Truth or Dump?

Washington has been rocked by reports that FBI director Kash Patel forcing staff at the agency’s headquarters to take lie detector tests. “It’s totally unprecedented and has left senior staff questioning Patel’s mental health,” former FBI agent Chuck Strimmer has told top tabloid the Weekly World Shopper. “What’s most worrying is the reason for these tests – apparently he’s trying to ascertain who it is that keeps leaving huge floaters in his private toilet!” Bureau insiders – who wish to remain anonymous – claim that these incidents have been going on for weeks, infuriating the director. “According to my information, he’d be ranting and raving to subordinates every time he went to use his private bathroom only to find himself confronted with some humungous floater swimming around the toilet bowl – especially if they didn’t flush. Allegedly, he once broke the cistern handle, he was flushing so furiously in an attempt to dislodge one particularly offensive turd,” claims Strimmer. “In the end, he demanded that a crew of Special Agents come in and break it up with toilet brushes – even then it took several buckets of water to wash it around the U-bend.” Whilst obviously furious over the incidents, Patel finally snapped when the perpetrator left a huge turd in the wash basin.  “That was when he started subjecting staff to polygraph tests,” reveals Strimmer. “He’s wandering around the FBI building pointing at random people and bellowing ‘It was you, wasn’t it?  You keep shitting in my bathroom and not flushing!’  But he becomes ever more frustrated as, every time someone is wired up to the polygraph and asked if they did it, they reply ‘I did not shit in the director’s bathroom’ and pass the test. It’s driving him crazy!”

According to Strimmer, though, staff at FBI headquarters all know that it is actually Patel himself who is doing the shitting – but he’s too drunk to remember his own unsanitary exploits.  “He’s allegedly drinking a whole case of his own brand bourbon – the one which carries the FBI badge on its labels – every day,” he says. “But nobody has the nerve to tell him, for fear that it will push him completely over the edge into total paranoia and he’ll start accusing them all of conspiring against him!” Indeed, so fearful of their director’s probable reaction to his exposure as the phantom dumper are staff at FBI headquarters, that they’ve even taken the extraordinary measure of concealing evidence from him. “When this all started, Patel had concealed cameras installed in his private bathroom, but, obviously, the footage simply showed him taking huge dumps and not flushing them away,” explains Strimmer. “So the staff reviewing the footage simply told him that there had been a fault with the cameras and that nothing had been recorded – implying that they had been sabotaged!” Unfortunately, this tactic simply stoked up Patel’s paranoia. “Obviously, it simply reinforced his obsession with pinning his own toilet crimes on someone else,” observes the ex-FBI agent. “So, inevitably, he started insisting on the polygraph tests – but their failure to identify the culprit have left him in an absolute frenzy over the issue!”

British political commentator Jacob Stenhousemuir has pointed out that Kash Patel’s alleged attempts to divert attention from his own bodily functions are not without precedent. “It’s all reminiscent of when Boris Johnson was PM and kept trying to blame his chronic farting on other cabinet members – usually Michael Gove, who, everyone agrees, looks like the sort who would fart furtively in public,” he told the BBC Radio Four’s World at One. “Johnson even kept up the pretence when he broke wind so violently in a cabinet meeting that he blew a hole in his trousers and followed through – he rushed from the room, stained trousers in tatters, before returning trouserless, with a towel wrapped around his waist, pointing at Rishi Sunak and shouting ‘You filthy bastard!  I’ve told you before to go outside before you do that!’  Much to relief of Gove, who had himself just released a sneaky one cheek lift fart under cover of Johnson’s ear-splitting postern blast.” Stenhousemuir, however, concedes that there is one key difference between the behaviour of Johnson and that of Patel. “Johnson, of course, was knowingly practicing a deception, attempting, as ever, to deflect blame for his own uncivilised behaviour,” he notes. “Whereas Kash Patel is seemingly oblivious to his own disgusting misconduct.”

But just why is Patel shitting in his own bathroom, not flushing or even sometimes not even using the correct receptacle for his bowel movements?  And why is he apparently oblivious of his own unacceptable behaviour?  Is it simply down to the fact that he commits these acts whilst blind drunk and has no recollection of this drunken behaviour when he sobers up? Former Harvard psychology professor Dr George Sockheimer disagrees with the alcohol induced amnesia theory, telling the Weekly World Shopper that, in his opinion, Patel’s alleged behaviour actually speaks of deeply rooted psychological problems. “Could it be that is a sign of his subconscious self-loathing?” he asks.  “That at some level he is aware of the fact that he is completely unqualified for the office he holds and is seen by others as a drunken incompetent?  So, he literally shits on one of the symbols of his conscious self’s success – the private FBI director’s bathroom, with its gold fittings?” Sockheimer notes that Patel’s competence as FBI director have frequently been called into question, with one retired FBI Deputy Director having described him as ‘being unable to find his own fart in a bathtub, let alone lead a major investigation’.

With FBI headquarters having been thrown into chaos by his manic hunt for the phantom defiler of his bathroom, many are questioning just how this latest mayhem might impact the Bureau’s operational effectiveness. Others have been comparing Patel unfavourably with his predecessors. “Just what, I wonder, would his predecessor and founding director of the FBI J. Edgar Hoover make of it all?” opines retired Deputy Director Avram Sootfell.  “Hoover, after all, merely dressed in women’s clothes and pursued a homosexual affair with his assistant while publicly persecuting homosexuals and other alleged ‘deviants’.  But, damn it, he never took a shit in his own sink then tried to pin it on someone else.”