Being Evil May23

Being Evil

“It was bizarre – as if people all of a sudden couldn’t find me,” says a still bemused Oliver Standproud, recounting how, last month, he found himself apparently disappearing off of the social map. “The phone just stopped ringing, people stopped tweeting me, the number of friends I had on...

Abattoir! (Cleaver, 2009) and Abattoir 2 (Cleaver/Swill Films, 2010) May16

Abattoir! (Cleaver, ...

DIRECTORS:  NICK CUTLET/FRANK SWILL . RUNNING TIMES:  95 mins/83 mins. DVD: BRAZEN FILMS. PRICE: £10.99. CERT: 18. An attempt to answer the perennial question, ‘Is the horror movie dead?’, Abattoir! represented a bold riposte to the seemingly endless instalments of tired old franchises like...

The Bottom Line

Arses – philistines will argue that they have only two uses – either you sit on ‘em or shit out of ‘em. However, the more sophisticated amongst us know that the bottom is something truly special. Which of us, both male and female, hasn’t admired a shapely backside in motion? And...

Not Unusual?

Veteran entertainer and The Voice UK  judge Tom Jones has been sensationally accused of decades of sexual abuse by a Glamorgan pensioner. Sixty nine year old Grandmother Myfanwy Rogered has claimed that the sex bomb of the valleys has consistently abused her over a fifty year period, with his...

Unhealthy Competition Apr25

Unhealthy Competitio...

It’s probably a surprise to many of you that I’m still publishing stories here, let alone posting editorials. But the fact is, despite the catastrophic decline in traffic this year, (on top of the catastrophic declines in traffic of the past three years, or so), resulting from Google’s...

Head of State Apr18

Head of State

Prime Minister David Cameron shocked the world when, during his predecessor Maggie Thatcher’s state funeral, he pulled the deceased former Tory Party leader’s severed head from a bag and brandished it at Labour politicians sitting in the congregation at St Paul’s cathedral. “I just couldn’t...

Who Killed Maggie Thatcher? Apr10

Who Killed Maggie Thatcher?

“It was definitely murder – they clearly offed her with a pillow over her face because she knew too much about the Jimmy Savile scandal,” Rudolf Hambone has claimed on his daily internet radio show. Right On. “I mean, does anyone really believe that nonsense about an eighty seven year old woman with her life ahead of her dying from natural causes, completely out of the blue?” As the world reels from the news of the passing of the sainted former Prime Minister, celebrated conspiracy theorist and right-wing commentator Hambone is asking the question: who killed Maggie Thatcher? Rejecting the official story that she died peacefully in her...

Nude Man Rises Apr04

Nude Man Rises

Metropolis had Superman, Gotham City could boast of Batman, now Lewisham too, appears to have acquired its very own superhero – Nude Man. Recent weeks have seen a spate of sightings of this exciting new crime fighter – whose true identity remains a mystery. Local resident Thomas...

Behind the Blue Door

Behind the Blue Door, a new film which threatens to blow the lid on the most sordid behind the scenes secrets of long-running popular BBC science fiction series Dr Who is causing consternation amongst fans who claim to have seen leaked copies of the script. “It’s an absolute travesty! A piece...

Pope a Go Go!

“The first thing he said when shown the papal apartments at the Vatican was ‘There is room for three hundred people here’ – next thing we knew the place was packed with raving clergymen!” says Cardinal Hugo Strangler, describing the changes being wrought in the Vatican by the recently-elected...

The Devil’s Triangle Mar14

The Devil’s Triangle

“It’s been responsible for more disappearances than the Bermuda Triangle,” claims top conspiracy theorist Franklin Klench at the launch of his new book, Mysteries of The Bermondsey Triangle. “This anomaly lies in the heart of our capital city, yet the authorities deny its very existence!” The thirty four year old’s self-published tome claims that, over a period of more than a century, hundreds of people, buses, cars and even trains, have vanished without trace in an area of Bermondsey in South London demarcated by triangle drawn between Bermondsey tube station in the North, Elephant and Castle stations in the West and South Bermondsey rail...

Zero Double D Mar04

Zero Double D

Did Osama bin Laden actually survive the US special forces assault on his secret compound in Pakistan? Is the evil terror genius behind a sinister new plot to bring the West to its knees? A new book by a former US Navy SEAL – who claims to have been involved in the raid that allegedly killed...

Interesting Times Feb28

Interesting Times

Who’d have thought it, eh? All those times we said ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse’, it turned out that we had been, for years, as it turned out. But hey, I don’t know what people are complaining about – contrary to popular belief, we have a long history of eating horses here in the UK....

Horsing Around Feb21

Horsing Around

A Tory MP is controversially claiming that the so-called ‘horse meat scandal’ blighting the UK’s food industry actually lies behind the country’s success at the 2012 London Olympics. “Don’t those idiots at the Food Standards Agency (FSA) and the bloody press realise that they are jeopardising...

Vatican Sex Scandal?

The shock resignation of Pope Benedict XVI has sparked intense speculation as to the reasons for his sudden decision to step down from the Papacy, with rumours of a sex scandal being the favourite explanation. However, Father Emilio Gazungas, the Jesuit priest in charge of Vatican security,...

Outfoxing Boris Feb11

Outfoxing Boris

There are growing calls for Boris Johnson to be culled, following claims that the London Mayor had bitten off a baby’s finger in South London, after he had entered the child’s bedroom through an open window. “I walked into the room to find the bastard standing over her cot, with the baby’s...