“Listen, listen – we weren’t the ones starting trouble. It was all down to the filth – there wouldn’t have been any problems if the police hadn’t opposed us when we went for the mosques and hotels full of immigrants,” argues Ken Dickler of the English Defence League, who is currently on bail for offences committed during the recent far-right riot in Southport. “Because, you know, they never oppose those Muslim rioters, like in Leeds a few weeks ago, even though they weren’t Muslims, they were Romanians. But we didn’t know that at the time, did we? Oh, and that Keir Starmer isn’t playing fair when he condemns us as thugs and announces a crackdown on us – he’s obviously a traitor, because he isn’t cracking down on those Muslims like he should on the basis that they are, well, bloody Muslims.” Dickler, like many others associated with the current wave of extreme right-wing violence sweeping the UK, is keen to dispel the widespread public notion that they are simply beer bellied hooligans adorned with Nazi tattoos using issues like immigration as an excuse to destroy property and terrorise communities Rather, they claim, they have legitimate cause, that they are just ordinary decent citizens who been pushed to the limits by mass immigration, both legal and illegal, and that ‘enough is enough’. Others, however, disagree, believing that the explanation for their anti-social behaviour is far simpler. “Britain is currently suffering from a surfeit of idiocy,” proclaims Professor Dudley Durkham, Chair of Politics at the East Grinstead Institute of Animal Husbandry. “Which, it cannot be doubted is becoming a serious problem, with the consequences of this mass stupidity now spilling out of saloon bars and local radio phone ins and onto the UK’s streets.”

Durkham an expert on public stupidity and its political consequences, contends that if it weren’t for the UK’s record levels of stupidity, then such disruptions wouldn’t be taking place. “It’s quite simple really. These things can only occur when there are large numbers of individuals stupid enough to follow the sort of idiotic race-baiting rhetoric put out by public figures intent upon stirring up race hate for their own purposes,” he opines. “Basically, people of this level of idiocy are completely incapable of forming their own opinions on the basis of, say, critically evaluating a variety of reputable news sources in order to come to a conclusion. Instead, they’d rather have their opinions furnished for them, either by these grifting bigoted public figures, or via the medium of posts from completely unverified accounts on social media. In short, they are easily led into moronic activities like anti-immigration riots and racially motivated attacks on minorities.” To back up his assessment, Durkham points toward the incident that licked off this latest wave of violent disruption as clear evidence of the rioters’ stupidity. “The flashpoint used to excuse their actions was the knife attack in Southport that left three little girls dead. But these upright citizens, instead of waiting for official statements and accurate reports about the alleged perpetrator, instead decided to rely upon social media posts, from unverifiable sources, that claimed the attacker was a Muslim immigrant who had arrived in the UK illegally on a small boat,” he points out. “Again, rather than let the law take its course, these upstanding examples of British citizenry decided to start attacking the local mosque, despite the fact that the accused is, of course, neither a Muslim nor an immigrant – he was born in Cardiff. A UK citizen.”

Nevertheless, Dickler and his associates maintain that it was provocation from the authorities that turned their ‘legitimate protests’ into violent confrontations. “Look, we were just defending ourselves from the extreme violence and hostility being directed at by lefties and the woke police,” he says. “Long gone are the days when you could rely upon the rozzers to get stuck in themselves, giving the darkies, muslims and left-wing pansies a bloody good kicking. Nowadays, they are all bloody ‘equal opportunities’ and ‘progressive policing’ and their traditional targets are off-limits – so they focus on us decent citizens wanting to uphold traditional British values. Is it any wonder that crime is out of control, with the streets overrun with foreigners, poofters, trannies and other degenerates? Just bring back traditional policing – that’s all we want! None of this ‘two-tier’ bollocks where you can do what you like as long as you aren’t white, straight or Christian! When was the last time you heard about the filth giving a good kicking to a black bastard, let alone arresting one, eh?” But it isn’t just the police that have been provoking the ‘demonstrators’, Dicler claims. “A bloke I know who was at a demo in Aldershot reckons that they had the army set on ‘em,” he declares. “But not any soldiers, oh no, apparently it was one of these new ‘woke’ and ‘inclusive’ units – The Fifth Queens and Transvestite Fusiliers, or some such. Apparently, they came at them with their trousers round their ankles shouting ‘They don’t like it up ‘em!’ – our boys were forced to flee in fear of their lives, or at least, arses. If that isn’t bloody provocation, I don’t know what is!”

For their part, the authorities have categorically denied that any army units, let alone mythical LGBTQ+ ones, had been deployed against rioters anywhere in the UK, maintaining that public disorder was a civil matter ordinarily dealt with by the police. They also denied Dickler’s allegations of ‘two tier’ policing with regard to the current unrest. “The problem is that these people are as thick as shit. They apparently can’t discern the difference between peaceful protests and riots and the way in which each is policed,” remarked a spokesperson for the Home Office. “They simply can’t seem to grasp that when you turn up somewhere just looking for a fight, then the authorities are going to treat you differently than if you turn up and protest peacefully.” Attendees at some of the counter-protests that appear, so far, to have neutralised the far-right rioters, also disagree that the police have solely targeted the right during the unrest. “Often they were rendered completely ineffective by the fact that couldn’t seem to identify who the racists actually were,” reports Jim Zuck of the anti-Nazi Alliance. “When some of their senior officers gave the order to ‘Stop the racists’, some of the rank and file officers looked confused, then started hitting themselves and their colleagues with their batons – even their dogs started biting them. They rendered completely ineffective – that’s why we had to take things into our own hands and organise these counter protests!”

But just what lies behind the mass outbreak of idiocy apparently fuelling these riots? Durkham has several theories, speculating that it is perhaps all down to fourteen years of Tory governments and the resulting reduction in educational standards. Or that it is perhaps all down to the evil influence of social media, (most specifically Twitter since it was taken over by fascist-consorting uber-idiot and techno jerk Elon Musk). “Then again, it could simply be that the UK’s gene pool has degenerated so much that all we can produce now are morons,” he muses. “In which case, we really do need all those immigrants to inject fresh genes into the pool, don’t we? Perhaps the idiots should think on that, eh?”