Devils From Space?

Insiders claim that the US is planning fundamental changes to the way in which it prepares for the possibility of contact with alien life, following Vice President JD Vance’s declaration that he believes aliens, far from being from outer space, are actually demons. “Obviously, now that this has been stated by the VP, it is official US policy,” explains former NASA religious advisor Andrew Falkis. “Any and all efforts to contact alien life, for instance, will now have to follow this new doctrine.” Falkis points out that current strategies for contacting alien life all assume that these hypothetical aliens are intelligent and peaceful, but in view of Vance’s belief that they are actually devils, presumably spawned from Hell itself, this approach will have to be radically revised. “Right now, alongside radio telescopes scanning the heavens for possible extraterrestrial signals, we also have others sending out signals designed to try and alert any civilisations out there that there is intelligent life, here on earth,” he says. “This will obviously have to change – from now onwards, the content of such signals will be focused upon material designed to convert possible aliens to Christianity. I’ve heard that twenty four hour broadcasts of the collected sermons of the likes of Pat Robertson, Jim Baker and the like are being considered. In extreme circumstances, there will also be recordings of the official Catholic exorcism rites, read out by a trained exorcist with a track record in casting our demons, available to ward off possible invasions.”

There is also the matter of deep space probes to be considered. “Let’s not forget those old Voyager probes heading out of the solar system with contact details for earth and schematics of humanity on them for the benefit of any intelligent alien races that might find them,” the former NASA man points out. “Now that Vance has decreed that these aliens are really devils, this will have to change. Instead of giving them useful information about ourselves, any future deep space probes will instead carry plaques engraved with crucifixes and the Lord’s Prayer, as a deterrent to them. From now onwards, instead of truing to attract their attention and basically inviting them to pitch up here, we’ll be doing everything we can to scare the bastards off.” But it won’t just be unmanned probes which will be affected by the new ‘Vance Doctrine’ with regard to possible alien/demon contact. “With regard to manned missions, we’ll obviously have to start looking at measures to protect crews from the possibility of contacts with this sort of evil,” muses Falkis. “For one thing, every future crew will have to include an ordained priest and the spaceship itself will have to be carrying adequate supplies of crucifixes and Bibles.” While it was too late to ensure that the recent Artemis II moon mission was fully protected, Falkis has revealed that insiders at NASA has assured him that large cross, blessed by a priest, had been riveted into the hull and pages from the Testaments sewn into the astronauts’ space suits before blast off. He has also been assured, he claims, that in future every mission planning a planetary landing will implant a large wooden cross in each newly visited planet’s soil, alongside the American flag.

The biggest doctrinal changes, however, will come with regard to the US’ protocols for dealing with a confirmed alien landing on American soil. “Currently, our protocols, like those of other western nations, (and most major nations have such protocols in place, no matter how much they might deny it), are based around immediate containment of the landing area with military forces securing the location and airspace above it, while teams of top civilian experts and scientist observe and attempt to establish communication,” claims Falkis. “But now that we’ve established the demonic status of these visitors, there will have to be radical changes. While the military containment will remain, those scientists and so-called experts will no longer be required. Instead, we’re looking at setting up loudspeakers around their spaceship, blasting out hymns and sermons. If this doesn’t cause them to depart, then the response will be escalated to hordes of priests waving crucifixes and quoting passages from the Bible via loud hailers while sprinkling Holy water over the spaceship. Stage three would be to douse them with showers of Holy water dropped from those planes they use to fight forest fires.  Finally, if this fails either to disintegrate their ship or force them to leave, then the last resort will be a full-on exorcism, carried out by specially trained cardinals, all clad in NBC suits (in the appropriate shade of crimson, obviously), with the intent of casting these demons back to Hell, (or Mars).”

The new doctrine will stretch far beyond official contact attempts and possible alien landings, Falkis predicts, with so-called ‘alien contactees’ now being viewed with suspicion by the authorities. “All these people who claim to have been abducted by aliens are most likely now possessed by demons,” he says. “Let’s not forget that the overwhelming majority of their accounts revolve around them being taken from their beds and ‘probed’ by supposed aliens in a clearly sexual manner. This echoes older accounts of women being seduced by demons – back then, the penalty for consorting with devils was to be burned at the stake!” Falkis doubts that such severe measures would be taken against so-called ‘abductees’, but, nevertheless, does expect them to face severe measures to ensure their ‘purification’. “Right now, you can guarantee that the government has lists of the names and addresses of all of these people – they’ve probably had them under surveillance for years,” he declares. “I’d fully expect to see them all rounded up and taken to ‘redemption centres’, where the demons possessing them can be exorcised by teams of evangelical preachers laying hands on them and bellowing the love of Christ into their faces.”

Many remain sceptical of Falkis’ claims, arguing that it is Vance’s deluded views themselves that we need to be worried about. “Surely the issue here is that, with all the shit currently going down in the world, (most of it perpetrated by a US administration of which he is part), that’s what the Vice President of the United States spends his time worrying about?” opines political columnist Paul Quincock, writing in the Boston Antique Pickers Weekly. “That demons might be visiting the earth in the guise of aliens, presumably to deceive us into believing that they aren’t actually evil. Surely, the most terrifying thing here is that a nation in possession of the most advanced technology the world has ever seen (and which it uses, primarily, to wage war on poorer nations), is being run people with an essentially mediaeval world view, which still believes in the existence of angels and demons?” Falkis remains unmoved in his position of support for Vance. “Look, whether we like it or not, the Vice President has declared that these supposed aliens are not truly from outer space, but are actually emissaries of Satan in disguise, here to tempt mankind away from the true path of Christ,” he maintains. “So we haave to act accordingly – after all, JD Vance is one of the most deeply religious and pious people in the world today. Damn it, he’s so Holy he makes the Pope look like an atheist – which the current one probably is, with all his defeatist talk about ‘love’ and ‘peace’! He’d probably want to invite the aliens to the Vatican and give their unholy mission his blessing!”