Archbishop’s Got Talent?

“What’s with this Archbishop of Canterbury business, has he resigned in disgrace or not? “ asks Rod Berke, editor of religious consumer magazine Which Faith?. “I mean, the geezer says he’s stepping down because of the ‘mishandling’ on his watch of child sex allegations against a priest. But he’s still bloody there, living in the Palace of Lambeth, still attending functions in an official capacity until a successor is appointed.” In the writer’s opinion, in any other organisation, the Archbishop would have been relieved of his duties and an interim Acting Archbishop appointed forthwith. “The Church of England says that the search is now on for a replacement,” he says. “But the fact that the current one is still there implies that there aren’t many takers for the job. If we’re to believe the media, most contenders wouldn’t touch the job with a barge pole, seeing it as a poisoned chalice after the circumstances of the current incumbent’s resignation.” Which begs the question, believes Berke, as to whether the C of E should try looking out of the box for a replacement. “Perhaps they should look to transfer someone in from another denomination – a liberal minded Catholic, maybe, who’d be glad to turn a blind eye to contraception and women’s reproductive rights in exchange for there being no celibacy rule for priests,” he speculates. “It could be a great opportunity for a sexually frustrated Catholic to shag without sin.”

Berke, though, suggests that the Anglican faith should go beyond looking at just their local rivals for fresh blood. “There are just so many other Christian denominations out there who like to worship ‘out-of-the-box’, if you like,” he enthuses. “They could be just what the C of E needs to reinvigorate its congregations.” Indeed, according some sources, the church has already been experimenting with the idea, apparently running ‘guest services’ with ministers from other denominations in some churches , in order to gauge the reaction of typical church-goers. “I can tell you, we were all quite surprised when we turned up for a Sunday service, only to find it presided over by this large, bald, black man, his face painted like a skull and wearing a top hat and little else,” Mrs Glenda Gavel told her local newspaper, The East Berkshire Dog Breeders Gazette, following her experience at St Fanny’s Church in Tutts Clump. “Well, his sermon was certainly lively, with lots of fiery talk about Dambala and the like – it climaxed with a group of scantily clad women performing a frenzied dance. That was so infectious that some of the congregation joined in – Elsie Esupp slipped a disc she got so involved and Major Happs-Frude is likely to need a hip replacement, they say.” But after this, the service took a darker turn when it came to the symbolic consumption of the body and blood of Christ. “I’m not sure that obtaining the blood of the saviour from the neck of a decapitated chicken will catch on,” says Gavel. “It was far too warm compared to the wine we usually get.”

There have also been reports of a C of E service being led by a minister of the Church of Satan. “That’s really not such a crazy idea as it sounds,” observes Berke. “I mean, they already have a connection to the Christian faith and a knowledge of the all the associated sacred books, mythology and lingo. Besides, let’s not forget that, Biblically speaking, Satan himself is simply an agent of The Almighty, so it would just be keeping it in the family.” The service itself, however, reportedly received a mixed reception. “Quite frankly, finding myself stripped naked and forced to participate in a wild orgy, with parishioners and occultists copulating in the pews, before being thrown across the altar and buggered senseless by a High Priest in a goat mask, as part of the Black Mass, wasn’t really what I was expecting of a Sunday service,” opined Henry Snodwell of the service he experienced at the Church of Saint Brian the Horny in Lower Frinkington. “But I can see that some might welcome it as an alternative to the usual fare around Christmas time – it does get a git boring and stale with the same old stuff about mangers, virgin births and wise men trotted out year in year out.”

Ultimately, Berke contends, the C of E should the whole hog and run a talent contest to select a new Archbishop. “A sort of ‘Britain’s Got Piety’, perhaps,” he says. “It could be open to all, with the remit being that the contestants should be putting emphasis upon being entertaining as much as on being good Christians. After all, the C of E really needs to start finding ways of getting congregations back on pews.” Berke is confident that there are a many religious-themed acts that could make for a left-field appointment as Archbishop of Canterbury. “There’s that stripping lady ‘vicar’ on the club circuit, for instance, who juggles Bibles and delivers a sermon as she gets her kit off – the dog collar comes off last, of course – she could give the Church the sort of radical new image it needs, I’m sure.” He also highlights an entertainer who, dressed as a Bishop, throws crucifixes at his assistant, as if they were knives. “It’s a bloody fantastic act – the assistant wears a nun’s wimple with suspenders and fishnets,” he says. “She stands against a backdrop painted with a huge crucifix and the ones he throws hit close to her hands and feet, like the crucifixion itself. When the last one lands, narrowly missing her side, she ascends, on wires, as organ music blasts out and a chorus sings ‘Hallelujah’. Just imagine what he could do as Archbishop!”

The writer believes that, if nothing else, such a contest could generate considerable positive publicity for the Church of England. “For one thing, they could have a panel of celebrity judges, chaired, obviously, by King Charles in his capacity as the head of the Church of England,” he says. “If that doesn’t grab the public’s attention, I don’t know what will. Besides, if televised, this contest could also prove to be a nice little earner for the C of E, generating plenty of cash for the church roof repair fund.” Whether the C of E will take up Berke’s suggestion remains to be seen, some representatives of other denominations have expressed a lack of sympathy for the position the church finds itself in. “This whole situation just underlines how prissy and up themselves the C of E are – choir boys getting’ felt up happens all the time in the Roman Catholic church, but nobody ever resigns or gets sacked,” declares Brendan O’Fugh, Catholic Bishop of West Cork. “In fact, they are usually promoted. We take a much more enlightened view of such things – it’s character formin’ and helps prepare ‘em for the wickedness of the real world and all the perverts who reside there.”