Category: Crime

Frustrated right-wing extremists condemn police investigation into former MP Ann Widdecombe’s death for consistently focusing on white British nationals as suspects – claim many violent illegal immigrants live incognito, passing as white thanks to ‘white face’ make up. Tabloid launches campaign to unmask the secret illegal immigrant criminals living amongst us as white people, while rival paper calls for Miss Marple to take over Widdecombe investigation.

Is the right’s opposition to Online Safety Act really based upon their fears that data leaks in age verification systems could expose their use of extreme Nazi-themed porn sites, rather than their avowed claims that it threatens free speech? New theory advanced by notorious left wing commentator triggers outrage amongst Reform UK and Tommy Robinson supporters.

Customers report increasing number of bizarre attacks while shopping at supermarkets. Many claim to have been pursued by fruit and vegetable wielding mobs or been beaten with prime cuts of meat. Are these incidents the result of secret government mind control experiments or are they being orchestrated by sinister consumer cult out to make human sacrifices to ensure better bargains?

Should the men found guilty illegally felling ‘Sycamore Gap Tree’ be hanged from scaffold constructed from its timbers? Is the wave of hate and calls for extreme punishment directed toward them result of media inspired campaign to stoke up right-wing reactionaries? Or are a secret society of tree-worshipping druids out for revenge behind it all? Are druids conspiring to ritually sacrifice culprits by fire?

Does ‘two tier’ justice exist in UK? Are British courts handing down too lenient sentences for supposedly mentally ill offenders and those from minorities? Friends and relatives of victims demand to have say in sentencing of criminals – call for an ‘eye for an eye’, ‘stabbing for a stabbing’ and ‘bum rape for a rape’. Justice or just violent retribution?

British online monkey torturers outraged at outsourcing of their activities to cheaper sadists in Far East by organisers of online monkey torture rings. Rejecting allegations that use of baby monkeys implies cowardice on their part, top UK torturer claims Far Eastern torturers simply not zealous enough, failing to deliver value for money to customers.

Police raid on chain of budget undertakers reveal alleged running corpses-for-hire racket. Were dead bodies being rented out to fill out sparse crowds at football matches, concerts and Tory party meetings? Anti-immigration political candidate claims some bodies skinned to provide ‘suits’ for illegals to pass for white!

A series a child disappearances from Santa’s grottos all over UK raises fears of seasonal peadophile ring operating in shopping centres. Others speculate Santa kidnapping kids to break North Pole elf strike. Top folklorist fears the abductions are the work of the sinister Cult of Santa in furtherance of its aim to resurrect the one true Santa.

Is institutionalised racism, prejudice and misogyny in Metropolitan Police actually an official policy? Government denies claims from right-wing think tank that police tasked with creating ‘Hostile Environment’ on streets of London for women and ethnic minorities, on pretext that their presence encourages sex and hate crimes.

Was recent mauling to death of dog walker by her charges first salvo in canine war on humanity? Spate of dog killings across UK as expert urges pre-emptive retaliation against man’s so called ‘best friend’ before he rips your throat out. Claims dogs conspiring to turn the tables and make their masters the pets.

Is a sinister secret organisation creating fake childhood traumas for celebrities? Claims that tales of childhood abuse, violence and bullying splashed across tabloid front pages are actually carefully fabricated lies designed to gain celebrities publicity and public sympathy.