UK TV viewers were shocked to see Home Secretary Sajid Javid smash a bottle over his head and declare, direct to camera, ‘We’re fucking mad, we are, so you’d better just stay away, you bastards!’ during a live news broadcast. “I thought he’d finally gone mad,” sixty two year old Jim Stinks, who saw the news item, told The Shite. “The wife reckoned it was the pressure of Brexit which had got to him and pushed him over the edge!” Despite widespread tabloid speculation that Javid was in the throes of a mental breakdown, possibly brought on by the recent armada of rubber boats bearing illegal immigrants which had been threatening the UK’s shores, other commentators have suggested that his bizarre performance was actually all part of a long term scheme on the Home Secretary’s part to try and succeed Theresa May as Prime Minister. “Breaking that bottle over his head was a clear attempt to establish himself as being the Tory tough guy on immigration – setting out a clear message to would be illegals that the UK constitutes a ‘hostile environment’ for them,” speculates Simon Whiffler, Deputy Political Correspondent of the Sunday Bystander. “It’s an area where Theresa May is traditionally seen as being weak – don’t forget that, despite promises to the contrary, she failed to reduce immigration during her time as Home Secretary. Javid is clearly trying to position himself as an immigration ‘hard man’ in order to appeal to the hard right of his party and the wider anti-immigration constituency in the wider electorate.”
Indeed, Javid’s television outburst wasn’t to be the end of his attempts to personally deter immigrants from entering Britain illegally. Having just smashed a bottle over his head, the Home Secretary, still bleeding from several small cuts on his head and with several shards of glass still embedded in his bald bonce, tore off his shirt and strode down the Kent beach where the news report was being filmed and waded into the sea. Apparently in pursuit of a rubber dinghy which had just appeared off shore, Javid pulled a carving knife from his waistband and proceeded to stab the inflatable several times, causing it to deflate and sink, when its occupants attempted to swim for the shore, the politician intimidated them by making throat-cutting gestures with his knife while reiterating that the people of Britain were ‘well hard mad bastards who don’t like your sort’. When they finally struggled onto the beach, Javid grabbed each one of them in turn and hurled them back into the waves, shouting at them to ‘go back where you came from, you scrounging bastards’. A Home Office spokesperson later attempted to quell rumours of a mental breakdown on Javid’s part by explaining to the press that the Home Secretary was merely responding to the temporary shortage of Border Patrol cutters and Royal Navy patrol boats available to deal with the rubber boat borne invaders by taking matters into his own hands. “With more Naval and Border Patrol seaborne resources now available, the crisis has passed and the Home Secretary no longer feels it is necessary for him to intervene personally to defend the nation,” the spokesperson claimed. “Nevertheless, this incident has hopefully reassured the public that Mr Javid is taking the immigration issue seriously.”
The Home Secretary’s macho approach to immigration does seem to have struck a chord with some of the public. “Now I know that he was sticking it to those foreign bastards and not just going off his nut, I have to say that I’d be more likely to vote for him,” says Jim Stinks, a former UKIP voter. “It’s like my wife was saying – he was demonstrating the kind of strong leadership we need to get us out of this Brexit mess. We’d certainly welcome him as Prime Minister rather than bloody useless Theresa May or, even worse, that bloody Commie traitor Corbyn – he’d be bloody welcoming these illegal immigrants ashore and offering them cups of tea rather than punching them in the face!” Doubts, however, have been raised as to the authenticity of his recent actions, with allegations that the whole thing had been stage managed. “That whole business on the news was an obvious set up,” opines anti-immigration activist Harry Pongson, writing in the Daily Norks. “I mean, where did that bottle come from in the first place? Does Javid always take bottles with him to TV events? Not only that, but you could clearly see that it was made of sugar glass, like a film prop, so that it would shatter easily on his head – he’d have fractured his skull if he’d whacked his head like that with a real glass bottle!” Pongson further speculated that the occupants of the raft attacked by the Home Secretary were probably actors, pointing out that the dinghy had appeared at a suspiciously fortuitous moment for Javid.
A Home Office insider has conceded that the bottle incident was staged, but insists that Javid improvised the dinghy incident. “He saw an opportunity and seized it,” the anonymous source told The Shite. “It was pure coincidence that that rubber boat appeared when it did – as soon as Mr Javid saw it, he decided to leap into the water and stop it. Mind you, I still don’t know why he had that kitchen knife on him.” This story seems to have been verified by the Daily Norks, which secured an interview with the occupants of the inflatable boat, who claim that they were innocent holiday makers and had no idea what was going on. “This madman just came into the water and attacked our boat – we thought he must have been a pirate or something! We had no idea that he was the Home Secretary,” says Jack Stenchleigh, who, along with his wife and two children, allegedly spent two hours in the water after the incident. “We had to wait until he and the TV crews packed up and went away – otherwise, every time we swam closer to the beach, the Home Secretary would run into the water shouting abuse and making threats! It’s a miracle we didn’t drown!”
Simon Whiffler fears that, with Prime Minister Theresa May facing defeat in her attempts to push her Brexit deal through parliament, we’ll see more senior ministers staging bizarre stunts as they jostle for position in the inevitable race to succeed her. “There’s no doubt that by smashing that bottle over his head and threatening those alleged illegal immigrants, Javid has firmly positioned himself as the hard man of the Tory party,” he muses. “He’s basically trying to intimidate any potential rivals by setting himself up as a crazy bastard who is prepared to do anything to get what he wants.” Whiffler speculates that we could yet see Environment Secretary Michael Gove attempting to establish his green credentials by rampaging through London’s streets, personally attacking the most polluting cars he can find with a sledge hammer. “Incredibly, I’ve even seen the name of former Work and Pensions Secretary Esther McVey linked with a bid for the Tory leadership,” he says. “Presumably, she’ll establish her hard right credentials by going along to the nearest dole office and beating up some claimants on the grounds that they are making fraudulent claims.”