Liaison Diabolical

Welcome to our semi-regular feature – Ask the Rev – where leading paranormal expert and ordained priest (in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist) Reverend Leonard Fanny addresses our readers’ supernatural personal problems. This time the Rev’s expertise is required in a case of a ‘Liaison Diabolical’.

Dear Reverend,

Like most Britons, I’ve found myself suffering throughout this current heat wave, with even the mildest of exertions turning one into a sticky, sweaty and exhausted wreck. In particular, I have found that sex in a heatwave can be problematic, as I’ve found any especially energetic love making activity can easily result in heat exhaustion. This has recently become even more of a problem since I commenced a full on sexual relationship with a devil. In exchange for my immortal soul, the demon has agreed to provide me, for all eternity, with the most incredible sex imaginable – every session guaranteed to culminate with multiple climaxes. The sex has, indeed, been brilliant, but being from the depths of Hell, my diabolical lover obviously likes to keep things hot, with flames erupting all around us as the little devil gets down to it. While these flames, being of supernatural origin, never actually cause damage to our love-making venues, when combined with the present heat wave, they do, however, leave me severely dehydrated and suffering from sunburn and heat stroke after every session. My fear is that, while this earthly heat wave will undoubtedly soon end, once I depart this mortal coil and my deal with the devil is enacted, I’ll find myself in the fires of Hell for all eternity – how will I be able to endure such infernal heat and continue my relationship with my demon lover? Judging by my earthly experience, I simply won’t be able to endure the rigours of love-making in such an environment.

So, as a man of the cloth, whose knowledge of these matters is undoubtedly greater than mine, what do you advise I should do? Is it too late to renege upon my diabolical pact and give myself over to your lot? If I did, would you still allow me to continue my sex sessions with the devil, (on the strict understanding that they are now merely casual hook ups implying no commitment on either side)? Or should I simply try to increase my stamina for love making in extreme heat here and now, by masturbating vigourously in a sauna, for instance? Would such material stamina transfer to my spiritual self when I descend to Hell? I really am desperate for help with regard to this issue – I don’t mind consigning my immortal soul to eternal damnation, but I am concerned as to the viability of my eternal sex life. Any advice would be welcome.

Miss Jones

Devil’s End

The Rev Replies: Well, what can I say? My immediate reaction to your problem was to throw yourself upon the mercy of God, confessing your sins and subjecting yourself to a thorough exorcism in the hope that this will free you from the chains of evil. I mean, what on earth were you thinking of by getting involved in this devilish sex for souls scam in the first place? Because, believe me, it is a scam. The chances of this demon making good and actually continuing a sexual relationship with you in the pits of Hell are minimal. At best, the beast will spend several millennia prodding your genitals with a pitchfork, telling you that it is some kind of S&M foreplay. But, trust me, the devil will never take it any further, keeping you in eternal, unsatisfied, expectation. Really, you would be far better off embracing the love of God – the sex, both here on earth and in heaven, is much better. Indeed, once your soul ascends, our angels can guarantee to take you to paradise in every way imaginable.

You do raise some interesting questions, of course, as to the continuity of physical attributes into the world of spirituality. With the soul not being a corporeal entity, there is no guarantee that any resistance to heat you build up in life will be carried over into the afterlife. Or, indeed, that spiritual sex would be anything like physical sex, thereby making your demon lover’s promises worthless. The good news here is that, just as the devil’s promises of sexual ecstasy beyond the grave are worthless, so probably is the whole contract you signed. To be absolutely sure, I would strongly advise that you attend one of the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist’s walk-in exorcism-while-you-wait centres in order that one of our operatives attempt to shag the devil out of you. This is free service, although a voluntary contribution to cover the costs of Holy lube and blessed condoms would be welcomed.

The Rev will be back soon to give more advice on your paranormal problems. So, if your sex life is a hump in the night or you find yourself nocturnally plagued by the attentions of a spectral groper, drop us a line.

(The Rev is also available for weddings, christenings and exorcisms, the latter only on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons).