Science and Technology:

SCREAM AND CREAM AGAIN

IS THE GOVERNMENT PLANNING TO STEAL THE SOUNDS OF YOUR ORGASM AND TURN THEM INTO A DEADLY SUPER WEAPON? ARRESTED VOYEUR ALLEGES MASSIVE CONSPIRACY TO ILLEGALLY RECORD SOUNDS OF BRITAIN'S CITIZENS HAVING SEX AS PART OF PROJECT TO DEVELOP EROTIC WEAPON!

CELEBRITY BIG BANG

DOES EXPERIMENT TO RECREATE CELEBRITY 'BIG BANG' THREATEN VERY EXISTENCE OF THE FAME FIRMAMENT? WILL ACTIVATING 'CELEBRITY COLLIDER' CREATE TALENT-SUCKING BLACK HOLE?

SEX IN SPACE

NASA CLAIM TO HAVE ACHIEVED FIRST ZERO-GRAVITY ERECTION SPARKS NEW SPACE RACE! RUSSIA AND AMERICA VIE TO LAUNCH ADULT FILM PRODUCTION MODULE FOR INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION!

DAY THE EARTH GOT SPANKED

ALIENS GIVE CHILLING WARNING TO MANKIND! IS IT HUMANITY'S FATE TO BE SPANKED INTO SUBMISSION BY SPACEMEN? PROMISE OF PROPER DISCIPLINE WELCOMED IN MANY QUARTERS!

SEX ADDICTS

TOP SEX THERAPISTS DEMAND PORNOGRAPHY AND PROSTITUTES ON PRESCRIPTION AS SEX ADDICTION SWEEPS BRITAIN!

THE GREENING OF BUSH

PRESIDENT BUSH DECLARES WAR ON CLIMATE CHANGE - US BOMBERS SENT TO NEUTRALISE WORST FOREIGN POLLUTERS! CAN GUNG HO GREENERY SAVE THE WORLD?

QUEER IN THE HEAD?

MEDICINE AND RELIGION CLASH OVER WHETHER PSYCHOTHERAPY OR EXORCISM IS MOST EFFECTIVE TREATMENT FOR HOMOSEXUALS!

CHANGING TIMES

NEWLY PERFECTED TIME PORTAL TECHNOLOGY HAILED AS GREATEST INNOVATION IN MASS ENTERTAINMENT SINCE INVENTION OF TV!

PORNUCOPIA!

IS FORMER PRESIDENT CLINTON ACTUALLY A PORN-POWERED ALIEN ROBOT? BRITISH COMPUTER HACKER UNCOVERS SECRETS OF PROJECT PORNUCOPIA!

SAFER SEX OFFENDING?

CONVICTED PERVERTS TO BE ALLOWED TO MOLEST VOLUNTEER VICTIMS AS THERAPY! OUTRAGE AS CONTROVERSIAL NEW TREATMENT FOR SEX OFFENDERS UNVEILED!

THE EVILS OF SCIENCE!

"SCIENTISTS MADE MY TESTICLES EXPLODE!" PATIENTS SUFFER BIZARRE SIDE-EFFECTS AS MORE DRUG TRIALS GO AWRY!

BEASTLY BEHAVIOUR!

ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTESTERS RELEASE ANIMALS FROM RESEARCH CENTRE LAB AND OFFER THEMSELVES UP AS EXPERIMENTAL SUBJECTS INSTEAD!

THE EARTH DIES SHOPPING!

ARE SUPERMARKET CHIEFS EXPLOITING ALIEN TECHNOLOGY TO GAIN COMPETITIVE EDGE OVER RIVALS? IS CRASHED FLYING SAUCER BEING HIDDEN AT SUPERMARKET?

BAD TASTE!

BROWN TROUT ON MENU AS TORY MP ADVOCATES FEEDING CHILDREN TURDS TO BUILD UP IMMUNITY TO DISEASES! DOCTORS FEAR EXCRETA EATING COULD BE DANGEROUS NEW DIETARY FAD!

CHEWING THE FAT!

MARLON BRANDO'S CREMATION SPARKS PROTESTS FROM ENVIRONMENTALISTS - CLAIM EMISSIONS WILL FUEL GLOBAL WARMING! HIGHLIGHT ECOLOGICAL THREAT POSED BY THE GROSSLY OBESE!

JEFFERSON PARK!

ROGUE RICHARD NIXON RUNS AMOK AS SINISTER PLOT TO CLONE PAST PRESIDENTS FOR THEME PARK REVEALED! ACADEMIC CHASED BY PACK OF WILD KENNEDYS!

CRAP CRUSADERS!

MILD MANNERED ALTER EGO SACKED FOR ABSENTEEISM AS SUPERHERO SAVES WORLD! ARE SUPER-POWERS BLESSING OR CURSE? UK'S TRAUMATISED CAPED CRUSADERS SPEAK OUT!

BEAST WITH THE ATOM BELLY!

DEPUTY PREMIER FED RADIOACTIVE PIES TO CREATE GIANT APE CREATURE TO COMBAT TERRORIST-CONTROLLED MUTANT MONSTERS!

SUBURBAN SEX MACHINES!

INCREDIBLE SHAGGING MACHINES MADE IN SUBURBAN GARAGE GIVE WOMEN SUPERHUMAN SATISFACTION! DESIGNER PROFILED!

DISMEMBER ME!

ARE HOSPITAL WAITING LISTS DRIVING PATIENTS TO ATTEMPT SELF-SURGERY? POPULAR TV PROGRAMME BLAMED FOR RISE IN SELF-MUTILATION!

BAD MEDICINE!

TORY MP CLAIMS NHS RISKING PATIENTS' LIVES BY EMPLOYING FOREIGN MEDICS! HOSPITALS ANGRILY DENY THAT WITCH DOCTORS AND PERVERTS ARE WORKING ON WARDS!

MAD SCIENTISTS!

SCIENTISTS - EVIL OR JUST PLAIN MAD? CALLS FOR BAN ON SCIENCE AMID ALLEGATIONS OF GARDEN SHED CRYOGENICS AND SECRET DEALS WITH ALIEN SEX PERVERTS!

MAD DOCTORS!

TOP SURGEON UNDER FIRE FOR RADICAL TREATMENTS! DRUGS AND PSYCHOTHERAPY REJECTED IN FAVOUR OF SURGERY FOR TREATMENT OF SEXUALLY-RELATED PROBLEMS!