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Alien Excrement

Is giant asteroid alien spaceship or alien excrement? Top astro-plumber claims Oumuamua is actually huge extraterrestrial turd excreted by gigantic aliens. Demands earth authorities take immediate action to address risk of planet being devastated by alien steamer strikes.

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Outdated Sexual References

Apparently these days people need to be warned that the past was different from the present. The TV schedules are full of shows with the premise of: 'Wasn't TV horrible in the past?' They are full of micro celebrity millennial types looking aghast at the terrible racism and sexism on display in the carefully chosen clips of seventies TV programmes they've just been shown...

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Call of the Monstrous

Local council broadcasts mating calls of infamous monsters in hope of attracting them to town. Plans to cash in on international reconstruction funds when town destroyed by rampaging sex mad giant creatures.

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My Mother the Transgender Ghost

Can gender fluidity exist beyond the grave? Can spirits 'cross over' after they cross over? Man sues local medium after dead mother's spirit manifests itself – but in male form.

Body Shoppers

Was company behind UK body parts scandal planning to set up online ‘body shopping’ site? Extraordinary claims that target ‘body shoppers’ would have included mad scientists, necrophiliacs and shady clinics catering to the ultra rich.

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Terror of the Sexes

Are feminist extremists out to demonise all single men as potential rapists? Tory politician makes extraordinary claim that men being forced to go gay or transgender in order to avoid anti-male persecution. Alleges that militant feminists plotting to have men treated like terror suspects.

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The Novichok Experience

City of Salisbury seeks to exploit novichok attacks to rebuild local economy. Local entrepreneurs set up ‘Novichok Tours’ and fake nerve agent attack experiences for tourists. New ‘Novichok’ perfume planned.

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Killer Drillers

What is Drill Rap? Is it a new power tool based youth craze, or a sinister military parade inspired dance movement? UK media commentators ridiculed for ignorance of musical genre they are blaming for current wave of London youth violence.

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In the Public Interest?

“Honestly your Honour, I was acting in the best interests of the local community when I burned down my eighty five year old neighbour’s garden shed. I had very reliable information from a bloke down the pub that he was actually running a drug factory from there…”

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I Fought Hitler’s Ghost

London man claims he was assaulted by Hitler’s ghost following his steamy affair with the spirit of Eva Braun. Charged with affray following ferocious battle in high Street with phantom Fuhrer.

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Universal Hate

Government announces introduction of new ‘Universal Hate’ policy, under which all existing forms of hate crime, regardless of whether it is racial, religious or gender based, will be amalgamated into one single type of hate. Ministers hope new system will simplify process of hate crime for perpetrators, victims and police.

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Amazon Crime

Amazon denies allegations of involvement in the recent drone attack on Venezuela’s President Maduro. Conspiracy theorists claims that internet giant offering drone delivery of bombs for terrorists dismissed as ‘ludicrous’ and ‘unfounded’. Existence of ‘Amazon Crime’ division denied.

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Hard Remain

Anti Brexit group proposes ‘Hard Remain’as alternative to ‘Hard Brexit’. In event of winning second referendum, Remain Forever movement will demand UK join Eurozone, Schengen Area and open borders to mass immigration. Also claims UK must pay more for privilege of EU membership.

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Night Caller

Who or what are behind Radio Midnight, the mysterious phone in radio station which has allegedly been terrorising unsuspecting Britons in dead of night? Up and down the country there have been reports of phones ringing during the witching hour, with anyone answering them finding themselves confronted by the so called ‘Night Caller’, who claims to be from Radio Midnight. The deep voiced mystery man then proceeds to probe them on the most intimate aspects of their lives, claiming that the conversation is being broadcast to the nation on Radio Midnight.

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Is Meat Murder?

Militant vegans eaten by lions as they shout ‘Meat is Murder’ at big cats. Anti carnivore group affirms ambition to ‘convert’ predatory animals to vegetarianism. RSPCA brands ‘carnivore conversion’ programme ‘animal cruelty’ as allegedly successful subjects die of malnutrition.

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Never Say Novichok Again

Is latest Novichok attack further evidence that UK government being held to ransom by international crime syndicate? Or is Boris Johnson the criminal ‘mastermind’ behind plot to blackmail Prime Minister into implementing ‘Hard Brexit’?

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The Queen is Dead, Hurrah!

So, I was reading the other day as to how when the Queen finally shuffles off this mortal coil, we’ll get two extra bank holidays: one for the funeral, one for the coronation of her successor. Which means that we’ll have to hope that she pops her clogs during the Summer so that we’ll have the best chance of being able to fully enjoy these extra days off…

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Taking Back the Streets

Man startled by ‘living statue’ vows to ‘take back the streets from the street entertainers’, Claims that public spaces increasingly cluttered by presence of untalented and intimidating street ‘performers’. War declared on jugglers, buskers, living statues and other ‘performers’ of no artistic merit.

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Postmark Evil (1998)

Shot on the streets of Smethwick, Postmark Evil is an insane mix of horror and crime featuring an apparently demonic postman searching for a stolen artefact possessed of evil powers. Made on a miniscule budget, it is part of a cycle of direct-to-video exploitation releases produced by and starring Reg Smedley, all filmed in the West Midlands.

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Match Made in Heaven?

Match Made in Heaven? Top tabloid announces plans to create own celebrity couple, with exclusive rights to stream entire relationship, reality TV-style. Every significant event, from first intercourse to eventual spectacular break up will be available to subscribers.

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