“Oh come on, I’m sure that I wasn’t alone in secretly sniggering at some celebrities having lost their houses in the recent California wildfires,” declares top showbiz reporter Rick Wedge. “Particularly Mel Gibson. Because, you know, if I was as religious and God fearing as he claims to be, then I might just decide that having my house burn down while I’m on some bald idiot’s podcast spewing forth yet more of my crazy ideology represents some kind of judgement from God.” Wedge’s comments, made recently in his regular column in The Shite, have inevitably resulted in a backlash from the celebrity community, with several top celebrities already having reportedly pulled out of interviews with the journalist. His focus on Mel Gibson, recently appointed as an ‘Ambassador’ to Hollywood by incoming President Trump, has drawn particular ire from industry conservatives. “It’s outrageous to suggest such a thing,” splutters Dean Crockfoot, the former juvenile star of nineties sitcom Chokin’ the Chicken and more recently the star of a number of direct-to-streaming low-budget war and action movies, including Torrid in Tobruk and Sizzling in Saigon, who has also been a vocal supporter of Trump. “Mel is a truly pious man who has been persecuted by liberal Hollywood for his traditional, conservative views about women and morality. Believe me, he’s in good with the Almighty, who is, himself, in good with President Trump!”
Wedge remain unrepentant in his views, arguing that, for true believers, there surely can’t be any other explanation for the loss of Gibson’s home. “Maybe, just maybe, he’s trying to tell Mel that he should dial back on some of his apparent beliefs – less of the racism, anti-Semitism and sexism, perhaps,” he contends. “Less banging the drum for Trump and crazy right-wing politics, too, maybe. Because what other conclusions could the truly righteous draw from such a calamity?” Some in the religious community have chimed in to support Wedge’s views, pointing out that those who shout loudest about their supposed righteousness are often the worst sinners. “The likes of Gibson, who like to get on their high horses about religion and morality always seem tone deaf to these things.” opines Dr Wayne Fettler, Dean of Divinity at Harlesden College of Needlework and Textile Studies. “It isn’t that they don’t believe in divine retribution, it is just that they seem to think that are so tuned in to what God really thinks that it won’t happen to them. Just to other people. Like those gays, when they got struck down by AIDS in the eighties and nineties. (Not that I’m saying that homophobia is one of Mel’s particular prejudices, he’s too busy disapproving of other groups to have time for the gays). Or people who lose their homes to floods, hurricanes and tornadoes elsewhere in the US, (particularly if they are in states that voted Democrat).”
Indeed, Dean Crockfoot has already been claiming that the California fires might indeed represent a divine judgement – but not against Mel Gibson. “Everybody knows that California- and particularly Hollywood – is a nest of hard left liberal Satanists intent upon undermining America’s moral values,” says the actor, also known for his appearance in the erotic thriller Rear Entry. “This is clearly God’s judgement on these sodomites and perverts – a sign to them that, with his Chosen One, Donald Trump, back in the White House, the time for a reckoning is at hand.” Wedge is unconvinced by such claims. “The problem is that it doesn’t explain why Gibson’s house burned down like those of the alleged sinners,” he points out. “I mean, is he saying that it was just collateral damage? Surely if God is omnipotent and all powerful, he would have spared the houses of the truly righteous? Surely, the sight of Gibson’s house still standing while the rest were just ashes would have provided a potent image of his piousness?”
Dr Fettler agrees. Pointing out that, so far, Crockfoot has been an outlier in conservative commentary upon the fires. “Rather than invoking the Almighty as an explanation for the fires, which would also require an explanation for why their ally Mel Gibson suffered the loss of his house along with the sinners, they are trying to advance more human agencies as the culprits,” he says. “Usually highlighting the fact that California is, politically, a Democrat stronghold and blaming local politicians for supposed cuts to fire services and the like.” Wedge has continued on this theme, developing it further. “That’s the thing, when calamity hits the likes of Mel Gibson, well, it has to be someone’s fault, rather than divine judgement,” the columnist muses. “Most specifically, in the matter of Mel’s house burning down, then it must be the fault of the (Democratic) Governor of California. Clearly he’s been getting those ‘Jewish space lasers’ that raving lunatic and Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Green believes in, to target the properties of God fearing , red blooded, real (but Australian born) Americans like Mel Gibson. Although he apparently missed fellow right wing crackpot James Woods’ house, despite initial reports that it had burned down, which had me dancing with glee.”
Wedge has, more recently, sought to clarify his views on celebrities having their houses burned down, denying that he thinks that they are all victims of divine retribution due to their political views. “It’s just that I find it hard to feel that sympathetic to people who probably have several other luxury homes across the US and probably internationally and are wealthy enough to eventually rebuild their California homes.” he says. “Look, I’m sure that it is terribly traumatic for them. But I’m sure that it is far more traumatic, not to mention catastrophic, for the large numbers of regular people who have lost their homes and belongings, who simply aren’t being mentioned because the coverage of the wildfires has focused on those celebrities who have had their houses burned down.” With regard to divine intervention, he concedes that there could be other explanations for the loss of so many celebrity homes. “So, obviously, all these wealthy celebrities’ houses burning down couldn’t possibly be divine judgement, if not for the vile and hateful opinions espoused by some, then for their embracing of Mammon,” he says. “Quite ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as the idea that it might have had something to do with climate change. No. It’s definitely the Jewish space lasers.”
