Sex and Rockets

“The crucial question is whether that set of giant mechanical arms used to catch that Space X rocket booster stage were a scaled up version of a mechanical hand that Elon Musk had developed to allow him to remotely grope women’s breasts?” muses leading space scientist Dr Hans Jakoff. “Because, if so, it would provide further proof that my suspicions as to the true nature of Musk’s obsession with space and, in particular, colonising Mars.” Jakoff’s recent claims about barmy billionaire, illegal immigrant and Trump groupie Elon Musk have sparked controversy as to the Space X and Tesla owner’s suitability for public office, even as President-elect Trump appointed him to a key role in his administration. “It always seems to me that Musk is a man deeply uncomfortable with having to deal with actual, real-life people, despite his obvious obsession with sex and procreation – something that involves human intimacy..” opines the scientist. “Sure, I know what you are going to say – that he already has multiple children by multiple women – but I suspect that turkey basters (or perhaps something more sophisticated developed in the X labs) played a part in their conception. If those rocket-catching giant arms really were developed from a remote breast-groping device, it would surely confirm this observation – no man who needs mechanical hands to grope boobs can be comfortable with human intimacy.”

Other commentators agree with Jakoff’s thesis as to Musk’s human intimacy problems. “His discomfort with real people is there for everyone to see – why else do you think that he bought Twitter? It’s a way of interacting with people without actually having to do so in the flesh. It’s all done remotely,” notes Paul Prodley, Technology Editor of the Milwaukee Computer Fanciers Gazette. “Of course, having bought the app and started interacting with the masses, Musk found that real people aren’t what he expected: most of them refused to recognise his self-proclaimed genius and lots of them disagreed with him. So he drove them off the app, ensuring that he now only had to interact with the like minded and sycophantic. But still remotely and without intimacy. So I don’t think it a stretch to speculate that in Musk-land, the preferred option for inseminating women would be to do it remotely.” Prodley further points out that Musk’s obsession with artificial procreation is also out there for everyone to see. “Those rockets he keeps building, for instance. What do they look like? Huge steel penises, obviously,” says the journalist. “What does he intend doing with them? Fire them into space and penetrate the atmosphere of Mars, with the stated intent of ‘colonising’ it – an obvious euphemism for inseminating it.”

Still more disturbingly, Dr Jakoff believes that Musk’s goal is to, literally, achieve a union with the soil of Mars and create a whole new race in his image. Procreation on a huge scale without any need for human intimacy. “OK, I can see that you still doubt me, but trust me, the first rocket he actually sends to Mars is going to be carrying a payload of his own jism,” declares the top rocket scientist. “Look, I’ve had it on good authority that he’s been jerking off into test tubes for years in order to gather the required ‘critical mass’ of jizz needed to achieve his aim. He’s gambling on the existence of microscopic life forms existing in the soil of Mars, which fuse with his jism and, invigorated by his ‘tech genius’ DNA start to evolve into a new, advanced life form. It’s the ultimate billionaire procreation fantasy – many of them are obsessed with inseminating as many women as possible here on earth in order to propagate what they think are their superior genes. Musk is just taking it a stage further by trying to inseminate an entire planet.”

But, as Jakoff concedes, shagging Mars is a long-term project for Musk and in the shorter term he was more likely to focus his efforts on artificially inseminating earth women in order to spread his genes far and wide, without the inconvenience of actually having to interact with any women directly. “Those robots he is so keen on developing, they’re the key to his remote sex ambitions,” he says. “I’m convinced his aim is to produce a sexbot, or seXbot probably, a mechanical humanoid into which he can load his own semen and send it off to impregnate woman with its advanced X-Penis.” According to Jakoff, this latter device could be deployed independently. “There have been stories from ex-employees of Musk’s various businesses of this metallic snake thing, with a glowing blue orb where its head should be, sliding around the corridors and offices,” he explains. “Several female workers reportedly had to fight it off, after it gripped their ankles and coiled around one leg, with the head trying to force its way up between their legs. Management tried to claim that it was some kind of exploration device destined for Mars which was under test, but obviously, nobody believed that.”

Prodley believes that Musk’s seXbot plans could be even more sinister, pointing out the tech baron’s obsession with implanting technology in people’s heads. “Thanks to these brain implants he’s developing, he’ll be able to establish a wi-fi link with the seXbot and vicariously experience its sexual activities,” speculates the journalist. “I’m convinced that this is what’s really behind his link up with Trump – by bankrolling his campaign he’s bought himself a post in the administration and plenty of influence. My worry is that he’ll use his influence over Trump to push for a mandatory installation of these chips in the heads of every American woman! He’ll be able to virtually shag every woman in the country!” Equally concerning is the question of what Musk might be offering Trump in return. “Hell, we know that Trump is an adjudicated rapist so if Musk has offered to give him access to this technology then there could be chaos – an absolute nightmare for women all over the US,” he claims. “Even if its only the X-Penis tech he’s making available to Trump and all his other creepy billionaire ‘friends’ and right-wing extremist Twitter bros, it still doesn’t bode well for American women, especially with Roe v Wade overturned – there’s no way many of them could do anything even if they found that they had been techno-impregnated by stealth! I fear that there are darks days ahead!”