Ungentlemanly Behaviour

“Bloody Michael Gove – I bet he makes obscene phone calls. I mean, I don’t actually have any proof that he does, but he looks the type, doesn’t he?” says left-wing commentator Nick Swarm on his new phone in show on Nazi FM. “I mean, I know that he likes to give the impression that he iss a smooth bastard, but eventually his sort always give themselves away as the foul mouthed, unprincipled little shits and perverts that they actually are!” Swarm’s shocking claims followed reports that Gove hadn’t been ‘the usual gentleman’ and didn’t use ‘usual diplomatic language’, when meeting the European Commission Vice President, in order to tell him that, basically, the UK was going to renege on a previously agreed legal agreement. “Which begs the question of what language he did use. Did he add ‘so there!’, or ‘yah, boo, sucks to you, Johnny Foreigner’, to the end of his statement? Or did he finish by saying ‘now go fuck yourself’?” pondered the controversial Sunday Bystander columnist, who recently caused consternation by suggesting that the Last Night of the Proms be used as an opportunity to cull right-wingers by filling the Albert Hall with poison gas. “Certainly, the bit about not being ‘the usual gentleman’ would suggest the latter. Which wouldn’t be surprising. Like I said, these supposedly smooth and sophisticated types always let the mask slip and reveal themselves as complete bastards.”

To the amazement of listeners, who usually tune in to Nazi FM expecting to hear a non-stop stream of ill-informed anti-EU, anti-progessive, racially prejudiced, misogynistic, knee-jerk reactionary, right wing extremist bile, Swarm proceeded to elaborate on his theory. “He strikes me as the type who rings up housewives and tries to smooth talk them into taking their clothes off – if it doesn’t work, he probably directs a stream of foul mouthed abuse down the phone at them,” he opined. “If it does work, he probably gets them to talk dirty to him. Gove just looks the sort who would get off on that sort of thing. If he were to make obscene calls which, of course, we have no evidence of him doing. Even though I strongly suspect that he has an untraceable pay-as-you-go phone he uses for the purpose, although, again, I have no proof of it.” Swarm further speculated that Gove probably wasn’t the only member of the government who might be indulging in such behaviour. “I bet that loads of those sleazy bastards in this government do it,” he muses. “Boris Johnson – he looks the sort, as well. Mind you, if he were to make obscene phone calls, (which we have no evidence of him doing), he’d be the heavy breathing type – despite being full of bravado when he dialled the number, I reckon that he’d lose his nerve and be unable to speak.”

Tory politicians have, predictably, reacted furiously to Swarm’s allegations, although his usual sparring partner from the backbenches, right-wing Tory MP and European Research Group member Mark Porker, has remained silent, as he is currently suspended, pending an investigation into allegations that he had exposed himself to several women in Hyde Park, whilst dressed as John Bull. “It’s outrageous to suggest that the Prime Minister would ever resort to such behaviour,” roars Porker’s fellow back bencher, George Snout, “Why on earth would he have to resort to harassing women in this way, presumably for sexual thrills, when, judging by the number of children he has fathered with different women, he has to beat them off with a stick?” While conceding that the ongoing investigation into Porker might give some credence to Swarm’s speculations that the entire Tory party are sexual deviants, Snout vehemently denies that this is the case. “These allegations are quite ridiculous, why on earth would someone like Michael Gove be making obscene phone calls?” he asks. “He’s not some horrible working class oik who furtively reads pornography they’ve found in a hedgerow. Next thing, this bounder will be suggesting that Rishi Sunak is a peeping Tom, or that Dominic Raab steals underwear from his neighbour’s washing line! Utterly ridiculous!”

As it turned out, Swarm did have further allegations against senior government figures. “I think we all know that Johnson and Gove aren’t the only ones who might be up to that sort of thing,” he says. “That Dominic Cummings, for example. Now, I bet that he wouldn’t have the nerve to make an obscene phone call himself . No, he’d get Boris or Gove to do it, then listen in, as he played with himself. If he did that sort of thing, which, obviously, we have no evidence that he does. The odious little creep.” But Swarm believes that Cummings’ fetish – if he had one and we have no evidence that he does – is unlikely to be making obscene phone calls. “I’ve no doubt that voyeurism would be his thing – maybe that’s what all this bollocks about his ‘mission control’, with all those screens on the wall showing government data is all about,” says Swarm, in reference to newspaper reports about the Number Ten advisors plans for a central government control center for the co-ordination of policy. “I bet that, in reality, they’ll be showing footage from all the spy cams that he’s got the Security Service to install in people’s bedrooms. Not that I have any proof of this – or that he is a nasty little furtive perv. He just looks like one.”

Having received a record number of complaints about Swarm’s inaugural broadcast, Nazi FM controller Hubert Trotts has been forced to issue an apology. “Look, we know that this Maoist degenerate isn’t the sort you’d usually expect on our station, but you know how it is – OFCOM insist on some kind of political ‘balance’, so we thought that we’d hire a token leftie, a bit like James O’Brien on LBC,” he explained. “We never expected him to start spouting all these lies and nonsense about our beloved government! We wanted someone to attempt reasoned argument and debate before being shouted down by our rabid callers!” Swarm remains unrepentant. “For God’s sake, what did they expect? Haven’t they ever read my newspaper column?” he declares. “I just assumed that they were hiring me because they wanted a left-wing equivalent to all those neo-Nazi bile spouting hate mongers they already have on the station. Hell, just wait until they hear my next show – I’ll be revealing all about Maggie Thatcher’s EU-themed sex orgies and how she negotiated concessions from the European Commission by offering sexual favours to Jacques Delors.”