“I’d just settled down on my sofa to watch Eastenders the other week when, just as the theme music started, this arse suddenly appeared above my TV set,” claims thirty four year old Milton Keynes housewife Sandy Toggle. “I mean, it just literally appeared out of thin air – there was no flash of light or clap of thunder or whatever to presage its arrival. It was just this arse, both cheeks of it, floating there. Then suddenly this stream of steaming shit came flying out of it, all over my TV set! I mean, quite literally steaming. It was also foul smelling and some it spattered onto the sofa! It was utterly disgusting! Then, as abruptly as it had started, it stopped and the arse vanished, to be followed a couple of seconds later by a wad of soiled toilet paper dropping from the same spot!” The bizarre incident left Toggle dumbfounded. At first suspecting some kind of supernatural agency at work, Toggle called in a local clergyman with a view to an exorcism. “He dismissed the whole business as some kind of hoax, so I tried the local psychic research society and ended up with a bunch of nerds going over my house for two days, but they too ruled out a haunting,” she explains. “I even had plumbers and the environmental health inspectors in, just in case it was a leaking waste pipe or something, but they too seemed to think it was a hoax. They implied that I’d crapped all over my TV myself!”
Left suspecting that she might be losing her mind, Toggle was given reassurance when a sample of the excrement she had sent to a lab for analysis was found to be of non-terrestrial origin. “They said that they had never seen anything like it – it definitely wasn’t human,” she says. “Hearing that was such a relief. If nothing else it proved that I couldn’t have taken a dump in my own living room while in the grip of some kind of psychotic episode!” Buoyed by the lab results, Toggle decided to research her strange experience online and was amazed to discover that it wasn’t an isolated incident. “Apparently, this sort of thing is happening all over the country,” she reveals. “Phantom arses appearing in kitchens, living rooms, bedrooms, even, taking humongous dumps out of thin air! It even happens outside – one bloke in West Bromwich got an earful off piss while he was digging his garden! A powerful stream of it just appeared mid-air! In every case, the reports were dismissed by the authorities as hallucinations and the victims branded cranks and crackpots! It’s clear that something very strange is going on – but just what is it? What are the authorities covering up?” The answer, it seems, could lie in the field of waste disposal. “It all started decades ago when we realised that quantum physics and its theory that a multitude of parallel universes co-exist alongside ours was clearly sign posting an obvious solution to all of our problems with disposing of the increasing volumes of waste and pollution created by our modern world,” Professor John Turlingston, formerly of the National Waste Disposal Research Institute, recently told Sewerage Digest in a bombshell interview. “That’s right, we dump all of our shit – both literal and figurative – into one of these parallel universes. Preferably one that it is uninhabited, obviously. Well, mostly uninhabited. I mean, just so long as the bit where we’re doing the dumping doesn’t have any life developed enough to complain to the local council, or take us to court, we’ll be OK, we thought.”
All the plan needed, according to Turlingston, was for scientists at the Large Hadron Collider, or somewhere, to open up a portal to these other universes. With that, we could have a clean earth, at last. No more landfills, no more shit in the rivers and ocean, no sewage treatment plants, no having to seal away radioactive waste for thousands of years. “We could crap and consume to our hearts’ content, secure in the knowledge that we could export all of our waste, no matter how toxic it might be, to somewhere that we don’t have to think about,” enthuses the scientist. “ It’s a concept that could revolutionise every form of waste disposal. Just imagine if a miniature stable portal to this hypothetical dump universe could be mass produced – every home could have an inter-dimensional waste disposal unit. No more weekly bin collections or having to sort out the recycling. Just send it all into another universe. Sewers would become obsolete – the waste pipe of every toilet would feed into one of these portals. It really would be a case of ‘flush and forget’. Think of the water that could be saved this way.” Turlingston further claimed that such a development could do the same thing on a larger scale for industry. Instead of dumping their toxic waste into the nearest river, factories could just dump it into a river in another universe. The same with nuclear waste and medical waste.
Research into developing such a ‘waste portal’, however, eventually foundered. “Just under ten years ago, we at the Institute were on the verge of a breakthrough,” reveals Turlingston. “But then we were hit by the Tory government’s ‘austerity’ policies and public funding dried up, halting the project in its tracks.” Frustrated, the researchers sought private investment from several tech billionaires. “They seemed interested, but in the end nothing came of it,” says the Professor. “At least, that’s what we thought until these reports of phantom shittings started appearing.” In his interview, Turlingston revealed that he and his fellow researchers had severe reservations about the involvement of private capital in the project. “We feared that the downside of this was that, if developed commercially, you could guarantee that the makers of this technology would cut corners to maximise profits and do only the most cursory checks to ensure that all of our waste was going to an uninhabited universe,” opines Turlingston. “I mean, they aren’t going to want to waste money searching through literally thousands of other universes in the hope of finding an empty one. If the likes of Elon Musk managed to develop a pan dimensional waste disposal portal, for instance, you could just bet that it would turn out that we were basically taking a dump all over Narnia and, before you knew it, hordes of vengeful mythical beasts would be surging out of our wardrobes and shitting all over our houses in retaliation.”
Turlingston fears that the recent spate of out-of-the-blue crappings in British homes could be the result of such activities by private pan dimensional waste disposal initiatives. “These incidents could represent retaliation for our toxic wastes invading the habitats of the inhabitants of a parallel universe,” he explains. “They’re doubtless just trying to show us what it is like to have alien turds suddenly come flying into your home without warning.” In a subsequent article published in Sewage Digest, a former colleague of Professor Turlingston has offered an alternative explanation for the recent excremental intrusions into our world. “Frankly, I think it likelier that the inhabitants of one of these parallel universes has developed this technology first and started randomly dumping their shit into the first alternative universe they found. Which happens to be ours,” explains Dr Charlie Hempeler. “I’ve long argued that it was essential that we get in first in this potential inter-reality shit-throwing contest. If we could take pre-emptive dumps into as many alternate universes as possible, then we could, hopefully, bury any of these bastards under a pile of our waste and effluent before they could hit us. Sadly, though, it now looks as if the bastards have beaten us to it.”
