"Getting into the reader's mind set..."
FIEND WITH THE TABLOID BRAIN!
PUBLIC OUTRAGE AS NEWSPAPER TYCOON REVEALS SINISTER PROJECT TO RIP HEADLINES DIRECTLY FROM MINDS OF READERS! BRAINS OF COMATOSE SUBJECTS STIMULATED WITH ELECTRODES IN QUEST TO PRODUCE MORE RELEVANT CONTENT!
"Licensed to kill - and masturbate..."
THE SEX ASSASSINS
WHY DID THE US ARMY PAY SOLDIERS TO STARE AT PORN? NEW FILM CLAIMS EXISTENCE OF TOP SECRET 'SEX OPS' PROGRAMME TO TRAIN CADRE OF ASSASSINS WHO CAN REMOTELY KILL USING TANTRIC SEX TECHNIQUES! ALLEGATIONS THAT SEXUAL ENERGY PROJECTION TECHNIQUES BASED ON NAZI RESEARCH!
GOING FOR GOLD
CONFUSION AS LONDON MAYOR SUGGESTS BUTTOCK SKIING AND HORSE PUMMELLING BE ADDED TO EVENTS FOR 2012 OLYMPICS! INTERNATIONAL OLYMPIC COMMITTEE RESIST PROPOSALS TO MODERNISE TRADITIONAL SPORTS TO MAKE GAMES MORE RELEVANT TO MODERN UK YOUTH!
PORN TO BE WILD
HAS TOP PORNOGRAPHER DISCOVERED ENTIRELY NEW SEXUAL POSITION? CAN NEWLY PERFECTED TECHNIQUE REVITALISE AN ADULT INDUSTRY INCREASINGLY DOMINATED BY VIOLENT EXTREME PORNOGRAGHY? CLAIMS THAT ADVENT OF INTERNET PORN HAS HAS FUELLED DEMAND FOR EVER MORE BIZARRE SEX AS CUSTOMERS GROW BORED WITH CONVENTIONAL PORN!
FOOTBALL CRAZY
TRAUMATISED ENGLAND FANS CLAIM WORLD CUP DEFEAT TO GERMANY LIKE 'BEING CASTRATED'! REPORTS OF MASS IMPOTENCE IN WAKE OF SOUTH AFRICA DEBACLE! FEARS OF CIVIL UNREST AS DISGRUNTLED FOOTBALL SUPPORTERS BURN REPLICA SHIRTS AND ISSUE DEATH THREATS AGAINST ENGLAND PLAYERS!
MORE STORIES FROM THE SLEAZE:
LAST OF THE SMOKING SEA BIRDS
WERE HEAVY SMOKING SEA BIRDS BEHIND GULF OIL SLICK? OIL EXECUTIVE'S ASTOUNDING ALLEGATIONS INSPIRED BY TOP PALAEONTOLOGIST'S THEORIES THAT CIGARETTES LED TO EXTINCTION OF DINOSAURS!
INVESTING IN DEMOCRACY?
ARE TORIES PREPARING TO LITERALLY BUY THE GENERAL ELECTION? RIGHT WING THINK TANK PROPOSES WHOLESALE PURCHASE OF VOTES TO AVOID HUNG PARLIAMENT! SUGGESTS CANDIDATES' CLAIM BRIBES BACK ON EXPENSES ONCE ELECTED!
WACKO JACKO WHACKED?
WAS MICHAEL JACKSON ASSASSINATED BY MUSIC INDUSTRY BOSSES TO BOOST RECORD SALES? INDUSTRY INSIDER ALLEGES MASSIVE CONSPIRACY TO ELIMINATE TROUBLESOME MUSIC STARS FOR MERCHANDISING OPPORTUNITIES AND TO PROTECT LEGACIES FROM SCANDALS!
ADVENTURES OF A TRIBUTE MESSIAH
ACCOLADE OR BLASPHEMY? BRITAIN'S TOP JESUS IMPERSONATOR REVEALS HIGHS AND LOWS OF BEING A TRIBUTE MESSIAH! DESCRIBES DAYS OF GROUPIES, WILD MOTORCYCLE STUNTS AND COMMUNION WINE BINGES IN THE SERVICE OF THE LORD!
COOKING UP TROUBLE
TOP CHEF LAUNCHES BLISTERING ATTACK ON TV COOKS! CLAIMS MODERN CUISINE BEING RUINED BY PRETENTIOUS FOOD, OBSESSIVE HYGIENE AND EGO-STROKING CELEBRITY CHEFS! RESTAURANT CONDEMNED BY CUSTOMERS, CRITICS AND ENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH!
WELL HUNG PARLIAMENT
WAS NICK CLEGG SEDUCED BY THE SMOOTH CHARMS OF OLD ETONIAN DAVID CAMERON? SPECULATION RUNS WILD AS LIB DEM LEADER SPURNS 'ROUGH TRADE' GORDON BROWN TO FORM COALITION WITH CAMERON AFTER BEING WINED AND DINED BY TORY LEADER!
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
MORE SOFT SOAP
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND - OUR GUIDE TO WHAT'S GOING ON IN YOUR FAVOURITE SOAP OPERAS! THIS TIME: VINTAGE EPISODES OF CORONATION STREET, BROOKSIDE AND CROSSROADS REVIEWED!
FLUSHED WITH LOVE
FAMOUS 'WATER SPORTS' ENTHUSIASTS EXPOSED! STARS MIX SEX AND EXCREMENT AFTER CELEBRITY GURU PROCLAIMS MEDICINAL PROPERTIES OF DRINKING OWN URINE!
SOFT SOAP
OUR HANDY GUIDE TO WHAT'S GOING ON IN YOUR FAVOURITE SOAP OPERAS! VINTAGE EPISODES OF EASTENDERS, EMMERDALE AND NEIGHBOURS REVIEWED!
