The Haunting of Simon Cowell

Behind the scenes sources at ITV’s X-Factor are claiming that the programme’s production team is in the grip of panic ahead of the Halloween edition, with rumours of seances and Ouija boards being used to try and contact producer and judge Simon Cowell. “My sources are telling me that no one has seen him since last week’s show,” claims Daily Norks showbiz reporter Bruce Poke. “Although, confusingly, many of the production team and contestants have claimed that they can still feel his presence around the studio, with many reporting the sensation of having him standing behind them and looking over their shoulders as they...

The Ghost Gropers Oct16

The Ghost Gropers

With Halloween approaching, church leaders and child safety groups have issued warnings over the dangers of a new supernatural craze sweeping Britain’s youth. “It seems to be derived from the nineties horror film Candyman, where saying the eponymous character’s name five times in...

Benefits of Terror Oct09

Benefits of Terror

The government’s so-called ‘Workfare’ scheme, whereby the long-term unemployed are forced to take unpaid ‘work experience placements’ or face losing their benefits, appears to have taken a sinister turn, with a young Briton, claiming to be on a placement with a...

Parliamentary Nudes Oct02

Parliamentary Nudes

The government is bracing itself for more embarrassment amid rumours that a further batch of nude photos of prominent Tory Ministers and MPs are set to be released online. Still reeling from last week’s release of candid naked photos of cabinet ministers, including Foreign Secretary...

Witches of Westminster Sep25

Witches of Westminst...

The government has found itself accused of hypocrisy following claims that top cabinet ministers resorted to witchcraft in order to ensure a ‘No’ vote in the recent Scottish independence referendum. According to a report in today’s Daily Norks, Prime Minister David Cameron,...

Better Together? Sep18

Better Together?

Prime Minister David Cameron stands accused of deliberately undermining the ‘Better Together’ campaign in order to ensure a ‘Yes’ vote in this week’s referendum on Scottish independence. “Why else was he so insistent on making those personal appearances in...

Naked Fame Sep11

Naked Fame

First off, I’d like to assure anyone reading this that are no naked pictures of me out in the cloud (or anywhere else, for that matter), just waiting to be stolen by hackers and published on some forum or photo-sharing site. I know that will be a huge relief to those of you still...

The Dead That Crap Sep04

The Dead That Crap

A former relief worker has sensationally claimed that governments, the United Nations and World Health Organisation (WHO) have all been lying to the public about the Ebola outbreak currently raging through West Africa. “As if the cholera outbreak itself isn’t bad enough, now the victims are rising from the dead as zombies – shitting zombies!” Jim Jubblyz told journalists after crashing a London press conference for a British nurse who had survived an Ebola infection he had contracted whilst working in Sierra Leone. . “I don’t know what’s causing it – experimental pesticides used on local crops,...

Sex Crimes Future Pa...

A tabloid newspaper is claiming that newly uncovered documents reveal that former Radio One DJ Jimmy Savile’s sex crimes were far more extensive, not to mention shocking, than previously suspected. “It’s incredible, but old Scotland Yard witness statements from the 1880s,...

Cult of Isis Aug21

Cult of Isis

“I don’t know about you, but this whole ISIS business in Iraq has got me confused. I mean, just what are Islamic jihadists doing getting involved with ancient Egyptian goddesses?” asked junior Foreign Minister Hugh Gripe in a recent interview with the Daily Excess. “Surely true Muslims...

Right is Wrong Aug14

Right is Wrong

“Look, we’ve been lied to for decades. The fact is that the Nazis were the good guys! We, the Yanks, the Russians and all the other allies, we were really on the side of evil! But because we won, our leaders were able to rewrite history and turn everything around!” forty one year old...

Taking Liberties Aug07

Taking Liberties

“I came home from work and there he was – David bloody Cameron sat in my living room going through the browsing history on my laptop. Talk about taking liberties!” thirty one year old civil servant Brian Follock recently told his local newspaper, the Camberley Free Advertiser and Evening...

Suicide Celebrities

“How my spirits soared at the recent headlines that Richard and Judy had entered into a suicide pact,” enthuses top celebrity gossip columnist Roland Filtheart. “At last, I thought, these minor league celebrities and daytime TV detritus are finally accepting that they no longer have any...

Crackpot Conspiracies Jul17

Crackpot Conspiracie...

It really feels as if the fabric of our so-called reality has finally been pulled asunder to reveal that we’re actually living in some kind of conspiracy theory where every public figure is actually a depraved sex offender protected by the establishment. Everything we ever suspected now...

Right to Forget Jul10

Right to Forget

According to a leading psychologist, large numbers of Britons have been left severely traumatised by the recent conviction of once popular children’s TV star Rolf Harris for serious sexual offences. “There are a variety of traumas being manifested,” Professor Roger Persil, of the...

Celebrity Sex Crimes

According to newspaper claims, disgraced veteran children’s TV star Rolf Harris, recently convicted of several serious sex offences, could also now be facing treason charges. “He wasn’t satisfied with molesting young girls, it seems he also subjected Her Majesty, The Queen to...