I’m Blacking Britain! Apr16

I’m Blacking Britain!

An obscure political pressure group – Blacking Up Britain – has claimed responsibility for UKIP leader Nigel Farage’s appearance in black face for the launch of his party’s election manifesto. Farage’s attempt to present UKIP’s policies for the forthcoming general election whilst blacked up caused outrage, despite attempts to present it some kind of ironic joke. “He was just trying to uphold the old English folk traditions of blacking up – everyone knows that the wearing of black face has nothing to do with racism,” Italian shipping tycoon Mario Pudenda – one of the anti-European party’s biggest financial...

Dimensional Deficit Apr09

Dimensional Deficit

A top scientist has warned that the Conservative Party’s latest deficit reduction policies could threaten the very fabric of existence and result in the destruction of the earth as we know it. “It’s the most irresponsible abuse of science in the pursuit of votes I’ve ever...

Illegal Aliens Apr02

Illegal Aliens

Is the appearance of a number of mysterious domed installations linked to a rise in political extremism in the UK? “Our investigations have shown that wherever these things appear, an upsurge of extreme right-wing activity follows – UKIP, the English Defence League, England First and sundry...

Mullahs From Space Mar26

Mullahs From Space

A UKIP prospective parliamentary candidates has sent shockwaves through Britain’s political landscape with his claims that the origins of Islamic extremism are literally other worldly. “Islam doesn’t just look and feel like an alien culture, it is an an alien culture – originating...

Bad Memories Mar19

Bad Memories

According to a top psychologist, TV entertainer turned convicted sex offender Rolf Harris’s victims aren’t just confined to those unfortunate women he sexually molested. Professor Roger Persil claims that many Britons feel traumatised by the fact that their cherished childhood...

Sex Machina Mar12

Sex Machina

“It’s bloody ridiculous – if this case returns a guilty verdict then presumably we’ll be seeing vibrators and other sex toys suing their users for sexual assault!” declared Daily Excess columnist Reginald Crutter in reference to the extraordinary trial currently being hosted at...

Peado Finder General Mar05

Peado Finder General

Having declared that Britain’s children have been subjected to sexual abuse on ‘an industrial scale’, Prime Minister David Cameron has unveiled his new weapon in the war against the perpetrators of such abuse: the so called ‘Peado Finder General’. “It’s...

All Compassion Spent Feb26

All Compassion Spent

Don’t worry, I’m not going to rant about those crackpot conspiracy theorists again. Not that they aren’t still out there peddling their deluded versions of the ‘truth’ to the unwary. But I’ve had my fill of them for the time being – there are more pressing...

Enter the Sexecutioner Feb19

Enter the Sexecutioner

“These are possibly the most disturbing hostage videos yet to come out of the whole Middle East crisis – even worse than those beheading videos,” says Middle East expert Mohammed Al Cack, with regard to number of videos featuring Islamic State members which have recently been uploaded to various video-sharing and social media sites online. “Truly, I was shocked at just how degrading to the victims and their families they were! They are clearly the work of depraved maniacs!” Each of the five videos so far uploaded appear to show a captured ISIS fighter, clad in pink, bent over a barrel, chair or table by a mysterious figure wearing a black...

The Conspiracy Man Feb12

The Conspiracy Man

One of Britain’s top conspiracy theorists is reeling from the revelation that he might not actually exist. “I was first alerted to the fact that I could be some kind of false flag operation when people started pointing out that my profile picture on Facebook looks a lot like an actor...

What Lies Beneath Feb05

What Lies Beneath

After the UK was struck by two earthquakes in quick succession – first in Winchester, then in Rutland – a leading scientist has claimed that, far from being natural phenomena, these earth tremors were, in fact, the first stage of an assault by hostile forces upon the country. “It’s...

His Finest Hour? Jan29

His Finest Hour?

“Winston Churchill? That flatulent fool was the worst Prime Minister we’ve ever had!” declares top TV historian Dr David Starkers. “Believe me, we won the war in spite of him, not because of his so called leadership!” Starkers makes his controversial claims in a new documentary being...

Daily Nudes No More?

“Rupert Murdoch was absolutely right when he said that Page Three was ‘old fashioned’ – in the twenty first century, a tabloid newspaper is no place for semi-naked women,” opines retired News International executive Bruce Blaggs, reflecting on the apparent dropping of topless...

Uncanny Sex Men Jan15

Uncanny Sex Men

Has the US deployed a team of top secret super powered porn stars against terrorists and rogue states? Amid stories from North Korea that Kim Jong-un had recently been ‘molested’ by an invisible assailant and rumours from Iraq that several senior ISIS leaders had dies after being...

A Hundred Years on Benefits Jan08

A Hundred Years on Benefits

Recent newspaper reports that, with advances in medical science, the UK’s average life expectancy could reach 120 years, have reportedly caused alarm at the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP). “The Secretary of State, Iain Duncan Smith, is obviously very concerned at this possibility,” a source at the DWP told The Sleaze. “After all, it is one thing if the right sort of people – those with independent means of supporting themselves – start living to these ages, but what if the wrong sort start regularly living past a hundred? You know – poor people. Imagine what it would cost us in pensions alone!” Indeed, the government has...

Nothing is Real Dec31

Nothing is Real

If you are currently contemplating the events of the past year, lamenting the tragedies, wars and disasters which have befallen people all over the globe – don’t. None of them really happened. They were all staged by ‘them’. That’s right, everything you see in the...