Did the Queen jump out of her coffin at lying in state as practical joke before expiring again? Did those viewing coffin experience healing miracles? Top psychologist claims UK spent period of Royal mourning in state of hysteria, hallucinating late monarch as saint-like figure, as a ‘Royal Death Cult’ gripped nation.
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Paranormal Investigator, Exorcist and Agony Aunt The Reverend Leonard Fanny advises readers on their supernatural problems. This time he counsels a convent suffering from the activities of a ‘Bad Saviour’. Is a devil abroad as nuns claim effigy of Christ climbs down from cross nightly to ravish them?
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As news channels feature conspiracy theory ranting loons and neo-Nazis as ‘news commentators’, we ask whether it is time to start ‘cancelling’ the reactionary right wing nonsense like the ‘war on Woke’ or ‘cancel culture’, that prey upon the gullible and poison our political discourse. Should we be calling their promulgators out for what they are: traitors?
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With raw sewage threatening to swamp Britain’s beaches, new service to combat brown menace announced. As authorities make plans for hazmat clad lifeguards to rescue effluent engulfed swimmers, environmentalists warn of threat from crap-mutated giant sea creatures if water companies don’t stop discharging raw sewage into the sea.
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Is Soho’s new ‘Club Sex’ an outrage to public decency, as claimed by opponents? Club will offer live stimulated ‘rape shows’ for predominantly male members. Owner claims watching fake rapes will satiate appetites of potential rapists for sexual molestation of women. Campaigners condemn exploitation of male violence against women for entertainment.
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Tory leadership contender Liz Truss appeals to Conservative Party membership by vowing to have head replaced with that of Margaret Thatcher if elected leader. Tory Party scientist outlines bizarre plan to revive Thatcher’s dead head to create ‘perfect Conservative Prime Minister’.
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Desperate to avoid queues at ports, British holidaymakers resort to buying boats from refugees newly arrived in Kent in order to cross illegally to France. Asylum seekers complain of consequent lack of boats for them, while some Brits find themselves on flights to Rwanda as they try to return from holiday same way as they left.
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Activist proposes that arses allegedly grabbed by Tory MP Chris Pincher be immortalised as giant sculptures, as they led to fall of Boris Johnson and ‘saved Britain’. Should one huge pair of cheeks replace Winston Churchill in Parliament Square? Is fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square appropriate permanent home for the other?
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Doc Sleaze ignores the Platinum Jubilee in revenge for the Queen having ignored him many years ago, while pondering how detrimental to democracy the continued existence of an institution as archaic as the monarchy might be. Is it time to storm the palaces?
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Is sexual deviancy the new qualification required for serving in cabinet? As disgraced former Tory Deputy Chief Whip Chris Pincher seeks help with his groping addiction from ‘Arse Grabbers Anonymous’, Boris Johnson launches ‘Operation Save Big Swinging Dick’ in attempt to save his Premiership from series of sordid sex scandals.
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Paranormal Investigator, Exorcist and Agony Aunt The Reverend Leonard Fanny advises readers on their supernatural problems. This time, a mother worries her teenaged son is involved in a Satanic sex cult when she discovers a huge stone penis-shaped altar in his room, to which he and his friends masturbate. Can the Rev help?
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Did private remark by exasperated Queen result in multiple attempts on life of Prime Minister Boris Johnson? Journalist makes amazing claims of Royal disapproval of Britain’s leading buffoon in wake of mob attempting to bludgeon Johnson to death as he left Parliament.
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Has the Queen become a homicidal maniac? On eve of Jubilee, former Palace employee makes extraordinary claims of paranoid monarch engaging in knife fights and attacking members of family she suspects of plotting to kill her for the crown. Top Royal commentator believes real threat coming from pagan cultists looking to sacrifice Queen to renew UK.
Read MoreDon’t you know there’s a war on? Ask defenders of Boris Johnson as critics call for his resignation over drunken Downing Street lockdown orgies. Wartime rhetoric invoked as ministers don tin hats, call for black outs and rationing in response to fuel and food shortages caused by ‘the war’ (in Ukraine). Argue Johnson is vital wartime leader the country needs.
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Prime Minister explodes in Commons! Terrorism or spontaneous human combustion? Tory party thrown into chaos amid accusations of witchcraft being behind explosion. While opposition suggests either Boris Johnson exploded from shame or faked own death to escape political problems, others point finger at Labour leader Keir Starmer’s alleged mental powers.
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Are Britain’s lower classes, immigrants and refugees sufficiently grateful for the charity they receive? Right-wing political candidates proposes they be forced to show appropriate levels of gratitude to their benefactors – or face summary justice from the ‘Gratitude Police’. Believes public displays of gratitude from lower orders will restore ‘natural order’ in UK.
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