Fear The Queer?

“Look, I’m going to be boycotting firms like Budweiser and Disney until they stop promoting homosexuality – and I’m not the only one,” declares Herb Herkiston, proprietor and editor of the Fuckle county Examiner, a local newspaper in what is claimed to be the most reactionary area of Tennessee. “Right now, I’m declaring war on them and I intend extending the Examiner’s campaign not just state-wide, but nationally, too!” Herkiston, who claims to represent the views of some three thousand weekly subscribers to his newspaper, was speaking as he unveiled the front page of his newspaper’s latest edition, carrying the headline: ‘No Beers For Queers’ – announcing the commencement of a campaign to ban Budweiser beers from sale in Fuckle County. The newspaperman is one of a growing number of right-wing Americans who have taken exception to many large US firms embracing diversity in their advertising campaigns and employment policies, alleging that it undermines US values. But exactly what is it they fear from this growing corporate acceptance of the LGBTQ community? “Damn it, we’re not being unreasonable about this – e turned a blind eye to them having faggots and trannies advertising stuff like cosmetics or even clothes, but getting them involved with beer is just crossing a line,” he opines. “I mean, beer is a man’s business and we don’t want these limp wristed switch hitchers and their like encroaching into man’s territory. Can’t we real men even hang out in a bar any more without our masculinity being diluted? It’s the final step in the dangerous normalisation of perversion that liberals are trying to foist on us regular folks!”

But Herkiston’s objections go beyond the marketing of beers and other traditionally masculine products to the gay and trans communities. “They’ve no business working in such industries – and back in the good old days they wouldn’t have been allowed to,” he says. “Before those damn Democrats started bringing all this equality nonsense into employment laws, companies could just pass on candidates who were a bit to light on their feet or had hair touching their collars.” In fact, according to Herkiston, the employment of the sexually diverse in places of work like breweries or bakeries could pose a serious risk to public health and morals. “You get ‘em on that bottling line and next thing you know they’ll be pissing or jerking off their God Damned ‘queer juice’ into our beer and anyone who drinks it will be a raving homo after a couple of bottles,” he blusters. “And they won’t stop at trying to convert the cream of our masculinity with contaminated beer – next thing they’ll be in the bakeries trying to indoctrinate our kids by giving them penis shaped cakes and the like to eat!” Herkiston is firmly of the belief – extolled weekly in his newspaper – that homosexuals, transvestites, transgender people and other non-heterosexual groups present an existential threat to humanity. “It stands to reason – all this trying to convert men to having sex with men, women with women, women becoming men and guys becoming girls is aimed stopping human sexual reproduction,” he explains. “A child can only be conceived by a real heterosexual man and a real straight woman and can only be borne by a proper woman – if none of either are left, then we face extinction as a species!”

According to the Tennessee newspaperman the motivation of the sexually diverse in attempting to achieve such a cataclysmic aim is simple: they are not of this earth. “There was a time when I would have just said that they were possessed by the devil himself and trying to perpetrate his evil schemes,” muses Herkiston. “But it recently came to light that the Vatican had been involved in covering up a UFO crash in the 1930s – on the orders of Pope Pius XI himself!” As related in the pages of the Fuckle County Examiner, the extraterrestrial vessel, which landed crashed just outside of Turin in 1937, was quickly seized by the Fascist military, who were shocked to find that some of the crew were still alive. “They seemed to be badly injured, so the authorities naturally called on the Vatican to send someone down to administer Last Rites if they proved necessary,” claims the journalist. “Well, the Cardinal who came from Rome to the top secret facility where they were holding the aliens managed to open up some kind of communication with the visitors and what he learned from them horrified him! He immediately reported back to Pope Pius, who, after consultation with his top advisers, told Mussolini personally that the craft and the aliens must be destroyed immediately and with no traces of their existence left anywhere!”

But what had disturbed His Holiness so much that he believed such drastic measures were warranted? “It seems that the Cardinal learned that they were a single sex race – all males – who could reproduce through having unnatural sex with each other! Both their mouths and anuses were multi-purpose orifices through which they could be impregnated by another male’s penis. Conception caused not just the fertilisation of an egg to form an embryo, but also the creation of a temporary womb, with them giving birth through their butt holes!” Herkiston explains breathlessly. “Obviously, the revelation that such things were possible would give scientific legitimacy to same sex relationships and all manner of other perversions, so had to be suppressed!” Despite the destruction of all evidence of the crash, Herkiston believes that the aliens have surreptitiously returned and have been behind the popularisation and legitimisation of homosexuality and other ‘non-conventional’ ideas about sex and gender since the end of World War Two, with the aim of wiping out the human race and colonising the earth without having to fire a ray gun.

While dismissed by the mainstream media and politicians, Herkiston’s bizarre claims have received some support from Bishop Brendan O’Fugh, a former Vatican archivist and one time Bishop of Staines. “There is no doubt in my mind that these homosexuals are possessed of an evil not of this earth,” he recently told the Barnet Bugle and Motor Exchange. “But whether it is alien or from the depths of Hell I’m not sure. I’ve done many an exorcism in my time and had to grapple with some naked fellas possessed of demons and I can’t tell you the number of times they’ve tried to bend me across the back of a sofa and try to bugger me into renouncin’ Christ with their devil’s tool! Perhaps those homo aliens were from a planet that had already fallen to Satan and were doin’ his bidding in spreading this filthy evil!” For its part, the Catholic Church has refused to comment on Herkin’s claims, but have pointed out that Bishop O’Fugh was defrocked several years ago for holding unauthorised drunken midnight masses that included games of ‘Strip Communion’ and ‘Spin the Crucifix’.