A Unified Conspiracy Theory?

Top conspiracy theorist George Hocklund’s announcement that he has reached an advanced stage in developing a ‘Unified Conspiracy Theory’ has received a mixed reaction from the world of conspiracists. “It’s the Holy Grail of the conspiracy world,” enthuses Dean Strackler, editor of Practical Conspiracies, which published Hocklund’s claims. “An overarching theory which, like the fabled ‘Unified Field Theory’ of physics, will explain every conspiracy theory, past, present and future, reconciling all of their apparent contradictions! If Hocklund can perfect his theory, then all those sceptics who have laughed at us will have to eat their words!” Others, however, are less than impressed with Hocklund’s efforts. “It’s a pipe dream. An impossibility,” declares Jake Bunk, assistant editor of My Conspiracy Monthly. “The world of conspiracy is far too disparate for all of the competing theories to be reconciled. Even if it were possible, it would strait-jacket future conspiracy theory development, with innovation being stifled by a requirement to stick to a narrow set of definitions. Besides, who would want to codify and restrict our field like this? Clearly, it’s all part of an anti-conspiracy conspiracy, probably instigated by the Bilderberg Group, the WEF or the CIA because we’re getting too close to the truth about them!”

Hocklund himself has acknowledged that creating a ‘Unified Conspiracy Theory’ that somehow incorporates and reconciles all the other major conspiracy theories has been a daunting task. “Clearly, such a theory would have to encompass  UFOs, Bigfoot, Yeti and other cryptids, ‘mysterious’ celebrity deaths, assassinations, shape shifting lizards, all the Q Anon devil worshipping child sacrificing pedo nonsense, the hollow earth, fake moon landings and much more,” he told The London Conspiracy Review.  “On the face of it, much of this apparent craziness seems contradictory – a situation which undermines the whole credibility of the conspiracy community – but I remain convinced that it should be possible to come up with an overarching theory that links together all of this stuff, from the weird phenomena to the moon landings to Elvis not being dead in a coherent manner that makes rational sense.” He concedes that many in the conspiracy community will disagree with his approach, which has meant abandoning some of the fundamentals of individual theories, such as UFOs being alien craft and things like Bigfoot and Yetis being prehistoric survivals.  Nevertheless, these elements – UFOs, humanoid cryptids – remain fundamental components of his theory.

“My first stab at this ‘unified conspiracy theory’, would see these supposed ‘apemen’ as being reincarnations of those ‘mysteriously’ slain celebrities – part of their journey of ascension to a higher level of existence,” explains Hocklund.  “Quite literally higher as they always seem to live in mountainous area.  Perhaps the altitude and thin air is needed for their transformation to their next manifestation as non-corporeal entities – the shining things we see in the sky and call UFOs.”  Released from the confines of conventional space and time, he speculates, they can travel back along the time lines and actually instigate their own deaths in order to kick-start their transformation. “Was the shooter on the grassy knoll actually a manifestation of future JFK?  Could that person who got Princess Di’s driver so drunk that he crashed actually her, but from the future?” he asks.  “Or maybe she was that ‘paparazzi car’ that supposedly chased the limo, causing it to crash?  Did future evolved John Lennon ‘possess’  Mark Chapman and guide him to shoot 1980 John Lennon?” Hocklund admits that his ‘Unified Conspiracy Theory’ is still at an early stage and that there are some strands that, so far, he has been unable to integrate, but he remains confident that he can incorporate them into future iterations of the theory.  “OK, so I still haven’t been able to work in the fake moon landings or the lizards,” he muses. “But just give me time…”

Hocklund’s efforts to effectively codify conspiracy theories via a unified theory comes against a background of turbulence and unrest within the community, with some of its basic tenets being questioned. “According to some newspaper reports, many UFO reports were actually disinformation put out by the US government in order to distract attention from various secret aircraft development programmes,” says Dean Strackler. “Like the ones that go on at the so called ‘Area 51’.  Obviously, this is just another government conspiracy to cover up the truth, but it has enough of an air of plausibility about it to make some people, even those within the community, to start questioning the accepted conspiracy narrative.” Moreover, according to both Strackler and Jake Bunk, the increasing bizarreness and sheer multitude of conspiracy theories is threatening to bring the whole field into disrepute. “Only recently, we’ve had self-styled former MoD ‘UFO expert’ Nick Pope bemoaning the fact that the whole of UFOlogy is being brought into disrepute by all those nuts claiming to talk to aliens and the like, who are turning it into a quasi-religious cult,” says Bunk. “Although I can’t help but feel that he is trying to shut that stable door just a little too late. At least fifty years too late.”

Bunk opines that once UFOlogy went mainstream, thanks to TV series like The Invaders and films like Close Encounters of the Third Kind, it became a multi million dollar business, with UFO experts building entire careers around TV interviews and best-selling books. “In order to sustain the business, it requires a constant stream of sensational multiple sightings, abductions and implanting of alien devices.  Oh, not to forget the conspiracies and cover-ups – they are essential to modern UFOlogy,” he explains. “It’s became the same for other parts of the conspiracy community – the advent of the internet has allowed unprecedented access to conspiracy theories and created a demand for ever more bizarre and outlandish theories on every topic imaginable. It’s becoming increasingly obvious that some of these are completely baseless and being created by unscrupulous opportunists for financial or political gain. Is it any wonder that there are those who now want to restore the ‘purity’ of the conspiracy firmament by codifying and regulating it via mechanisms like this so called ‘Unified Conspiracy Theory’? Although, obviously, this is being opportunistically exploited by the authorities to try and muzzle all conspiracy theories and take control of the narrative themselves!” Sceptics, meanwhile, remain unimpressed by any of the arguments concerning the ‘Unified Conspiracy Theory’. “It can never work for the simple reason that it is an attempt to impose rationality upon an inherently irrational group of individuals,” says arch sceptic and editor of Utter Bollocks: The Monthly Critical Review for Non-Believers, Norman Fudz. “You see, the trouble with conspiracy theorists is that it is impossible to reason with them as they’ll just pull another conspiracy theory from their arses to counter any holes you knock in their original crackpot beliefs.”