Dying for Ratings

Were powerful global news organisations behind a recent spate of celebrity deaths? This is the astounding claim being made by the West Midlands’ top conspiracy theorist. “Look, you aren’t going to tell me that all those celebrity deaths clustered around Christmas were a coincidence,” thirty eight year old Simon Copsty told the Birmingham Evening Norks. “Not only that, but wasn’t it incredibly convenient that pop superstar George Michael died – with no warning or apparent reason – on Christmas Day? Just in time for the TV news to carry the story in their evening bulletins when, traditionally, they have nothing to report!” Indeed, the former van driver claims to have evidence that various news organisations conspired to assassinate the former ‘Wham’ singer in order to generate a major news story during the holiday season, when, normally, they have no real stories to fill out their TV bulletins or front pages. “It’s the same every year, the media spend the Christmas period trying to build up the usual roster of tragic accidents and murders you get around this time of year as their seasonal misery stories,” Copsty explained. “Because the media love to shove a good tragedy in our faces at that time of year, to make out sure they ruin your Christmas, but it is generally hard going for them. But every so often, chance hands them something so catastrophic, tragic or devastating that they don’t have to do anything to build it up or shove it in our faces – I mean, a few years ago they hit the jackpot with that tsunami which killed all those people – that was a real festive spirit dampener! But last Christmas they decided they weren’t going to leave it to chance, instead setting up several...

Corbyn’s Got Talent Jan12

Corbyn’s Got Talent...

Jeremy Corbyn’s team have unveiled plans for his ‘relaunch’, designed to give the Labour leader a wider appeal by making him appear more populist, by announcing his participation in the next series of Britain’s Got Talent. The move has taken many political commentators by surprise, following much press speculation that this makeover might entail Corbyn attempting to embrace President-elect Trump’s approach, including the use of social media to swiftly reply to criticism rather than mounting detailed rebuttals. “It’s simply a case of them misunderstanding what we wanted to take from the Trump campaign,” explained Mary Kringe, one of Corbyn’s top media advisers, at a press conference. “What we saw as key to Trump’s success were his appearances on reality TV – it was The Apprentice which really took him into American voters’ living rooms, projecting the image of a strong, decisive, business leader, trather than just another wishy washy politician. On the back of that, he could sell the most outrageous policies imaginable – people just didn’t care how ludicrous they were, they just cared about the image! We decided that’s exactly what Jeremy needs right now!” Many commentators remain nonplussed by the strategy, particularly the fact that, unlike Trump, Corbyn will be a participant rather than a presenter of a reality TV show. “When the announcement was made, we obviously initially thought that Corbyn was going to be a Judge on Britain’s Got Talent, enhancing his public profile with his sympathetic, humanitarian approach to judging the contestants. Perhaps even taking the opportunity to present his appraisals of their acts from a Marxist perspective,” claimed Henry Cramp, deputy political correspondent for the Daily Norks. “But instead, it quickly transpired, he’d actually be performing some kind of act, running the risk of being ridiculed by...

Artificial Idiocy Jan05

Artificial Idiocy

Right now, my inbox is just full of people making demands of me.  For instance, I’ve got what appears to be one of those persistent requests from someone I supposedly know to ‘connect’ with them on Linkedin.  The problem is that I’m not a member of Linkedin and have no intention of joining.  Yet the emails keep on popping up, each time sounding slightly more irritated than before that I haven’t responded.  The trouble is that these things are all too often scams, the result of an acquaintance’s hacked email account, making me loathe to click on any part of it for fear of viruses and phishing attempts against my laptop.  Worse, I’m currently being harassed by some meerkats over some bloody cinema ticket deal which I’m apparently eligible for because I bought my car insurance via their site.  I can see that I’m going to be forced to take up the offer just to get them out of my inbox, despite it being pretty pointless as I rarely go to the cinema any more (I can’t afford their prices).  Moreover, I’m one of those strange people who likes going to watch films on their own and the offer has to do with getting two tickets for the price of one. But anything to stop them from pestering me!  But if it isn’t the meerkats, then it’s bloody Amazon wanting me to rate and review purchases. I mean, all that rating of the seller and the transaction, that’s fine, except that they also want you to leave a comment.  What do they want me to say?  Surely the number of stars you’ve given tells its own story? It’s the same with bloody eBay.  Mind you, even worse, every time I look at something and...

Zombie Justice Dec29

Zombie Justice

Should convicted criminals who die before they’ve completed their sentences be brought back from the grave to finish their punishment? This is the question currently vexing Britain’s right wing press, prompted by the recent conviction of a 101 year old peadophile. “It’s bloody ridiculous, it doesn’t matter how long a sentence the judge gives him, the bastard will have got away with it,” bellows Roger Pork, Crime Editor of the Daily Excess. “He succeeded in continuously offending for decades without detection or punishment. Now he’s finally been caught and convicted, the reality is that he won’t serve more than a year, two at the outside, before he pegs it! Even that time will probably be spent in a geriatric unit, he’s so decrepit! How can it be justice that his victims endured years of abuse at his hands, yet he gets to spend decades free?” Pork’s sentiment’s have been echoed by Superintendent Ted Beef, of North Wales Constabulary, commenting on the death of 76 year old convicted peadophile and former police officer Charles Ham, who expired in a prison hospital, only weeks after commencing a twenty year sentence. “There’s no doubt in my mind that he’s won again,” the officer told the Daily Excess. “The bastard used his painful and lingering death from terminal cancer to cheat his victims of justice.” Consequently, Ham has joined Pork and the Excess in calling upon the Ministry of Justice to investigate ways of preventing convicted felons from using death to cheat justice. “But just how do we bring them back?” asks Pork. “It has been suggested that the Prison Service should look into recruiting voodoo priests as prison officers. That way, whenever a prisoner turns up their toes, whether it be through illness, old age or suicide,...

Slay Ride Dec22

Slay Ride

This Christmas the UK finds itself in the grip of a major terror alert after several people died and many more were injured when a sleigh was deliberately driven into a crowded German market in Birmingham. Shocked eyewitnesses have described how the traditional seasonal transport – hauled by six reindeer – ploughed into the busy shopping crowd at the traditional festive market. “We heard this jingling of bells in the distance, but thought nothing of it – we just assumed it was a Santa hired to give the market some seasonal atmosphere approaching,” forty eight year old Joe Stonker told the West Midlands Sheep Shearers’ Gazette. “The next thing we knew, it was crashing into the market. It was moving at a fantastic speed – the reindeer pulling it had been whipped into a frenzy, foaming at the mouth and wild eyed! The people in its path didn’t stand a chance: I saw one old biddy go under its runners and at least one other trampled by the reindeer before the whole thing crashed into a Bratwurst stall!” Despite initial reports claiming that the crash was an accident, the authorities now believe that it was a deliberate terror attack, a view backed up by witnesses. “There was no way that was an accident,” declared thirty two year old Wanda Thunk in an interview with BBC Radio Solihull. “Whoever was driving those reindeer deliberately steered them and the sleigh into the crowd – they made no attempt to swerve to avoid people. In fact, I saw the sleigh deliberately change course to mow down as many people as possible!” Although the final death toll in ehat the press are calling the ‘Slay Ride’ isn’t yet known, police have confirmed that at least six people died,...

Throw a Brick at the Homeless Dec08

Throw a Brick at the Homeless

“I was just lying in my sleeping bag in the doorway of this shop one night, when this bunch of young blokes in suits started throwing bricks at me,” forty year old Maurice Tollard of no fixed abode, Manchester, told the Daily Norks. “When I shouted at them to stop, they just laughed and told me I should be grateful – it was for charity!” Whilst Tollard was fortunate to escape with only minor injuries, other rough sleepers haven’t been so lucky, with a Birmingham man suffering a fractured skull and another in London sustaining serious internal injuries. Witnesses have claimed tat all of the attacks were carried out by well dressed and well spoken young men and women, who always left the scene laughing and joking. The assaults have been linked by the press with a right wing news website’s Christmas Appeal for the homeless which, it is claimed, encourages its readers to violently attack rough sleepers. The site’s owner and editor, however, remains unrepentant over the ‘Throw a brick at the Homeless’ campaign. “Our appeal is entirely in line with our overarching philosophy of helping the poor to help themselves,” explains Julius Herpestan, of the Right On website. “We don’t believe in giving the underclass money – they’ll just squander it on drink and drugs – instead focusing on providing them with the material building blocks needed to change their circumstances.” In the case of the current seasonal appeal, the site is aiming to help the homeless improve their lives by giving them the means to build their own homes. “Obviously, we aren’t talking about building a mansion, or even a modest modern terraced hovel, just a crude shelter to protect them from the elements,” claims the twenty seven year old Cambridge graduate, who inherited his family’s fortune and is rumoured to be a financial backer of several populist right-wing political movements across Europe. “Just a few bricks for the walls, some polythene or even corrugated iron for the roof, erected on some waste land and hey presto – they have a home and an address, of sorts. No more excuses for sleeping in other people’s doorways or shirking work because of the lack of an address!” The site’s philosophy, he claims, is also behind the whole concept of throwing the building materials at their recipients. “Obviously, the whole ‘Throw a Brick at the Homeless’ thing is just a jokey tagline – we’d in no way encourage violence against down and outs,” Herpestan says. “The fact is that we believe in cutting out the middle man and all the bureaucracy it involves. We think it is far more efficient for our readers to supply these basic building materials directly to individual homeless people, rather than involve the state and all its expensive inefficiency, or do-gooding charities or even ourselves.” Despite Herpestan’s protestations of innocence, it has been pointed out that Right On has form for so-called Christmas Appeals which seemingly encourage violence against the poor and homeless. “Let’s not forget last year’s campaign, which involved encouraging their readers to ensure that the elderly and poor didn’t freeze to death during the winter months,” says Simon Crackson, Poverty Correspondent for the Sunday Bystander. “It was blamed for a spate of arson attacks on bungalows and several cases of tramps being set on fire.” Indeed, in one infamous incident, a well known Bristol homeless man, known for his extravagant facial hair, had his beard set alight by a gang of bankers as they left a Christmas party at a wine bar he had been begging outside. They later told the police that they were worried that he might freeze to death as overnight temperatures were set to plummet, so had acted to ‘warm him up’. They were subsequently given conditional discharges by the court after magistrates decided that the beggar was partially culpable for his injuries because he had...

Down With Xmas! Dec01

Down With Xmas!

As the beginning of December sees the UK slip into its annual spate of Christmas madness, characterised by frenetic high street spending, increased alcohol consumption and domestic violence, The Sleaze has secured an exclusive interview with Arthur Ardon, recently dubbed ‘The Man Who Hates Christmas’ by the tabloid press. “I must commend you on your stance on Christmas over the years – your publication has blazed a trail when it comes to exposing the sham that is the so-called ‘Season of goodwill,” the fifty three year old civil servant told us. “Down with Christmas, I say. It’s become a blight on our high streets – and its so bloody repetitive. It’s the same every year, but worse! Can’t we be let off Christmas one year for good behaviour?” To demonstrate some of his grievances, Ardon walked us through his local German Christmas market in Crawley. “I mean, just look at this over-priced tat!” he exclaimed, pointing at a stall festooned with huge sausages. “What have those got to do with Christmas? In fact, what gas Germany got to do with Christmas either? Just because Santa Claus is allegedly German, that’s no excuse! He’s probably a bloody war criminal, anyway. If one good thing comes out of Brexit it will be that these sodding foreign markets stop coming over here trying to shove their heathen Christmases down our throats!” Ardon shot to tabloid infamy after punching out the conductor of a Salvation Army band playing in his town centre. He told us that the incident occurred after he had been ‘pushed over the edge’ by the stress of trying to shop in the face of the encroaching festive season. “Why, year-after-year, must we be have to contend with crowds of people in the streets whose...

Left is Right Nov24

Left is Right

Following a US tabloid’s sensational claims that President-elect Trump is actually an alien, or a reptile, or perhaps even a Russian agent, a British political expert is alleging that Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is, in fact, a right-wing infiltrator, on a mission to destroy the party. “When are people going to open their eyes and realise that he’s some kind of Tory mole?” asks Dr Abe Penk, Senior Lecturer in Politics at Bracknell Horticultural College. “I mean, how else can you explain his apparent desire to undermine the Parliamentary party with threats of deselection and stuffing the shadow cabinet with his cronies, not to mention his alienation of traditional labour voters with his constant wooing of extremist crack pots like the Socialist Workers Party?  Week after week the incompetence and failed policies of the Tory government are presenting Labour with open goals, yet Corbyn misses every one of them, continually failing to hold them to account.  Who other than another Tory would keep letting them off the hook like that?” Writing in the New Democrat magazine, Penk has claimed that Corbyn is a deep cover agent, infiltrated into the Labour Party more than thirty years ago as part of a long-term plot by right-wing elements of the Tory Party to destroy the Labour movement from within. “I mean, who better to successfully infiltrate the Labour party as part of a long-term plot to destroy it from within than some middle class beardie weirdie drop out?” he writes in his article. “Nobody would suspect him, would they? He’s the stereotypical leftie, isn’t he? Perhaps too stereotypical to be true?” The clues to Corbyn’s true nature, the academic believes, are clear for anyone to see. “Despite of all his attempts to present himself as some kind...

We Trump in Peace Nov17

We Trump in Peace

According to President-elect Trump global warming and climate change is a hoax. A hoax perpetrated by the Chinese in order to make Western industries uncompetitive by saddling them with expensive environmental measures. However, a series of mysterious television transmissions, which have interrupted normal transmissions in several major US West Coast cities since Trump’s election victory, have seemed to claim that global warming is neither a hoax nor man made. The transmissions, most of which lasted only a few seconds, a male figure can be glimpsed through heavy interference, apparently trying to warn viewers that Trump is actually the mastermind behind climate change. Top supermarket tabloid the Weekly World Shopper claims to have identified the figure in the transmissions as noted conspiracy theorist and dry cleaning assistant Toby Bullwhelk. “Of course Trump wants you to believe that global warming doesn’t exist,” Bullwhelk told the newspaper’s editor Deke Spiggott, after the tabloid had tracked him to his mother’s basement in San Bernandino, where he is currently living. “As long as he can convince people that it doesn’t exist, the longer he and his kind have to let it take its deadly effect!” Astonishingly, Bullwhelk claims that not only does Trump want to deflect attention from the fact that he and his associates want global climate change, but that it is essential for them. “Let’s pause for a moment and stop to think just what climate change is all about,” he told Spiggott. “Which is factories and other industrial installations pumping vast amounts of noxious emissions into the earth’s atmosphere. Quantities which the global ecosystem simply cannot deal with. Consequently, over time, the earth’s atmosphere will become irrevocably changed. Indeed, it will eventually become incapable of sustaining human life, or any other type of terrestrial life for...

Beyond Satire? Nov10

Beyond Satire?

I’m thinking of giving up on the satire business. I mean, have you seen the US election result? How can I compete with that? Real life it seems, has gone beyond satire. If, four years ago, I’d written a story about how a billionaire bully with a string of failed businesses behind him and a string of sexual harassment allegations ahead of him, would beat Hilary Clinton to the presidency, it would have been treated as a ludicrous fantasy. Yet, here we are. It isn’t as if Trump’s election is an isolated incident: it’s happening all over. The Philippines, for instance, currently appear to have a homicidal maniac as president, who is waging a literal war on drugs by having anyone suspected of a narcotics connection summarily executed. Again, you just couldn’t make it up. As for the situation here in the UK, well, where do I start? Perhaps with the sight we’ve recently been treated to of Brexiteers who spent the EU referendum campaign banging on about how they wanted to ‘restore’ the sovereignty of parliament and have only British, not European, courts making judgements on British legal matters, stamping their feet and throwing tantrums because the UK’s High Court had ruled that parliament is indeed sovereign and therefore any Brexit deal concocted by the government must be approved by parliament. The media keep going on about how we’re living in the ‘post truth era’ – ‘post satire era’ more like. While we’re talking about the High Court judgement over Brexit, I was appalled to see that odious donkey faced creep Nigel Farage apparently inciting people to riot over it, before going to lead a march on the court itself. Now, I’m pretty sure that if he’d been a Muslim preacher or a...

Grabbed by the Octopussy? Nov03

Grabbed by the Octopussy?

“Look, someone has to step in here, to defend the octopus,” says top US lawyer Frank Warbler, who is preparing to file a lawsuit for defamation on behalf of the global octopus population. “All I’ve seen lately in the presidential campaign are headlines shouting how alleged groper and Republican Donald Trump was all over some of his alleged victims ‘like an octopus’. Since when has the octopus been synonymous with sex offending?” According to Warbler, he was initially approached by an octopus currently resident in a San Diego aquarium. “He was unhappy that, once these headlines started to appear, visitors to the aquarium started to mock him, calling him a groper and worse, dubbing him ‘Donald’, after Trump, “ he explains. “Having women cover their breasts with their hands as they approached him or, even worse, avoid his tank for fear of being groped, has been deeply traumatic for my client. Not only that, but the ‘Donald’ jibe is particularly offensive to him as he is a lifetime registered Democrat.” Speaking to the California Sea Food Digest, the lawyer explained that he was planning to sue not only the news outlets which had defamed his client, but also Donald Trump himself. “Clearly, if he hadn’t been going around allegedly molesting women, then the whole situation would never have arisen,” he told the periodical, adding that he was hoping to make the case a class action, so as to include any other octopus offended by being compared to Donald Trump. “Right now we’re investigating whether Trump actually imitated an octopus in any of these alleged gropings, in which case it could be argued that he was actually mocking my client, making him guilty of directly defaming him.” Despite scepticism from legal experts as to the validity of his claims, Warbler argues that there is s a clear implication in the newspaper headlines about the billionaire’s alleged groping that the aquatic mollusc is well known for molesting women, using its tentacles to inappropriately touch women in multiple places on their bodies. “Where is the evidence for these heinous allegations?” he demands. “Has an octopus ever been convicted for sex offences? I think not. Have there ever been allegations, even, of sexual misconduct on their part? Obviously not. Yet every time some public figure is accused of feeling up women against their will, the whole octopus analogy is brought up – with no justification. I mean, just because the octopus has eight sucker covered tentacles, that doesn’t make it a potential groper – having more hands doesn’t make anyone more prone to groping, does it?” The lawyer points out that one handed men are, statistically, just as likely to be the sort of man to try and cop a feel on, for example, a crowded tube train as a man with both hands. “Damn it, some of those prosthetic hands could be even better for groping,” he declares. “They’d surely give a firmer grip which the victim would be less likely to wriggle free from. So it’s no good playing the ‘more hands make for heavier groping’ argument to try and defame my client!” Warbler has engaged the services of famed oceanographer and marine biologist Jacques Custarde as an advisor and potential expert witness. Not only does he agree with Warbler that there is no credible evidence of any octopus sex offending, but has gone further, opining that it would actually be near impossible for the invertebrates to grope anyone. “The term groping implies the uninvited grasping of another’s private areas with one’s hands,” he told the Orange County Aquatic Review . “The fact is, however, that tentacles aren’t hands and, as far as I can see, wouldn’t be suited to groping anyway. Squeezing, perhaps, but not traditional groping. OK, I suppose those suckers might allow a form of nipple tweaking and a tentacle could achieve a pretty good slap across the...

Invisible Trump Oct27

Invisible Trump

As Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign for the White House appears to flounder, there have been astonishing claims that his bid for power has been sabotaged by an invisible man. “I know it sounds crazy, but it is absolutely true,” key Trump aide Kenny Strock told top supermarket tabloid the Weekly World Shopper. “All this stuff that Donald is being blamed for – it’s actually this invisible bastard!” According to Strock, who is in charge of leafleting in Wichita for the Trump campaign, all of the recent claims of Trump groping women are down to the mysterious invisible saboteur. “Every time Donald goes near an attractive woman, this invisible guy is there and starts feeling them up,” he explains. “Obviously, as the only person these women can see is Mr Trump, they slap him around the face and run off to the press alleging that he’s some kind of sex offender!” The campaign of sabotage has gone beyond groping women, with the invisible irritant also turning up during TV and press engagements, putting Trump off of his stride by whispering damaging words into Trump’s ear. “Every time Donald says something crazy, like Hillary being on performance enhancing drugs, or building walls along the Mexican border, it’s down to this invisible guy whispering the stuff to him,” Strock insists. “Everyone knows that when you’ve got someone talking shit in your ear, you just end up getting so confused you start repeating it out loud yourself.” Incredibly, Strock claims to know the identity of Trump’s invisible tormentor, naming him as Dr Daniel Westin. “He was a research scientist at a facility owned by one of Mr Trump’s companies,” says Strock. “He was working on a defence contract to produce improved stealth technology for the US military,...

Save the Children Oct20

Save the Children

“These bastards don’t look like children to me!” bellowed Jacob Jacksy, Tory MP for Regent’s Park South, as the first child refugees from the so-called ‘Jungle’ refugee camp in Calais, arrived in Britain. “Just look at them – half of them are over six feet tall and some of them have receding hairlines! It is quite obvious that our hospitality is being abused by asylum seekers and possibly even Jihadist fanatics trying to sneak into the UK disguised as children!” The right winger claims that two thirty-plus impostors have already been discovered by UK Border Force officials amongst the latest batch of children arriving from the ‘Jungle’. “They were wearing school uniform, had their pubes shaved off were and walking on their knees – these people are so bloody blatant! They are simply playing on the sympathies of bleeding heart liberals and celebrities to simply walk -or shuffle in this case – into the country,” he fumed. “Don’t misunderstand me, I have nothing against genuine child refugees coming here – in fact, I welcome them with open arms! But I just don’t have any use for these adult refugees – they’re simply no good at all! What are we supposed to do with them?” Jacksy’s complaints have been echoed by a prominent former colleague on the right of the party. “I was very disappointed when I watched the news footage and saw that many of these supposed ‘children’ were actually strapping lads with beards,” former Tory MP Roger Hump opined from his cell in the high security wing of Strangeways Prison, where he is currently serving a fifteen year sentence for child sex offences. “I mean, I’m sure there’s a market for them out there – probably around King’s Cross – but they simply...

Medical Magic Oct13

Medical Magic

“I thought I had an appointment to see a surgical consultant at the hospital, but instead I found myself faced by some kind of voodoo priest, slaughtering pigeons and dripping their blood all over me,” claims fifty three year old Hermione Glipp, who, earlier this year attended her local hospital in Bracknell with an ingrowing toe nail. “I mean, it all seemed quite normal at first – this nurse took me to the consulting room and told me to undress, put on a surgical gown, then lie on the bed until the consultant arrived – next thing I knew, this huge black man burst in and started shouting all these weird incantations! It was like something out of a horror film! Next thing I knew, he had all these other guys in the room beating drums and topless women swaying to their voodoo rhythms!” Investigations by The Sleaze have revealed that Miss Glipp’s bizarre experience was part of a secret government plan to counter the recent wave of strikes by junior doctors. “The hospital she attended was being used by the Department of Health as a pilot scheme during the last strike,” explains former junior doctor Jim Knacks. “The idea was to see if they could break the strike by employing blacklegs in the form of ‘alternative’ medical practitioners. Apparently it was a personal initiative on the part of Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, who is into all that sort of bollocks!” Glipp got off lightly, if the reported experiences of other patients who attended the hospital for treatment during the strike are to be believed. “I went in expecting a chemotherapy session,” cancer patent Ron Wickston says. “Instead, I found myself confronted by this bloke saying he was an aromatherapist. He reckoned he could...

Dumping Europe Oct06

Dumping Europe

“Look, it is a gross infringement of British sovereignty that we can’t dump our own sewage on our own beaches,” declares Gerard Storker, a local councillor in the popular seaside resort of Fircombe-on-Sea. “This whole ‘cleaner beaches’ business – requiring us to ensure that coastal sewage outlets are long enough to stop effluent washing up onto the beaches – foisted on us by the EU is outrageous. I just thank God that, come ‘Brexit’, Englishmen will once again be free to have beaches as filthy as they like!” Storker – who has represented UKIP on Fircombe council for more than a decade – is one of many local politicians who are looking forward to being released from the yoke of European red tape and regulations now that the UK has voted to leave the EU. Convinced that repealing EU environmental regulations will bring prosperity back to Britain’s beleaguered coastal resorts, Storker is already urging his local council to draw up plans for new, post-’Brexit’, sewage disposal arrangements. “There’s no doubt that our seaside towns have been in decline ever since Brussels started to insist that we cleaned up the beaches,” he insists. “It took away part of the essential essence of the British beach – people expected to see untreated sewage sweeping in on the tide, for God’s sake! I remember that when I was a boy it was considered great sport to dodge the floaters as they came in on the waves! Being chased up the beach by a ‘brown trout’ was a highlight of a day at the beach! Besides, without all those turds stinking away on a hot day, all you can smell at the seaside now is the rotting seaweed. I know which I prefer!” Under Storker’s proposals the town’s...

Saint Corbyn Sep29

Saint Corbyn

With Jeremy Corbyn’s recent re-election as leader having seemingly strengthened his grip on the Labour Party, the question remains as to exactly what is the appeal to his fervent supporters of this sandal wearing, vegan, beardie weirdie peacnik? In search of an answer, The Sleaze has spent the last few days at Labour’s annual conference. Despite Corbyn’s lack of charisma, learship skills or intellectual horsepower, he seems to instil in his devotees an almost religious fervour, with them viewing him as some kind of political messiah. “Well, it’s not as if there aren’t parallels, is it?” Adele Frukeston, a biology student and self described ‘Corbynista’ told us. “Just look at the initials: ‘JC’. Plus the fact that he spent years wandering in the wilderness, resisting the temptations of Diane Abbot, before emerging as leader. Most recently, of course, he’s been ‘crucified’ by the Parliamentary party, yet has risen again to smite the ‘Blairite’ bastards!” The most devout ‘Corbynistas’, like Frukeston’, are even prepared to ascribe ‘special powers’ to their idol. “There’s no doubt that he has an aura about him,” she breathlessly informed us. “I’ve even heard that a couple of older delegates have claimed to have had their lumbago and arthritis cured after Jeremy brushed past them at the conference! Some people are saying that by the end of this conference we’ll have enough evidence of miracles on his part to have Jeremy canonised! ‘Saint Corbyn’, imagine that!” At least one of Corbyn’s critics isn’t surprised that his support seems to centre around a quasi-religious cult of personality. “I know there are a lot of people who would like us to believe that he’s some kind of ‘Socialist Messiah’, bringing the true creed of pure socialism back to a Labour Party corrupted by...