Who Dung It?

Ever had one of those stonking great turds which simply won’t flush away? You know, no matter how much toilet paper you put down there, or how savagely you batter it with the bog brush, it just sits there, mocking you. Of course, it’s even worse when it isn’t your toilet you’ve blocked – you just get more desperate to clear the pan. Indeed, I recall once literally breaking the cistern at work when I wrenched the flush handle too violently in a panic to try and get rid of a particularly recalcitrant smoker. During my increasingly desperate attempts to extricate myself from this situation, (I eventually had to resort to filling a metal waste bin with water from the basin in order to manually flush the bloody thing away), my thoughts started to wander, and I found myself asking whether I was the only one who had experienced such problems. Most crucially, I wondered, do celebrities also have serious u-blocker problems, just like ordinary mortals? Well, you might recall that incident at the 2010 Glastonbury Festival when someone dumped a log so huge that it blocked the VIP area’s portable toilets, causing severe flooding. Before they knew it, celebrities of the magnitude of Davina McCall and Jeremy Clarkson found themselves ankle deep in jobbie-infested brown water. Worse still, they found themselves forced to use the public facilities – having to crap in a steaming turd-filled trench for three days. Despite a large-scale investigation by festival organise Michael Eavis, the culprit has never been brought to justice.

Whilst there have been suggestions that the phantom u-blocker was a member of the public who somehow managed to penetrate the VIP area, there is a consensus in media circles that this is simply a cover up, designed to conceal the fact that celebrities defecate just like ordinary people – a revelation that could destroy the mystique of celebrity forever. However, in 2011 Melody Maker magazine ran its own ‘Who Dung It’ investigation, naming several celebrity suspects. The magazine was able to narrow down the list of suspects as the blockage occurred in the men’s toilets, ruling out the likes of the Amy Winehouse, Shakira or Lily Allen (anyway, such a petite frame as Miss Allen’s surely could not have produced such a devastating brown trout). Heading the list of suspects was Liam Gallagher. The former Oasis front-man had previously boasted of his toilet prowess , claiming to have once left a four-foot long chocolate log in the wash basin in rival Damon Albarn’s dressing room during the 2002 Brit Awards as a joke. Another prime suspect was Liam’s rival Robbie Williams. The ex-Take That star is known to like his pies – always a good basis for producing those really hard and stodgy turds that bung up the waste pipe. Suspect number three was Liam’s elder brother Noel. He too had often boasted of the number of toilets his turds had destroyed, claiming that he once produced one so long that the last two feet of it were sticking out of the toilet bowl. Indeed, a former Dynorod operative once told the tabloids that he had been called to ‘Supernova Mansions’, Noel’s former London home, at least twelve times in a year to sort out unspecified ‘blockages’.

U2’s Bono was also suspected – perhaps even deliberately laying the offending log as revenge for U2’s replacement by Gorillaz as headline act – having often boasted of his toilet exploits. His extremely noisy shits have been heard all over the world, although a former girlfriend claimed that they were actually mainly wind and Bono could usually barely manage a light pebble-dashing. Last and, quite frankly, a real outsider, was Ray Davies. Whilst a star on the pop scene since the 1960s, he had no record in the poop scene. However, it has been suggested that he was behind the monster turd which wrecked the toilets at the original 1970 Glastonbury Festival (possibly as a response to the Kinks’ replacement with T-Rex as headliners). Sadly, the Melody Maker investigation was never able to pin the mystery turd on any one person and the identity of culprit remains a mystery to this day.

Of course, not all toilet disasters at Glastonbury have been caused by huge celebrity turds. Back in 2011 a dead Tory activist blocked the VIP toilet for over twelve hours before his body was discovered. Increasingly distressed celebrities simply assumed that one of their fellows was hogging the cubicle – Beyonce, for instance, was seen hammering on the door for over fifteen minutes screaming “For the love of God hurry up, I’m touching cloth out here!” The one-time Destiny’s Child singer was eventually forced to take a dump around the back of the Pyramid stage. Her husband Jay-Z wasn’t amused and was later reportedly seen remonstrating with Michael Eavis.

But, getting back to the 2010 incident, we’re throwing it open to readers of The Sleaze – which of, Melody Maker’s top five suspects do you think did it? We’ve managed to obtain samples of the offending bum cigar, (please don’t ask how), and had them analysed by Thaddeus Cacker aka Dr Dung, Britain’s leading expert on celebrity crap, and he claims to have identified the culprit. If your guess matches his findings, you could win a fabulous prize! But probably not. Good luck and happy flushing!