Welcome to our semi-regular feature – Ask the Rev – where leading paranormal expert and ordained priest (in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist) Reverend Leonard Fanny addresses our readers’ supernatural personal problems. This time the Rev’s expertise is required to deal with the case of ‘The Curse of the Insatiable Sex Fiend’.
Dear Reverend,
I recently came home from work early to find my husband engaging in a raucous three in a bed sex session with two female neighbours and a shop assistant from the local branch of ‘Boots’. Their activities were so energetic that not only did they break the bed, but they also knocked the plaster off of the ceiling of the dining room below, wrecking the dining room table. It was an utterly humiliating experience for me – my husband’s cries of ecstasy could be heard all down the street. This was incident was the culmination of my husband’s recent apparently insatiable appetite for sex – with prostitutes, with complete strangers he meets in dogging locations, friends, neighbours, even my mother. Now, before you throw this letter in the bin, on the grounds that you are an exorcist, not a marriage counsellor, I should add that my husband’s explanation for his recent priapic behaviour is that he is being driven to to these carnal excesses by an ancient curse that is causing to age at an accelerated rate – something that can only be reversed by the power of the orgasm. Obviously, my immediate reaction was to tell him that this was the most pathetic excuse for infidelity that I’d ever heard and to throw him out of the house. But, the fact is that he really has looked younger after each of his indiscretions: less grey in his hair, fewer wrinkles, better muscle tone. Moreover, after the three in a bed business, the receding of his hairline seemed to have reversed itself, with him now sporting a full head of curly hair. Indeed, I actually walked into the room as he was coming to a climax with the last girl and as he threw back his head and bellowed like a moose, I’d swear that I actually saw the hair growing back before my eyes!
He further claimed that the reason he had to have this life-giving sex with other women rather than with me wasn’t simply down to the quantity required, but to protect me – while their orgasms gave him life, they drained it from the women, ageing them. He didn’t want to restore his virility at the cost of turning me into an old crone – which was why we hadn’t had sex for the two months since he was cursed. Again, while, on the one hand, this just sounded like another excuse, there’s no denying that those three women he shagged in our bed certainly looked haggard and spent by the experience. I saw the girl from ‘Boots’ a couple of days later and not only were her knockers definitely sagging, but she was now sporting a grey streak in her hair – she’s only twenty two! I also heard one of the neighbour women he had in that bed telling her friend that her pubes had gone grey afterwards. According to my husband, the effects are often far more extreme, claiming that woman he bonked in the park screamed and exploded into a cloud of dust beneath him as she came. I know that it is all circumstantial, but it all seems to support his bizarre claims. Nevertheless, I still have doubts – he rains very vague about the origin of this curse, mumbling something about having handled a cursed object at work, (he works in the local university’s library). When I pressed him on the subject, he said that it was some kind of ancient Egyptian artefact he’d found in the archaeology department’s store rooms while looking for an overdue textbook and had handled, later learning that it was known as ‘The Dread Curse of Sett’, a mummified penis used in rituals by priests of the Egyptian god of death! According to legend, it truly is the member of the god himself, if it is touched by anyone other than one of these priests, then they are cursed to constant rutting in order to avoid premature ageing!
I really don’t know what to believe any more – he does look younger, but that business about a cursed mummified penis just seems so unlikely. I’m hoping that a man such as yourself, well versed in matters spiritual, can give me some advice on this matter.
I M Horny (Mrs)
Rutland
The Rev Replies: Well! This is an interesting one! While cases of sexual vampirism, where the victims have the life force sucked from themvia the act of intercourse aren’t unknown – that business in Bromley in 1978, when an entire convent of nuns were left as emaciated wrecks by a particularly pernicious example of the species – these cases usually involved female vampires, who quite literally sucked the life out through oral sex. Their victims can be of either sex – I’m sure that you remember that 1989 case where those three school boys in Camden were relieved of their energy by a vampire posing as a schoolmistress offering ‘behind the bike sheds blow jobs’ – or any sexual orientation – let’s not forget the 2003 ‘Colchester Cottaging Horror’, which led to the closure of the men’s toilets at the town’s bus station. But, instinctively, I can’t help but feel that you husband’s story is, to be frank, a load of old bollocks. Cursed objects, particularly of such antiquity, are rare and unlikely to be found in store rooms. If he is a sex vampire though, then it could be tricky stopping him – the only sure way of killing these creatures is beheading, although, if he is using conventional penetrative sex to drain his victims’ energy then perhaps castration might do the trick. I suspect, however, that you would prefer a less drastic solution to the problem.
I think that the first order of business should be to put this supposed curse to the test. Confront your husband about this need for the power of the orgasm to rejuvenate him – suggest that he abstain for awhile and see if masturbation might provide sufficient energy to stop his ageing. Offer to get him some particularly explicit pornography to help him ‘build up a head of steam’, offer to give him a ‘helping hand’ to ensure a sufficiently powerful ‘pay off’. If he agrees and starts to rapidly age, then there might be something in the curse, but if he stays looking the same, then I’d suggest that you start looking for his stash of ‘Grecian 2000’. On the off chance that the curse is real and that the mummified penis exists, then I think that you have no choice but to get hold of it and neutralise the object. This could be done n several ways – laying a crucifix on it, or sprinkling t with holy water might, for instance, work, but more drastic measures might be needed. It might be that you need to ‘overload’ it with sexual energy by using it, as vigourously as possible, as a dildo: a powerful orgasm while it is inside you could be enough. I would, however, caution you to put a condom, preferably blessed by an ordained priest, on the object before handling it so as to minimise contact and the risk of being cursed yourself.
The Rev will be back soon to give more advice on your paranormal problems. So, if your sex life is a hump in the night or you find yourself nocturnally plagued by the attentions of a spectral groper, drop us a line.
(The Rev is also available for weddings, christenings and exorcisms, the latter only on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons).
