Deportation DeLuxe

Have recent revelations about soon to be ex Homeland Security head Kristi Noem’s travel arrangements thrown light on a radical new development in US immigration policy? Earlier this year it was revealed that a leased luxury jet used to ferry Noem, around is to be bought outright and used for deportation flights, creating speculation that this could be part of a whole new approach to illegal immigration: deportation de luxe. Democrats have, naturally, tried to present the acquisition of the jet as another example of the Trump administration’s profligacy and corruption. “Sure, the deportation angle might be the administration’s justification for spending $70 million on a private Boeing 737.,” comments Democrat Senator Haldane Berke. “But of course, they still admit that it will still be used as an executive transport when it isn’t shuttling deportees around, which I’m sure will be very rarely!” But Trump apologists on the right have been quick to to respond to Berke’s comments, claiming that the purchase of the jet is, indeed, the first stage in implementing a new, more humane, deportation policy, allowing alleged immigrants to be flown out of the US in style.

“Look, it’s all perfectly logical,” declares Republican Representative Gilroy Jenkers. “Because, after all, surely that’s the reason that all these illegals the president wants to kick out of the US sneaked in there in the first place – they came from what President Trump himself described as ‘shit holes’.  Which, naturally, is why they are reluctant to be deported. So why not incentivise deportation?  Guarantee them that, at the very least, they’ll get a few hours of executive travel experience on the jet taking them back?  Lay on the booze, the gourmet food and the girls for their return trip.  They’ll be queuing up to get on that 737, believe me!” Others on the right have subsequently taken the idea a step further. “The fact is that it’s a brilliant idea, persuading illegals that they are themselves in control of the decision to be deported, but we’re proposing that it is in the US’ interest to further incentivise them to leave of their own free will,” explains Delbert Manstrom, of the far right ‘Project White is Right’ pressure group. “Don’t just promise them a luxury ride back home – why not also promise a luxury home to return to? That could be the solution to the whole immigration business.”

The ‘Project’ is proposing that the Trump Corporation could start buying land in those countries it is sending most of the immigrants back to and build luxury condominiums there to house the returning deportees.  These could be part of huge luxury resorts, which would also provide work for those same deportees.  “You could see it as building upon Trump’s initiative for redeveloping Gaza, once the Israelis have cleared out all of those Palestinians,” muses Manstrom. “Indeed, perhaps this could be incorporated into Trump’s peace plan for Gaza: kicking out the Palestinians, levelling the place and building a deportee paradise to take those illegals we can’t send anywhere else?” Manstrom points out that there is a precedent for the US resettling former residents in an overseas territory. “Let’s not forget that, way back when, we established a homeland for freed slaves in Africa, which became Liberia,” he says.  “Well, why shouldn’t we be able to do the same now?  Create a luxury free homeland for the deported in some part of the developing world?”

The lobbyist, however, is keen to emphasise that this sort of strategy should only be a ‘Plan B’, if the immigrants’ countries of origin prove resistant to the ‘deportation de luxe’ policy. “There might be some resistance from the countries involved, but these resorts and condos could easily be presented as investments in their economies, providing them with a welcome financial boost,” Manstrom believes. “There might also be some domestic resistance, particularly from the right, to the idea of US money being used on capital projects in foreign countries, but this can all be presented as a private-public finance initiative, with the Trump Corporation spearheading international private finance contributions to the projects. The domestic savings could also be highlighted – think of the money we could save by not having to send thousands of ICE guys into US cities if we can get the illegals to leave of their own volition! Moreover, if you are sending immigrants off to a life of luxury, then that should undercut any domestic protests about the issue from the left.  I mean, who could possibly object to the idea of, quite literally, sending them to a better place?”

Democrats remain sceptical of these proposals, questioning their logic. “Their thesis seems to be that as nobody would want to swap the luxury lifestyle provided by a low-paid, exploitative and undocumented job with no health benefits or pension in the US for a life of abject poverty and political repression in some ‘shit hole’, we should instead provide them with that luxury lifestyle – at US expense – elsewhere,” opines Senator Berke. “At a higher standard of living than either their undocumented US jobs would allow or, indeed, than that enjoyed by most legal US citizens thanks to this administration’s disastrous economic policies!” As far as Berke is concerned, the fact that these policies are even being mooted is evidence of the failure of the administration’s current immigration policies. “Basically, they are admitting that their current policy of forcing immigrants out by turning the US into a ‘shit hole’ to rival those that they have come from,” says the Senator. “So, instead, we have to incentivise deportation.” Berke also foresees long-term problems with the proposed policies. “Frankly, if we were to start financing and building these luxury deportee havens, then I can’t help but fear that we’ll start seeing people from developed countries getting on small boats and trying to illegally enter them,” he ponders. “I mean, it wouldn’t just be for economic reasons – the way that things are going here in the US under Trump, I can see people going to these places in search of the political freedoms they’ve lost at home. Before you know it, these places will be trying to deport people back to us!”