Shocked by what they have seen after logging on to Conservative leader David Cameron’s webcam, many Tory supporters fear that the party’s ‘sexy’ new image has gone too far. “I know this webcam thing is supposed to let us see him in an informal setting, emphasising his qualities as an ‘ordinary bloke’ the voters can relate to, but I certainly didn’t expect to see him bending his wife over the kitchen table and giving her a good rogering,” complains sixty-eight year old retired milliner Martha Horry. “Obviously, I initially thought that he’d simply forgotten the camera was on, and that I was intruding into a private marital moment. But then, to my horror, he started outlining his new monetary policies as he penetrated her!” Horry wasn’t the only supporter taken aback by what they saw – Conservative Central Office found itself inundated with calls from web surfers complaining that they had been grossly offended by the sight of Cameron’s vibrating buttocks. “Several said that they had been physically sick, while one irate caller claimed that his eighty year old mother had suffered a heart attack whilst viewing the webcam,” says party worker Vanessa Thung. “To be fair, though, we had a lot of complimentary calls, as well. One lady from Rhyl commented on just how adorable that dimple in his left bum cheek was.” Apparently many callers – mainly male – commented favourably on Cameron’s performance, saying that the way he’d handled Mrs Cameron had increased their confidence in his ability to run the country. “Whilst not exactly inspiring, the fact that he maintained a steady rhythm whilst explaining the complexities of Tory tax policy, shows that Cameron is more than capable of multi-tasking,” said a Mr Juff of Leamington Spa, in a typical comment. “I also liked the way he cracked those eggs on her buttocks to use as lubricant – it shows he can innovate!” Many female callers commented positively on the fact that Cameron allowed his wife to come first, feeling that it showed his caring, generous side. Political commentators have also reacted favourably to the webcast, with many praising it as a tactical masterstroke. “Once again Cameron has completely wrong-footed the government,” opines Ted Twatchell, political editor of the Daily Excess. “With the electorate less and less interested in political issues, this is the perfect way to grab their attention! Trust me, people who saw that webcast won’t be forgetting Tory monetary policies in a hurry!” Indeed, an exclusive poll for the Excess has found that sixty percent of people who saw Cameron’s performance now automatically associate his taxation policy with taking their wives and girlfriends from behind.
Masterminding this new approach for the Tories is top media consultant Tristram Up-D’Arcy, who plans to build on the success of the webcast with the UK’s first 18 certificate party political broadcast. “I know some people might think it a bit of a risk, having a broadcast that can only be shown after the watershed, but we want to emphasise the ‘grown-up’ nature of the party’s new policies,” the flamboyant thirty-seven year old explains. “Besides, is there any point in letting kiddies see it? They can’t vote until they are over eighteen, anyway!” The broadcast will follow similar lines to the webcast, once again featuring the Conservative leader in his kitchen. “We want to establish the idea that he is just an ordinary bloke, engaged in normal household activities,” says Up-D’Arcy. “This time we’re going to feature him washing up at the sink, naked save for a plastic apron and some marigold gloves, whilst his wife performs oral sex on him.” According to Up-D’Arcy, Cameron will expound his vision for the National Health Service (NHS) in rhythm with his growing sexual excitement. “He keeps perfect time – starting out slowly, setting out his basic principles with regard to health care, before stepping up the pace as he prescribes his planned new strategies,” reveals the media consultant. “By the time he’s gone through funding options, his voice is beginning to crack and his legs starting to go – as he reaches the big climax and shouts out his new vision of the NHS, he’s clinging to the edge of the sink in a desperate attempt to remain standing! We’re confident that’ll stick in voters’ minds!” However, critics of Up-D’Arcy’s tactics argue that it is simply a variation on the established practice of sugar-coating a bitter pill. “Essentially, this broadcast is an attempt to make palatable the proposed dismantling of the NHS – Cameron’s ‘Big Idea’ on health – by associating it with something most people would find pleasurable,” contends Professor Alan Drabbing, Head of Media Studies at Accrington Polytechnic. “It represents the ultimate in political ‘sexing up’!”
Up-D’Arcy vehemently rejects allegations that his campaign is designed to use sex to deflect voters away from the fact that Cameron’s policies are entirely lacking in substance. “Sex is a perfectly legitimate way to sell any product,” he contends. “Just look at what’s running in prime time TV commercial breaks these days – apparently your penis-size is proportional to the type of car you drive; women can only achieve orgasm by using certain hair conditioners; the opposite sex will only find you attractive if you eat the right breakfast cereals and alcohol improves your sexual performance. So why not sell politics the same way?” Whilst publicly condemning the new Tory campaign as ‘vulgar’ and ‘offensive’, rumours are rife around Westminster that the Labour party is planning its own ‘Party Pornographic Broadcast’. “They’ve already filmed one version – it was crap,” claims Up-D’Arcy. “Whilst we went for the ‘realistic’ look favoured by contemporary porn, in order to emphasize Cameron’s credentials as an ‘ordinary guy of the people’, the Labour effort was along the lines of a 1970s British sex comedy! Bloody awful and utterly irrelevant to today’s voters!” According to the media man, the secret Labour film featured Chancellor Gordon Brown wearing a false moustache and milkman’s uniform, expounding his tax policies whilst the young housewife he is ‘delivering milk’ to strips off. Deputy Premier John Prescott later turns up in the guise of a washing machine repair man. “Unbelievably, Brown even says ‘Och, bloody hell, missus, I only meant for you to whip my cream’, at one point,” says Up D’Arcy. “They’re obviously completely out of touch –there’s no way today’s sophisticated electorate is going to drop its trousers and whack off to hoary old material like that!” Britain’s other main political party, the Liberal Democrats, are also believed to be considering dabbling in ‘racier’ electoral material in an attempt to keep up with their rivals. “It’s true – we’re seriously considering putting out one of those nude calendars which seem so popular,” confides Liberal Democrat president Simon Hughes. “Our leader Menzies Campbell has agreed to be October, posing provocatively with his walking frame, whilst his predecessor Charles Kennedy has volunteered to be December. Apparently he’s going to pose clad only in an Aran sweater, giving voters a cheeky peek of his bottom. We think this could be a real winner – tasteful, but with just a hint of erotica. Just like our party.”