Shocked Christmas shoppers who had gathered in London’s Oxford Street to witness the annual switching on of the famous Christmas lights, found themselves subjected to a pornographic filth fest, rather than the expected illuminated images of seasonal cheer. “This is absolutely outrageous! A complete debasement of the ‘Season of Goodwill’,” complained forty three year old banker Julian Tapmound, as he hustled his traumatised children, aged six and nine, into a taxi. “I brought my kids here expecting to see a festive extravaganza, not a huge illuminated Santa exposing himself!” The Santa in question – a literally flashing neon construct suspended over the street – greets visitors to the Tottenham Court Road end of Oxford Street, throwing open his red cloak to reveal his huge holly-tipped erection, which bears the words ‘Merry Xmas’. The opposite end of the street is similarly adorned by a distinctly phallic neon fir tree capped with a semi-naked fairy who appears to be pleasuring herself with its tip. Between these two monuments to depravity are strung a series of lights and decorations variously shaped like penises, vaginas and huge breasts, interspersed with animated illuminations depicting Santa’s elves engaged in various despicable acts with his reindeer. “I should have guessed that something like this was on the cards when the special mystery celebrity doing the switching on ascended to the podium in a lift shaped like a giant cock and balls,” sighed housewife Sandra Codrick, as she attempted to shield her shrieking children’s eyes from the incredible light display. “But even then I was still hoping it would be Cliff Richard.” However, emerging from the huge genitalia as it cracked in half was millionaire porn baron Reg Spagnold. Flanked by a bevy of semi-naked glamour girls Spagnold – who made his fortune with such publications as Hot and Horny, Reader’s Glam Grannies and Pink Ticket – proudly announced to the gathered multitude that he had secured exclusive rights to Christmas for the next three years after outbidding Richard Branson for the franchise after it was put out to tender by the government. “This is the beginning of a whole new era for Christmas,” he told the jeering crowd. “For too long its been aimed at kiddies – I aim to make it fun for adults again!” As he gleefully threw the switch, thousands of inflated novelty condoms rained down on the crowd, whilst the giant penis-shaped lift behind him spewed forth fireworks from its tip.
In the face of fierce criticism, the government has vigourously defended its decision to auction off the Christmas franchise, arguing that under its previous ownership, the festival was simply not economically viable. “High street sales have been falling for years now at this time of year,” explains Alastair Darling, Secretary of State for Trade and Industry. “The whole religious angle simply restricts the kind of promotions businesses can use, whilst that Father Christmas isn’t getting any younger – the whole present distribution system is in danger of grinding to a halt. Besides, is an overweight, ruddy faced old man really the image of Christmas we want to promote? He’s hardly going to have wide consumer appeal, now is he?” Darling has also brushed aside criticisms from the Church of England, the previous franchise holders, that Reg Spagnold is morally unfit to be given control of such an important festival, and will inevitably subvert its true meaning in order to promote his existing porn businesses. “Mr Spagnold is a perfectly legitimate and highly successful businessman, who has some very exciting ideas with regard to modernising this festival,” he says. “We can all look forward to a new, efficient and totally inclusive Christmas, which embraces all ages, cultures and religions.” Spagnold himself has been equally dismissive of his rivals for the franchise. “I don’t know what the God squad are griping about – they’re the ones who subverted the bloody celebration in the first place, when they won it from the pagans,” he told The Sleaze, in an exclusive interview. “As for Richard Branson, we all know what that raving egomaniac would have done if he’d won the franchise – slapped his grinning visage on Santa, labelled everything ‘Virgin’, stuck lots of glitter and tinsel all over the place and used it as an excuse to sell lots of flashy cheap clobber!” Drawing on his trademark cigar as he sat in one of his infamous nudie bars, the forty five year old impresario outlined his plans for Christmas, emphasising that under his stewardship, it would be anything but ‘virgin’. “I want to aim Yuletide squarely at adults. Kids these days don’t wait until Christmas to get all that expensive gear they want – they just nick it whenever they please,” he reasoned. “It’s only the grown ups who find themselves restricted to indulging themselves this time of year. The way I see it, after a shitty twelve months of working their arses off, what most people want come the cold dark days of December is a damn good pleasuring!”
Central to Spagnold’s strategy is a complete makeover for Santa. Out goes the avuncular fat granddad, to be replaced by a muscular younger model with designer shades, plenty of bling and a neatly trimmed silver goatee. Clad only in a red thong and boots, but retaining the traditional hat, this new Santa will travel in a sled hauled, not by reindeer, but by four naked women wearing antlers. Helping him distribute his gifts will be a whip-cracking leather clad dominatrix. “We’ve carefully researched this new image and feel confident that this is the kind of guy people will want to come down their chimneys and creep into their bedrooms in dead of night,” Spagnold excitedly told The Sleaze. “Our Santa is truly metrosexual, appealing to Christmas consumers across the board: women will want to be ravished by him, men will want to be him and gays will want to give him one up the arse.” Spagnold believes that retailers will find this new Christmas image easier to promote than the staid old one of mangers, wise men and baby messiahs. “What the hell can you sell on the basis of frankincense and myrrh? It’s all so bloody depressing, having to stay in a stable at Christmas – you can’t get an upbeat campaign out of that,” he declared. “Now, sexy Santa, that’s an image most retailers can really work with to shift their gear! I ask you, who is more likely to persuade you to buy some expensive, but totally useless, electrical gadget as a gift: some baby in swaddling clothes or a bloke with a huge wang wrapped in tinsel?” Far from subverting Christmas, Spagnold argues that he is simply returning the festival to its traditional roots. “I just want to it to be a time of uninhibited love and wild celebration, just like it was before the bloody Christians got their hands on it,” he says. “I truly believe that my new improved Christmas will be able to pleasure everyone – they just need to open their hearts and legs to it!”