“Look, it was inevitable, wasn’t it?” observes top financial analyst Todd Borker, standing amidst the smoking ruins of Wall Street. “There was only ever going to be one response to Trump imposing insane tariffs against Japanese imports. It should have been obvious when the Japanese government announced that its response wouldn’t be to impose reciprocal tariffs – two days later they started sending their Kaiju against us!” The US stock market is still reeling from Tokyo’s response to the Trump tariffs, which saw Hedorah devastate Wall Street with his choking smog. “It’s quite logical really, the Nikkei index saw their biggest losses since the last time Godzilla attacked Japan as a result of the instability caused by Trump’s antics,” says Borker. “So they responded by quite literally completely wrecking the US stock exchange.” The Japanese response has so far been a staged process, with them starting off by sending a single giant monster to destroy San Diego. “All along, they’ve tried to show that they are being reasonable,” comments Borker. “They opened their campaign with one of the lesser monsters, Angorus, rather than deploying the big guns from the start. His demolition of the Naval base in San Diego was basically a warning shot.” Unfortunately, the Trump regime ignored this ‘warning shot’, refusing to budge on its tariffs.
“As that didn’t result in a lifting of tariffs, then, as we’ve seen, Tokyo upped the ante, escalating the situation by sending Godzilla and Mothra against LA,” the finance expert recalls. “Despite the devastation caused by this double teaming monster assault – Hollywood Boulevard trampled, Beverley Hills blown away by the down draft from Mothra’s wings, for instance – Trump still refused to act. Mainly because California is a Democrat stronghold, so he doesn’t give a damn about them!” Indeed, even when Gidorah, Gigan and Mecha-Godzilla targeted San Francisco, trashing the Golden Gate Bridge amongst other landmarks, the US government still did nothing. With the Americans remaining stubborn, the Japanese then showed that they were prepared to spread the monster chaos across the whole US, starting with sending Rodan to crap on Chicago and Detroit. “As we’ve seen, they ultimately sent Hedorah against New York, destroying Wall Street and causing the utter collapse of US markets,” says Borker. “On top of that, they have Ebirah roaming the waters off of the East Coast, disrupting both incoming shipping and ships trying to take US exports to Europe.” As Borker notes, the Japanese government remained confident that their monster deployment constituted a potentially far more rewarding strategy than imposing counter tariffs, which the US would respond to with counter counter tariffs. But you can’t counter a monster attack in kind, they thought. Or can you?
“With the attacks getting closer to Washington and Republican congressmen clamouring for action, the Trump administration was forced to do something,” says Borker. “After all, with all those ‘tech bros’ on side, people argued, surely the Trump administration could find a way to counter a Japanese monster attack – giant laser cannon, giant robots, for example. I mean, if Elon Musk truly is the genius he claims to be, this surely shouldn’t have been beyond his capabilities, should it?” But with Musk attempting to escape the chaos, the solution was left to others, with a group of genticists, in association with NAS scientists, succeeding in creating a giant Donald Trump with which to strike back against Godzilla and his cohorts. “It just seemed fitting that, as he was the one who had precipitated the crisis, then Trump should be the one to resolve it,” muses Dr Hans Schtupper, one of the team behind the giant Trump. “We at first considered feeding him irradiated burgers in an attempt to mutate him to giant size, but quickly dismissed that idea in favour of creating an enlarging machine, a bit like a matter transmitter, except that it reassembles the subject’s molecules on a huge scale. But that, too, ended up being rejected. In both cases, the worry was how we could control a giant Trump once the crisis had passed – we feared the damage he could potentially wreak in Democrat-held states in the run up to the mid-term elections.”
Instead, the scientists opted for a radical technique whereby a giant sized clone was genetically engineered from a cell sample taken from the president, its growth accelerated using NASA lasers. “We were careful to ensure that the giant Trump clone had only a finite lifespan, living for only thirty days before expiring,” explains Schtupper. “We figured that this would be long enough for him to deal with Godzilla and friends. If it wasn’t, then we could always create another one.” But the question remained: would a single giant Trump be enough to beat off hordes of giant Japanese monsters? “After all, despite being giant sized, he wouldn’t have powers like Godzilla’s radioactive breath, for instance,” says the scientist. “Although, of course, there was that unfortunate incident when he farted and took out the whole of Orange County.” Ultimately, though, with the Japanese monsters double and triple teaming against giant Trump, it was felt prudent to create reinforcements. “At first, it seemed to be working, with giant Pete Hegseth, drunkenly brawling with Jet Jaguar in the ruins of Seattle, felling him with a giant bottle to the head,” Schtupper notes. “But once he ran out of booze, he became reluctant to fight, just shouting insults at the Japanese monsters while hiding behind a wrecked skyscraper. As for giant J D Vance, he just stood on the sidelines and egged giant Trump on to punch King Kong when the ape wasn’t looking, but wouldn’t get involved himself!”
With the giant Republicans coming up short, the US is now left with the dilemma of whether it should find a new means to fight back or simply lower tariffs against Japanese goods. “Let’s face it, it was always unlikely that, even giant sized, a demented old man and his band of two faced, abusive hangers on simply wouldn’t be a match for the whole pantheon of Japanese Kaiju,” opines Borker. “All that has happened is that the US economy has been utterly trashed even faster than it would have been with just the tariff madness. I really don’t see what Trump can do other than abandon this crazy strategy and hope that the monsters go home.” While Borker believes that the White House should have seen the Japanese monster attacks coming, supporters of the Trump regime have tried to defend its tariff policy. “Honestly, who could possibly have foreseen that slapping massive and arbitrarily calculated tariffs on each and every one of your trading partners would trigger massive stock market crashes around the globe?” asks market analyst Tom Frodby. “Certainly, nobody could have predicted Japan’s crazy response. Damn it, if it hadn’t have been for the likes of Godzilla trashing the West Coast, then the policy would have worked as planned with countries queueing up to beg for trade deals and the US raking in huge profits from importers.”
