Bare Beneath the Burqa

A new documentary, Bare Beneath the Burqa, is set to expose the bizarre world of Islamic fundamentalist pornography. “All those crazy Jihadists might spend their time denouncing the sexual decadence and depravities of the West, but the truth is that they are just like the rest of us – they have just the Same sorts of sexual urges as the rest of us, which have to find a release somewhere,” explains film maker Jed Herkoff, who has spent the past eighteen months researching and documenting the murky world of Muslim extremist smut. “There’s a popular misconception in the West, perpetrated by the media, that the way these guys get their rocks off is by beheading Western hostages, with their swords represented as obvious penis substitutes. But nothing could be further from the truth – they commit those atrocities for the greater glory of Allah. Getting any kind of sexual thrill from them would be a mortal sin.” With their religion’s strict rules on female modesty, Muslim fundamentalist pornography, Herkoff was to discover, has to take bizarre measures in order to present its devotees with naked Islamic babes. “When we first discovered a cache of extremist jazz mags in Iraq, in a town liberated from ISIS by Kurdish fighters, we were truly shocked by what we saw,” he says. “We were expecting page after page of girls wearing only a niqab, posing provocatively with Kalishnikovs and severed heads, but instead were confronted with cover-to-cover photos women striking provocative poses whilst clad head-to-foot in burqas – but they were naked under those burqas!” According to the documentary maker these magazines were just the fundamentalist equivalent to western soft core pornography. “We quickly learned that there was also the ‘hard’ stuff – magazines with pictures in which the women give a glimpse of ankle,” he says. “We also heard talk of films featuring women bare beneath The burqa having simulated intercourse with men – who are also beneath the same burqa. Apparently all the thrashing about under the cloth is considered highly erotic!” Critics of the new film have accused Herkoff and his team of having allowed themselves to be duped, asserting that they are the victims of an elaborate, but obvious, practical joke. “It’s just ludicrous, isn’t it? Bare Beneath the Burqa – it’s a contradiction in terms, for goodness sake,” declares Eric Prickenger, film critic of the Sunday Bystander. “I mean, I hate to state the obvious, but what proof do they have that these women actually were naked, or even women? It could just have been a bunch male Jihadists in full battle dress under those burqas!” But Prickenger’s view has been roundly rejected by one of the participants in the film, Anwar Krappah. “Believe me, they are most definitely women and they are most definitely naked,” the former Jihadist turned extremist pornographer, who Herkoff interviewed at length in his documentary, asserts. “You just have to look at the way the burqa sometimes clings to the curves of their bodies – they’re so damned sexy! Not to mention those alluring looks they give you through those eye silts – pure filth!” In the film, Krappah explains how he had switched career from front line ISIS fighter to editor and publisher of some of the most popular adult magazines in the so called ‘caliphate’. “The truth is that I was never a very good fighter – I accidentally shot more of our guys than I ever did any infidels! Then there was the time I beheaded the wrong hostage – luckily I’d forgotten to switch the video camera on, so nobody saw it,” he told Herkoff. “I realised that my real role was in keeping up our fighters’ morale, by providing them with top totty! Believe me, after a hard fought battle and a few massacres of civilians, there’s nothing a Jihadist likes better than to see some naked, yet...

Celebrity Sex Addicts...

Michael Douglas, Robbie Williams, Charles Hawtry, – all of these men have, at one time or another, been described in the press as ‘sex addicts’. But just what is this alleged affliction? Is it a genuine disorder, causing real distress and requiring expensive treatment, or is it merely a convenient excuse for libidinous celebrities to justify their increasingly empty sexual excesses? Dr Tom Reltney, Director of the ‘Downshires’ Sex Clinic, firmly believes that sex addiction is a very real, and very serious, problem. “People may like to laugh about it”, he says. “But its a very serious matter for the sufferers. If they fail to regularly satisfy their sexual urges, they can suffer serious physical damage, including ruptured testicles, grossly inflamed penises and even severe internal bleeding and muscular strains, as they try to hold in dangerously high levels of sexual energy!” In severe cases the damage can become permanent. “President Franklin D. Roosevelt ended up confined to a wheelchair as a result of his sexual urges being repressed”, Reltney reveals. “His wife Eleanor was either unwilling or unable to satisfy his gargantuan sexual appetites, but worse than that, she prevented him from finding other physical releases for it. Consequently, FDR tried to divert his sexual energies into other avenues, taking the US into World War Two in 1941. But even that wasn’t enough, and he finally succumbed to his affliction in 1945!” However, the very act of satisfying their urges can also prove harmful to the sufferer. “Over-indulgence can result in extreme exhaustion, premature ageing and even death. Just look at the toll sex addiction has taken on Michael Douglas, for instance”, warns Reltney. “Or take the case of Errol Flynn, he never held back from relieving his inherent erotic tension. Consequently, by...

Blue Heaven Jan18

Blue Heaven

“People are so poor that they are having to rely on food banks to feed their families and what are the government doing? They’re building a massive secret space station with all the money they’ve supposedly saved through their spending cuts, that’s what!” Former Tory advisor Llewellyn Bungalow has claimed in a recent podcast for Practical Conspiracies magazine. “For the past five years they’ve been constructing this secret space station. That’s where all the public money they’ve supposedly been ‘saving’ has gone: into a series of secret rocket launches to carry the materials for the station’s construction in geosynchronous orbit above the UK.” The station, Bungalow claims, is huge, dwarfing the International Space Station. “Obviously, they’ve ensured that it is invisible to radar, so its existence isn’t suspected by any of the other world powers. The rockets taking the materials into orbit for its construction were all secretly launched from those deep coal mines they’ve shut,” he says. “This project – known as ‘Operation Blue Heaven’ – has been in the planning for decades, they were just been waiting for the opportunity to seize power again in order to start implementing it.” According to the thirty two year old, during their thirteen year exile from power, it had become obvious to senior Tories that the kind of rapacious capitalism they favoured would be unsustainable in the long term as it would quickly deplete the world’s resources. “They knew that they needed an escape plan, a safe haven they could retreat to whilst the world fell apart,” he claims. “Somewhere they could live in luxury, having ransacked the earth’s resources, without the inconvenience of having to put up with the poor, the disabled and the needy.” Not surprisingly, Bungalow’s extraordinary claims that the government is...

New Year Dishonours Jan07

New Year Dishonours

Let’s start the new year with a long overdue editorial. Although, I have to say that right now I feel too exhausted to rant effectively – my return to work after the blissful freedom offered by the Christmas break seems to have been more traumatic than ever this year. Despite my tiredness, I was still able to note the publication of the New Year’s Honours List and I couldn’t help but notice that, once again, my name wasn’t on it. I ask you, what do I have to do get even a measly British Empire Medal? Apart from making a whacking great contribution to Tory party funds, obviously. Simply in terms of services to sleaze, I’ve surely gone above and beyond over the fifteen plus years this site has been online. I mean, come on, f you can get a knighthood for ‘masterminding’ a Tory election victory, then surely writing stories about demoniacally possessed toilets, George Osborne finding a dead prostitute in his hotel room and David Cameron’s secret past as a porn star (to name but a few) should earn me at lease an MBE? Damn it, Barbara Windsor has been made a dame for services to bingo and being groped by Sid James in 1969, (her noble sacrifice of throwing her breasts in the path of his wandering hands saved countless young women from being felt up). But would I really want to be on that honours list? Well, there’s a part of me which would like to be offered something like that just so that I could tell the establishment to ‘fuck off’ by turning it down. Except, of course, that nobody ever gets the chance to do that publicly as, apparently, you get sounded out before the list is ever...

Nude Labour Dec31

Nude Labour

Troubled Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn looks set to face more criticism in the New Year after plans for a Labour Party nude calender were leaked to a top tabloid. “As we’ve come to expect from the pinko commie bastard, the whole exercise is incredibly disrespectful to, well, everyone,” claimed this morning’s editorial in The Shite. “Every month is a calculated insult to one cherished British institution or another. It’s an absolute disgrace and yet more evidence, as if any was needed, of Corbyn’s utter unsuitability ever to be Prime Minister. Surely he must resign after this debacle?” Amongst the images troubling the tabloid is that accompanying February, which alleged portrays Deputy Labour Leader Tom Watson naked ans apparently taking a Leon Brittan look-a-like from behind. “Clearly, an utterly outrageous attempt to continue a baseless allegation of child molesting made against the late Leon Brittan, this image alone oversteps the bounds of decency,” splutters the paper’s editorial. “As for April, which features Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell celebrating the start of the new fiscal year by lying naked on a bed covered in money, his genitals barely hidden by a pile of fifty pound notes – utter filth! It is close to treasonable that the Queen’s face on those notes could be touching his penis! His defiling of the Queen’s currency is tantamount to sexual assault by proxy!” The month which is causing The Shite the most consternation, however, is November, which, the paper claims, shows a shocking disrespect for those British servicemen who have fallen in battle. “The picture for November has Jeremy Corbyn himself, naked in front of a war memorial, his genitalia hidden by a poppy,” The Shite‘s editorial claims. “Whilst one might have thought that the peacenik beardie bastard would at least...

Christmas Curse! Dec24

Christmas Curse!

Why does a quiet English village live in fear of Christmas? How is the property known locally as ‘Castle Christmastein’ connected to a series of violent seasonally-themed murders? A casual visitor to the apparently sleepy Somerset village of Little Dongler in December could be forgiven for thinking that that it was, in fact, the most Christmas-obsessed village in Britain, with every house festooned with lights and every garden packed full of inflatable Santas and illuminated reindeer. Decorations also hang from every street lamp, cover the local post box and the village green is dominated by the largest Christmas tree outside of Trafalgar Square, its branches weighed down with lights and other decorations. Beneath the tinsel, however, local residents live in a state of terror throughout the festive season. “I remember the good old days, when hardly anybody bothered with those bloody external decorations – people just had an artificial tree and a few bits of tinsel up in their living rooms,” seventy four year old retired sub-postmistress and spinster of the parish Edna Crimple told The Sleaze. “But then the murders started and we all realised the only defence was to cover our houses in all that Christmas crap!” The first killing occurred five years ago, when local curmudgeon Walter Burncock was found brutally slain in his living room, apparently beaten to death with a Christmas tree. “It happened the day after the old sod had cut down the village Christmas tree, which he reckoned was blocking the light from his front room,” recalled Miss Crimple. “It hadn’t been of course – it was the scrawniest specimen of a tree the tight wads on the parish council could find – but that was old Walter for you. Anyway, he’d obviously enraged his killer, who...

Super Sized Terror Dec17

Super Sized Terror

Following the UK Chief Medical Officer’s announcement that obesity in women now represents as grave a threat to the country as Islamic fundamentalist terrorists, the Metropolitan Police, its resources already stretched to the limit by the ‘war on terror’, announced its emergency anti-obesity measures. “We’ll be deploying specialist mobile squads of officers to target those women who are on the cusp of moving from merely ‘well built’ or ‘chubby’ to full blown obese,” Deputy Assistant Commissioner Hugh Jass told a packed press conference at Scotland Yard. “As soon as one of these women is seen out in public, about to consume a fatty food which might push them past the obesity tipping point, these specially trained officers will rush to the scene and knock the cream cakes, chips or kebabs from their hands. Obviously, such operations will be highly dangerous – those super sized terrorists are likely to be so ravenous that they’ll try to take a bite out of the arresting police officers – which is why all personnel assigned to these operations will be issued with full body armour and tasers.” With resources so thinly stretched as they attempt to simultaneously fight wars against both terror and fat, the Metropolitan Police admit that they will be heavily reliant upon the public in their fight against flabby women. “We’ll be calling upon ordinary citizens to keep their eyes open for any potentially obese women and alert us via our special ‘Fat Phone’ line,” Jass informed the press. “So, if you happen to peering through your chubby neighbour’s window and see her about to tuck into a Mars Bar, gives us a call and the rapid response unit will attend as quickly as possible. Of course, all tips of this kind will be treated...

Conspicuous Consumption Dec10

Conspicuous Consumption

“At a time when most medical experts agree that obesity is the biggest threat to the nation’s health, we have stupid bastards like Osborne effectively encouraging over consumption in the poor,” declared Dr Dick Puller, deputy editor of top medical journal The Catheter, following the announcement of Chancellor George Osborne’s new scheme for boosting economic growth. “I’m telling you that the NHS just won’t be able to cope with the upsurge in obesity-related illnesses if they actually go ahead with this crazy scheme!” Faced with the continued decline of Britain’s manufacturing sector, with output declining alarmingly as demand for its products stagnates, the government is to impose consumption quotas on Britain’s poor, requiring them to consume a fixed number of British produced goods and products every month. “Failure to meet their quota will lead to their benefits and tax credits being cut or suspended,” claimed an appalled Puller. “The result will be some of the worst nourished families in Britain literally force-feeding themselves huge quantities of British farm products like full fat milk, fatty foods like bacon and carbohydrate high potato products! An explosion of obesity, heart disease and bowel cancers will be the inevitable result!” Ed Clax, a researcher with right-wing think tank Blue Sky Thinking, has dismissed Puller’s criticisms of the plan, labelling them ‘hysterical’ and ‘unhelpful’. “I really don’t know what the problem is – the government are constantly being criticised for allegedly penalising the poor to the point that they can’t even afford to eat, yet now they propose to actually feed them, the left still aren’t happy,” he asserted. “This is a ‘win-win’ situation: these poor bastards get to eat more food than they can dream of and British food manufacturers and farmers see demand for their products soar, encouraging them in increase production! Best of all, the poor people won’t have to pay for it, as the food will be bought by the government, using savings gained by cutting the welfare budget.” According to Treasury sources, the Chancellor was inspired to create his bold new scheme after watching former Cabinet colleague Eric Pickles competing in an international extreme eating contest. “Eric’s a multiple champion for extreme eating – he’s taken on and beaten the best in Europe: Angela Merkel, ‘Fatty’ Soames, the lot,” the source told The Sleaze. “You should see him in action – the way he shovels all those cakes, hot dogs, bacon rolls and the like into his mouth is inspirational. Who says Britain can’t still produce world beaters?” But stuffing the poor full of fatty foods is only the first part of Osborne’s plan to stimulate economic demand, according to Ed Clax. “Obviously, it isn’t just food production and agriculture which need boosting: it’s every sector of British manufacturing, from furniture makers to the automotive industry,” he explained. “So, after the food, the next stage will be to start giving them stuff like white goods, sofas, beds, even cars, every month.” The poor, however, won’t be allowed to simply keep and use the goods. “Obviously, if everyone suddenly had all-new everything in one go, them demand would simply stagnate again, after the first month,” the researcher claimed. “So they’ll have to, quite literally, consume their whole quota of goods every month, so that they can receive and consume another lot the next month.” Having ‘fattened up’ the poor with the initial quotas of free food, the government believes that their now increased appetites will leave them craving sustenance. “With the food cut off, eating their sofas and washing machines will be the only option,” chuckled Clax. “You’d be surprised at the nutritional value in most consumer goods. We’ve calculated, for instance, that a compact Nissan car could sustain a family of four for a month.” The medical profession has condemned this newly unveiled part of the Chancellor’s scheme, warning of the detrimental effects on the health of those forced...

Escape From Taliban Dec03

Escape From Taliban

DIRECTOR:  PERVEZ JAMBHUTTI. RUNNING TIME: 122 mins. DVD: EASTERN PROMISE. PRICE: £12.99. CERT: PG. Unlike Hollywood, India’s Bollywood has never been afraid of taking the burning issues of the day and instantly turning them into colourful exploitation squarely aimed at the mass market. Following the tradition of International Commandos – which depicted the fearless attempts of Islamic warriors to carry out the Fatwah against Salman Rushdie – this movie is an all-singing, all-dancing extravaganza depicting the events surrounding the attack on the World Trade Centre and its aftermath. Opening like a Hugh Grant-style romantic comedy, a deceptively genial first half hour shows quiet Delhi University librarian Ghita Nennen being wooed by the apparently equally shy Kamal Kaifa, a mature student from Afghanistan studying at the University. However, following their spectacular wedding, the elaborate dance routines and jaunty love songs quickly give way to far grimmer scenes, as Kaifa whisks his bride away to his home in a remote Afghan mountain village, where his father is a prominent local Taliban official. He quickly reveals his darker side, growing a long straggly beard and forcing his spirited young wife to wear a burkah and adopt a position of subjugation, telling her that from now on her sole purpose will be to bear him at least ten children. Much domestic violence, always carefully choreographed as song and dance routines, follows. Nennen endures an especially brutal beating after she rebels and succeeds in persuading the local village women to cast aside their traditional Islamic dresses and indulge in frivolous activities such as dancing to decadent Western pop music. An elaborate dance sequence featuring the women – now clad in tight-fitting low-cut dresses gyrating around the village to strains of Kylie Minogue, teasing their outraged men-folk by tugging their...

Winterval Appeal Dec03

Winterval Appeal

It seems an opportune moment both to launch our annual appeal and to reaffirm our commitment to the ongoing campaign to replace Christmas with an all encompassing non-denominational twelve day mid-winter festival: Winterval. But back to The Sleaze‘s annual appeal. Taking a cue from that 2007 Blue Peter Christmas appeal which asked its viewers to send in unwanted CDs and DVDs, which were sold to raise money for Barnardo’s young carers throughout the UK, I’m going to ask my readers to send me in their DVDs. You know the ones I mean – the ones you can’t possibly send in to a kids’ TV appeal. The ones which have suddenly become too hot to have around the house now your girlfriend has moved in, the ones your mother nearly found when she was cleaning your room the other day. Those DVDs. So, instead of sending them to Blue Peter in hope of embarrassing Konnie Huq, as many of you did back in 2007, send them to The Sleaze. Whilst there is no way that there was ever going to be a Blue Peter market stall featuring the likes of Zoe Salmon trying to flog stuff like Anal Asian and All Hands on Dick 2: Das Butt to viewers’ older brothers and pervy uncles, I can promise you that your prized wanking aids will go to a good home where they will be lovingly cared for. Whilst any donations to The Sleaze won’t be used to raise money for good causes, they will make an old git very happy. Hopefully, this appeal will be as successful as last year’s in which, also inspired by Blue Peter appeals of the past, we asked you to send in tin foil milk bottle tops and wrappers so that...

Code Brown Nov26

Code Brown

Jihadist group ISIS have claimed responsibility for the huge turd which recently brought Brussels to a standstill. The gigantic jobbie was found in a public lavatory at a Metro station in the Belgian capital, causing the closure of the entire system after the authorities were forced to declare a ‘Code Brown’ . “It was so big that the end of it was sticking up out of the bowl – it was like someone had been trying to flush a huge brown whale down the pan. I shudder to think of the internal damage that must have done to whoever passed it,” British businessman Victor Trock, who claims to have discovered the giant smoker told Sky News. “I was desperate – touching cloth, in fact – when I rushed into those toilets. I shoved open the door of the first stall and there it was! The stench was appalling – like something had died – I was immediately gagging and retching!” The evil stench quickly wafted through the air conditioning and permeated the whole Metro system, forcing the authorities to evacuate and close it down. Whilst accepting that this action undoubtedly saved lives, Trock was left disgruntled by his treatment at the hands of the Belgian Special Forces. “They all came piling into the toilets and bundled everyone out – they refused to let me take a dump in one of the other cubicles,” he complained to Sky News. “Obviously, by that time I was desperate and had no choice but to shit myself – you can add my trousers to the list of victims claimed by this latest terrorist atrocity.” With Brussels on lock down, the Belgian authorities were faced with the problem of safely disposing of the titanic turd. “Simply flushing it away...

Hollywood Radicals

In an extraordinary development in the ‘War on Terror’, a number of top Hollywood and showbiz celebrities have reportedly ‘declared war’ on terror group ISIS, condemning the organisation for its recent deadly attacks on civilian targets in Paris. In a now removed You Tube video, a masked figure, rumoured to be one of tinsel town’s biggest stars, berated the Islamic fundamentalists for killing over a hundred ordinary French citizens without warning. “It is utterly outrageous that they should be targeting normal, insignificant, people who are just going about their mundane lives,” the figure reportedly ranted. “These people are nobodies – killing them will achieve nothing! And why Paris, the capital of the most hated country in the world? The rest of the globe will just think that they deserve everything they get, the arrogant bastards, always looking down their noses at the English-speaking world! Quite frankly, it is an insult to the most talented artists in the world that ISIS have failed to target Los Angeles – a city full of top celebrities! Believe me, if they want publicity, all they have to do is off a single movie star and the world will keep talking about it for decades!” Ralf Halberd, who claims to have seen the video before it was pulled from the video sharing site, told the Cricklewood Reporter, his local newspaper, that the mystery figure claimed to be representing a group of top US celebrities disgruntled at the fact that terrorists had consistently ignored them as potential targets, despite their financial worth, global fan bases and undoubted political influence. “He ranted on for ages about how important to the global economy mega stars like him and his friends were and how half the world looked to them as moral and...

Breaking the Silence Nov12

Breaking the Silence

The furore over Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn’s alleged display of disrespect for war veterans by failing to incline his head sufficiently whilst laying a wreath at the Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday, looks set to be eclipsed by new allegations that the Queen broke wind during the two minute silence. “I’m amazed that the press haven’t made more of it – she audibly farted whilst standing in front of the Cenotaph during the silence,” former soldier Peter Prodger told the Daily Norks. “I say audibly – it was so loud that it rattled every window in Whitehall and they were still feeling the aftershocks half an hour later in Knightsbridge!” According to the retired Lance Corporal – who served in Catterick, Aldershot and Warminster, seeing action and receiving wounds in a vicious battle with local insurgents in a Guildford night club – the media has conspired to try and cover up the Royal flatulence. “Everyone there could hear it – I know that they started playing the ‘Last Post’ earlier and louder than usual to try and cover up the noise of her fart, but the TV and radio microphones must have picked it up,” he told the tabloid. “I can only assume that they deliberately muted the sound as soon as they heard what was happening. As for the newspapers – I suspect that the government slapped a ‘D-Notice’ on them to keep it all under wraps!” The Daily Norks has conducted its own analysis of TV coverage of the Cenotaph survey and claims that its sound engineers have been able to detect the distinct sound of a fart. “It comes toward the end of the two minute silence and is very nearly drowned out by the playing of the ‘Last Post’, but after...

Reactionary Bullshit Nov05

Reactionary Bullshit

I make it a rule never to argue with drunks. Not even when I’m drunk myself. But especially not when I’m sober – alcoholic intoxication impairs the ability to reason, which means that it is impossible to engage in any kind of logical debate with a drunk. So, in this editorial, you are going to get what I didn’t say to some drunken idiot in the pub a while ago. An idiot who gate crashed a conversation I was having with the Landlady about so-called ‘reality’ television. This individual’s ‘contribution’ to the conversation was the usual denouncement of ‘reality’ TV as worthless rubbish, but they then went on to pour out the usual utter bullshit as to how television generally was responsible for the decline of Western civilisation – apparently it was the reason for supposed declining standards of literacy, the decline of book sales and the erosion of ‘civilised’ values. The trouble with this ‘argument’, apart from the fact that it has no evidence to back it up, is that you’ll find the same cobblers being said about radio, the cinema, the popular press, horror comics, probably even music halls, in the pre-television era. It seems that there are certain sections of society that always needs a convenient scapegoat, in the form of whatever, at that moment in time constitutes mass popular culture, to blame the supposed ills of the world upon. Nowadays we’re beginning to move from TV being the main culprit to the internet and video games. The reality is that the amount that children read and the level of their literacy has more to do with the environments in which they grow up than the allegedly pernicious influence of TV. Hell, I watched a lot of TV growing up. I...

The Haunted Trousers Oct29

The Haunted Trousers

“I just felt that I had no other choice – these trousers were making my life unbearable,” thirty eight year old Nobby Hobbs told The Sleaze, as a Catholic priest knelt in front of him, waving a crucifix at the open fly zipper of his trousers whilst reciting the Lord’s Prayer. “Once it became obvious that these strides were haunted by the restless spirit of a sex offender, exorcism seemed the only logical solution.” The process, however, has turned out to be more complex than the Wokingham supermarket shelf stacker expected. “I thought that it would just be a case of some priest sprinkling them with holy water and incanting some mumbo jumbo for a couple of minutes – but this has been going on for four hours already,” he explained. “The fact that this geezer has insisted that I have to be wearing the trousers has just made it even worse. But, apparently, the spirit possessing these trousers is very powerful and difficult to cast out – he’s tried everything: waving a smoking censor in front of my crotch, invoking the Archangel Michael to intervene (I felt a very strange sensation round the back when he did that – like someone had thrust their hand into my back pocket) and even thrusting his hand through the open zipper and rummaging around in there (he said he was performing some holy gestures to ward off evil). He reckons that it could take several sessions over a period of weeks to fully exorcise these trousers! I knew I should have got someone from the C of E to do it, but I figured that the Catholics are better at all this mystical bollocks!” Hobbs ordeal began two months ago, when he purchased the perfectly ordinary...

Corbyn’s Coven Oct15

Corbyn’s Coven

In a series of astonishing allegations, a Tory back bencher has claimed that, far from being on a walking holiday in the Scottish Highlands, the real reason for new Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn being unable to attend a ceremony to swear him in as a member of the Privy Council was that he was attending a meeting of his local witches’ coven. “It’s no secret that Corbyn is a pagan, in thrall to all manner of heinous deities, indulging in vile religious rites which openly mock those of the Church of England, of which Her Majesty is head,” Sir Hubert Fockley-Fireplace, MP for South Cockshire, told the Daily Norks earlier this week. “I have no doubt that he feared an exorcism, or worse, if he entered our beloved Majesty’s presence, which is why he keeps dodging the ceremony.” According to Fockley-Fireplace, Corbyn isn’t just an ordinary witch, rather he is the High Priest of the coven in his North London constituency. “It should be obvious to everyone – I mean, just look at that beard! It’s the type of beard you see High Priests in horror films wearing whilst they are about to sacrifice some nubile young virgin they have tied, naked, to their altar!” he informed readers of the tabloid. “Everybody knows that beard wearers are evil – just look at Fidel Castro, or The Master in Dr Who, before the programme succumbed to political correctness gone mad and turned him into a woman!” The veteran back bencher is in no doubt that Corbyn and his coven are black witches, dedicated to evil. “Believe me, he’s not one of those white witches – some harmless nutter who thinks they can use their magic to get their hens to lay eggs,” he spluttered. “I...