Top political commentator claims right-wing Tory extremists the result of radiation from a strange meteorite. Are Liz Truss and Boris Johnson second or third generation mutations devoid of empathy, kindness and sanity? Allegations that glowing blue meteor now ensconced in catacombs beneath Tufton Street.
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As Boris Johnson promises political memoir ‘like none other’, top journalist asks whether former Premier is suffering from ‘False Memoir Syndrome’? Alleges that memoir will be complete fabrication portraying Johnson as Churchillian ‘war leader’ who single handed beat Covid, won the ‘Battle of Brexit’ and fought off Russian tanks in Ukraine.
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Was recent mauling to death of dog walker by her charges first salvo in canine war on humanity? Spate of dog killings across UK as expert urges pre-emptive retaliation against man’s so called ‘best friend’ before he rips your throat out. Claims dogs conspiring to turn the tables and make their masters the pets.
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Are Royal Family a bunch of racists who hunt ethnic minorities for sport in inner city areas? Is Prince William a hard drinking bar brawler? Is his brother a trigger happy psychopath, mowing down his own soldiers by mistake? Rival Royal experts respond to Prince Harry’s book ‘Spare’ with more bizarre Royal claims.
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A New Year resolution to continue the old year’s campaign to purge the racists from my Twitter timeline. Elon Musk might be reinstating the banned Nazis and racists to Twitter, but they are being firmly evicted from my timeline – followers uncritically re-tweeting them will be out on their ear in 2023…
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Man arrested after householder injured by Christmas present being farted through letter box claims that he is actually the legendary ‘Farter Christmas’. Alleges he is trying revive tradition of farting down chimneys, having been displaced by bowdlerised, fart free, ‘Father Christmas’ since Victorian era. Forgotten seasonal icon or fart obsessed madman?
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Paranormal Investigator, Exorcist and Agony Aunt The Reverend Leonard Fanny advises readers on their supernatural problems. This time he counsels a man suffering from the activities of ‘My Living Sex Dolls’. Is a man’s ability to ejaculate living replicas of the subjects of his masturbatory fantasies Satanically inspired?
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Is business booming for Britain’s mercy killers thanks to cost-of-living crisis? UK’s providers of illicit euthanasia services report surge in demand for their services as old and infirm find it increasingly difficult to make ends meet. Fear cold snap combined with high fuel prices will cut off demand for assisted dying as pensioners find freezing to death cheaper.
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Are government minister’s deliberately committing acts of gross misconduct in order to be sacked and collect lucrative annual pay offs? Suspicions raised as Rishi Sunak’s government hit by wave of forced resignations after ministers various frolic naked in offices and punch out tea ladies.
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Suella Braverman and Therese Coffey burned as witches as puritan mob invades House of Commons. Are witch finders cleansing Tories of evil by destroying dangerous coven which has PM and media in their spell, or are they simply misogynistic and racist fanatics targeting powerful women and minorities?
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Is a sinister secret organisation creating fake childhood traumas for celebrities? Claims that tales of childhood abuse, violence and bullying splashed across tabloid front pages are actually carefully fabricated lies designed to gain celebrities publicity and public sympathy.
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Has someone been taking a dump in the residential bins? Doc Sleaze muses on some recent incidences of everyday madness, including literally messy bins and the pestilence that are charity cold callers, with a view to landing a regular column in ‘The Guardian’. Whimsical observations on life, or the crazed rantings of a bitter old crank?
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Has a notorious Victorian ghoul returned to terrorise Britain’s streets? Is ‘Flame Arsed Jack’ is once more abroad, frightening women and children with his anal arson antics? Mass hysteria, supernatural apparition, or ‘Wokerati’ bogeyman invented to scare children into being woke? Experts disagree as to true nature of ‘Flame Arsed Jack’.
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As Tories flounder under Liz Truss, Tory Grandees announce plan to create new ‘unity candidate’ for leader by combining ‘best parts’ of previous leaders into one new MP, Frankenstein monster-style. Critics point to lack of success at previous attempts to create perfect leaders, including android Theresa May and reanimated corpse Jacob Rees-Mogg.
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Top political scientist claims new formula will allow left to get in touch with ‘inner nastiness’ to better fight the Tories, the so called ‘Nasty Party’. Claims credit for Labour leader’s recent fiery conference speech amid fears that his potion could turn Keir Starmer into top-hatted, cape wearing murderous evil alter ego who beats poor children to death with cane.
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Government denies Security Service’s ‘honey trap’ scheme – ‘Operation Spanker’s Bonus’ – succeeded in entrapping only Tory MPs rather than foreign agents and domestic security threats. According to spokes person top Tory MP didn’t suffer heart attack while strapped into spanking machine and senior minister not caught off his face on drugs.
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