Don’t you know there’s a war on? Actually no, I didn’t. Sure Ukraine is at war with Russia, but the UK isn’t directly involved, even though Ukraine begins with ‘UK’. But according to the right wing press Boris Johnson is a war leader and therefore shouldn’t be kicked out of office for minor stuff like breaking the law and lying to parliament…
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Government defends decision to scale down giant monster attack defences, claiming threat of such attacks has now receded and Britons must learn to live with monsters. Critics allege government’s indiscriminate use of nuclear weapons as primary defence – following failure of expensive private sector initiatives – caused mutations driving continued waves of the creatures.
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As local business sacks regular workforce, local community asks whether ‘agency staff’ replacements are actually zombies. Claims of all-night Voodoo drums from delivery bays of Dagenham supermarket as customers allege they recognise some of shambolic new staff as deceased loved ones. Are the living dead destined to be UK’s new unpaid workforce?
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New company offers ‘White Man’s Delight’ holidays for UK bigots disenchanted with Brexit Britain. Plan to buy a small country and institute ‘woke free’ regime for visitors to enjoy ‘politically incorrect holidays’ abusing women and minorities, consequence free. Promise England in the seventies-style ‘paradise’ for those tired of ‘wokery’.
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Paranormal Investigator, Exorcist and Agony Aunt The Reverend Leonard Fanny advises readers on their supernatural problems. This time, a sex therapist is having trouble with an attack of the crabs – giant mutated pubic lice – that he has inadvertently let loose upon an English seaside resort, causing carnal chaos. Can the Rev help?
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Are Ukrainians looking to make fortune from war with Russia? Right wing anti-immigration Tory MP claims UK must resist calls to take Ukrainians displaced by war for fear of setting precedent – it could encourage others seeking to migrate here to start wars. Others claim war is actually Ukrainian scam to fleece West of money and arms – invasion completely faked.
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Anti-War protesters welcome outbreak of war in Ukraine for giving them new conflict to campaign against. Condemn all violence and refuse to take sides, urging Ukrainians to let Russians in and peacefully protest instead of fighting in order to save lives. A sincere humanitarian stand or just moral posturing? Asks top academic.
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As war rages in Ukraine, we ask the Stop the War Coalition, how does it feel to be aligned with Nigel Farage in blaming the unprovoked Russian invasion of its neighbour on NATO and the EU? Will the UK’s Russian-financed Tory government do the right thing, or just keep spouting hot air? Just what can we do to help Ukraine?
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Is UK government stoking up tensions between Russia and Ukraine as distraction from domestic troubles? Or is pursuit of European conflict extension of Boris Johnson’s Churchill cosplay? Did UK plan ‘false flag’ operation to provoke Russian invasion as Moscow taking too long over decision?
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Is Metropolitan Police institutionally racist and sexist? Controversial former senior cop feels criticisms of out-going Commissioner Cressida Dick unfounded and claims most so-called racism and misogyny within force result of misunderstood training techniques designed to ‘toughen up’ black and female officers.
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Is Boris Johnson planning to ambush President Putin with cake in order to provoke war as a distraction from ‘partygate’? Is phantom cake-flinger terrorising cabinet ministers? Official investigation into alleged cake attacks dismissed as yet another attempt to distract voters from lockdown parties scandal.
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As Labour moves ahead in polls, Corbyn supporters complain complain new popularity is for ‘wrong reasons’. Argue party should be winning because it is more ‘virtuous’ than Tories and has ‘ideologically sound’ socialist policies rather than simply because Boris Johnson is big fat party animal. Party should pursue ideological purity rather than power.
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UK’s top revolutionary claims Johnson’s Tory government guilty of ‘war crimes’ over their mishandling of and profiteering from the pandemic. Outlines elaborate plans for punishing ‘Tory War Criminals’, including holding lottery to decide who gets to publicly kick Boris up the arse in televised Whitehall ceremony.
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Donald Trump denies he was ever president, labelling reports of his tenure in White House as being ‘Fake News’. He and supporters claim conspiracy by liberal elites to suppress public memory of disastrous Hillary Clinton presidency by creating false narrative of Trump administration to take blame instead.
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Has social media democratised abuse, making more forms of mass harassment and defamation freely available to the masses? Or is it merely a largely irrelevant sideshow, full of would be political campaigners mistaking trending meaningless hashtags into oblivion for activism?
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Did Boris Johnson fatally crush photocopier in drunken prank at Downing Street Christmas office party? Government rocked by amazing allegations of wild lockdown celebrations. Claims of indecent exposure, criminal damage, violence and office equipment abuse following Prime Minister’s attempt to come down chimney surface.
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