“Look, if we’re lucky, Trump will suffer a fatal heart attack between now and his inauguration” opines top US political commentator Roger Fruckley, writing in the Washington Ferret Fanciers Gazette. “I mean, he is a fat bastard, I say fat, but grossly obese would be a better description, and we’re constantly being told by the medical profession that being overweight is a one-way ticket to all sorts of fatal shit. Except that there seem to be a Hell of a lot of fat bastards wandering around with no sign of kicking the bucket, leading me to seriously question medical opinion. But if he doesn’t do the decent thing and suffer a massive coronary, then, believe me, there are numerous plans to engineer a ‘Fat Boy Has Fallen’ situation – I have it on good authority that his Secret Service codename is ‘Fat Boy’.” According to Fruckley most of US’s covert intelligence agencies, not to mention the military, have contingency plans to ‘take out’ Trump if he goes too far during his second term, causing widespread unrest, selling secrets to Vladimir Putin or otherwise threatening the Constitution. “It’s like the sixties when every agency had a bizarre plan in place to kill Fidel Castro,” he says. “You know, exploding cigars, the contaminated diving suit, the sea shell bomb and the poisoned pen,” he explains. “Obviously, with Trump famously a non-smoker, probably semi-illiterate, having no regard for nature and being too fat to fit in a wet suit, none of these ideas could be revived, so they are instead tailoring some new ones to target Trump’s particular vices.”
The fact that Trump is an adjudicated rapist and his attitude to women in general are at the centre of many of the plans, the journalist claims. “We all remember him saying that you had to ‘grab them by the pussy’ with regard to women, so, not surprisingly, the CIA’s main Trump assassination plans centre around deploying deadly female agents against him,” claims Fruckley. “The most obvious variation involves a female suicide bomber, with an explosive device concealed in her vagina, which would be triggered by him grabbing her down there.” The Agency, however, has been finding it difficult to find volunteers willing to sacrifice themselves so painfully, let alone be prepared to let Trump molest them, so alternative versions of the plan have had to be prepared. “One version has her with an electrical device concealed there, which will put thousands of volts through Trump’s roving had, giving him a massive heart attack,” he reveals. “Another involves making the female agent quite literally poisonous, by gradually introducing toxins into her body over a long period, with the idea that her groped pussy would prove fatally poisonous to Trump.” A variation on the ‘poison pussy’ plan hinges on Trump’s alleged penchant for being urinated on by Russian prostitutes. “Obviously, in this scenario one of the sex workers would be a CIA asset with a bladder full of deadly poison,” says Fruckley. “The idea being that this would be a ‘golden shower’ that would turn Trump green and gasping for breath as the toxin takes hold.”
As Fruckley concedes, as the CIA can only operate outside of the US, its contingency plans could only be enacted when Trump was on an overseas trip. “The problem being, of course, that by the time we got to a situation where assassinating Trump had become imperative, he’d likely have pissed off the rest of the world so much that he could never leave US soil,” he says. “So, according to my sources, the FBI has its own fall back schemes for offing him.” Most of these apparently centre around Trump’s gluttony, involving poisoned burgers and the like, but another FBI plan envisages scaring Trump to death. “It comes back to the fact that he’s a fat bastard and all the strain that blubber is putting on his heart must surely make him ripe for a coronary,” Fruckley claims. “So the FBI has plans to conceal someone in the White House and have them jump out of a closet in fright mask when Trump is alone – other stuff they have planned includes stuff like baths full of blood, life-sized skeleton puppets walking around and the like. Personally, I think their guys have been watching too many William Castle movies.”
Other commentators have questioned the wisdom of assassinating Trump, regardless of how objectionable his actions as President might become. “If Trump was to drop dead – whether through natural causes or assassination – all that would happen is that J D Vance would step up to the Oval Office – which is possibly an even worse prospect than another four years of Trump,” notes Professor Tim Minger of the Minnesota Institute of Animal Dentistry. “Nobody wants Vance as President – not even Trump. Everyone knows that Vice Presidential candidates are picked on the basis of their utter uselessness and the fact that they are consequently ever likely to eclipse the President in any way.” Minger points out that simply removing the President, regardless of the circumstances, is unlikely ever to result in a fundamental change of government policy. “Every President makes out sure that their administration has like-minded individuals in key positions,” he says. “This is doubly true of Trump’s next administration, which he is already planning to pack with crackpots, grifters and extremists. So, if you get rid of him, he would be immediately replaced by an even bigger idiot – get rid of Vance, then you’d have to work your way down through a whole legion of reactionary nutters who are probably even more dangerous than Trump.”
As Minger has highlighted, under the US system you’d have to simultaneously get rid of the President, Vice President, Speaker and pretty much all of the cabinet in order to completely remove all of the existing chain of succession and have any chance of effecting a meaningful change in government policy. Consequently, he believes, a military coup, completely sweeping away the entire administration might be the only solution. “As we’ve seen in many other countries, where democratic regimes have been captured by dangerous extremists, military coups tend to be the preferred method of radical change, “ he argues. “They remove completely the entire top level of government and circumvent all existing political norms, allowing democracy itself to be suspended while the new regime rewrites constitutional arrangements either to favour themselves or try to prevent the democratic process from being subverted by extremists in future elections.” But does the US military have any such plans to deploy as a ‘last resort’ option in the event of the Trump regime going full on fascist dictatorship? Fruckley suspects that it might. “I think that they could have a ‘General’s Plot’ type scenario up their sleeves,” he says. “With Trump and his cronies either blown up at a cabinet meeting, with the military stepping in to quell the resultant chaos, or being arrested and incarcerated at Camp David pending trial before a military tribunal, then being executed by firing squad.” But could the violent removal of an elected leader ever be deemed legitimate, even if they are a fat fascist bastard like Trump? “Look, I know that people say we should just trust the democratic process,” says Fruckley. “But, damn it, it was doing that which got us here in the first place!”
