“Well, I thought it was just typical political hyperbole, all this talk of the National Health Service (NHS) being in crisis, but I can tell you, I was shocked to find that I was unable to get radical penis transplant treatment on the NHS!  It’s clinical insanity!” Jock Welldinger, a caller to a recent radio phone in show, told the startled host. “I was told that it was the sort of thing that only mad doctors get up to in films and that the NHS doesn’t employ so called mad doctors. In fact, they claimed that if ever they encounter any clinically insane doctors, they have them struck off!” In a follow up interview with the Daily Norks Welldinger, a fifty three year old grape presser’s assistant from Harrogate, revealed that, having been denied treatment by the NHS, he had instead sought satisfaction from private health care. “I found this clinic online – it took hours of searching obscure search engines and the dark web to find it – which specialises in more unorthodox treatments and employs a staff of doctors who can’t find work in the public sector because their research has been unfairly labelled ‘crazy’,” he explained. “Anyway, as luck would have it, they had a consultant on staff who specialises in extreme genital surgery techniques.” Welldinger, who has been suffering from extreme erectile dysfunction after a work accident involving an electric wine press, which also robbed him of a testicle, had been advised that there was no prospect of his equipment ever recovering. “With the other knacker giving up the ghost, it seemed obvious that a transplant of a good healthy, fully functioning set of cock and balls was the only solution,” he told the tabloid. “By an amazing coincidence, this clinic reckoned they had the perfect donor – he’d been decapitated in a bizarre accident, which had left his cobblers completely untouched!”

The newspaper finally managed to get an interview with the clinic’s director – Dr Hans von Crokoff – on its third attempt, the first two reporters dispatched to interview him having mysteriously vanished. “You have to understand that our techniques are very advanced – cutting edge, in fact – and carry a degree of risk that conventional medicine is unwilling to bear,” the Austrian born scientist explained. “But the potential rewards are huge. Take Mr Welldinger, for instance – his procedure was incredibly radical, with a high risk of rejection. He has, however, enjoyed a full recovery and is now engaging in a full and satisfying sex life.” Welldinger himself concurs with this assessment. “I can confirm that my new wedding tackle is fully functional and that I’ve never had it so good,” he says. “Obviously, at first I was worried that it would come off if I used it too vigourously, but it has stayed on, no matter what I’ve done with it! I’m bloody pleased with the new plunger – it’s bloody huge, not to mention hairy! It could have come from a gorilla!” Crokoff points out that treatments at his clinic are expensive and dependent upon the availability of donor organs. “Mr Welldinger was lucky as he had a generous insurance payout as a result of his accident and that we had a suitable organ ready for donation,” he told the Daily Norks. “Luckily, we have contacts with all of the top organ transplant centres worldwide and have agents out looking for potential donations on a daily basis.”

A tour of the clinic – which operates from the basement of an otherwise derelict house behind an industrial estate in Walthamstow, which, von Crokoff claims, ensures that it can operate discreetly – revealed to the Nork’s reporter the full range of the unusual treatments and experiments carried out there. These included several naked young women being frozen into huge blocks of ice – a radical new anti-ageing treatment according to von Crokoff – a woman being compressed in giant press – her boyfriend having a dwarf fetish, apparently – and a man having gills surgically created on his neck – a diver keen to improve his underwater performance, obviously. Amongst the most intriguing treatments witnessed by the journalist included a patient apparently having their blood replaced by a glowing green liquid – a new nutrient to encourage muscle development, von Crokoff claimed. The most radical procedures took place in the sub-basement, where some patients were, literally, re-skinned from head to foot with what appeared to be complete human skins. “Obviously, this is primarily for victims who have suffered extreme burns, or are suffering from extreme skin disorders,” von Crokoff assured the reporter, allaying their suspicions that it was a way of giving criminals and fugitives new identities. “It is purely coincidental that most of them end up as blue-eyed, and blonde haired. We always try to match the donated skin to the original colour – although there are some patients who specifically request a change of skin colour.”

Indeed, some re-skinning goes beyond medical need, with von Crokoff admitting that a small number of the patients are looking to fulfil some kind of fetish, before showing the reporter one such customer, who was recovering from having their skin replaced with that of a black panther. “It has, apparently, been a lifelong fetish on their part to become a cat,” the doctor explained. “It wasn’t easy getting a complete panther skin, let alone one the right size, but we eventually found a zoo wiling to donate a recently deceased big cat.” The reporter noted, however, that the new skin looked suspiciously like that of several domestic cats, stitched together. Other bizarre sights glimpsed in the clinic by the journalist included a walk in meat freezer filled with what appeared to be frozen human bodies hanging on hooks and a row of disembodied arms wired up to batteries, seemingly performing Nazi salutes. Impressed by what their reporter saw in the clinic, the Daily Norks has initiated a campaign to have so called ‘mad doctors’ and their extreme treatments made available on the NHS. The campaign has been backed by Tory MP Harry Hackworth. “It’s ridiculous that ordinary people shouldn’t be able to access these potentially life-saving techniques,” he opined in a recent TV interview. “If my wife, God forbid, were to be terminally ill, why shouldn’t I be able to transplant her brain into the body of some gorgeous model rendered brain dead, but otherwise unharmed, in an accident?”

Many in the medical profession, however, have raised doubts over the work done at von Crokoff’s clinic, pointing to recent investigation by the Sunday Bystander, which had noted that disappearances, both of humans and animals, in Walthamstow had soared since the opening of the clinic. The newspaper also claimed that a small number of patients paying for high-risk procedures was financing von Crokoff’s illegal human experiments on unwilling victims, with the aim of creating an army of superhuman Aryan stormtroopers. “These suggestions are absolutely ridiculous – the stuff of comic strips, pulp magazines and B-movies,” chuckled von Crokoff, who also dismisses allegations that he is actually a Nazi war criminal, who has extended his life through extensive organ transplants. “All of our subjects, sorry, patients, have given their full consent for their participation in these experiments, sorry, medical trials. True, some of them took some persuading, but eventually realised that it was an opportunity for them to contribute to medical science and the greater good of the Aryan, sorry, human race.” He added that he looked forward to his doctors having access to NHS resources, including patients, if the Daily Norks campaign were to be successful.