Stop the Saucers!

Are flying saucers the new ‘small boats’ in the fight against illegal immigration to the UK? That’s the idea being put forward by top conspiracy theorist and UFO expert Jim Klinchinger. “Why else do they keep coming here, yet never make contact with the authorities?” asks the UFOlogist, as he stands in a Wiltshire field, while a group of his colleagues examine a trio of scorch marks on the ground. “I’ll tell you why – they are sneaking in here under our radar and air defences, making clandestine landings to drop off hordes of intergalactic immigrants, then scarpering before anyone realises what has happened!” Klinchinger believes that the burn marks in the field are the latest evidence of such an incursion. “According to our local sources, they appeared overnight – there has also been talk of strange lights being seen in the field around the same time,” he explains. “We’re pretty sure that they dropped off a load of illegal aliens here, who then vanished into the night. Right now we’re looking for any evidence that might tell us how many there were and which direction they went in – there’s been talk in one of the nearby villages of a Transit van without lights being seen speeding away from this area last night.” According to The Sleaze’s own enquiries, however, indicate that locals believe that the scorch marks were the results of fires lit by local youths partying in the field and that the Transit van belongs to one of them. They also opined that Klinchinger’s ‘local sources’ were probably ‘some bloke down the pub’.

Klinchinger’s claims have been met with ridicule from the political establishment. “Even if these UFOs were able to slip into the UK undetected, I think that we’d notice hordes of illegal aliens wandering around,” chortles Tory backbencher Giles Fortingham-Burke. “I mean, at least the ones who cross the Channel in rubber boats look like us, even if they are a bit on the dark side and speak gibberish, so they can blend in, but I think we’d notice if there were loads of green-skinned, two headed slimy things taking our jobs, claiming our benefits and molesting our women! They’d stand out like a sore thumb.” But Klinchinger has hit back, claiming that the illegal aliens he believes are coming to earth in their droves are disguised as humans and are indistinguishable from the rest of the population. “Some of them wear incredibly sophisticated human suits, but are really giant insectoid creatures, while others are shapeshifters who can look like anyone – for all we know, they could be eliminating and replacing real UK citizens,” he enthuses. “Besides, we all know from numerous films and TV shows that many aliens look just like us anyway – well, except maybe for abnormally high foreheads or strange ears.”

In an article in the latest edition of the Southern Counties UFO Digest, Klinchinger elaborated upon his claims, postulating that crop circles were actually a navigational aid for illegal alien smuggling flying saucers. “They are created by the aliens who are already established here,” he wrote in the article. “They’re like those secret symbols that tramps leave on pavements, guiding all the other derelicts to the best places to beg or doss.” As for why significant numbers of aliens would want to enter the UK illegally, Klinchinger thinks that the answer is obvious. “It is significant that most crop circles have appeared in the south of England – the most prosperous part of the UK with the greatest opportunities for mugging and burglarising affluent citizens,” he opines in the Digest. “Not to mention the best appointed doss houses and public housing available to immigrants and single mothers! They are also far softer on benefits claimants in the south, there are more jobs to steal and more attractive women to sexually assault. All stuff that, presumably, they can’t get on their home planets.” Writing in the West London Flying Saucer Review, rival UFO expert Zephraim Carkstadder has suggested that the alien immigrants might be more than just off-world scroungers looking to exploit British hospitality. “They could be refugees from some sort of inter-galactic war, fleeing the oppressive regime of some evil, world-destroying, overlord,” he muses. “While, on the one hand, the humanitarian thing to do would be to offer them sanctuary, on the other, there’s a danger that their presence here might bring the evil oppressor they are fleeing to our own planet. In which case, we should be hunting them down and blasting them into space!”

Carkstadder also put forward a more sinister scenario: that the earth is being used as the alien equivalent to Rwanda – a place to which aliens unwelcome on any other planet are dumped. “They could be doing to us what Suella Braverman wants to do to Rwanda,” he contends. “But worse. The rest of the galaxy could be dumping every undesirable alien scumbag on our planet and most specifically in the UK! It’s a terrifying prospect!” Indeed, Carkstadder speculates in his article that the increase in global unrest – terrorism, international crime, violence, even Russia’s invasion of Ukraine – could be the result of the earth having the alien bastards dumped here stirring up trouble. But others in the world of UFOlogy contend that Klinchinger and Carkstadder have both got it wrong. “The aliens aren’t dropping off immigrants, they are picking them up at the behest of our government and whisking them off to some inter-planetary ‘Rwanda’ to be ‘processed’,” claims Simon Swackert on his You Tube channel, pointing to recent reports of high-level collusion between aliens and various earth governments as evidence. “It is quite obvious that, with their plans to ship immigrants off to Rwanda in tatters, the government has cut a secret deal to have them taken away by aliens, instead. When they say ‘processed’, it probably means that they end up mulched for food, enslaved or used for experiments.”

But even this narrative has been rejected in some quarters, with sceptics rejecting the idea of illegal alien immigrants being dropped off by flying saucers altogether. “These claims really are quite ridiculous and completely without foundation,” declares Jeremiah Dipplowe MP, a leading member of the House of commons Parliamentary Committee on Unidentified Aerial Phenomena. “It is simply not true that significant numbers of illegal aliens are being transported to the UK by spaceships. The fact is that the people being dropped off here are human beings that the aliens have abducted from other parts of the globe, experimented on, then couldn’t be arsed to return to their point of origin!” The MP, currently sitting as an independent, believes, though, that some of those being dropped off might not be unwilling passengers on the flying saucers. “There is evidence that gangs of people smugglers might have dome a deal with them,” he asserts. “Whereby they round up groups of refugees and migrants and charge them for the privilege of being abducted, on the promise that they will be dropped off in the UK!” Dipplowe was recently stripped of the Conservative whip following his claims that the Covid vaccine was an LGBTQ+ plot and could turn men gay or even cause them to change gender.