jimmy Savile’s top-level peado connections) and Diana (who knew too much about the royal family’s kiddie-fiddling secrets). But in Dando’s case they panicked and had her assassinated after she threatened to reveal everything on a live Crimewatch broadcast!”
The sometime hairdresser believes that his arrest on what he claims was an illegal warrant earlier this week was a crude attempt to silence him. “Thanks to the internet, I’m too well known for them to get away with killing me, so they’re trying to discredit me, like they did with my grandfather,” he opined. “According to their warrant, I was being arrested for ‘harassment’. Which is ludicrous – who am I harassing? I’m just telling everyone the truth – that they’ve been deceived into believing that right is wrong and that Satan is the true God of the child abusing Jews! Damn it – they make no secret of their child murdering, just look at what Israel is doing in Gaza at the moment!” However, a local newspaper – the Newbury Enquirer – has claimed that the harassment charges have nothing to do with Spline’s bizarre views or his predilection for parking his swastika emblazoned car outside the local Synagogue, but instead relate to allegations of inappropriate behaviour made by several local women. “The fact that they’ll stoop to such depths just goes to show how desperate to silence the truth our Jewish-controlled puppet government of homosexuals is,” a furious Spline claimed on his website, inresponse to the newspaper’s claims.