Down With Xmas! Dec01

Down With Xmas!

As the beginning of December sees the UK slip into its annual spate of Christmas madness, characterised by frenetic high street spending, increased alcohol consumption and domestic violence, The Sleaze has secured an exclusive interview with Arthur Ardon, recently dubbed ‘The Man Who Hates Christmas’ by the tabloid press. “I must commend you on your stance on Christmas over the years – your publication has blazed a trail when it comes to exposing the sham that is the so-called ‘Season of goodwill,” the fifty three year old civil servant told us. “Down with Christmas, I say. It’s become a blight on our high streets – and its so bloody repetitive. It’s the same every year, but worse! Can’t we be let off Christmas one year for good behaviour?” To demonstrate some of his grievances, Ardon walked us through his local German Christmas market in Crawley. “I mean, just look at this over-priced tat!” he exclaimed, pointing at a stall festooned with huge sausages. “What have those got to do with Christmas? In fact, what gas Germany got to do with Christmas either? Just because Santa Claus is allegedly German, that’s no excuse! He’s probably a bloody war criminal, anyway. If one good thing comes out of Brexit it will be that these sodding foreign markets stop coming over here trying to shove their heathen Christmases down our throats!” Ardon shot to tabloid infamy after punching out the conductor of a Salvation Army band playing in his town centre. He told us that the incident occurred after he had been ‘pushed over the edge’ by the stress of trying to shop in the face of the encroaching festive season. “Why, year-after-year, must we be have to contend with crowds of people in the streets whose...

Left is Right Nov24

Left is Right

Following a US tabloid’s sensational claims that President-elect Trump is actually an alien, or a reptile, or perhaps even a Russian agent, a British political expert is alleging that Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is, in fact, a right-wing infiltrator, on a mission to destroy the party. “When are people going to open their eyes and realise that he’s some kind of Tory mole?” asks Dr Abe Penk, Senior Lecturer in Politics at Bracknell Horticultural College. “I mean, how else can you explain his apparent desire to undermine the Parliamentary party with threats of deselection and stuffing the shadow cabinet with his cronies, not to mention his alienation of traditional labour voters with his constant wooing of extremist crack pots like the Socialist Workers Party?  Week after week the incompetence and failed policies of the Tory government are presenting Labour with open goals, yet Corbyn misses every one of them, continually failing to hold them to account.  Who other than another Tory would keep letting them off the hook like that?” Writing in the New Democrat magazine, Penk has claimed that Corbyn is a deep cover agent, infiltrated into the Labour Party more than thirty years ago as part of a long-term plot by right-wing elements of the Tory Party to destroy the Labour movement from within. “I mean, who better to successfully infiltrate the Labour party as part of a long-term plot to destroy it from within than some middle class beardie weirdie drop out?” he writes in his article. “Nobody would suspect him, would they? He’s the stereotypical leftie, isn’t he? Perhaps too stereotypical to be true?” The clues to Corbyn’s true nature, the academic believes, are clear for anyone to see. “Despite of all his attempts to present himself as some kind...

We Trump in Peace Nov17

We Trump in Peace

According to President-elect Trump global warming and climate change is a hoax. A hoax perpetrated by the Chinese in order to make Western industries uncompetitive by saddling them with expensive environmental measures. However, a series of mysterious television transmissions, which have interrupted normal transmissions in several major US West Coast cities since Trump’s election victory, have seemed to claim that global warming is neither a hoax nor man made. The transmissions, most of which lasted only a few seconds, a male figure can be glimpsed through heavy interference, apparently trying to warn viewers that Trump is actually the mastermind behind climate change. Top supermarket tabloid the Weekly World Shopper claims to have identified the figure in the transmissions as noted conspiracy theorist and dry cleaning assistant Toby Bullwhelk. “Of course Trump wants you to believe that global warming doesn’t exist,” Bullwhelk told the newspaper’s editor Deke Spiggott, after the tabloid had tracked him to his mother’s basement in San Bernandino, where he is currently living. “As long as he can convince people that it doesn’t exist, the longer he and his kind have to let it take its deadly effect!” Astonishingly, Bullwhelk claims that not only does Trump want to deflect attention from the fact that he and his associates want global climate change, but that it is essential for them. “Let’s pause for a moment and stop to think just what climate change is all about,” he told Spiggott. “Which is factories and other industrial installations pumping vast amounts of noxious emissions into the earth’s atmosphere. Quantities which the global ecosystem simply cannot deal with. Consequently, over time, the earth’s atmosphere will become irrevocably changed. Indeed, it will eventually become incapable of sustaining human life, or any other type of terrestrial life for...

Beyond Satire? Nov10

Beyond Satire?

I’m thinking of giving up on the satire business. I mean, have you seen the US election result? How can I compete with that? Real life it seems, has gone beyond satire. If, four years ago, I’d written a story about how a billionaire bully with a string of failed businesses behind him and a string of sexual harassment allegations ahead of him, would beat Hilary Clinton to the presidency, it would have been treated as a ludicrous fantasy. Yet, here we are. It isn’t as if Trump’s election is an isolated incident: it’s happening all over. The Philippines, for instance, currently appear to have a homicidal maniac as president, who is waging a literal war on drugs by having anyone suspected of a narcotics connection summarily executed. Again, you just couldn’t make it up. As for the situation here in the UK, well, where do I start? Perhaps with the sight we’ve recently been treated to of Brexiteers who spent the EU referendum campaign banging on about how they wanted to ‘restore’ the sovereignty of parliament and have only British, not European, courts making judgements on British legal matters, stamping their feet and throwing tantrums because the UK’s High Court had ruled that parliament is indeed sovereign and therefore any Brexit deal concocted by the government must be approved by parliament. The media keep going on about how we’re living in the ‘post truth era’ – ‘post satire era’ more like. While we’re talking about the High Court judgement over Brexit, I was appalled to see that odious donkey faced creep Nigel Farage apparently inciting people to riot over it, before going to lead a march on the court itself. Now, I’m pretty sure that if he’d been a Muslim preacher or a...

Grabbed by the Octopussy? Nov03

Grabbed by the Octopussy?

“Look, someone has to step in here, to defend the octopus,” says top US lawyer Frank Warbler, who is preparing to file a lawsuit for defamation on behalf of the global octopus population. “All I’ve seen lately in the presidential campaign are headlines shouting how alleged groper and Republican Donald Trump was all over some of his alleged victims ‘like an octopus’. Since when has the octopus been synonymous with sex offending?” According to Warbler, he was initially approached by an octopus currently resident in a San Diego aquarium. “He was unhappy that, once these headlines started to appear, visitors to the aquarium started to mock him, calling him a groper and worse, dubbing him ‘Donald’, after Trump, “ he explains. “Having women cover their breasts with their hands as they approached him or, even worse, avoid his tank for fear of being groped, has been deeply traumatic for my client. Not only that, but the ‘Donald’ jibe is particularly offensive to him as he is a lifetime registered Democrat.” Speaking to the California Sea Food Digest, the lawyer explained that he was planning to sue not only the news outlets which had defamed his client, but also Donald Trump himself. “Clearly, if he hadn’t been going around allegedly molesting women, then the whole situation would never have arisen,” he told the periodical, adding that he was hoping to make the case a class action, so as to include any other octopus offended by being compared to Donald Trump. “Right now we’re investigating whether Trump actually imitated an octopus in any of these alleged gropings, in which case it could be argued that he was actually mocking my client, making him guilty of directly defaming him.” Despite scepticism from legal experts as to the validity of his claims, Warbler argues that there is s a clear implication in the newspaper headlines about the billionaire’s alleged groping that the aquatic mollusc is well known for molesting women, using its tentacles to inappropriately touch women in multiple places on their bodies. “Where is the evidence for these heinous allegations?” he demands. “Has an octopus ever been convicted for sex offences? I think not. Have there ever been allegations, even, of sexual misconduct on their part? Obviously not. Yet every time some public figure is accused of feeling up women against their will, the whole octopus analogy is brought up – with no justification. I mean, just because the octopus has eight sucker covered tentacles, that doesn’t make it a potential groper – having more hands doesn’t make anyone more prone to groping, does it?” The lawyer points out that one handed men are, statistically, just as likely to be the sort of man to try and cop a feel on, for example, a crowded tube train as a man with both hands. “Damn it, some of those prosthetic hands could be even better for groping,” he declares. “They’d surely give a firmer grip which the victim would be less likely to wriggle free from. So it’s no good playing the ‘more hands make for heavier groping’ argument to try and defame my client!” Warbler has engaged the services of famed oceanographer and marine biologist Jacques Custarde as an advisor and potential expert witness. Not only does he agree with Warbler that there is no credible evidence of any octopus sex offending, but has gone further, opining that it would actually be near impossible for the invertebrates to grope anyone. “The term groping implies the uninvited grasping of another’s private areas with one’s hands,” he told the Orange County Aquatic Review . “The fact is, however, that tentacles aren’t hands and, as far as I can see, wouldn’t be suited to groping anyway. Squeezing, perhaps, but not traditional groping. OK, I suppose those suckers might allow a form of nipple tweaking and a tentacle could achieve a pretty good slap across the...

Invisible Trump Oct27

Invisible Trump

As Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign for the White House appears to flounder, there have been astonishing claims that his bid for power has been sabotaged by an invisible man. “I know it sounds crazy, but it is absolutely true,” key Trump aide Kenny Strock told top supermarket tabloid the Weekly World Shopper. “All this stuff that Donald is being blamed for – it’s actually this invisible bastard!” According to Strock, who is in charge of leafleting in Wichita for the Trump campaign, all of the recent claims of Trump groping women are down to the mysterious invisible saboteur. “Every time Donald goes near an attractive woman, this invisible guy is there and starts feeling them up,” he explains. “Obviously, as the only person these women can see is Mr Trump, they slap him around the face and run off to the press alleging that he’s some kind of sex offender!” The campaign of sabotage has gone beyond groping women, with the invisible irritant also turning up during TV and press engagements, putting Trump off of his stride by whispering damaging words into Trump’s ear. “Every time Donald says something crazy, like Hillary being on performance enhancing drugs, or building walls along the Mexican border, it’s down to this invisible guy whispering the stuff to him,” Strock insists. “Everyone knows that when you’ve got someone talking shit in your ear, you just end up getting so confused you start repeating it out loud yourself.” Incredibly, Strock claims to know the identity of Trump’s invisible tormentor, naming him as Dr Daniel Westin. “He was a research scientist at a facility owned by one of Mr Trump’s companies,” says Strock. “He was working on a defence contract to produce improved stealth technology for the US military,...

Save the Children Oct20

Save the Children

“These bastards don’t look like children to me!” bellowed Jacob Jacksy, Tory MP for Regent’s Park South, as the first child refugees from the so-called ‘Jungle’ refugee camp in Calais, arrived in Britain. “Just look at them – half of them are over six feet tall and some of them have receding hairlines! It is quite obvious that our hospitality is being abused by asylum seekers and possibly even Jihadist fanatics trying to sneak into the UK disguised as children!” The right winger claims that two thirty-plus impostors have already been discovered by UK Border Force officials amongst the latest batch of children arriving from the ‘Jungle’. “They were wearing school uniform, had their pubes shaved off were and walking on their knees – these people are so bloody blatant! They are simply playing on the sympathies of bleeding heart liberals and celebrities to simply walk -or shuffle in this case – into the country,” he fumed. “Don’t misunderstand me, I have nothing against genuine child refugees coming here – in fact, I welcome them with open arms! But I just don’t have any use for these adult refugees – they’re simply no good at all! What are we supposed to do with them?” Jacksy’s complaints have been echoed by a prominent former colleague on the right of the party. “I was very disappointed when I watched the news footage and saw that many of these supposed ‘children’ were actually strapping lads with beards,” former Tory MP Roger Hump opined from his cell in the high security wing of Strangeways Prison, where he is currently serving a fifteen year sentence for child sex offences. “I mean, I’m sure there’s a market for them out there – probably around King’s Cross – but they simply...

Medical Magic Oct13

Medical Magic

“I thought I had an appointment to see a surgical consultant at the hospital, but instead I found myself faced by some kind of voodoo priest, slaughtering pigeons and dripping their blood all over me,” claims fifty three year old Hermione Glipp, who, earlier this year attended her local hospital in Bracknell with an ingrowing toe nail. “I mean, it all seemed quite normal at first – this nurse took me to the consulting room and told me to undress, put on a surgical gown, then lie on the bed until the consultant arrived – next thing I knew, this huge black man burst in and started shouting all these weird incantations! It was like something out of a horror film! Next thing I knew, he had all these other guys in the room beating drums and topless women swaying to their voodoo rhythms!” Investigations by The Sleaze have revealed that Miss Glipp’s bizarre experience was part of a secret government plan to counter the recent wave of strikes by junior doctors. “The hospital she attended was being used by the Department of Health as a pilot scheme during the last strike,” explains former junior doctor Jim Knacks. “The idea was to see if they could break the strike by employing blacklegs in the form of ‘alternative’ medical practitioners. Apparently it was a personal initiative on the part of Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, who is into all that sort of bollocks!” Glipp got off lightly, if the reported experiences of other patients who attended the hospital for treatment during the strike are to be believed. “I went in expecting a chemotherapy session,” cancer patent Ron Wickston says. “Instead, I found myself confronted by this bloke saying he was an aromatherapist. He reckoned he could...

Dumping Europe Oct06

Dumping Europe

“Look, it is a gross infringement of British sovereignty that we can’t dump our own sewage on our own beaches,” declares Gerard Storker, a local councillor in the popular seaside resort of Fircombe-on-Sea. “This whole ‘cleaner beaches’ business – requiring us to ensure that coastal sewage outlets are long enough to stop effluent washing up onto the beaches – foisted on us by the EU is outrageous. I just thank God that, come ‘Brexit’, Englishmen will once again be free to have beaches as filthy as they like!” Storker – who has represented UKIP on Fircombe council for more than a decade – is one of many local politicians who are looking forward to being released from the yoke of European red tape and regulations now that the UK has voted to leave the EU. Convinced that repealing EU environmental regulations will bring prosperity back to Britain’s beleaguered coastal resorts, Storker is already urging his local council to draw up plans for new, post-’Brexit’, sewage disposal arrangements. “There’s no doubt that our seaside towns have been in decline ever since Brussels started to insist that we cleaned up the beaches,” he insists. “It took away part of the essential essence of the British beach – people expected to see untreated sewage sweeping in on the tide, for God’s sake! I remember that when I was a boy it was considered great sport to dodge the floaters as they came in on the waves! Being chased up the beach by a ‘brown trout’ was a highlight of a day at the beach! Besides, without all those turds stinking away on a hot day, all you can smell at the seaside now is the rotting seaweed. I know which I prefer!” Under Storker’s proposals the town’s...

Saint Corbyn Sep29

Saint Corbyn

With Jeremy Corbyn’s recent re-election as leader having seemingly strengthened his grip on the Labour Party, the question remains as to exactly what is the appeal to his fervent supporters of this sandal wearing, vegan, beardie weirdie peacnik? In search of an answer, The Sleaze has spent the last few days at Labour’s annual conference. Despite Corbyn’s lack of charisma, learship skills or intellectual horsepower, he seems to instil in his devotees an almost religious fervour, with them viewing him as some kind of political messiah. “Well, it’s not as if there aren’t parallels, is it?” Adele Frukeston, a biology student and self described ‘Corbynista’ told us. “Just look at the initials: ‘JC’. Plus the fact that he spent years wandering in the wilderness, resisting the temptations of Diane Abbot, before emerging as leader. Most recently, of course, he’s been ‘crucified’ by the Parliamentary party, yet has risen again to smite the ‘Blairite’ bastards!” The most devout ‘Corbynistas’, like Frukeston’, are even prepared to ascribe ‘special powers’ to their idol. “There’s no doubt that he has an aura about him,” she breathlessly informed us. “I’ve even heard that a couple of older delegates have claimed to have had their lumbago and arthritis cured after Jeremy brushed past them at the conference! Some people are saying that by the end of this conference we’ll have enough evidence of miracles on his part to have Jeremy canonised! ‘Saint Corbyn’, imagine that!” At least one of Corbyn’s critics isn’t surprised that his support seems to centre around a quasi-religious cult of personality. “I know there are a lot of people who would like us to believe that he’s some kind of ‘Socialist Messiah’, bringing the true creed of pure socialism back to a Labour Party corrupted by...

Age of Untruth Sep22

Age of Untruth

The media like to call it the ‘Post Truth Era’, this strange age that we’re living in, where politicians happily spout what are patently lies and remain unrepentant when they are caught out, with large sections of the public apparently not caring that they’ve been lied to. And it isn’t just right wing demagogues like Donald Trump or political opportunists like Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and the whole ‘Leave’ campaign in the EU referendum who are guilty of these tactics. A characteristic of the Corbyn camp during the Labour leadership campaign has been its predilection for denying the truth of certain facts, even in the face of overwhelming proof of that truth. Most notable was Corbyn’s attempts to deny that he’d called for the immediate triggering of ‘Article 50’ in the wake of the EU referendum’s disastrous outcome. This, despite the existence of video footage showing him saying it. Shadow Chancellor and chief Corbyn puppet-master John McDonnell has similarly sought to deny the truth of statements he was recorded making in videos posted to You Tube. Regardless of ideology, the prevailing mantra amongst politicians is that if you repeat a lie often enough, people will be bludgeoned into believing it, even in the face of evidence refuting it. Not that there’s actually anything new about this. It’s just that both the lies and the lying seem more blatant nowadays and modern media, particularly social media which bypasses the regular news outlets, ensures that the lies really have travelled all around the world before the truth has even gotten out of the starting blocks. Of course, the whole internet which, despite the best efforts of the likes of Google, remains relatively unregulated and unpoliced, is a seething continent of lies, home to all sorts of...

Bad Faith

Many British churchgoers have been left reeling after a top Church of England Bishop came out as an atheist. “After much consideration, I decided that I couldn’t continue living a lie and that I needed to be honest with worshippers,” declared Alec Squink, who was ordained as Bishop of Staines only last year. “I realise that by not previously mentioning my lack of faith I was deceiving not just myself, but Christians all over Britain and lying by omission.” Leading Christians up and down the country have been left asking how it could be that a man who doesn’t actually believe in God has come to be ordained as a Bishop. “Is it a recent thing, a crisis of faith?” ponders Rod Wadd, a lay member of the General Synod. “Or has he always been ‘one of them’, hiding his secret since he was first ordained as a priest? If the latter is the case, then it renders his every sermon meaningless and undermines the validity of every wedding and funeral he has presided over!” In answer to such questions, Bishop Squink has released a statement confirming that he is, in fact, a lifelong non-believer. “This is no passing phase or whim,” he confirmed in the statement. “The fact is that I have never believed in God or the resurrection. Well, I say never, but there was a time when I was five or six, when I might have accepted the existence of some beardy bloke in the sky. But it quickly became obvious to me, even as a child, that such a belief was illogical and irrational. I’ll admit that, for a while, I wasn’t sure that I was an atheist – I toyed with agnosticism, but that was too much like having...

Mother of Lies

A new book has made astounding claims about the recently canonised Mother Teresa of Calcutta, dubbing her a fraud and a racketeer. Perhaps the most extraordinary allegation Mother of Lies – written by former cleric Charles Copler – makes against the noted missionary is that she was involved in an illegal bare knuckle fighting ring, in which young nuns would be pitted against each other, with huge sums riding on the outcome of each match. “She didn’t just organise these underground fights, she also participated in them, “ Copler told The Sleaze. “Well into her eighties, she was the undisputed bare knuckle champion of Calcutta, winning the majority of her matches with a single knock-out blow! Mind you, towards the end, she’d only go in the ring with inexperienced novices she knew she could beat the shit out of – a hell of a lot of young nun’s first experience of the religious life was having their teeth knocked out by the old crone.” The author claims that the injuries sustained by Mother Teresa during her numerous fights were clearly in evidence. “Come on – you don’t think it was just old age that left her stooped and wizened, do you?” he asked. “I mean, her face looked like it had been used as a punch bag, didn’t it?” Copler rejects he claims of some supporters of the late Mother Teresa that she was actually using the illegal fights to raise money for the poor of India. “Bloody apologists! She was in cahoots with the big Far Eastern gambling cartels who were willing to wager millions of dollars on a single match,” he says. “Believe me, the only person who benefited from her very substantial cut of the takings was her!” He accuses Mother...

Daughter of de Sade Sep01

Daughter of de Sade

DIRECTOR: FRANK HORNINGTON.  RUNNING TIME: 83 mins. DVD: SNUFFBOX. PRICE: £9.99. CERT: 18. Unfortunately the title is slightly misleading, as this concerns the exploits of a modern day descendant of the famous sadist who is apparently possessed by the spirit of the long dead Marquis. Despite a superficial resemblance to Hammer’s 1971 Victorian set romp Hands of the Ripper, which had a similar premise, Frank Hornington’s Soho-set slice of sex and horror predates that film by three years.  Moreover, no cod psychological explanations are given for the female lead’s actions, nor is she simply trying to continue her ancestor’s crimes. The ‘daughter’ of de Sade is instead intent upon exposing the hypocrisies of the ruling classes, showing that they themselves are practitioners of the very same sexual perversions her ancestor was persecuted for writing about. Set in ‘modern’ (well, Swinging Sixties), London, this slice of low rent exploitation has been given new relevance by the fact that she poses as a dominatrix, (drawing her victims in via cards placed in a Soho phone box she knows to be frequented by the capital’s great and good), and that one of her victims is a prominent Tory politician. Consequently, the film has been rushed back into a DVD and Blu Ray release, after being unavailable for several years. The plot, such as it is, involves the heroine giving a bloody good thrashing to various leading members of the establishment, including the aforementioned Tory MP, a High Court Judge, a Bishop and a minor Royal. Whilst such a plot structure could have become tediously repetitive, the film does well to vary the scenarios sufficiently to maintain viewer interest. The bishop, for instance, finds himself tied to an inverted crucifix, his balls tied up and painfully thrashed with...

No Sex Please! Aug25

No Sex Please!

A Surrey man who, this week, failed to get a court order that he has to provide the police and other authorities with at least forty eight hours notice before he has sexual intercourse lifted, has vowed to take his fight to the Supreme Court. “It’s bloody outrageous, this ‘No Sex Please’ order, a clear violation of my human rights,” twenty nine year old Sammy Chubber told reporters outside Guildford Crown Court, following his failed appeal. “Don’t these bastards realise just how humiliating it is, having to report to my local police station every time I get the horn and want to blow my load? Believe me, standing at the front desk announcing that intend to get my end away the day after tomorrow, with all the front office staff sniggering away, is a sure way to kill any passion. It’s worse than when I was a kid trying to buy jazz mags at the newsagents, with Mrs Patel giving me disapproving looks from behind the till!” Part of his argument in court that morning had focused on the impracticality of the order. “I don’t know about any of you, but I don’t schedule my sexual activities,” he explained to journalists. “Like most human beings, I’m driven by my sexual urges, the availability of suitable and willing partners and the existence of favourable circumstances. How do I know today if I’m going to do the horizontal jig in two days time?” Moreover, he contended, the imposition of the order implied that he was some kind of sex offender who couldn’t be trusted to safely have sex with women unsupervised. “It’s ridiculous,” he complained. “I keep getting spat on in the street – women even cross the road to avoid me – and having stuff...

Winds of Terror Aug11

Winds of Terror

Police have confirmed that the fart which yesterday caused chaos in a crowded hotel lift in London’s Russell Square was not a terror fart. Despite the incident initially being treated as a suspected terror attack, the authorities now believe that the farter – identified in the press as a twenty two year old student from Penge – wasn’t politically motivated and wasn’t connected to any terror groups. “We are now sure that the fart wasn’t planned, but rather spontaneous, the result of gastric illness rather than radicalism,” a spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police told a press conference this afternoon. “Consequently, the farter has been released without charge. Although he is currently under medical observation in case of further dangerous emissions.” The fart, so loud that it could be heard half a mile away and so powerful that it shook windows in adjoining streets, erupted at approximately nine o’clock yesterday evening, jamming the lift’s mechanism and stranding it’s occupants between floors with the fart’s poisonous stench. “Every minute that the lift was stuck, fears for the safety of the occupants grew,” explained the police spokesperson. “It was judged by officers attending the scene that if it smelt that overpowering outside the lift, then anyone inside would be at risk of choking.” Indeed, the first police officers to arrive on the scene found themselves beaten back by the fumes emanating from the lift shaft. “None of them was equipped with respirators or protective clothing,” explained the spokesperson. “In addition to breathing difficulties, some of them also reported suffering skin abrasions.” The spokesman, however, denied press reports that at least one of the officers had sprayed himself in the face with CS gas in the hope that it would disperse the fart fumes and enable him to...