Is a sinister secret organisation creating fake childhood traumas for celebrities? Claims that tales of childhood abuse, violence and bullying splashed across tabloid front pages are actually carefully fabricated lies designed to gain celebrities publicity and public sympathy.
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Has someone been taking a dump in the residential bins? Doc Sleaze muses on some recent incidences of everyday madness, including literally messy bins and the pestilence that are charity cold callers, with a view to landing a regular column in ‘The Guardian’. Whimsical observations on life, or the crazed rantings of a bitter old crank?
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Has a notorious Victorian ghoul returned to terrorise Britain’s streets? Is ‘Flame Arsed Jack’ is once more abroad, frightening women and children with his anal arson antics? Mass hysteria, supernatural apparition, or ‘Wokerati’ bogeyman invented to scare children into being woke? Experts disagree as to true nature of ‘Flame Arsed Jack’.
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As Tories flounder under Liz Truss, Tory Grandees announce plan to create new ‘unity candidate’ for leader by combining ‘best parts’ of previous leaders into one new MP, Frankenstein monster-style. Critics point to lack of success at previous attempts to create perfect leaders, including android Theresa May and reanimated corpse Jacob Rees-Mogg.
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Top political scientist claims new formula will allow left to get in touch with ‘inner nastiness’ to better fight the Tories, the so called ‘Nasty Party’. Claims credit for Labour leader’s recent fiery conference speech amid fears that his potion could turn Keir Starmer into top-hatted, cape wearing murderous evil alter ego who beats poor children to death with cane.
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Government denies Security Service’s ‘honey trap’ scheme – ‘Operation Spanker’s Bonus’ – succeeded in entrapping only Tory MPs rather than foreign agents and domestic security threats. According to spokes person top Tory MP didn’t suffer heart attack while strapped into spanking machine and senior minister not caught off his face on drugs.
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Did the Queen jump out of her coffin at lying in state as practical joke before expiring again? Did those viewing coffin experience healing miracles? Top psychologist claims UK spent period of Royal mourning in state of hysteria, hallucinating late monarch as saint-like figure, as a ‘Royal Death Cult’ gripped nation.
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Paranormal Investigator, Exorcist and Agony Aunt The Reverend Leonard Fanny advises readers on their supernatural problems. This time he counsels a convent suffering from the activities of a ‘Bad Saviour’. Is a devil abroad as nuns claim effigy of Christ climbs down from cross nightly to ravish them?
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As news channels feature conspiracy theory ranting loons and neo-Nazis as ‘news commentators’, we ask whether it is time to start ‘cancelling’ the reactionary right wing nonsense like the ‘war on Woke’ or ‘cancel culture’, that prey upon the gullible and poison our political discourse. Should we be calling their promulgators out for what they are: traitors?
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With raw sewage threatening to swamp Britain’s beaches, new service to combat brown menace announced. As authorities make plans for hazmat clad lifeguards to rescue effluent engulfed swimmers, environmentalists warn of threat from crap-mutated giant sea creatures if water companies don’t stop discharging raw sewage into the sea.
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Is Soho’s new ‘Club Sex’ an outrage to public decency, as claimed by opponents? Club will offer live stimulated ‘rape shows’ for predominantly male members. Owner claims watching fake rapes will satiate appetites of potential rapists for sexual molestation of women. Campaigners condemn exploitation of male violence against women for entertainment.
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Tory leadership contender Liz Truss appeals to Conservative Party membership by vowing to have head replaced with that of Margaret Thatcher if elected leader. Tory Party scientist outlines bizarre plan to revive Thatcher’s dead head to create ‘perfect Conservative Prime Minister’.
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Desperate to avoid queues at ports, British holidaymakers resort to buying boats from refugees newly arrived in Kent in order to cross illegally to France. Asylum seekers complain of consequent lack of boats for them, while some Brits find themselves on flights to Rwanda as they try to return from holiday same way as they left.
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Activist proposes that arses allegedly grabbed by Tory MP Chris Pincher be immortalised as giant sculptures, as they led to fall of Boris Johnson and ‘saved Britain’. Should one huge pair of cheeks replace Winston Churchill in Parliament Square? Is fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square appropriate permanent home for the other?
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Doc Sleaze ignores the Platinum Jubilee in revenge for the Queen having ignored him many years ago, while pondering how detrimental to democracy the continued existence of an institution as archaic as the monarchy might be. Is it time to storm the palaces?
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Is sexual deviancy the new qualification required for serving in cabinet? As disgraced former Tory Deputy Chief Whip Chris Pincher seeks help with his groping addiction from ‘Arse Grabbers Anonymous’, Boris Johnson launches ‘Operation Save Big Swinging Dick’ in attempt to save his Premiership from series of sordid sex scandals.
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