League of Secret Asian Superheroes

“We didn’t stand a chance – if we’d known then what we know now, we’d most certainly have tried a different strategy,” declares notorious far right agitator Sebastian Twatley-Lemmon, in reference to last summer’s race riots in the UK. “No wonder we couldn’t drive those immigrant bastards out of the country – it turns out it wasn’t a level playing field. The bastards had super powers, for God’s sake!” According to Twatley-Lemmon the racially motivated violence which afflicted many of the UK’s cities last year, which targeted hotels and hostels accommodating asylum seekers, along with mosques and Muslim and Asian owned businesses, were foiled by a ‘League of Secret Asian Superheroes’ swooping in to protect threatened premises and communities. “We had thousands out on those streets, but we couldn’t get near our targets,” he rants. “Despite being besieged by mobs of white rioters with firebombs, why was it that no Mosques or hotels full of asylum seekers weren’t burned down?  Because they were being protected by groups of the these ‘Super-Asians’, that’s why, using their super strong breath to blow out the flames and their super speed to snatch firebombs from the hands of rioters before they could throw them!” But just where did these secret superheroes spring from? Twatley-Lemmon believes that they are the product of a top secret government programme, instigated by Harold Wilson’s Labour administration during the sixties.

“It’s an established fact that scientists fed radioactive chapatis to unsuspecting Punjabi women in Coventry during the 1960s – supposedly as part of an experiment on iron absorption,” the activist claims. “I’m not making it up – it was in all the papers recently. Even the real ones, not just The Sun and the Daily Mail.” Far from being an innocent, if morally questionable, piece of scientific research, Twatley-Lemmon believes the experiment was actually part of a secret plot by the then Labour government to create a race of ‘Super-Asians’. “It’s obvious really, a new race of Asians who can work harder and longer than any white person, for a lower hourly rate,” he claims. “It was all part of the long-term strategy by the global elite to disenfranchise the white working class, replacing them with cheap immigrant labour instead! The Labour Party knew that it couldn’t continue to capture the white working class vote as the party’s leadership and membership were increasing cosmopolitan and middle class – and despised traditional working class culture!” But, Twatley-Lemmon believes, the new breed of ‘Super Asians’ soon proved to be uncontrollable, threatening to destroy British culture altogether.

“Look, the mass unemployment amongst the traditional working classes of the eighties wasn’t the fault of Thatcher’s economic policies, but rather down to the rise of the new ‘Super-Asians’,” he opines. “Which, ironically, was good for us on the extreme right, as the increasingly disenfranchised white working classes had no choice but to turn to us for support and protection.” In this version of the UK in the eighties, race riots weren’t fomented by the extreme right, but rather were acts of self-defence by white workers against their super-powered Asian oppressors.  “The problem was, though, that back then we didn’t realise that we were actually up against super-powered Asians,” Twatley-Lemmon muses. “That’s why we never succeeded in realising a right-wing revolution in this country, overthrowing our corrupt government and the rotten political system behind them. It seems obvious now that the government was secretly working hand-in-glove with this ‘Secret League of Asian Superheroes’ to repress a populist revolution! The pay off can be seen today with all the prominent Asians currently in British politics, across the political divide!”

Twatley-Lemmon further claims that these supposed ‘Super-Asians’ were also more virile than white men, hence the explosion in their numbers during the seventies and eighties.  “Their super powers mean that they can just outbreed white Brits, turning us into a minority in our own city,” he declares. “Worse, their powers of mind control are probably why so many white women fall for them, bearing their children, further ‘diluting’ the race.  Those radioactive chapatis have a lot to answer for – they are the reason for several of our cities ‘falling’ to the Asians, as the ‘Super-Asians’ forcibly took them over in the decades that followed that experiment!” It has all culminated, he contends, with Sadiq Khan becoming Mayor of London. “It’s quite obvious that he only keeps winning by using his hypnotic superpowers to get people to vote for him.,” complains Twatley-Lemmon. “I mean, what other explanation can there be – as the Mail and Express keep telling us, his policies are all incredibly unpopular and designed to drive white people out of the capital!”

Not surprisingly, Twatley-Lemmon’s claims have received significant push back from the British establishment, with the government dismissing them out of hand. “His delusional rantings aren’t just offensive, but inaccurate, as well,” says Wilbur Trink, Minister for Experimental Science. “Sadiq Khan, for instance, is of Pakistani descent, while the women who were secretly irradiated were of Punjabi origin. But hey, to these fascist bigots they’re all the same, aren’t they?” Trink also takes issue with Twatley-Lemmon’s claim that so-called ‘Super Asians; have infiltrated the upper echelons of British politics. “Many British politicians of Asian descent are manifestly not ‘Super-Asians’ – Rishi Sunak, Priti Patel and Suella Braverman come to mind,” he says. “Although supporters of Boris Johnson might argue that the only way that he could have been deposed was via Sunak using his superpowers to undermine him, rather than it being down to his venality and incompetence.”  Trink believes that Twatley-Lemmon’s theories are simply evidence of the sheer desperation of the UK’s far-right to foment racial discord, their attempts at a violent insurrection having failed and is confident that nobody will take it seriously. “I’m sure that the British public would welcome yet another crazy right-wing conspiracy theory that stokes racial divisions and reinforces culture stereotypes,” he says. “I mean, it’s what we need right now, isn’t it? Something that can explain all of the country’s problems by tracing them back to some radioactive chapatis fed to Asian women in the Midlands by radical leftist scientists, who were themselves probably hippies off their faces on LSD.  I mean, it all makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? Well, if you are a bigoted imbecile, maybe.”