The Sacred Art of Sex and Terror

Is a legendary ancient text behind much of the current turmoil in the Middle East? According to experts the ‘Hamasutra’, a sacred text long thought lost, has informed recent terror attacks by both Palestinians and Iranians. But just what is the ‘Hamasutra’?  “It is one of the most sacred texts of Middle Eastern terror organisations,” explains Professor Neil Framkirk of the East Bracknell School of Oriental Studies. “So influential has the text been historically that one of the leading Palestinian paramilitaries, Hamas, is named for it.” Like the similar sounding ‘Kamasutra’, the ‘Hamasutra’ is concerned with the arts of love and sex.  “To be precise, it is a guide to the best way to combine violent terrorism with sex,” says Framkirk.  “Which is undoubtedly why it isn’t better known in the West – I mean, a text which advises people on how best to get off while killing Jews (the most likely targets of Palestinian terrorism) would be sure to be suppressed by the Israeli government.” Indeed, the academic claims that during the Israeli takeover of the Palestine in the late nineteen forties, they went to great lengths to locate and destroy every known copy of the ‘Hamasutra’. “The fact that they were prepared to take time off from murdering British soldiers to do this, just shows how important they thought that it was,” he notes. “Nevertheless, despite having thought that they had successfully seized and destroyed every known copy of the ‘Hamasutra’ since the creation of Israel, a couple of years ago they’ got word that surviving copies had surfaced in Gaza and had inspired the devastating October 2023 attacks on Israel by Hamas terrorists. Consequently, the Israeli government decided that the only response to the attacks would be to invade Gaza and tear it apart in search of these texts!”

But just what are the practicalities of the philosophy of sexual fulfilment through violent terrorism espoused by the ‘Hamasutra’?  There have been claims that, at its simplest, it involves jerking off whilst gunning down some victims. “We have plenty of eyewitness accounts of Palestinian filth pleasuring themselves on 7th October after massacring innocent women and children,” declares former Israeli Defence Force (IDF) officer Ben Kleinster, currently a lecturer at the Slough College of Peace Studies. “It was clear that these animals were getting off on the violence and destruction they had caused. The fact that they would be guided by such a blasphemous text as the ‘Hamasutra’ simply undermines their total moral degeneracy! Trust me, putting them down like the sick perverted dogs they are was the only solution!” US sources, by contrast, have claimed that the ‘Hamasutra’ is linked to suicide bombing, most specifically, the use of the human body itself as an explosive device, triggered by the act of sexual intercourse. “It’s all about the friction as they get at it,” claims former US Ranger Lt Col (Ret’d) Hank ‘Mad Cow’ Hergstetter, who was supposedly once part of a US investigative team looking into the sacred texts. “It starts a chain reaction, a bit like spontaneous combustion, which eventually sees both participants blow up. We’ve evidence of several hotels being destroyed this way – they just book in, tear their clothes off and go at, hammer and tongs! The secret of the technique is to synchronise their orgasms so as to climax simultaneously, ensuring that their sexual ecstasy will be combined with the glorious destruction of the infidel!”

Others, however, have argued that the teachings of the ‘Hamasutra’ are actually somewhat more subtle. “It is all about the harmonisation of the conflicting bodily urges for violence and sex,” argues noted yogic master and expert on Eastern philosophy Bill Tronk, Chief Sensei of the Eastbourne Yoga and Massage Institute. “The whole nonsense about suicide bombings through sex, for instance, is a complete misinterpretation of the sacred text’s teachings on how the mindful and sensuous terrorist should be timing their lovemaking to coincide with the detonation of the bomb that they had made and planted on a bus, or in a school.”  (With the text also providing advice to book a hotel room as close to the detonation point as possible so that you don’t just get the thrill of hearing it as you reach a climax, but also feeling the shockwaves vibrate through your bodies).  “The more advanced teachings of the ‘Hamasutra’ to, it is true, instruct on being able to carry out an assassination whilst having sex.  The art of being able to sight a sniper rifle on a target while in the ‘sixty nine’ position, for instance.  Or firing a rocket launcher while being ‘pegged’,” says Tronk.  “I mean, that would require some incredible calmness techniques in order to keep your aim steady while being porked up the chutney.”

One expert, though, contends that all of these explanations mischaracterise the true nature of the ‘Hamasutra’. “The problem is that they are all based upon second hand accounts of the actual text itself,” opines Tran Buscopan of the Leyton Centre for Meditation. “It has to bead in the original Sanskrit in order to fully understand its sacred teachings.” The actual physical sex act isn’t the focus of the ‘Hamasutra’, believes Buscopan, but instead the sacred text is about training oneself mentally and physically to be able to develop a physical sexual response to committing an act of violent terror.  “If one follows the actual teachings of the text, it might be that Just the pulling of that trigger or the setting off of that bomb would induce an orgasmic experience taking the terrorist to heights of sexual ecstasy unknown to the non-violent,” he explains.  “Moreover, thanks to the discipline that the text teaches, the only sign that the terrorist is experiencing such sexual highs would be a slight curling of the lip, or maybe even just a slow blink.”

Whatever the truth of the ‘Hamasutra’, the ancient text has once again become relevant, with claims that it lies behind the Trump administration’s recent military attacks upon Iran. “According to our intel, despite reports that Israel had located and destroyed all remaining copes of the text during the war in Gaza, another version of the text, this time in Farsi, recently turned up in Tehran,” says Hank Hergstetter. “It is believed that this version of the ‘Hamasutra’ was being used to train a whole new generation of Iranian terrorists, Hell-bent on attacking America, the ‘Great Satan’! So, clearly, the US and Israel had no choice but to launch their offensive. It was rumoured that, thanks to the text’s endorsement of sex, as long as it was being used for the purposes of terror, there has been no shortage of volunteers for such training amongst the sexually repressed Iranian population. “The opportunity to be able to practice decadent sex with fear of being arrested and tortured by the Morality Police was too good for those Iranian kids to pass up,” says the former Ranger. “That’s why the ‘Hamasutra’ is so damn dangerous – it can be used to seduce the horny-but-not-getting-any youth into a life of Fundamentalist Islamic terror! clearly, every copy of the ‘Hamasutra’ must be seized and burned!”