Erotic Apocalypse Aug27

Erotic Apocalypse

“The government is desperate to keep a lid on this – if it escapes into the public domain, the consequences could be catastrophic,” claims leading sexologist Dr Lars Cox in today’s Daily Norks. “We’re talking about the most powerful and addictive pornography ever seen!” According to Cox the British government has been engaged in a desperate battle to suppress a cache of ancient smut allegedly unearthed in an archaeological dig on a Mediterranean island. A battle which has seen all of Britain’s military and intelligence resources harnessed to try and locate and destroy the porn: MI6 agents have been despatched to every corner of the world, SAS teams sent to destroy sex shops and jazz mag publishers suspected of handling the material and RAF fighters put on constant alert to strike at printing works and adult film studios identified as being involved in reproducing the dangerous filth. “This stuff they’ve dug up is the most addictive smut ever known,” explained the sexologist. “Many who see it can’t drag themselves away from it, staring at it and masturbating for hours. Even those who can draw themselves away become obsessed with it – the memory of it fills their every waking moment, no other pornography can satisfy the sexual appetite it awakens in them. In fact, no regular sexual activity can match the power of the porn – these addicts are doomed to forsake regular intercourse in favour of powerful masturbatory fantasies involving what they’ve seen! IF this stuff gets into general circulation we could be facing an erotic apocalypse!” Exactly what the pornography actually shows, Cox is unable to say. “The fact is that nobody who has seen it since its rediscovery has lived long enough to divulge its secrets,” he told the tabloid. “They’ve...

The Thrill Seekers Aug20

The Thrill Seekers

Officials at the UK end of the Channel Tunnel are blaming illegal immigrants for the latest holiday craze which is causing serious delays to services. “Ever since those illegals from Calais were reported to have almost entered England by walking through the tunnel, we’ve had hundreds of people trying to do the same thing on a daily basis,” says catering manager Ernie Blowstock. “Except that instead of coming from the French end, the buggers are all British and trying to walk from here to France!” Incredibly, inspired by the example of the Syrian refugees – widely reported in Britain’s tabloids – would be holiday makers seem to have decided to emulate them by walking to France via the Channel Tunnel. “I know it’s a bit of a slog, and you have to keep dodging the trains, but it is by far the cheapest way to take a foreign holiday,” explains Rob Stirruck, who claims to have made the trip – both ways – in order to take a two week break in the south of France. “OK, it takes the better part of a day, but once you get to the other side, the French trains are so much cheaper than ours that you can go anywhere you like on the money you saved by not paying those exorbitant Euro Tunnel fares.” According to Stirruck, entering the tunnel in the UK is surprisingly easy. “They just aren’t expecting anyone to try leaving the country that way, coming back is a bit trickier, as they are on the lookout for illegals, but just flash them a British passport and there’s nothing they can do,” he claims. “At the French end, they just couldn’t give a toss – bung their security people a few Euros and...

Rogue Reapers Aug13

Rogue Reapers

A series of mysterious fires and explosions at UK car dealerships selling luxury 4x4s are being ascribed to a secret government anti-terror operation gone awry. “The official story was originally gas explosions, then, when the phenomena started spreading all over the country, the government tried to invent a fake terror threat by claiming that these were arson attacks being carried out by militant extreme left anti-poverty groups – when, in reality, it was all down to their own supposed anti-terror operations,” top freelance investigative reporter Billy Gripestone has told The Sleaze. “Now they’ve slapped a D-notice on the whole business in an attempt to stop any more of these attacks being reported. The fact is that they are desperately trying to cover up a massive military cock up which has seen these car dealerships mistakenly identified as legitimate targets by a top secret new automated weapons system which has gone rogue!” According to the journalist, the Ministry of Defence (MoD) has been experimenting with autonomous weapons systems which, once set to their mission, will continue to operate without human intervention until they are destroyed. “It was simply a logical extension of their unmanned Reaper drone operations in places like Afghanistan,” Gripestone explained. “The top brass feared that the remote human operators of those Reapers could undermine missions by questioning the legitimacy of their targets – how many wedding parties can one drone pilot massacre on the pretext that the groom’s brother is an Al Qeada operative before they start to doubt their superiors?” The answer, Gripestone contends, was to equip the drones with their own artificial intelligence, capable of identifying and destroying targets without question. “This is why the UK government opposed a ban on the development of so called ‘killer robots’ at a...

Speaking Ill of the Dead

In a break with convention, a local newspaper obituary writer has chosen not to describe a recently deceased member of the community as ‘a loving husband and father who will be missed by the whole community’, instead describing them as ‘an utter bastard with no redeeming features’. “Everyone knew that the late Harry Corkers was a violent drunk who made his family’s life Hell and regularly indulged in ant-social behaviour, including urinating through neighbours’ letter boxes,” Monty Rental, staff writer on the Mid Sussex Pig Farmers’ Gazette told a national tabloid amid the furore which has followed his frank assessment of the dead man’s life. “I’m sick and tired of these whitewash jobs which pass for obituaries – ordinarily Corkers would have been described as a ‘colourful local character’, as if he was just some harmless eccentric when, in reality, he was an unpleasant drunken bully!” The obituary hasn’t been well-received by the dead man’s family, who have condemned it as an ‘outrageous slur on a loving family man’. “It never ceases to amaze how, once someone is dead, everyone tries to lionise them and make them a saint,” Rental mused. “The facts are there for everyone to see: the anti-social behaviour orders, the convictions for drunk and disorderly behaviour, criminal damage and assault! The whole district saw the black eyes he regularly gave his wife, who is now claiming that he was a model husband! Well, I’m afraid that I’m no longer prepared go along with the lies!” Rental has shrugged aside threats of legal action against him, pointing out that libel laws don’t apply to the dead. He has also reacted to allegations that he was a coward and that if his claims were true, he should have had the courage to make them whilst Corkers was still alive, highlighting the fact that all of Corkers’ criminal convictions were in the public domain and had, in fact, been reported by his newspaper at the time that they had occurred. “It’s ridiculous – I’ve had people shoving dog crap through my letterbox and hurling abuse at me in the street!” he told the tabloid. “I’ve even had death threats! All because I dared to tell people a truth they already knew! Believe me, nobody had a good word to say about Harry Corkers when he was alive, but now he’s dead he has become everybody’s best friend!” Undeterred by the hostility engendered by the Corkers obituary, Rental is already promising another frank obituary for his paper’s next edition. “Joey Jankles was fatally stabbed on his doorstep in an altercation with an ‘acquaintance’ of his son,” he explained in the tabloid interview, teasing the new obituary. “The reality is that he died in a dispute over drugs – Joey and his son were two of the biggest drug dealers in the area – he had a string of drug-related convictions, not to mention several more for violence and extortion! But according to all the stuff about him I’ve seen on Facebook, he was a ‘family man’ – yeah, he made sure his son was brought into the ‘family business’ – and ‘a bit of a lad’, if breaking someone’s fingers over a drug debt is classified as ‘laddish’ behaviour!” Despite hostility from some quarters, many readers of the local paper have been highly positive toward Rental’s initiative, with the letters page full of supportive messages. “It’s so refreshing to finally see some honest reporting,” wrote Curt Crutchwell of Midhurst. “I’m sick and tired of seeing obituaries of people I’ve known all my life making them out to be bloody saints, when I know damned well they were complete arseholes.” In a similar vein, another reader decried the reaction of relatives to Rental’s obituaries. “It’s obvious that they need to learn some home truths about their supposed loved ones,” Amy Brantz of Petworth wrote. “These people are clearly delusional when...

Beyond Bollocks

In a new Hollywood development, movie moguls have described as “totally false” allegations that a petition signed by over five hundred film stars, directors, writers and assorted hangers on had been sent to Osama bin Laden in the wake of 9/11, condemning his terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, as these had caused severe trauma to their egos by implying that Hollywood was utterly insignificant. Neither did this non-existent document call upon Al Qaeda to consider Los Angeles as a future target, due to its greater concentration of important public figures essential to the US’ cultural existence. Indeed, the Hollywood Screen Actors Guild has moved quickly to scotch reports that many of its members had suffered breakdowns and had been forced back into therapy, their sense self-worth destroyed by the terrorists’ decision to ignore them. The Guild also denied that several of its members had campaigned against Guantanamo Bay, demanding that they be incarcerated there for their anti-war stances. The agents of George Clooney, Barbara Streisand and Sean Penn, amongst others, have poured scorn on claims that their clients had written to the government, complaining that the authorities’ failure to arrest them was an insult to their radical politics and part of a conspiracy to marginalise left of centre political activity in the US. According to highly placed sources in the film industry, Matt Damon did not claim that he deserved to be locked up in Camp X-Ray as making films like Syriana was every bit as subversive as blowing up buildings and hijacking airliners. He also, at no time, complained that the government was undermining his credibility by denying him the chance to become a martyr for his ‘art’. Meanwhile, in the UK, ITV bosses have denied that they had grounds for...

Long Live the Queen!

Is spare part surgery keeping the Queen and Prince Philip alive? This is the astounding claim being made by top Royal-watcher Roger Todgingly. “How else do you think they keep going,” the journalist, who has reported on the Royal family for a number of newspapers including the Daily Excess and The Shite, told US tabloid the Weekly World Shopper. “I mean, just look at Prince Philip – he’s clearly decrepit, you expect something to fall off every time he moves, yet he just keeps on dodging that coffin!” According to the fifty nine year old, the Queen and her consort’s longevity is down to a series of organ transplants, carried out in complete secrecy by a crack team of surgeons based in a secret operating theatre located deep underneath Buckingham Palace. “Whenever one of them vanishes from public view for a few days – supposedly because of ‘illness’ – they are actually having ‘running repairs’ done,” he told the US tabloid – available at supermarkets throughout Kansas and North Carolina – in article entitled ‘Long Live the Queen’. “Something has failed or worn out and they are being fitted with replacements. Obviously, they don’t want the world to know what’s going on, so they just tell the press that the Queen has a ‘cold’ or that Prince Philip has a ‘bladder infection’ – a whole new urinary system, more like!” In order to facilitate this, apparently increasingly frequent, surgery, the surgical team has a huge refrigerated vault, stocked with spare parts, Todgingly claims. “Clearly, they can’t use just any spare body parts for the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh,” he says in the tabloid article. “They have to be carefully matched – quite apart from the risk of rejection, there’s the question of...

Winds of Change Jul09

Winds of Change

The Home Office is set to court controversy with new proposals to ban Britons from sniffing their own farts. “It’s all part of the crackdown on so-called ‘legal highs’ the Tories promised during the election campaign,” anti-drugs campaigner Amy Handwerk recently explained to readers of the Daily Excess, in article entitled ‘Winds of Change’. “For too long these sorts of things were passed off as being completely harmless, but all the evidence points to them being just as dangerous as hard drugs. I know some people out there are going to say that characterising inhaling your own gaseous emissions as part of this ‘legal high’ culture, but it is really no different to inhaling helium, which has become a popular, but dangerous, fad.” The real danger of fart sniffing, Handwerk claims, lies in the fact that it can be carried out by addicts behind closed doors, without the need for any elaborate drug paraphernalia or substances. “I’ve had personal experience of this,” she told the Excess, fighting back tears. “My own son succumbed to this addiction last year – we all thought it was a harmless, albeit disgusting, teenage fad when he started disappearing to his room to indulge his obsession. But he started spending longer and longer periods closeted in that small space, sniffing his own emissions. When he didn’t come down after twelve hours in his room one day, we became extremely worried.” Handwerk’s worries proved to be well placed as, when she and her husband forced open their son’s bedroom, they found him prone on the floor. “The air was foul with the stench of his farts,” she recalled. “Such a noxious atmosphere could easily have proven to be fatal – as it was, our boy suffered severe oxygen deprivation and...

Dogs on Drugs (Handjob, 2004) Jul02

Dogs on Drugs (Handjob, 2004)...

DIRECTOR: NICK STROPP. RUNNING TIME: 83 mins. DVD: BRAZEN FILMS. PRICE: £12.99. CERT: 18. Another attempt to recreate the Italian exploitation movie formula in the UK, Dogs on Drugs owes an obvious debt to Frederico Prosperi’s 1984 animals-on-the-rampage effort The Wild Beasts. Indeed, like its Italian inspiration, Dogs on Drugs has a former documentary maker in the director’s chair. Nick Stropp’s belated attempt at a British Mondo movie, Mondo Suburbia, with its ‘specially re-enacted for the cameras’ footage of supposed wife swapping parties in Woking, (which include the attendance of a supposed alien couple who can pleasure with their tentacles), and supposed human sacrifices in Surbiton (in order to ensure that the town’s municipal flower displays bloom spectacularly so as to win the regional heat of the ‘Britain in Bloom’ competition), was met with ridicule upon its 1996 release. However, the ability to stage utterly ludicrous scenarios in a straight-faced documentary style served Stropp well when it came to making this tale of a town’s pet dogs getting a dose of hallucinogenic drugs and turning homicidal. The film includes all the sequences you’d expect from such a scenario – dog walkers torn apart from their pets, a dog sitter engulfed and devoured by the pack of pooches she is meant to be looking after, school children terrorised by a pack of crazed labradors which have invaded their school. All filmed with grainy realism and the sense of detachment you’d expect from a documentary. Another effective scene sees the participants in an illegal dog fight fall foul of the contestants – two particularly vicious pit bulls. Some scenes are less effective: a policeman who laughs at the threat presented by a snarling Yorkie finds himself castrated when the furious ball of fur leaps at his...

Let’s Get Offended! Jun25

Let’s Get Offended!...

Let’s all get offended. After all, it’s all that anyone ever does on the web these days. Social media is just full of people wailing about how something they’ve seen, heard or read has deeply offended them. Twitter is probably the worst for this, chock full of idiots endlessly retweeting somebody else’s anguished tale of how they’ve been offended by something and adding their own experience of likewise having been mortally offended by the same thing. There are times when it seems like there’s a competition going on as to who has been offended the most by something. But having been offended en masse, these characters decide that simply registering their offence isn’t enough. Oh no. They have to do something about it – so they start up hashtags on the subject to try and get the source of their offence trending. And before you know it, some poor, hapless sap who innocently wrote an article containing an opinion the Twitter mob didn’t like, or even worse, something they merely interpreted as offensive, finds themselves being vilified across the web and, if they’re really unlucky, in the mainstream media as well. But that’s OK – they deserved it. They should have known that it is a capital offence to offend people these days. Everyone, it seems, thinks that they have the right to go through life not being offended. In an age when we, as individuals, are, thanks to an explosion of of new information sources and delivery systems, more exposed to the ideas and opinions of others than at any other time in history, it seems that increasing numbers of people don’t see why they should have their sensibilities upset by such ideas and opinions. What they really mean, of course, is that...

Conspiracy of the Insignificant Jun18

Conspiracy of the Insignificant

Has one of the world’s most mysterious organisations finally given up its secrets? Journalist ‘Big Tim’ Frickler certainly believes so, telling The Sleaze that he has finally infiltrated the annual meeting of the notorious ‘Premier Group’. “It wasn’t easy, these people are even more secretive than the Bilderberg Group,” explained the reporter, who has worked extensively in the alternative press, currently writing for the Luton Free Press. “Their meetings have even less publicity and, for the past ten years, have effectively flown under the radar of most conspiracy theorists.” Like the Bilderberg Group – a shadowy organisation which brings together a hundred and fifty top politicians, financiers and businessmen every year for secret discussions – the so called ‘Premier’ group holds its annual meeting in a different hotel every year. “Unlike Bilderberg, which draws attention to itself by setting up in some swanky four star hotel in a different country each year, this other group holds its meetings in some low-rent budget hotel in some unfashionable part of the UK,” Frickler continued. “I’ve managed to identify previous ‘Premier’ meetings at the Comfort Inn in Solihull, a Travelodge at a motorway services near Swindon and a B&B in Scunthorpe. No wonder they’ve managed to keep such a low profile.” This year’s meeting, the journalist discovered, was being held at the White Lodge, a small family-owned hotel on the outskirts of New Milton. “Of course, there were the usual denials when I made enquiries,” he said. “When I rang the hotel up the receptionist flatly denied that any secret international groups were holding meetings there, claiming that they didn’t have the facilities for such events. Even when I got the manager on the phone, the deception continued, with him trying to tell me that they only had ten bedrooms and no conference room!” Undeterred, Frickler staked the premises out, watching comings and goings at the hotel from his car, parked across the street. “I finally hit the jackpot when I saw a group of half a dozen people who I knew to be members of the group getting off of a bus at the bus stop down the road,” he revealed. “They quickly made their way to the hotel – it was clear that their sinister meeting was on!” However, no sooner had Frickler spotted his quarry, than he found himself under surveillance. “I saw this menacing figure in my side mirror – it was approaching my car at a rapid pace,” he recalled. “It seemed to dressed as some kind of traffic warden – but I knew that there were no parking restrictions on that bit of road! I just put the car in gear and got out of there as quickly as possible!” Frickler later returned to the hotel and – at considerable personal risk – succeeded in infiltrating the secret meeting. “With the aid of a fake moustache I booked into the place as a travelling salesman,” he explained. “Despite the claims that the hotel had no conference facilities, I found the conspirators in the dining room and, hiding under a table, was able to eavesdrop on some of their discussions.” Before Frickler was discovered, by a cleaner running her vacuum cleaner under the table he was concealed beneath, he was able to hear the group talking about ‘cleaning out’ a major bank and ‘clearing up the mess’ of several major public figures. “I would have heard more if that so called ‘cleaner’ hadn’t decided to hoover a perfectly clean section of carpet,” he laments. “But what I did hear just went to prove that these guys are major behind the scenes players in global economics and politics – they can apparently manipulate the banking system and cover up the horrendous crimes of the wealthy and powerful!” Despite breaking the story in the Luton Free Press, Bedfordshire’s leading underground newspaper, Frickler has been disappointed by the lack of...

Titanic Conspiracy Jun11

Titanic Conspiracy

The recent announcement of an expedition to find the ‘Titanic’ has caused much confusion in the maritime world, with experts pointing out that the famed passenger liner – which sank on its maiden voyage in 1912, after colliding with an iceberg – had already been found, when its wreck was located in 1985, twelve thousand feet beneath the surface of the Atlantic Ocean. However, the expedition’s organiser is adamant not only that the ‘Titanic’ didn’t sink, but that the vessel is still afloat and sailing the world’s oceans. “The whole iceberg business was a hoax,” Hamilton Querrell told a hastily convened press conference earlier this week. “It was all part of a gigantic conspiracy – much like the September 11th business this century . There never really were any passengers on the ship – all the so-called ‘survivors’ and the ‘grieving relatives’ of the supposedly drowned victims were actually actors employed by the authorities in order to fol the press and public.” The ship itself, Querrell told the media, did exist, the point of the conspiracy being to spirit it away, out of public sight. “The shipping company got a big insurance pay out,” he claimed. “At the same time, the conspirators got what they wanted – an effectively ‘invisible’ luxury liner they could use for their own shady purposes.” Pressed as to the identity of these conspirators, Querrell admitted that he couldn’t be precise, but told media representatives at the conference: “The Illuminati, the Secret Rulers of the World, the Cabal of International Financiers, Bilderberg Group, call them what you like, but they were the ones behind it, just as they are behind every major event in history.” According to the thirty nine year old Biggleswade shop assistant, the original purpose of the...

Frozen Assets Jun04

Frozen Assets

A top investigative journalist is claiming to have uncovered Welfare and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith’s most audacious scheme to cut unemployment figures and welfare payments yet. “It’s brilliant, yet cruel and insane all at once – just like Duncan Smith himself,” Billy Gripestone told The Sleaze. “It’s also far more cost-effective than those work fare schemes for the long-term unemployed, which ended up with taxpayers subsidising huge companies making millions in profits to allow benefits claimants to stack shelves for them!” According to Gripestone, the new solution to long-term unemployment is brutally efficient: anyone claiming job seeker’s allowance for more than twelve months is now being cryogenically frozen and stored in huge refrigerated underground vaults. “Believe me, all those falls in unemployment aren’t the result of more jobs being created – even the shysters who constitute our business classes can’t create that many ‘zero hours’ positions – but rather the fact that large numbers of people are no longer making claims because they are in a state of suspended animation!” The journalist alleges that the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) believe that their new policy can bring huge economic benefits for Britain in a number of areas. “Not only does it reduce the welfare bill, but it also reduces the strain on other public services,” he explained. “A source in the DWP told me that the Health Department expect to save billions from the NHS budget, as all these people won’t be taxing its resources whilst they are frozen! It’s the same with policing – with all these potential criminals in the cooler, so to speak, they confidently expect crime rates to plummet!” Gripestone claims that the Treasury are especially enthusiastic about the DWP’s plans to freeze the unemployed. “Apparently Chancellor George...

Save Our Smut May21

Save Our Smut

“Internet pornography is the new front line in the fight for freedom,” declares top blogger Norman Plinth, defending his ‘Save Our Smut’ campaign, which aims to frustrate the newly elected right-wing Conservative government’s plans to restrict Britons’ access to on line filth. “Trust me, Cameron’s attempts to censor porn from the net is just the thin of the wedge – if they succeed in taking away our right to look at naked breasts in the privacy of our own homes then the free press will be next!” For Plinth the free availability of internet pornography is symbolic of the free exchange of ideas and information that the world wide web has traditionally represented. “It’s getting to the stage where the web is the only place that you can get uncensored news reporting in the UK,” he told The Sleaze. “Damn it, I would never have known about that anti-austerity demonstration and riot in London the weekend after the election if I hadn’t read about it on Twitter – the mainstream news services completely ignored it. It was if there was a media blackout, like the government had slapped a D-Notice or something on it!” Indeed, the recent disturbances in London were just the latest in a long series of anti-government protests which the mainstream media have ignored and failed to report on, leading to speculation that the government has been pressuring the news media to suppress reporting of dissenting views. “It’s relatively straightforward for bastards to muzzle the regular news outlets – most newspapers are owned by the Tories’ right-wing reactionary mega rich friends, as is Sky News, so they don’t really have to do anything to get them to report news only favourable to the government,” Plinth contends. “As far as the BBC...

Super Sex Fiends May14

Super Sex Fiends

Was top British sex fiend Jimmy Savile the result of secret government experiments during World War Two to develop super powered soldiers? This is the sensational claim being made by former Ministry of Defence research scientist Dr Marlon Pook. “It’s the only explanation for the sheer scale of his offending – no normal man could possibly have sexually assaulted so many victims over such a relatively short period of time. They would never have had the stamina,” the scientist told top tabloid the Daily Norks. “But with his super speed, Savile was able to molest multiple victims virtually simultaneously in several different locations.” Pook also claims that Savile was able to deploy other of his special powers to ensnare his victims in the first place. “How else do you think a freaky looking weirdo like Savile ever convinced innocent young people that they were safe with him if not through his hypnotic powers?” he asked. “He used the same powers to put the police off of the scent every time they investigated him – he used his powers to make them destroy their own evidence and completely forget the allegations!” Pook’s allegations come in the wake of revelations that the US military had created the ‘Sex Men’ a force of sex powered porn stars to operate covertly against America’s enemies. “It all goes back to World War Two and the US’ attempts to create a ‘super soldier’ serum, which could transform ordinary weedy recruits into super-powered fighting machines,” he told the Daily Norks. “Whilst the US project used a lot of British scientific talent, the White House was reluctant to share the research with the UK, so Winston Churchill authorised the creation of an equivalent UK project at Porton Down.” According to Pook the top...

Eastern Evil May07

Eastern Evil

“It’s not bigotry to dislike Poles and other Eastern Europeans and to want them to go back to where they came from,” UKIP leader Nigel Farage has told the Daily Excess. “Everybody knows that they represent a very grave threat to British society due to their proclivities for vampirism and lycanthropy.” The election eve interview in the popular tabloid was intended to clarify the UKIP leader’s views of race and ethnicity and assuage voter fears that his party – with its hardline views on immigration – was fundamentally racist. “It isn’t a case of being opposed to them because they are coming over here stealing our jobs,” he claimed. “But rather it is a case of them coming over here and corrupting our women with their filthy blood drinking and shape-shifting!” Farage insists that areas of the UK which have seen large influxes of Poles, Romanians and Bulgarians have also experienced concurrent rises in reports of vampiric attacks. “The suave devils seduce young local women, dazzling them with their exotic lifestyles, before biting them and making them their vampire brides,” Farage explained. “Next thing you know, these girls are running amok in pubs and nightclubs, biting bouncers and policemen, before going home and spending the daylight hours in their bedrooms with the curtains pulled tight to keep out the light!” Farage used the interview to confirm that one of UKIP’s key policy pledges would be to ensure that all police officers would be issued with crucifixes and silver plated batons in order to combat the Eastern European vampire and werewolf threat. “Obviously, whilst the silver batons would be effective against the werewolves, increasing the number of municipal dog catchers might be an equally effective strategy,” he told readers of the tabloid. “The reported increases...

Bad Business Apr30

Bad Business

Businessmen – what a bunch of fucking bastards, eh? Yeah, that’s right, I’m dissing businessmen, in fact, I’m being anti-business. Heresy, I know, in today’s political climate where we’re all meant to worship at the feet of the great god of commerce, but the fact is that businessmen and their businesses are no good. Trust me, they’re no good for society, no good for workers, no good for democracy and no good for the economy. But we’re not supposed to utter these truths. If you are ‘anti-business’, them you fall outside of the ‘norm’ these days. A while ago I did one of those tests on the BBC website which can supposedly determine your political leanings. I came out as considerably further to the left than average. Which surprised me, as the answers I gave to their questions were based on observed fact. The answer that tipped me over the edge into be significantly left wing was, I think, that I thought that employers exploit their employees for their own benefit. Well, of course they bloody do – I see it all the time! It’s the whole basis of the capitalist system! But apparently this is no longer deemed an incontrovertible fact, but rather an ‘anti-business’ sentiment. And being ‘anti business’ is rapidly becoming the new paedophilia: to be accused of it puts you beyond the pale of civilised society. Of course, you don’t have to shout your opposition to business from the roof tops as I’m willing to do, to find yourself branded as ‘anti business’ these days. It says something about how far to the right that political discourse has been pushed in the UK that the press can try to characterise Ed Miliband as being ‘anti business’, because he dares to...