Trump’s Sex Files

Just what is President Trump’s motivation for declaring that his administration is to release all government files pertaining to aliens and UFOs? Is it just another attempt to distract attention away from the Epstein files? “It’s distraction all right, but not in the way that most people think,” opines veteran commentator on politics and the paranormal Vernon Trixton. “I’m sure that Trump is banking on there being, amongst these ‘Alien Files’, documents, better still photos, implicating previous presidents, preferably Democrats, in having sexual relations with underage aliens!” Indeed, these hypothetical aliens wouldn’t even have to be underage, Trixton argues. “Quite apart from the fact that we have no idea what ‘underage’ would mean in alien terms is anybody’s guess – if, for instance, they had average lifespans of five hundred of our years, then maybe shagging a forty year old alien would constitute peadophilia), as they aren’t human, then perhaps having relations with even an adult alien might, under existing law, constitute bestiality,” he muses. “Who knows?  There could actually turn out to be nothing at all in the files, apart from the usual blurry photos of frisbees and sexual fantasies passed off as alien abductions. But whatever the case, if there were something that sensational, it would completely block the Epstein files from the public consciousness. Which is why Trump is willing to take the gamble.”

According to Trixton, there have long been rumours of the existence of compromising pictures and videos of senior US officials engaging in intimate relations with creatures not of this earth. “Only recently there was a lot of completely unsourced online chatter about there being a photograph of Joe Biden, enjoying an alien anal probe, with a six fingered humanoid being inserting a long, multi-jointed, finger into the President’s ass,” reveals the researcher. “Although there was also much speculation that, far from being anything sexual, this was Biden receiving advanced alien medical treatment for his prostrate cancer. Which, in itself, would be just as sensational, if true.” Other rumours of presidential misconduct with aliens are even more bizarre. “There was a persistent story about Jimmy Carter being pleasured in every orifice by a multi-penised alien with genitalia like tentacles in the Oval Office in 1978,” recalls Trixton. “Allegedly, this alien was taken to the White House in secret to meet the then president, with the military and senior administration officials under the impression that it was some kind of interstellar ambassador. But it turned out to be an alien sex offender who has escaped space jail and fled to the earth. The creature, overcome by its unnatural alien urges, attacked President Carter, attempting to rape him. So although, technically, he had had sex with an alien, it wasn’t consensual on his part.” The alien was subsequently pulled off from Carter and filled full of lead by Secret Service bodyguards.

Inevitably, most of the rumours about presidential-alien sex involve Bill Clinton. “There are plenty of stories about his unnatural levels of interest in Area 51 and the numbers of visits he supposedly made there,” says Trixton. “According to the testimony of one former US Air Force NCO who claimed to have been a guard at Area 51, there was a special secure suite there, where Clinton engaged in various bizarre sexual acts with captured aliens. He supposedly even sometimes wore a space suit with special extensions to get it on with non-oxygen breathing aliens in special chambers full of their own atmospheres.” While there is absolutely no evidence to substantiate these claims, Trixton concedes that, of all past presidents, Clinton is the most believable candidate to have engaged in such extraordinary human-alien relations. “His more conventional sexploits are well documented and celebrated,” he notes. “It’s an easy assumption to make that, having shagged every available earthly female, Clinton’s insatiable appetites might motivate him to seek out more exotic pleasures.”

Other UFOlogy experts, however, suspect that releasing the so-called ‘alien files’ could prove as risky to Trump as has been the release of the Epstein files. “There’s a very real risk that Trump himself could turn up in the files – I mean, what’s the betting that Epstein had some kind of deal going with aliens in order to furnish him with an ‘Epstein Planet’ where all human – not to mention alien – depravities could be indulged,”  speculates top alien expert Aldous Pring. “Maybe the aliens were shapeshifters, even, able to take the form of thirteen year old girls, so that sex with them, technically, wouldn’t be illegal as they were actually adults, not to mention not human. In which case, Trump could be at serious risk of being hoist by his own petard.” But there are those who think that Trump is playing a far more complex game. “I know people like to think he’s crazy or senile, but, in truth, Trump is a wily old fox playing a cunning ruse here,” claims British conspiracy theorist Tim Bockler. “As president, Trump would obviously know that Roswell, Area 51, alien abductions and the like are all utter bollocks and there are no files to back any of it up, but by calling for their disclosure, he’s trying to deflect attention from the fact that, somewhere in the Epstein files, there is evidence of him shagging not underage girls, but aliens! It’s all a double bluff!”

According to Bockler’s thesis, there might really be a super-secret US government establishment where captured aliens are kept for study, (with Area 51 simply being a disinformation operation to distract the conspiracy nutters), and there is video footage of Trump raping an unconsenting alien. “Because, if he really is the colossal and degenerate pervert that he is claimed to be, then you can guarantee that, if he ever heard of the existence of a real live captive alien, he’d want to have sex with it,” says the conspiracist.  “Maybe he’d see it as the ultimate, out-of-this-world shag that only the presidency could buy. Plus, he probably couldn’t bear to think that Bill Clinton had done it and he hadn’t!” If such footage did exist, then it could be guaranteed that billionaire sex offender Epstein would have gotten his hands on it to use for the purposes of blackmailing the Trump administration into protecting him, argues Bockler.  “Which was doubtless why he had to be murdered while he was in prison,” he ponders.  “So maybe this alien file release is really a distraction within a distraction within a diversion.”