“They’re a bloody disgrace – just look at the state of them. A bunch of overweight, bald slobs making absolute arses of themselves!” This condemnation of those who took part in the UK’s recent far-right anti-immigration riots comes from a surprising quarter: Arthur Hoplander, leader of the British Federation of Fascists. “As a fascist, I’m utterly ashamed to have our movement linked with them,” he continues. “We pride ourselves on being the best dressed, most stylish of all right-wing extremists, not to mention the fittest, best-looking and disciplined – not some sweaty drunken rabble wheezing threats at Muslim shopkeepers before collapsing in a fit of coughing! It’s clear to me that what the British right needs is discipline, not to mention better dress sense – if you are going to beat up immigrants then at least do it with some semblance of pride!” Hoplander has admitted frustration at what he sees as a missed opportunity to spark a populist far-right insurrection on the streets of Britain, undermined, he argues by the rioters’ complete lack of proper organisation and discipline. “These disturbances could have been the catalyst for something big – I am moved to tears when I think of what could have been possible if we in the Federation had been able to get our storm troopers out on those streets,” he laments, shaking his head in sorrow. “The authorities and those Muslim thugs defending their heathen Mosques would have been powerless to stop a phalanx of highly trained fascist fanatics in neatly pressed uniforms and shiny, polished boots!”
Hoplander places the blame for the riots’ failure firmly with the far-right’s current de facto leaders. “I mean, just look at them, who else are they going to inspire other than drunken louts and football hooligans?” he snorts. “That bloody idiot Nigel Farage seems to think he’s some kind of classy, inspirational leader, but he’s nothing more than the sort of blow hard buffoon who bores everyone to death in the saloon bar of his local with his ‘opinions’. As for that ‘Tommy Robinson’, or whatever he’s calling himself this week, he’s just some scruffy football thug and minor league chancer you wouldn’t even let use the tradesman’s entrance at your house. No dress sense, no style and absolutely no class! They couldn’t organise a bum rape in a barracks, let alone a fascist coup!” The self-styled true leader of Britain’s fascists points out that the most successful fascist movements of the last century were all tightly disciplined, well led and – most importantly – impeccably dressed. “It is essential in order to engender in recruits a feeling of pride in the movement and a sense of identity. It helps bind them together and makes them instantly identifiable on the street,” he enthuses. “The sight alone of a group of fascists in uniform is enough to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies – even if those uniforms are only neatly ironed black shirts! But what did we get in the recent riots? A tattoo of the Union Jack on one arse cheek and a Swastika on the other hardly constitutes a uniform, does it?”
Hoplander also believes that uniforms are essential for the process of normalising fascist policies and legitimising their activities in the public mind. “Take things like genocide – nowadays it has a bad name, but back in the day in Germany it was accepted as something both normal and necessary,” argues Hoplander. “When people see Jews and other sub-humans being rounded up and sent to concentration camps by well disciplined young men with neatly cut hair and wearing stylish black uniforms with lots of leather straps and jackboots, they understand that it is an official action being carried out by a legitimate authority.” Hoplander’s opinions have been echoed by former Hitler Youth member and convicted war criminal Jurgen Schwarzenhoffer. “I was appalled by what I saw on TV of these riots in England,” declared the ninety six year old – infamous for having been the youngest guard at Belsen and who only evaded the death penalty at Nuremberg due to his age – from his nursing home in Bolivia. “Any Nazi that fat and unkempt would have found themselves on a charge – these so called fascists in England would never have been given the honour of being an SS concentration guard, they were so disgracefully unfit. Could you imagine them desecrating the sacred black uniform, their beer bellies flopping out over their belts, bursting out of their shirts? No wonder these riots fizzled out – they got out of breath before they could chase the Muslims off of the streets!”
The German also echoes Hoplander’s criticism of Britain’s current crop of far right leaders. “This ‘Tommy Robinson’, he is nothing more than a common criminal, worse than that, he is an incompetent one – he was caught,” Scwarzenhoffer opines. “Believe me, in the glorious Third Reich, if one of our leaders had wanted to commit mortgage fraud on the Jewish money lenders, he would have done it on a far greater scale and got away with it – probably by changing the law to make it legal!” Both Schwarzenhoffer and Hoplander agree that image is everything if fascism is to reassert itself as a credible force in global politics. “How can you claim to be the Master Race if your cohorts look like a bunch of superannuated drunks who have just been thrown out of their local working men’s club for cheating at dominoes?” asks Hoplander. “You need to have fine young men with chiselled looks and blonde hair goose-stepping down the street in unison, exhibiting rigid discipline in pursuit of their cause – not breaking off to smash their way into the local branch of ‘Greggs’ to steal a tray of sausage rolls because they suddenly feel a bit peckish!”
Schwarzenhoffer agrees, pointing out that, in Nazi Germany, organisations like the Hitler Youth and the SS embodied the ideal of Aryan manhood, not broken down middle aged failures. “Those sad bastards we saw on Britain’s streets couldn’t instil fear into anyone’s hearts,” he says. “Not like in the great days of the Reich, when our enemies trembled at the sight of all those fine young men, their uniforms tight against their well muscled bodies! Believe me, until the UK’s fascists get in shape, start dressing properly and find themselves an upstanding leader with impeccable dress sense, they will continue to be nothing but a laughing stock!” Thirty five year old, neatly coiffured and designer suit wearing Hoplander believes that he is that leader and aims to grasp the mettle of uniting Britain’s fascists following the humiliating failure of the riots and the consequent discrediting of the country’s highest profile far right leaders. “For any aspiring British fascist, the first step should be joining the British Federation of Fascists. Obviously, we have some eligibility criteria for members: under forty, waist size thirty four inches or less, blonde hair and blue eyes for instance. But don’t worry if your fitness isn’t at its peak – our membership fee includes an intensive physical fitness programme,” explains Hoplander, who is coincidentally the owner of a national chain of gyms. “One of our established members also happens to own a chain of gentleman’s outfitters -so uniforms can be made to measure. With an exclusive members discount, of course.”
