Trumping Christmas

With barely a week to go before Christmas, the US authorities have announced that Santa Claus is to be banned from entering the US with immediate effect. “There are multiple reasons why this illegal alien who styles himself ‘Father Christmas’ is to be barred entry,” explained White House spokesperson Caroline Leavitt. “His refusal to apply the required tariffs to the stuff he has manufactured at the North Pole and illegally imports into the US every Christmas, using his sleigh to try and evade customs, for one. Clearly, he is deliberately undercutting US toy manufacturers, resulting in the unemployment of American workers.” The White House has expanded upon the latter point, accusing Santa of keeping his costs low by employing cheap immigrant labour. “You don’t think those elves are indigenous to the North Pole, do you? Santa brings them in illegally from the Third World via his sleigh,” declared President Trump himself, in response to questions from reporters, as he presided over the annual White House turkey throttling ceremony. “That’s the thing: there’s really no such thing as elves, they are all just poor bastards from shit holes like Somalia, forced to wear fake pointed ears and the like and work in Santa’s workshop all year around. It’s a disgrace and is one of the reason’s we need to seize control of Greenland and large parts of the Arctic, so that we can bring them under US jurisdiction and have ICE raid his factory and close down his operations.”

The president further expanded upon his theories about Santa and illegal immigrants, accusing the festive icon of running a people smuggling racket. “I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Santa was running a ‘people smuggling’ racket on the side, every Christmas bringing illegals who have paid him thousands of dollars, into the US hidden on his sleigh,” he opined, as he tried to fit his tiny hands around the neck of a struggling turkey in order to throttle it. “Probably wrapped in paper, disguised as presents.  That’s why, over the past few years, increasing numbers of American kids have been waking up on Christmas morning to find some dodgy-looking Mexican, Haitian or Somalian in their stockings.  It’s an outrage – Santa’s endangering US kids. Most of these bastards he’s bringing in are sex offenders. I mean, I don’t have the statistic to hand, but apparently the number of American kids raped or felt up on Christmas day has increased by fifty per cent year on year for the past five years. It’s a fact. And if it isn’t sex offenders, you can guarantee its drugs he’s bringing in – American kids dying of Fentanyl overdoses every Christmas have probably increased three hundred percent since Biden stole that election.” Mr Trump confirmed that Santa would be subject to immediate arrest and incarceration if he enters US territory this Christmas, as he was chased around the Oval Office by the irate turkey he had failed to throttle. Indeed, according some reports, the US air force has been given orders to shoot down Santa’s sleigh on sight.

Naturally, parents and children all over the US have been thrown into panic at the prospect of Santa being banned from the country. “On top of everything else, these MAGA maniacs are now proposing to ruin Christmas for American children,” declared Democrat Senator Tom ‘Chunky’ Birtwight, Chair of the Senate Turkey Carving Committee. “Christmas isn’t Christmas without Santa – are they planning to replace it with some kind of Donald Trump-centric celebration?” In fact, the administration has moved quickly to try and allay the fears of Americans by promising that they already have an all-American patriotic substitute for Santa lined up – a benevolent old man called ‘Daddy Donald Christmas’. “Oh Jesus,” sighs Birtwight. The Christmas icon guaranteed to forget whatever it was you put on your Christmas list and instead stuff your stocking full of tacky, overpriced, Trump memorabilia.  Probably made in China.” The administration, however, is confident that citizens will embrace this new Christmas icon who reflects true American values. “Yeah, sure,” observes Birtwight. “His ‘naughty and nice’ lists will doubtless be based around observance of things like whether or not you voted for Trump, or if you had posted things critical of him on social media.  Venturing dissenting opinions – like the fact that Charlie Kirk was a creepy racist with a disturbing fixation on young people, for instance – would ensure, not just being put on the ‘naughty list’ but also a one way trip to a secret Federal prison without trial and due process.”

Deputy FBI director Dan Bongino has assured Americans worried that without Santa’s ‘naughty and nice’ lists, they might not get the right presents. “Americans need not worry – we’ve gathered so much of your personal data this year that we know exactly who has been doing what,” he told a press conference. “I know that liberals like to characterise what we’ve been doing as the imposition of a ‘surveillance state’ upon the US, but without having phone calls, e-mails and social media constantly monitored, we wouldn’t be able to accurately update citizens’ status as either ‘naughty’ or ‘nice’ on a day-to-day basis.” The administration has also confirmed that the actual process of ordering presents would be outsourced to some tech giant – with Amazon and Elon Musk’s X corporation currently the leading contenders – with everything done online via a ‘Christmas Portal’.  “Presumably, the contract will go to whichever tech bro makes the most generous contribution to ‘Daddy Donald’s’ seasonal fund.” says Birtwight. “Payments for presents via credit card, debit card or PayPal only accepted.  Because let’s face it, isn’t that the missing piece of Christmas that has ruined it for many over the years: rampant capitalism? To Hell with all that ‘Goodwill to all men’ crap – the Democrats, the poor and immigrants can go screw.  Christmas should exclusively be for those who can afford it.”

Despite putting these alternative seasonal arrangements into motion, the administration has indicated that there could still be a way back for Santa. “Look, if he wants to keep operating legally in the US, Santa could always buy one of our new ‘Gold Card’ visas,” mused Trump, speaking to the press after his Secret Service guards had subdued the rampant turkey by shooting it to death. “Or maybe he could just move his toy-making operations to the US, in order to avoid tariffs legally, rather than by smuggling them in via sleigh every year.  That way, instead of poorly paid illegal immigrants, he’d be able to employ below minimum wage, non-unionised US workers.”