Are Black Lives Matter protesters really the main threat facing our statues? Journalist claims statues actually at threat from shady right-wing statue shaggers seeking surrogate sex with their idols. Cult uncovered after abducted effigy of Churchill crashes through neighbour’s ceiling during pervert’s stone sex session.
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Should anti-vaxxers, covid deniers, coronavirus conspiracy theorists and general covidiots be exiled to remote island in hope they will infect each other and die? Or should they be put on redundant cruise ships and torpedoed by Navy? Right-wing snowflakes aghast at suggestions made by top academic and Labour MP to resolve covidiot threat.
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Tory MPs push for reopening of UK sex industry as part of lockdown easing after ‘losing the whip’ for months. Claim Britons clamouring for kinky sex after months of deprivation. Fears, however, of restrictions on most extreme paid sex activities amid worries they could fuel coronavirus spikes.
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What the Black Lives Matter protests have revealed is the staggering level of ignorance on the part of a depressingly large number of people who just can’t seem to grasp what constitutes racism. You know the ones I mean, the ones who profess not to be racist, but…
Read MoreGovernment Sex Detector vans target on those suspected of having non-lockdown approved sex. Intercourse between non co-habiting couples leads to arrests as civil liberties campaigners complain that authorities encouraging snooping and voyearism to enforce ‘sex ban’.
Read MoreA bizarre piece of Euro-horror with a chequered history, Island of the Cod Men has been opportunistically re-released on DVD to coincide with current EU-UK disputes over fishing rights stemming from trade deal negotiations, post-Brexit…
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Was Boris Johnson’s top adviser trying to escape evil double when he broke lockdown to travel to Durham? Extraordinary claims made by Tory MP in defence of Dominic Cummings – ‘Evil Dom’ released by Covid-19 infection tried to steal his life!
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Was Jesus Christ actually a vampire? Controversial new film sensationally claims that Christian church built upon blood sucking. Top Bishop calls for boycott of blasphemous movie, rejecting allegations that worshippers literally drink blood of Christ.
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Top crime figures demand government lift lockdown to facilitate their members. Robberies, burglaries and street crimes at a standstill due to anti-Covid measures. Crime unions claim fewer people at home and more potential victims on the streets needed to kickstart UK crime.
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We welcome the return of anonymity ushered in by the pandemic. Thanks to Covid-19 we can now go masked in public with impunity – anti-social behaviour is now within in the reach of all as CCTV cameras are rendered impotent by mass mask wearing.
Read MoreAre celebrities exploiting captive audience provided by coronavirus lockdown? Accusations that inane celebrity videos driving housebound population to brink of insanity as instances of arson, attempted murder and suicide rise sharply.
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Has the real Boris Johnson been replaced by clones? Journalist posits incendiary theory that Prime Minister actually died of Covid-19 and cloned by Tory Party to avoid public panic. As many as three Boris clones claimed to be on loose.
Read MoreSmall communities fearing panic buying bands of brigands might fall upon their local shops recruit mercenaries to protect their villages. Devon pensioners engage ‘Magnificent Seven’, while others employ mercenaries to to clear bandits threatening OAP supermarket shopping hours.
Read MoreAs UK goes into lockdown, popular culture struggles to deal with restrictions imposed by social distancing rules in order to ensure that it is show business as usual. Proposals for gossip columnists to simulate celebrity incidents with dolls while suggestions that football season be continued via Subuteo mooted.
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Will Boris Johnson’s much vaunted virility, as he gets another woman up the duff, prove to be his downfall? Top Labour spin doctor plans election broadcast simulating Prime Minister in bed copulating with a woman – believes public revulsion at sight of all those wobbling buttocks and horrendous grunting will persuade voters to abandon Boris.
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Is coronavirus ‘Fake News’? Conspiracy theories ‘go viral’ as President Trump claims Covid-19 is Chinese/Democrat conspiracy to discredit him, while UK conspiracy theorist claims virus is cover up for zombie apocalypse.
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