The Illusion of Politics

A top British think-tank believes that it has come up with an answer to the threat posed by the apparent rising popularity of extreme right-wing parties like Reform UK and politicians like its leader Nigel Farage. “In order to guard against these sorts of lunatics from actually gaining power, we clearly have to ensure that the votes cast for them are ‘neutralised’, so to speak. Not ignored, as that would be undemocratic, but instead diverted into a parallel ballot held at the same time as the real general election,” declares Andy Foundler of the Safe Democracy Foundation. “The result will be that those voting for extremists like Reform UK, the whatever-fuck-it-is -called Corbyn/Sultana party and the likes of Jeremy Clarkson, (should he carry through his threat to stand against Ed Milliband, although he won’t, as he’s all piss and vinegar), are actually part of a ‘shadow election’, which elects a ‘shadow parliament’.” Extraordinarily, the Safe Democracy Foundation suggests, in its recently published new consultation document, suggests that this make believe parliament, which would be housed in a replica of the real parliament, could elect whoever it liked as Prime Minister and could carry on as if it was actually running the country when, in fact, it would all be fake.  “After all, the likes of Farage are only really in politics because of their egos,” says Foundler. “Despite all evidence to the contrary, they actually believe that they somehow have the intelligence and know how to run the country.  They want that feeling of power which will further boost their already over-inflated egos.  So why not let them think that they are?  That they have completely banished the moderates are in sole charge?”

Even more bizarrely, the Foundation suggests that the fakery be taken a stage further. “Along with a fake House of Commons, we could have a fake Downing Street and a series of fake TV news broadcasts chronicling their ‘triumphs’,”  enthuses Foundler. “Whole state visits and meetings with foreign leaders could be faked for them, with actors playing the likes of Trump, Macron and Putin.  Damn it, perhaps we could even let Farage think that he’s ended the Ukraine-Russia conflict.” The Safe Democracy Foundation has hit back at allegations that its proposals are in any way anti-democratic, attempting to suppress the legitimate voting intentions of some sections of the electorate. “Sure, some people will be saying right now, ‘isn’t this some kind of subversion of the democratic process?’ Well, technically, yes, I suppose,.” explains Foundler. “But look, what we’re proposing has to be seen as a protection mechanism, in order to preserve democracy in the longer term. It’s like Lincoln said during the American Civil War – sometimes, in order to protect the constitution, you have to break the constitution. So it is with British democracy  which, right now, in endangering its own existence by allowing the possibility of electing those who are deeply undemocratic.”

Foundler is adamant that the Foundation’s proposals would only ever be employed as an emergency measure. “All that we are saying is that, right now, the UK is in a place of danger, with the rise of these populist extremists playing on the electorate’s fears about immigration, globalisation and the like,” says Foundler. “But the fact is that if these people were to be allowed to hold power for real thanks to the ignorance of the UK electorate, then the whole democratic system would be at dire risk. I mean, just look at what is happening in the US after they insanely allowed Trump back into the White House.  Once the threat of their electoral popularity has passed, the fake parliament and the system supporting it can be abolished.” Not surprisingly, the Foundation’s proposals have beet met with a combination of hostility and derision, with many focusing on the enormous costs that would be incurred by building exact replicas of the House of Parliament and Downing Street. “What are they planning to do with this whole fake parliament and government after five years?  How are they planning to recoup the costs of building them? What if people still voted for the extremists after five years? Run the scam again, even though it would be costly to do it once, let alone multiple times?” asks Labour backbencher Dick Skiddler. “Besides, wouldn’t the fake MPs and government notice that there were suddenly two parliaments and Downing Streets? These Foundation people have simply not thought this scheme out properly!”

But the Foundation is sure that its plan would only have to be enacted the once. “The thing is that all of the antics of the shadow parliament will be made public, so that people will be able to see the mess that the likes of Reform would make if allowed to run the country for real,” says Foundler. “Seeing that, voters would surely be deterred from ever voting for them again in a real election.” Skiddler remains unconvinced. “Never underestimate the gullibility and short memories of the electorate,” he opines. “Just look at how often they’ve been prepared to vote against their own interests in recent times – need I mention repeatedly re-electing Thatcher, Boris Johnson or Brexit? The latter being the greatest act of self-harm in recorded history.” Skiddler, however, doesn’t think that the Foundation’s proposals are entirely without merit, but rather that their proposed execution would be impractical. “With technology rapidly advancing, an alternative would be to place all of these fake MPs into an immersive AI simulation, where the alternative parliament and government can exist in virtual reality,” muses the MP. Who has a background in the technology sector.  “Like in The Matrix films.”

He concedes that, as with the original plan, the extremists couldn’t be kept there indefinitely. “We could run the simulation to be more realistic, in that all of their policies and overall amateurish approach to politics ends, as it inevitably would in real life, in disaster, with them all losing their seats at the next simulated general election as a consequence,” he suggests.  “Then they could be released back into the real world, thinking that they had been kicked out of power and not questioning the existence of a parliament in which they don’t exist.” As with the original scheme, everything that happens in the simulation would be shared with the public, for their education. “Hopefully, it would also be an education for the extremists themselves – they’d be suitably chastised by such a (simulated) humiliation at the (simulated) ballot box,” says Skiddler. “But somehow, I doubt it.  Egos like that can’t be so easily dented.  Even by reality.”