Full English Coup Jun23

Full English Coup

With the EU referendum looming, disturbing reports as to the ‘Leave’ camp’s contingency plans in the event they lose the poll have emerged. “They just aren’t going to accept a vote to remain in the EU, regardless of the margin of victory,” says Tiberius Fooker, a former ‘Leave’ campaigner who has recently defected to the ‘Remain’ camp in an article in the Daily Norks. “They’re on a mission to seize control of the UK in a ‘Full English Coup’ and implement their crackpot schemes, the EU referendum is just a convenient excuse. If they can carry out a peaceful coup by winning the poll, all the better, as far as they are concerned. But with opinion polls indicating that the result is on a knife edge, they’re preparing military action!” According to Fooker, the ‘Leave’ camp has a whole paramilitary structure ready to seize strategic institutions. “A lot of it is down to Iain Duncan Smith and his military background,” explains Fooker in the ‘Remain’ supporting tabloid. “He’s recruited all these ex-squaddies from his old regiment and has got them ready and waiting to seize post offices, police stations and town halls all over the country. In London, they are planning to seize all the main government buildings and departments.” Sceptics in the ‘Leave’ supporting right wing press have poured scorn on the claims, pointing out that most of former Guards officer Duncan Smith’s former military colleagues would now be nearing retirement and in no fit state to carry out a coup in the face of Britain’s current armed forces. “What do you think all those cuts in defence spending over the past six years were about – austerity?” asks Fooker, who claims that the anti-EU paramilitary coup has been in years in the...

Red Blooded Bigotry

“God damn it, we’ve got to take this opportunity to pump these limp wristed homos full of good straight redneck blood,” the Reverend Horatio Dump told the Weekly World Shopper, available at supermarket checkouts throughout the mid west, as he organised emergency blood donations in the aftermath of the mass shootings at an Orlando gay nightclub. “Once those boys have had a couple of pints of blood group hetero, they’ll be true red blooded American males with eyes only for women’s breasts and butts and a desire to stick their privates in the right orifices!” Dump, a colourful local figure who heads his own ministry, the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Shit Kickers, has been accused by both media and local community leaders, of trying to exploit the tragedy in Florida in order to advance his own homophobic agenda, something he strongly denies. “Look, there’s a reason they don’t let these gay boys and lesbian ladies donate their blood in this state,” he declared. “They don’t want to take the risk of their tainted blood turning good straight folk the other way, let alone infecting them with all that AIDS and other sick stuff swilling about in their veins. So, the only way to save the injured is to pump them full of good straight blood. I’m just trying to ensure maximum survival rates by recruiting the fittest most virile donors available – who all happen to be strapping heterosexual rednecks. Every one of them a gun owner.” He also denies that his belief that homosexuality can be cured via blood transfusion is unscientific nonsense. “What’s nonsense is this cock-eyed modern liberal mumbo jumbo that being gay is somehow ‘natural’ and in the genes – it’s a disease,” he asserted. “Like...

Boris Goes Ape Jun09

Boris Goes Ape

“It was his own fault – if he hadn’t gone near that child it would never have happened,” Roger Boner, a spokesperson for the Metropolitan police told the press following the shooting of former London Mayor and Brexit campaigner Boris Johnson earlier today. “People saw this great hulking beast holding a small child by the arm and they just panicked – it was like that business in Cleveland all over again, when they shot that gorilla after that kid climbed into its enclosure.” The full circumstances of the Boris Johnson incident still aren’t entirely clear, all that is known is that the right wing buffoon was campaigning in South London for the ‘Leave’ movement in the run up to the EU referendum. He was apparently addressing an open air public meeting when the child somehow managed to climb onto the podium. “All Boris was trying to do was to remove the child from the podium to a place of safety,” Algernon Plank, an anti-EU campaigner who witnessed the whole incident told a local newspaper. “But a section of the crowd – probably remain supporters – assumed that he was putting the child at risk and started screaming at Boris, which just panicked him and put him on the defensive.” Other witnesses, however, are adamant that the former Mayor was behaving aggressively. “He was holding the child over his head with both hands and snarling at the audience,” Remain supporter Fred Frick claimed. “I don’t see how that can be construed as being ‘protective’ – quite frankly, I was convinced that he was about to scale the nearest tall building, dragging the kid with him!” The family of the child say that they have no idea how he ended up on the podium with Johnson....

Boris: Top Trumper? Jun02

Boris: Top Trumper?

Who is the British media personality hiding behind the latest super injunction?  This time the gagging order, rather than hiding any sexual indiscretion, is apparently to prevent any reporting of a bitter dispute between a well known politician and his neighbours, who have alleged that his early morning farting has turned their local area into the ‘Windy City’ and is disturbing their peace, damaging their property, causing mental anguish and lowering house prices in their street.  “It might sound like a joke, but we aren’t talking about regular farting here – I’ve heard it for myself and it borders on Krakatoa-level eruptions,” says Brian Wiffler, Deputy Political Editor of the Daily Norks, who has investigated the story, but been prevented from publishing it due to the injunction. “His next door neighbours sent me a recording – it’s truly ear-splitting – but they couldn’t identify themselves, the perpetrator, or even the address, for fear of being found in contempt of court!” The anti-social behaviour in question allegedly occurs every morning, when the personality in question gets up and goes into his bathroom. “He just lets them rip – an entire night’s worth of trapped wind in a series of increasingly violent farts,” claims Wiffler. “Sometimes it goes on for half an hour. Sure, everyone sits in their toilet and has a bloody good fart every morning – but not on this scale!” Wiffler has succeeded in speaking to the family most affected by the anal aural assaults, although he can’t identify them, other than as ‘Family W’, or reveal their location. They are understandably angry and frustrated at the situation, feeling that ‘outing’ the individual in question as a social menace would most definitely be in the public interest. Most of all, they are distraught at...

Three Line Whip May26

Three Line Whip

Is a new code of conduct needed for sex workers? That’s certainly the view of Tory back bencher Joseph Fotheringham-Cock, whose private members bill proposing the introduction of binding non-disclosure contacts upon sex workers employed by the rich and famous, is currently having its first reading in the Commons. “It really is getting out of hand, these women selling their ‘kiss and tell’ stories to the press, revealing, in lurid detail, what they’d been doing with the great and the good in private,” the MP, who is currently the subject of a series of sensational revelations in the Daily Norks, concerning his liaisons with notorious Kensington dominatrix ‘Saucy Sarah Spankbottom’, under the title ‘Three Line Whip’, explained to the House. “Frankly, I’m shocked that the rich and famous apparently can no longer rely upon the discretion of the sex workers they use. Damn it, shouldn’t a chap be able to expect lifelong silence when he’s paid good money for their services?” He denied vehemently that his Bill was in any way frivolous or motivated by purely personal considerations.  “I don’t think that it is at all a waste of parliamentary time attempting to impose legal restrictions on escorts and other ladies of the night – these constant scurrilous stories are in danger of bringing government business to a halt every time one of them names a minister.,” he claimed. “It becomes impossible for the poor buggers at the centre of these so called ‘sex scandals’ to get on with their proper business without being pilloried and ridiculed, completely undermining their credibility.” Indeed, Fotheringham-Cock believes that sex workers should themselves be welcoming his initiative, as it would, effectively, give legal recognition to their professional status. “By imposing client confidentiality upon them, it would put them...

Destroy All Beards May19

Destroy All Beards

“I know it might seem like a really crap superpower, but believe me, it could prove to be the salvation of mankind,” declares thirty seven year old Albert Nackler, who claims to have developed the power to remotely wipe the beards from the faces of hipsters. “I know that I’ve only destroyed the one hipster bear so far, but with proper training to harness my new power, I’m sure that I can rid the world of them all.” Nackler discovered his bizarre power as a result of a long-running parking dispute with one of his neighbours. “The hairy peasant from number thirty nine kept parking in the space I rent in the council car park, despite the fact that his permit is for on-road parking only – I pay four times what he pays for the privilege of putting my vehicle in that car park, so as not to have to fight for a space on the street,” the Thatcham stationary salesman explains. “The bastard just sneered at me when I confronted him, claiming that he could park where he liked after six o’clock – which is utter nonsense. That section of the car park is clearly for permit holders only. All day. On top of his arrogance, he sported this ridiculous hipster beard. All straggly and unstyled, it looked like he had some kind of fungicidal infection on his face. For some reason, it enraged me beyond all reason!” Nackler found himself obsessed with his neighbour’s unruly facial hair. “Every time I saw him, I just kept beaming the thought ‘You look like a hairy twat with that beard’ at him,” he reveals. “I kept doing it for weeks: whenever I saw him parking his car illegally, whenever I saw him with his...

Dead Scandalous

Just who are the celebrities hiding behind the latest crop of super injunctions? Whilst Britain’s tabloids have been desperately attempting to get the injunctions preventing them from naming the celebrities involved in alleged three-in-a-bed romps, or the subject of kiss-and-tell revelations from former sex workers lifted, one journalist believes that he might have uncovered the extraordinary truth behind the – censored – headlines. “When I first read in the US magazines that the celebrity involved in the kiss-and-tell injunction was a major A-List British actor, I felt sure that it going to turn out to be Sir Ian McKellan,” says Ronnie Toe, Showbiz Correspondent for the Daily Norks. “He was in all those Hobbit films, wasn’t he? Not to mention X-Men. If that doesn’t make him A-list, I don’t know what would!” Sir Ian’s sexual orientation and the fact that the former sex worker at the centre of the story was female didn’t deter Toe from pursuing the story. “Listen, that’s what made the story so sensational – let’s face it ‘famous man pays call girl for sex’ is hardly shocking any more, let alone a news story worthy of the front page,” he explained. “But ‘leading self avowedly gay star’s secret straight sex shame with prostitute’ is just about the most sensational sex scandal headline you can have these days!” So enthused at the prospect of Toe’s speculative exclusive was the Daily Norks, that it even had a front page mocked up and ready to roll should the combined legal might of Britain’s gutter press get the super injunction lifted. “We were hoping that it could be the first of a series in which we ‘Inned’ well known, supposedly gay, celebrities,” says Toe. “The idea was to expose the way in which unscrupulous...

A Hundred Rants May05

A Hundred Rants

Momentous days here at The Sleaze, if we still ran the old numbered issue system, we’d now be on our hundredth issue. Which means, logically, that this must be the hundredth editorial. A sobering thought – this is the hundredth time I’ve cobbled together a collection of my angry, incoherent rantings and tried to pass it off as some kind of editorial comment. You know, I think I’ve got away with it up to now. I’d like to be able to refer you to the very first editorial we published, so that you can compare and contrast. Sadly, the earliest editorials were lost during one the site’s many transitions over the years – I probably still have copies, but I think that they are locked up on the hard drive of a now defunct PC. But don’t worry – you haven’t really missed anything: just select a few editorials at random from the existing archive and you’ll get the idea. I don’t think my various obsessions, psychoses, whinges and rants have changed much over the years. In fact, I’ll give you a quick digest: Tory bastards, Google is evil, shoot the rich, up the revolution, end management bullshit, death to capitalism. I think that about covers it. But here we are in this historic hundredth editorial – what shall we talk about this time? It isn’t as if we’re short of pressing issues, is it? I mean, there are those allegations (from the electoral commission, no less) of massive election expenses fraud by the Tories in last year’s general election, (something the BBC and the rest of the media, except Channel Four, seem remarkably reluctant to cover), then there’s the whole anti-Semitism storm the right are trying to whip up around Corbyn and the...

Celebrity Killers

The most recent spate of celebrity deaths – including Prince, Ronnie Corbett and Victoria Wood – has left many in the entertainment industry suspecting that a sinister plot lies behind the holocaust o the past few months. “It started at Christmas, with Lemmy from Motorhead, since then not a week has gone by without some household name or other turning up their toes,” Tommy Jinks, former Showbiz editor of Vague magazine recently told The Sleaze. “I ask you, what are the odds of that, eh? It surely can’t be coincidence – something has to be going on!” The journalist rejects the conventional theories which have so far been advanced to explain the recent high mortality rate amongst celebrities, which have included decadent lifestyles finally catching up with some stars and generational explanations which point to the explosion in the number of celebrities since World War Two. “Sure, there are more celebrities than ever before so, statistically, there are bound to be more deaths, but not on this scale, surely,” he muses. “I mean, I know that there’s a whole generation of old time celebrities now lurching into their dotage, but with the kind of health care they can afford, there’s no way they’d be popping their clogs at this rate. As for the unhealthy lifestyle business, well, we all know that the likes of Lemmy, Bowie and Prince popped pills, drank oceans of booze and snorted every substance known to man, but how does that explain Ronnie Corbett, or Paul Daniels? Nobody is going to convince me that they were secret coke heads!” Jinks instead suspects that the answer to the mystery of the celebrity deaths has already been answered – and ridiculed by his colleagues in the entertainment industry. “Maybe crazy man Randy...

I Shagged a Celebrity

A few years ago I investigated the world of the suburban ‘Celebrity Shag Club’, whose middle class, middle aged membership devote themselves to collecting sexual experiences with the rich and famous, (writes John Pilchard, Chief Investigative Reporter for The Sleaze). Whilst they boasted an impressive roster of sexual encounters with some very high profile celebrities, they admitted that they had no authenticated stories of bizarre sex with celebrities. Consequently, I invited readers of The Sleaze to send us their stories of perverse celebrity sex romps for publication. Well, after three years, we finally got a response and, after consulting our lawyers, are pleased to present the celebrity bonking experiences of one ‘Kid Leather’, a professional brass rubber from Tonbridge, Kent: “I once had a three in a bed romp with Rod Hull and Emu. He insisted on wearing that bloody bird puppet during sex. In fact, his foreplay consisted entirely of him using Emu to attack my breasts and attempt to peck off my nipples. At one point during our lovemaking he stuck its beak right up my arse. Jesus, that was so painful I shrieked! He thought I was climaxing. I have to say though, that of the two, Emu was the more considerate lover. Apparently someone once caught him in his dressing room, using Emu to wank himself off before a kiddies TV show. Or perhaps that bit was just made up. But both he an Emu did have sex with me.” As proof of this celebrity smut session, ‘Kid Leather’ sent us a signed photograph of Rod Hull and Emu, showing the bird, quite literally, ‘goosing’ her. Incredibly, this letter was shortly followed by a second letter, this time describing a scenario ‘Celebrity Shag Club’ members rated as their top unfulfilled celebrity sexual encounter: being picked up by a top star for some dirty sex. The letter is a real corker, from one ‘Grand Duchess’, revealing a little known side to one of Hollywood’s biggest movie stars: “Back in the Summer of 1973 I was hitch hiking home to San Francisco from Seattle when, late one afternoon, a black Trans Am soddenly pulled up beside me. The door opened a vaguely familiar voice asked “Do you want a ride kid?” Imagine my surprise to discover the driver was none other than John Wayne – the Duke himself! Although I was a freaked out, long-haired hippie peacenik, the Duke had no hesitation in offering me a lift back to ‘Frisco. Several times during the trip he touched my thigh with his right hand – he claimed that it had slipped whilst changing gear, but the car was an automatic. When we finally arrived outside my apartment building, he leaned across from the driver’s seat and kissed me on the cheek. I immediately asked him up to my apartment for “a coffee”. Of course, as soon as we got through the door we began to rip each other’s clothes off and engaged in mad passionate lovemaking for the next four hours. We continued this homosexual affair in secret until his death in 1979. The Duke claimed that he had wanted to ‘come out’ for years and said that he’d thought he’d given enough clues as to his true sexuality in all those westerns and war movies where he never got the girl, but preferred to hang out with guys and horses. Indeed, he claimed that he’d been shooting a movie about a gay cop in Seattle, but I don’t recall ever seeing him in such a movie -maybe the studio suppressed or re-shot it. Knowing your editor’s encyclopedic knowledge of crap movies, John, perhaps he could enlighten me?” Well ‘Grand Duchess’, after consulting the esteemed Doc Sleaze, I can tell you that the film in question was McQ, which, as you surmised, was completely re-edited by the studio to remove any references to homosexuality. However, it is notable...

Diversionary Tactics Apr14

Diversionary Tactics

“Do you really think that it was coincidence that a story about the Archbishop of Canterbury’s true parentage broke just as the Prime Minister was becoming embroiled in the tax avoidance scandal precipitated by the publication of the ‘Panama Papers’?” asks investigative journalist Chas Bender. “It was clearly a diversionary tactic, intended to distract the public from David Cameron’s tax problems and the rest of the fall out from the ‘Panama Papers’. Just look at the way the news media kept on with the Archbishop story, putting at the top of every news bulletin all weekend, despite the fact that it was really of interest to no one other than the Archbishop himself, and virtually ignored the fact that thousands of people were marching on Downing Street demanding Cameron’s resignation.” According to Bender this, and many other ‘news stories’ have, in fact, been invented by a shadowy secret spin doctor working for Conservative Central office, in order to divert the electorate’s attention every time the government finds itself floundering in the face of serious economic or political crises. “This time it didn’t work – they really cocked it up by not making the diversionary story sensational enough,” he explains. “I mean, who cares if his real father turned out to be Winston Churchill’s private secretary? If they’d had any sense they would have had it that Churchill was the one who’d cuckolded his old man. Possibly in the stationary cupboard at the 1955 Downing Street Christmas party. In fact, they should have said that it was shagging the Archbishop’s mother which gave Churchill that massive heart attack which forced him to resign. Now, that might have had a chance of pushing the ‘Panama Papers’ off of the news agenda.” When the story that the...

Ban the Bounce! Apr07

Ban the Bounce!

With the government divided over Europe, facing serious terror threats, in crisis over immigration, its economic policies in disarray and the Prime Minister linked to dodgy tax evasion schemes, one Tory back bencher believes that the true existential threat to the UK lies elsewhere. “I’m demanding that bouncy castles be banned forthwith,” Bernard Dickworth, MP for North West Bedfordshire told the Bletsoe Bugle. “These blown up bastards pose a major threat to life and limb – people just don’t realise the number of casualties they claim every week! They have to be stopped!” Dickworth’s bizarre, but impassioned, pleas follow a series of giant inflatable related deaths – the most recent victim being a young child – in his constituency. Despite the local council pointing out that all of the fatal incidents involving bouncy castles were simply tragic accidents, most likely the result of health and safety regulations not being observed, the MP remains adamant that something far more sinister is afoot. “Obviously, they want us to think that they were just accidents,” he told the local newspaper. “It’s all part of the strategy to lull us into a false sense of security. Just like the way they turn up at children’s parties, village fetes and fun fairs, with their bright colours and promises of innocent fun, luring our children into their maws – then they strike, claiming innocent victim after innocent victim! If they aren’t collapsing on people and suffocating them, then they are mysteriously coming loose from their moorings and blowing away, with their victims trapped inside.” Dickworth’s anti-inflatable rhetoric has been blamed for a recent spate of attacks on bouncy castles in Bedfordshire, with gangs of vigilantes reportedly prowling suburban streets at weekends, looking for children’s parties featuring the inflatables. “Thankfully, the...

Imaginary Threats Mar31

Imaginary Threats

Britain’s right-wing press are demanding for airport security to be radically upgraded after a passenger on an internal flight in Egypt managed to board the aircraft with an imaginary bomb. Using this non-existent device – apparently some kind of imaginary ‘suicide belt’ – the passenger was able to force the airliner’s crew to fly to Cyprus. “How could something like this happen? It’s exposed a huge gap in our anti-terror capabilities,” bellowed right-wing Tory backbencher Wilbur Firkscombe in his regular Daily Excess column. “Just how could a passenger by pass all those stringent checks for firearms and explosives to smuggle such a potentially lethal imaginary non-explosive device aboard a flight?” One security expert has attempted to quell fears of a rash of terror outrages involving imaginary weaponry. “It’s important to remember here that, in this case, it is inaccurate to say that the hijacker had an imaginary bomb, which would, of course, have been completely undetectable,” Dr Jerome Friggs, Senior Lecturer in Speculative Terror Threats at the East Grinstead Academy for Young Ladies told tabloid The Shite. “What he had was a fake explosive belt, Such things could and should be detected, at the airport, as if they aren’t, they could fool a non-expert into believing that they were real. In this case, however, as it consisted of several Frankfurter sausages taped to an ordinary belt, it really should have been detected and shouldn’t have fooled anyone.” An anonymous source at the airport where the hijacker boarded the plane has taken issue with Friggs’ claims, pointing out that the man hadn’t actually been wearing the large sausages on his belt when he went through the security checkpoint. “He had them stowed in his hand luggage – last time I checked, sausages, no matter how...

Where’s Jesus?

Jesus Christ’s father – Our Lord God Almighty – is worried about His Son. The Saviour of Mankind was due back on earth for the new millennium over fifteen years ago, however, no-one has so far seen him. “He left my mansion – which has many rooms – promptly at midnight on 31 December 1999”, God told us through his appointed intermediaries here on earth, the Pope, the Archbishop of Canterbury and, most specifically, Derek Farrup, a retired van driver from Farnborough. “But I haven’t seen or heard from him since . There have been no authenticated miracles reported – usually a sure sign that he is around. Whilst I don’t think that anything really terrible has happened to him – I haven’t heard of any crucifixion’s lately – I would like him to get in touch, just to put my mind at rest”. Well, with Easter here, we The Sleaze have decided to give The Almighty a helping hand. We’re asking all of readers to look out for the Messiah and, just to provide an extra incentive, we’re prepared to give a fiver to whoever successfully spots him! However, just to make it interesting, when you approach the Son of God you must be dressed in religious garb, be holding a copy of the Bible, and you must say “You are Jesus Christ, Saviour of Mankind, and I claim my five pounds!” Remember, this challenge is not as easy as it sounds – Jesus is clearly determined not to be found and may be in disguise. Simply looking out for any bearded thirty year olds wearing sandals will not suffice – he could have trimmed that facial hair and now be sporting a neat goatee beard! The sandals could have been replaced with...

The New Normal? Mar10

The New Normal?

It’s disturbing how quickly we accept as the norm something which, only a short time before, would have been considered totally unacceptable. I was struck by this thought the other day, as I watched yet another of those TV commercials for a pay day loan company. Not so long ago such companies were considered beyond the pale: sharks operating from dark alleyways, preying upon the misfortunes of the poor. Yet now they have glossy adverts on prime time TV, coming on as if they are providing some kind of social service: financial saviours of the lower middle classes. But can this really be the new normal? How can we have ended up living in a Britain where people are paid so poorly that it is now considered acceptable to take out short term loans at exorbitant rates of interest just to cover their bills until the next, inadequate, pay day? When you stop to think about it, these commercials present an alarming picture of the present day Britain – a country where turning to dodgy money lenders is seen as the only viable way of getting your car (which is essential for work) fixed, or your boiler (essential if your family isn’t to freeze to death) repaired, (to use two of their favourite examples). But it isn’t just the pay day loan sharks plugging their wares on TV. There are a whole plethora of money lenders popping up in just about every commercial break offering loans. Even those irritating pillocks from 118 118 are getting in on the act, offering to loan money to people with poor credit histories. I remember a time when only the disreputable of money lenders, (many of them specially set up subsidiaries of High Street banks who would refer...

Look Black in Anger

The 2016 Academy Awards descended into chaos earlier this week, when Leonardo DiCaprio stepped up to accept the ‘Best Actor’ Oscar wearing black face. “Look, it was an honest attempt to address the whole ‘lack of diversity’ issue which has dogged this year’s awards,” Academy member Herb Herfnstuffer – who featured in such classic movies as Cornhole Carnival and Rear Entry – explained to trade paper Hollywood Uncovered. “With the whole furore over there being no non-white nominees for the main awards, we thought what better way could there be for Leo to show his solidarity with the ‘brothers’ than to black up? We figured that it would also redress the balance by, sort of, letting a black guy win an award on the night!” DiCaprio’s blacked up appearance – described by commentators as ‘insensitive’ and ‘an ill judged stunt’ – drew a furious reaction from many members of the audience, with several attempting to storm the stage. A spokesperson for the Titanic star later denied that he had known anything about the stunt, believing that he had had only regular make up applied to his face prior to the ceremony. “Leo’s just not a vain guy, so he didn’t check in the mirror,” Buck Priss told Hollywood Uncovered. “He was as shocked as everyone else when he realised what had happened – he just couldn’t understand why people were booing him and shouting abuse.” Such protestations of innocence, however, cut little ice in some quarters. “It’s just typical of modern media’s liberal elites – they’re supposed concern for causes like racial equality is just another performance,” opined Rick Dickley of Social Justice Review. “All they are interested in is looking good by backing the trendy ‘right on’ issues – the trouble is that...