American Amateurism

‘Washington in shock after Trump press gala shooting’ blared the headlines following the most recent attempt on President Trump’s life.  Shock at what, exactly, though? This is the question that numerous political experts and commentators are asking in the aftermath of the event. “Should we be shocked by t he fact that this is the third (alleged) attempt on Trump’s life?” asks Delbert Hornblocker, Professor of Politics at Peoria Postal University. “Or that the US can’t muster a single competent assassin who can shoot straight?” As Hornbocker points out, the US is a nation renowned for its gun fetishism, where children are given guns and brought up to shoot from the moment they can walk, where it their coming of age rituals involve firing automatic weapons on shooting ranges until they reach a state of quasi-sexual ecstasy. So how is it that they have produced so many bad shots and just downright incompetent would-be assassins? “Look, that latest guy couldn’t even manage to be on the same floor as Trump before he started loosing off bullets,” says Hornblocker. “Was it some form of premature ejaculation? A result of him getting over-excited by the prospect of killing Trump? Whatever it was, it was damned unprofessional!” Indeed, it is this lack of professionalism which most concerns Hornblocker. “It’s like a metaphor for the whole Trump administration: professionalism is constantly side-lined in favour of amateurism.” he opines. “We’re living in an age of American amateurism – and it isn’t good!”

Hornblocker points to the state of US diplomacy under the Trump administration as the most obvious example of the dangerous slide into amateurism. “Where once we had an entire State Department full of trained diplomats and negotiators to resolve international crises, the US now relies upon sending out inept real estate dealer Steve ‘Witless’ Witkoff and Trump’s creepy son-in-law, Jared Kushner,” the academic explains.  “With a marked lack of success.” Indeed, the State Department was recently forced to deny reports that Witkoff was so incompetent that, during recent peace negotiations with Iran, he ended up in Tajikistan rather than Pakistan, later claiming that it was an easy mistake to make because both countries have names ending in ‘-stan’ and are both full of ‘towel heads’. “But isn’t just foreign affairs where the amateurs now reign supreme in Trump’s America,” laments Hornblocker. “Just look at ICE – because of the administration’s haste to enforce its racist immigration policies, they’ve had to expand the organisation by dropping recruitment standards. Nowadays it is staffed by every amateur wannabe SS concentration camp guard considered too racist for even the Klan! What are the results? Utterly incompetent enforcement resulting in fatal shootings of US citizens, the incarceration of children and home invasions! More American amateurism!”

All of which brings the academic back to the (alleged) assassination attempts on Trump – all of which seem to have been carried out by utter and complete amateurs.  “You’d really think that a nation of psychopaths like the US could come up with at least one efficient crazed killer, wouldn’t you?” he says. “I mean, damn it, hardly a week goes by when some crazed kid shoots up his school and guns down scores of his school mates and teachers – so why can’t one of these straight shooters target Trump?” Hornblocker is clear that it is clearly the influence of the Trump regime, dumbing down even would-be assassins.  “Just look to history – John Wilkes Boothe and Lee Harvey Oswald both took out their presidential targets.  Even John Hinkley managed to actually hit and seriously wound Ronald Reagan, even though he was so dumb that he was infatuated with a lesbian,” he muses.  “But nowadays – the best we get is some dude supposedly shooting Trump in the ear, (a wound which has, astoundingly, left no apparent scar).  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: what we need are professionals on the job.” He argues that the problems flow from the top downwards. “It all stems from the fact that we have an amateur president who has no idea what he’s doing,” contends Hornblocker. “But, instead of seeking wise counsel, he appoints other amateurs to senior positions, clearly hoping that their gross incompetence will make him look competent by comparison.”

But what is the solution to this onslaught of American amateurism? Fritz Kagg, a state legislature representative from West Virginia believes that the US must look beyond its own borders for salvation. “Things have got so bad here, professional standards have slipped so low across the board, that we need the rest of the world to club together and put a bounty on Trump’s head, thereby ensuring that every professional assassin mercenary and bounty hunter in the world will be trying to get the fat bastard in their sights,” he declares. “Which shouldn’t be difficult, bearing in mind that we’re talking about a giant ambulatory tub of lard here – the failure to hit him where it hurts is another testament to the amateurism of these clowns.” Kagg admits that he was disappointed that the UK government failed to take the opportunity of the recent State Visit by King Charles III to take out Trump. “I’d been pinning my hopes on the idea that King Charles might have been set up as human bomb during his state visit to the US and is prepared to sacrifice himself for the good of the world by exploding while addressing that joint session of Congress,” he says.  “He could have taken out the whole damned lot of ’em in one go, that way.”

Of course, the only alternative to the idea that the US can no longer muster anything but incompetent amateurs to try and assassinate the president is simply that all of the so-called attempts on his life have been staged.  “Whilst I’m not a conspiracy theorist (quite the opposite, in fact), just looking at these incidents, it is tempting to think that they are all publicity stunts, designed to bolster Trump’s standing, or enable his extremist policies, with those killed or injured in the process simply seen as collateral damage,”  says Hornblocker. “This latest attempt though, was the most pathetic yet – the alleged would be assassin couldn’t even get past reception. Yet the incident is being used as an argument as to just why Trump needs that secure White House ballroom to ensure his safety at such events.  Utter bullshit, obviously, but just the sort of amateur moves one might expect from an amateur president presiding over this era of American amateurism.”