Glorious Counter Revolution!

Whilst England’s failure to make the recent World Cup Final left the nation disappointed, one man has reason to rue it more than most. “Damn it, we had a plan – England winning the World Cup in the USA was key to our plans to launch a counter-revolution in the US,” laments former diplomat Kevin Furcough. “Obviously, it had already been compromised by the US team’s failure to advance past the quarter finals, as England handing out a thorough spanking to them on their home ground in their 250th anniversary year, would have been a powerful statement, but even having just England there might have proven a significant trigger event.” In an interview with the Daily Norks, Furcough revealed that a plan was in place for England fans to attend the final wearing ‘Red Coat’ uniforms of the Revolutionary War era and chant ‘The Red Coats are Coming!’in order to rile US fans, both in the stadium and those watching at home. “It would have been a powerful statement of intent: England thrashing the US in their own country, in front of a crowd of screaming ‘Red Coats’,” he says, adding that, following an England victory, plans were in place for armies of Red Coated fans to storm and burn down the White House in a recreation of the highlight of the War of 1812. “Even if we hadn’t played the US in the final, being there with that ‘Red Coat’ army, would have been a tremendous slap in the face for the US – a reminder of Britain’s continuing superiority!”

According to Furcough – founder and chairman of the Anglo-American Reconciliation Project – it was hoped that these displays of English football patriotism and overall great Britishness, could act as a catalyst to kickstart the process of bringing the former colony back into the British fold. “Look, it shouldn’t be difficult to persuade them to throw off the shackles of the evil despot Trump and come back into the warm embrace of the Britannia,” he explains. “We could offer them self-governing dominion status, like Canada, Australia and New Zealand had back in the days of Empire, so it wouldn’t be a case of them reverting to being a colony.  They’d just have to accept that nice King Charles as head of state and some worthy political has-been as a governor.” The Project hasn’t entirely abandoned its plans, though. “We are planning to start the Herculean task of re-educating Americans in order to rectify the lies perpetrated by their founding fathers,” says the ex-diplomat.  “Because the US was founded on a lie: namely that the American revolution was an uprising against a despotic absolute monarch.  Except that George III, the monarch in question was, like every British monarch since the ‘Glorious Revolution’ and the reign of William and Mary, a constitutional monarch with very limited powers.”  The real reason for the American Revolution, Furcough contends, was that a group of wealthy colonials decided that they didn’t want to pay their fair share of the money required for the defence of the US from the French.  Because that was what the taxes they so objected to were intended to finance: Britain’s defence of its empire and colonies during the Napoleonic Wars.  So they decided to rally the masses to their cause by perpetrating the lie that these were unjust taxes arbitrarily imposed by a despotic monarch, crying ‘No taxation without representation’.

“Of course, it wasn’t quite that simple, as it wasn’t everyone who would have been paying the lion’s share of those taxes, the main burden would have fallen on the wealthy. Like their ‘Founding Fathers’,” Furcough continues. “These guys were the eighteenth century equivalent to today’s billionaires and, like them, just didn’t see why they should pay tax.  Any tax.  So, just like today, these rich creeps decided to manipulate the populace into acting against their own interests.  Cooking up a revolution by mobilising the masses against British rule.  Which, of course, involved lots of misinformation about the British.” One of the supposed key events in working up this revolutionary fever was the so called ‘Boston Massacre’, when British soldiers allegedly opened fire on protesters in Boston, resulting in casualties.  “It was the basis for much revolutionary propaganda.  But, how do we know that these really were British soldiers?” muses Furcough.  “I mean, the MAGA crazies like to claim that those January sixth whackos weren’t really extreme right-wing Trump thugs fired up by Trump himself, but actually Antifa agitators in disguise, their actions designed to discredit Trump and his supporters and backers.  Did those wealthy ‘Founding Fathers’ organise some revolutionary cronies to dress up as British soldiers and shoot colonists in order to ferment dissent and slander the British?”

Furcough maintains that his group’s campaign isn’t motivated by anti-Americanism. “Certainly, they’ve always been untrustworthy, but we’ve forgiven those perfidious Yanks for aligning themselves with that scion of democracy, Napoleonic France, while we were at war with them,” he says.  “Not to forget their further act of perfidy when, in 1812, they stabbed us in the back again by declaring war on us while we were in the middle of a crucial stage in the Napoleonic Wars, with British forces stretched to breaking point,.  But we understand that they’ve constantly been duped by their leaders.” Indeed, it is the US public’s apparent gullibility which, in Furclough’s opinion, makes it imperative that we disabuse Americans of their self-aggrandising creation myths, from which they derive their extraordinary hubris that makes them think that they are somehow the God’s ‘chosen people’, the ‘Land of the Free’ and the ‘Greatest Nation on Earth’.

“While Trump’s reign might have started to beat some humility into some of them as a result of the US’ subsequent lack of popularity in the rest of the world, it’s important to remember that Trump isn’t really that much of an aberration,” he opines.  “The US has always been a hypocritical bully that likes to preach its supposed democratic values at the rest of the world whilst simultaneously taking opportunistic advantage of the misfortunes and weakness of other nations in order to extend its wealth and power.  It’s just that under Trump, the bullying and hypocrisy is undisguised.”  But with their perfidy out in the open, Furclough contends, we no longer have to listen to their tiresome lectures about their supposed moral superiority, their claims to be a bastion of free speech or how we all ‘owe’ them for World War Two. “It’s time we started reminding them that, in reality, their whole state was founded on lies, the creation of a bunch of super-rich scumbags who gaslit their population into a ‘revolution’, which swapped rule by an elected parliament (albeit in London), for rule by the aforementioned super-rich under the cloak of local ‘democracy’,” he declares. “Frankly, I’m so tired of being lectured by Americans about the UK’s ‘awful’ imperialist past and all the bad shit done in our names back then.  But at least we acknowledge the evils of our past and accept that our prosperity was based upon the exploitation of weaker nations.  So, I think it’s about time the Yanks started critically evaluating their history and accepting that their prosperity is equally based upon the bullying and exploitation of weaker nations.”