It has been announced that recently slain right-wing agitator Charlie Kirk’s podcast will continue – not with guest presenters like J D Vance, but instead with Kirk himself communicating his thoughts from beyond the grave. “We’re proud to announce that Charlie Kirk’s indomitable spirit will continue to present his show each week via the medium of a Ouija board,” declares Hank Herkletter, one of the new show’s producers. “We’ve experimented with other formats, such as having him talk to the audience via automatic writing, with former Superman star Dean Cain reading it out, but we settled on the Ouija board as the most effective.” The new format will see four notable figures from the right of US politics gather around a Ouija board each week, to pose listeners’ questions to Kirk’s spirit, then read aloud his responses as they are spelt out on the board. “We’ve got Vice President J D Vance, Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth, FBI Director Kash Patel and crackpot podcaster Steve Bannon lined up for the first show,” enthuses Herkletter. “We’re hoping to get ‘The Donald’ himself onto a future show, just so long as he can find a break in his busy schedule of resolving global conflicts.”
For political analyst George Foreplan, the announcement of Kirk’s posthumous podcast appearances comes as no surprise. “With Kirk now officially a MAGA martyr, it was only a matter of time before he started manifesting from beyond the grave,” comments Foreplan, Professor of Political Science at the New Haven College of Barbering Studies and a frequent contributor to various online news sites. “How long can it be before his devout followers start seeing visions of him? Perhaps his spirit will start turning up to address meetings of his acolytes – if not in person then perhaps via that Ouija board. Still, if nothing else, this version of the podcast will free up J D Vance to get on with his actual job of spewing out barely coherent hate in his capacity of Vice President rather than spewing out incoherent hate as a stand in presenter on a right-wing podcast.” Foreplan fears there might yet be more sinister developments in the after life of Charlie Kirk. “I fear that it can only be a matter of time before he starts encouraging the most rabid of his followers to go out and smite down his foes,” he opines. “Remember how crazies always used to claim ‘God told me to’ in response to questioning as to why they’d just massacred a bunch of innocent people? Well, brace yourself for ‘Charlie told me to do it’ the next time some crazy goes nutzoid with an AK-47 and mows down a crowd of people he thought were illegal immigrants (on account of them not being white). Doubtless he’ll tell the court that before he took up arms the spirit of Charlie Kirk whispered in his ear that he needed to save white America from a bunch of would-be foreign terrorists, rapists and psychos – Charlie was even by his side when he pulled the trigger, pointing out who he had to shoot.”
Other commentators are convinced that such developments would only be signposts on the road to Kirk becoming the first MAGA saint. “The patron saint of hateful racists, misogynists and transphobes, presumably,” muses top theologian Oscar Prelude. “But really, with those eulogies and veneration paid to Kirk by the great and the good of the MAGA movement at his recent memorial, it is quite clear that that they are already more than half way to canonising him. He’s already cleared the first hurdle in that he’s now been embraced as a martyr to the crazy right-wing cause.” To be properly canonised, however, a candidate has to have been shown to perform three miraculous things. “They’re usually along the lines of someone recovering from a terminal illness after seeing a vision of them, or growing an amputated limb back after praying at a shrine set up for them. That sort of thing,” points out Prelude. “In Kirk’s case, though, I suspect that the sort of ‘MAGA miracles’ his acolytes might accept would be somewhat different, probably involving gay people being turned straight or black people voluntarily going back to enslavement.” Indeed, already there has been an incident which many MAGA acolytes are hailing as a Charlie Kirk-related miracle. “Down in East Texas, a Trump supporter is claiming that his wife has miraculously renounced her feminist principles after after Kirk visited him in a dream and told him to ‘slap the liberal devil out of her’,” reveals Prelude. “Apparently she hasn’t answered him back since and has his dinner ready on time for him every night when he gets home from work.”
According to Prelude, the MAGA faithful are now searching for two more ‘miracles’ to be able to move Kirk toward sainthood. “Rumours are rife – a story that a couple in Georgia succeeded in ‘converting’ their gay child to heterosexuality through tying him to a chair and repeatedly touching a plaster statue of Kirk (one of an alarming number of Kirk memorabilia already being hawked by the MAGA movement) to his genitals over a three week period proved to be untrue. It turned out that they’d actually used electroshock treatment on him,” explains Prelude. “Equally untrue proved to be that rumour of those trans kids in North Carolina who supposedly grew back their original genitals and embraced their true genders after being forced to listen to recordings of Kirk’s podcasts on a continuous loop for forty eight hours.” Clearly though, even if they had been proven true, such so-called ‘miracles’ most certainly wouldn’t be accepted by the Pope (particularly the present one) as true miracles, something necessary for the advancement to canonisation.
Nonetheless, Prelude suspects that such a technicality surely wouldn’t bother the MAGA faithful, who answer to a higher power – The Almighty Donald J Trump. “Let’s face it, MAGA is pretty much a religion already and tilting ever more that way in the wake of the Kirk killing as every religious crackpot uses it as a pretext for cranking up their violent rhetoric against the ‘enemies’ of the righteous,” he points out. “These loons practically worship Trump already, they hang on his every word, taking it as gospel truth, no matter how obviously ignorant, ill informed or downright insane it might be.” The logical next step. Prelude speculates, would be for the ‘Church of MAGA’ to claim that its ‘Pope’, Donald Trump, is actually anointed by God and therefore not answerable to mortal institutions such as the courts, congress and the electorate. “Before you know it, they’ll be issuing a new version of the Bible, based entirely upon the demented ramblings of Trump himself,” sighs Prelude. “They already have their own twisted pantheon of prophets like Steve Bannon and Laura Loomer, so it would only be fitting and logical for Charlie Kirk, hate monger to America’s youth, to be anointed as their first saint.”
