While most of the world is heaving a sigh of relief at the new that the trajectory an asteroid that astronomers had feared might collide with the earth has now been calculated to miss our planet by a wide margin, one group of scientists is secretly plotting ways to get it back on course for a collision and speed up its arrival. While such a project would seem to be the inverse of the usual scenario, presented in films like Deep Impact, where governments try to find a way of destroying or diverting incoming objects threatening to destroy the earth, those behind it claim that their aim is to save the planet. “We have to remember that this particular asteroid simply isn’t large enough to destroy the earth – its impact wouldn’t even trigger a catastrophic change in climate of the kind that resulted in the extinction of the dinosaurs,” explains Dr Joachim Stappler, a leading physicist who has been consulted by the scientists involved in the project. “But it could take out a major city and surrounding area – most likely in the Americas according to the original calculations of its course.” According to sources close to the project – known as ‘Earth Strike’ – before the asteroid’s trajectory was recalculated, there had been hopes that the asteroid might hit the US’ east coast, preferably close to Washington DC. “It seemed the perfect way to rid the world of the global menace that is Donald Trump,” muses Stappler. “Think about it – a natural disaster, an act of God, against which even the craziest right-wing Trump supporter couldn’t threaten repercussions or retaliation. If we were really lucky, it could have taken out the whole of the MAGA establishment in one fell swoop!”
But with the asteroid now predicted to miss the earth, many world leaders secretly agreed that getting it back on course and its progress speeded up, was a priority and set up the top secret Project ‘Earth Strike’. “In all those movies, world governments have to keep potential collisions of this sort secret in order to avoid widespread panic,” observes Stappler. “In this case, however, they have had to keep it secret, not just to stop Trump from finding out, but to avoid premature public jubilation.” Consequently, the world’s greatest non-American scientists, mathematicians and engineers were gathered at a secret location in order to put their minds to calculating the course the asteroid needs to be diverted to in order to strike the East Coast of the USA and how best to speed up its arrival. “It could be the European Space Agency’s (ESA) finest hour if they could come up with a rocket booster that could be attached to the asteroid’s far side in order to boost its progress,” says Stappler. “Of course, the icing on the cake would be if techno-jerk Elon Musk’s Space X could be contracted to unwittingly take everything needed up into space on their rockets. Although that could be risky, as they have a tendency to explode.”
The key problem to be addressed, Stappler believes, is ensuring that the asteroid actually hits its designated target. “Personally, I keep coming back to the old science fiction film This Island Earth, where it is revealed that the planet of the aliens abducting earth scientists is being destroyed by an enemy alien race who use spaceships to guide comets to crash into it,” he says. “The image of those tiny ships peeling away from the comets as they hurtle planetwards has stayed with me since I first saw that film as a child. Couldn’t we come up with something similar to guide that asteroid in on Washington DC?” But there are other problems facing the project which have no scientific solution. “How can we be sure that Trump will actually be in DC at the time the asteroid strikes?” asks political analyst Tom Kilt. “After all, he seems to spend most of his time playing golf at Mar-a-Lago – so, arguably, there’s probably a better chance of getting Trump there. Would it be possible to ensure that he’s in DC on the designated day – what is the last possible moment that we could divert the asteroid to Florida if he’s there instead?”
Kilt also believes that people might well object to this plan on moral plans, pointing out that if the asteroid was to hit Washington then thousands could die in the resultant widespread destruction. “My reply to them is that collateral damage is always inevitable in such operations. I mean, just ask the Israelis – in order to protect themselves it’s necessary to bomb the whole of Gaza flat killing hundreds, if not thousands, of Palestinians with no connection whatsoever to Hamas,” he opines. Unfortunate, but you just have to see the bigger picture and accept that sacrifices of this sort are necessary for the advancement of the greater good. So, as far as protecting ourselves, not to mention the rest of the world, from Trump, Europe just has to be brave and make the hard choices. Like ensuring that he’s wiped out by a falling asteroid.”
News of the existence of Project ‘Earth Strike’ comes amidst rumours of the UK and France retargeting their nuclear arsenals on the US rather than Russia as Trump becomes ever more unpredictable and erratic in his second term. “Apparently, there are no plans to launch strikes on the US in the near future – the UK and French governments are looking to the long-term and trying to safeguard against Trump defying the constitution to seek a third term,” reveals Kilt. “In such an event, rather than launch their missiles against major US cities on the East and West coasts, the Anglo-French nuclear force will instead target those southern and mid-western states full of rabid Trump-supporting rednecks. If we can destroy his main constituency, we can stop him at the polls!” The UK’s Secret Intelligence Service (SIS) is also said to be considering engaging the services of its old foe Ernst Stavro Blofeld and his SPECTRE organisation to steal a nuclear device and plant it under the White House if ‘Earth Strike’ proves abortive. “They succeeded in doing just that in the sixties,” says Kilt. “But the SIS got wind of it and tipped off Washington. I’m assured that if SPECTRE can do it again, then there’s no way that the UK is telling the Trump administration and will only pay Blofeld a ransom if he does detonate that bomb while Trump is in the Oval Office.”
