“It was a perfectly peaceful protest until these ICE guys turned up and started manhandling people – and I’m telling you that it had nothing to do with crowd control: it was sexual harassment,” claims Lorna Puck, a twenty four year old post-grad student from Ohio, describing what happened to her and other female protestors during a demonstration against the Trump administration’s immigration policies. “This one thug in a mask just grabbed my left breast – as if that wasn’t painful enough in itself, I felt this huge jolt of electricity rip through my breast! It was still tingling hours later! The bastard was clearly turned on by what he’d done and my reaction – I screamed in a mixture of pain and pleasure, because I can’t deny that it was slightly erotic!” Puck wasn’t the only woman at the demonstration who claimed to have been sexually assaulted by ICE operatives wearing electrified gloves in a literal ‘Shock and Awe’ operation, with some describing having their buttocks shockingly groped, or even being grabbed between the legs, with shocking results. The incident served to confirm the suspicions of investigative reporter Jake Tool and set him off on an enquiry into just where ICE is sourcing its equipment.
“You know, when I first heard about these gloves that can give electric shocks to people touched by their wearers which the Trump regime wanted to issue to ICE agents, I thought don’t they sound like the sort of thing that you used to see advertised in the back pages of porn magazines?” he told readers of Behind the Headlines magazine, which is publishing his findings. “You’d find them alongside the ads for dodgy masturbation devices like the ‘Wanky-Doodle-Dandy’, (I kid you not, that was a real product), blow up sex dolls and the like. They’d be promoted with something along the lines of ‘how to make your love life electric’, or ‘give your woman an electrifying sex experience when you stroke her with these’. Believe me, there are a lot of people into mild S&M who go in for this sort of thing – giving electric shocks to their partners’ erogenous zones would, for them, be considered a major erotic turn on. Especially if they shackled to iron bedstead at the time. Or so I’m told.” For Tool, this raised the question of whether ICE is now having its equipment supplied by the sex industry? “What next, I wondered: nipple clamps to subdue detainees, making it easier for ICE agents to pull them, by the nipples, into custody? Or perhaps whips for crowd control?” be mused. “Maybe they could use vibrators, claiming that they are powerful weapons to harmlessly subdue female targets? How about swapping their current ski-masks for more durable leather gimp masks to keep their identities secret while they go about their illegal business?”
Taking the electrified gloves as his starting point, Tool set about trying to determine their origin – just who had won the contract to supply them? “I had to work my way through a series of front companies, holding companies and the like, before I finally found that the gloves had originated with a New Orleans company called ‘The Gentleman’s Relish and Ladies’ Delight Emporium’, which describes itself as a purveyor of high quality marital aids,” he revealed to the magazine. “Apparently, they supply their products by mail order, always in discreet brown paper wrapping. When I checked with a source in the Department of Homeland Security’s procurement division, they confirmed to me that the gloves had arrive at their central equipment distribution centre in just such wrappings!” But just who was behind the company? Just how had a distributor of sex toys landed a huge, high profile, government contract? “Look, I know that this all sounds bizarre, ridiculous even. But let’s not forget the levels of corruption in the Trump administration,” the journalist points out. “In particular, the way in which various lucrative government contracts keep getting awarded to Trump cronies and family members. Also bear in mind Trump’s associations with porn industry figures like Stormy Daniels.”
So, was it so far-fetched to imagine that some hooker, madame, stripper or porn actress acquaintance of Trump administration officials – or even of Trump himself – had set up this sex equipment supplies company and managed, via their contacts within the administration, to land a contract to supply ICE with equipment, Tool asked himself. Further investigations revealed that ‘The Gentleman’s Relish and Ladies’ Delight Emporium’ was, in fact, majority owned by former adult actress Hermione Fudger, who frequently performed under the name ‘Magna Cum Loudly’, via a shell company. “Washington scuttlebutt had it that she’d attended a number of Trump fundraisers during both the 2020 and 2024 campaigns and retained many contacts in the Trump camp,” the reported claimed. “Apparently, since the commencement of Trump’s second administration, her company had been bidding, unsuccessfully for a number of government contracts. She finally hit pay dirt, it seems, with this contract to supply ICE with those electric gloves. Apparently, Trump had got it into his head that, to avoid all he bad publicity of his ICE thugs shooting people dead, they needed to be able to instead ‘zap’ people with theeir fingers in order device to inflict non-fatal extreme pain on protesters and suspects. Fudger was the only person able to offer anything remotely similar to his crazy idea.”
Tool was shocked to discover, however, that the gloves contract had apparently opened the door for Fudger’s company to become ICE’s preferred supplier of equipment. “There were also rumours of certain officials receiving ‘services in kind’ from her for contracts, but nothing that could be proved.” he told readers. “But a confidential contact I have in ICE has told me that she has now also got the contract to outfit their detention centres, with the holding areas now styled like bondage dungeons, featuring detainees shackled to the walls!” According to the anonymous insider, interrogation rooms are now equipped with wooden chairs fitted with manacles, cages and racks, where detainees are spreadeagled naked while they have hot wax dripped on them until they give up the names of all their equally illegal immigrant associates. If that doesn’t work, then a gimp-masked ICE agent bends them across his knee and gives them a good hard bare-arsed spanking. But Tool feels that we shouldn’t, perhaps, be surprised by these developments. “It’s pretty much ‘on brand’ for this administration,” he opines. “I mean,if Trump can give the White House a makeover so that it’s interior now looks like a bordello, it seems perfectly reasonable that he’d hire someone to turn ICE’s buildings into bondage parlours.”
