No Sex Please! Aug25

No Sex Please!

A Surrey man who, this week, failed to get a court order that he has to provide the police and other authorities with at least forty eight hours notice before he has sexual intercourse lifted, has vowed to take his fight to the Supreme Court. “It’s bloody outrageous, this ‘No Sex Please’ order, a clear violation of my human rights,” twenty nine year old Sammy Chubber told reporters outside Guildford Crown Court, following his failed appeal. “Don’t these bastards realise just how humiliating it is, having to report to my local police station every time I get the horn and want to blow my load? Believe me, standing at the front desk announcing that intend to get my end away the day after tomorrow, with all the front office staff sniggering away, is a sure way to kill any passion. It’s worse than when I was a kid trying to buy jazz mags at the newsagents, with Mrs Patel giving me disapproving looks from behind the till!” Part of his argument in court that morning had focused on the impracticality of the order. “I don’t know about any of you, but I don’t schedule my sexual activities,” he explained to journalists. “Like most human beings, I’m driven by my sexual urges, the availability of suitable and willing partners and the existence of favourable circumstances. How do I know today if I’m going to do the horizontal jig in two days time?” Moreover, he contended, the imposition of the order implied that he was some kind of sex offender who couldn’t be trusted to safely have sex with women unsupervised. “It’s ridiculous,” he complained. “I keep getting spat on in the street – women even cross the road to avoid me – and having stuff...

Winds of Terror Aug11

Winds of Terror

Police have confirmed that the fart which yesterday caused chaos in a crowded hotel lift in London’s Russell Square was not a terror fart. Despite the incident initially being treated as a suspected terror attack, the authorities now believe that the farter – identified in the press as a twenty two year old student from Penge – wasn’t politically motivated and wasn’t connected to any terror groups. “We are now sure that the fart wasn’t planned, but rather spontaneous, the result of gastric illness rather than radicalism,” a spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police told a press conference this afternoon. “Consequently, the farter has been released without charge. Although he is currently under medical observation in case of further dangerous emissions.” The fart, so loud that it could be heard half a mile away and so powerful that it shook windows in adjoining streets, erupted at approximately nine o’clock yesterday evening, jamming the lift’s mechanism and stranding it’s occupants between floors with the fart’s poisonous stench. “Every minute that the lift was stuck, fears for the safety of the occupants grew,” explained the police spokesperson. “It was judged by officers attending the scene that if it smelt that overpowering outside the lift, then anyone inside would be at risk of choking.” Indeed, the first police officers to arrive on the scene found themselves beaten back by the fumes emanating from the lift shaft. “None of them was equipped with respirators or protective clothing,” explained the spokesperson. “In addition to breathing difficulties, some of them also reported suffering skin abrasions.” The spokesman, however, denied press reports that at least one of the officers had sprayed himself in the face with CS gas in the hope that it would disperse the fart fumes and enable him to...

Robot Jihad Aug04

Robot Jihad

ISIS have claimed responsibility for an apparent suicide attack during the recent filming of an episode of the BBC’s Robot Wars. According to eyewitnesses one of the robots involved in the climactic melee suddenly exploded. “It was utter carnage – there were massive casualties,” Maurice Keppler, who had been in the audience, told the Daily Norks. “There were bits of robots strewn all over the arena – saw blades, caterpillar tracks, pieces of circuit board all over the place.” A police spokesperson later confirmed that none of the robots in the arena at the time of the explosion survived. There were, however, no human casualties, although several hundred geeks who had been watching the recording were highly traumatised by the demise of so many robots, with scores being treated for shock in local hospitals. Whilst initial reports claimed that the explosion was accidental, Keppler is adamant that it was a deliberate act on the part of the robot’s operators, who were described by observers as ‘looking a bit Arabic’. “It was clearly designed to do maximum damage,” he declared. “They deliberately played ‘lame’, giving the impression that the machine was defective and waited for all the other robots to converge on it before detonating the bomb it was carrying!” Keppler and several other witnesses have also claimed that they distinctly heard the robot blare out the words ‘Allahu Akbar’ in a metallic voice just before it exploded. The BBC, however, after an analysis of the programme’s soundtrack, have claimed that the sound heard was actually the screeching of the machine’s gears as it tried to escape the attentions of the rival robots. “We’re still very much of the opinion that this was simply an accident,” one of the programme’s producers, Alfie Doppler told the...

Black on Black Jul28

Black on Black

A local US police force has stoked controversy by having its officers wear black face whilst on duty. “It’s for purely defensive purposes – I don’t want anyone thinking that we’re a bunch of racists down here in Tennessee,” declares Fuckle County Sheriff Abe Knuckler. “The fact is that this is the only way to stop my boys from being shot on the street by those black power activists, or whatever the hell they are.” The Sheriff’s Office’s bizarre new tactics have been presented to the press and local community as a response to the recent spate of fatal shootings of police officers, apparently bt black activists, across the United States. “It seems to me that these fellas aren’t going to shoot their own kind,” muses Knuckler. “So before my deputies go out on the streets, I insist that they all black up – they don’t have to use any fancy make up, boot polish will do. Just so long as they don’t look white through the telescopic sites of a sniper rifle.” Critics have been quick to point out that not only has Fuckle County not actually suffered any of the attacks on police officers which have been plaguing other parts of the US, but that several of the slain officers have themselves been black. “Well, that just goes to show that our black face policy is working, doesn’t it?” responds the Sheriff, adding that, in point of fact, even Fuckle County’s black officers have been ordered to black up. “It stands to reason that if black officers are being killed by these black radicals, it’s because they think they aren’t black enough. I mean, some of those light skinned ones could pass for white in the right light, so we don’t want...

For Queen and Country

Whilst England’s football team might have suffered an ignominious exit from the recent Euro 2016 tournament, outplayed by Iceland in the first knock out stage, its hooligans, after a shaky start, performed much better in a series of increasingly violent encounters with their Russian counterparts. Indeed, extraordinary tales of valour are still emerging, as returning fans share their ‘war stories’ in pubs up and down the UK, with stories of near miraculous interventions by celebrity hooligans being reported. “I couldn’t believe my eyes at first, but it was definitely Her Majesty,” convicted football hooligan Tommy Tupper told top tabloid The Shite. “She was right in the thick of it, rallying the British fans against those Russian bastards! I never knew that she was into football, but there she was, hurling chairs and bottles at the Russkis like a pro!” Tupper, who was tear gassed by French police in Marseilles during the now infamous pre-match ruck between English and Russian football thugs, has sensationally claimed that Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II spent part of her 90th birthday weekend at the heart of the violence which marred Euro 2016. “Obviously, she had to be back in Blighty in time for that party on the Mall on Sunday, so she was clearly making the most of the time she had there,” Tupper claimed. “At one point I saw her engaged in a bare knuckle fight with this huge Russian thug – she was getting the better of him when three of his mates turned up and surrounded her! I thought she was a goner for sure, but then Prince Philip appeared out of nowhere, leaping in and felling one of the bastards with flying drop kick, before taking out the other two with a roundhouse kick!” According to Tupper, it wasn’t just Her Majesty and the Duke of Edinburgh present at the street battles between fans. “Prince Charles was definitely there, swinging a bicycle chain around, while Camilla was laying the boot into any fallen Russian bastard she could find,” says Tupper. “As for that Kate Middleton – I never would have thought that she’d know such language! She was really giving those Russians the verbals when wasn’t going for them with a broken bottle.” It seemed that Her Majesty hadn’t just brought her family along for some celebratory violence. “I spotted several top British politicians there, presumably at Her Majesty’s insistence,” he told the tabloid. “Mind you, most of them weren’t anywhere near as enthusiastic as the Queen. I saw David Cameron cowering behind some dustbins as everything kicked off – typical bloody Villa fan. Michael Gove wasn’t any better – he kept saying ‘You wouldn’t hit a man with glasses on, would you?’ to every Russian hooligan who came near him. Thankfully, they all would, it seemed.” Boris Johnson was equally ineffective, Tupper claims. “He just bumbled around waving his arms and mumbling unintelligibly,” he recalled. “He’d clearly lost his bottle. Theresa May was for more effective – she was screaming ‘If you think you’re hard enough, come and have a go!’ at groups of Russian thugs – I saw her lay out at least three with her bare fists.” The hooligan believes that the performances of the Tory politicians may have had a bearing on the subsequent Tory leadership election. “It stands to reason doesn’t it? The Queen obviously saw Gove and Boris bottling it and decided there was no way she was having either of them as Prime Minister,” he mused. “But she liked what she saw of Theresa May – clearly a woman after her own heart when it comes to football violence – and obviously told Cameron to rig the leadership contest in May’s favour.” The most effective political intervention in the fight, however, turned out to be a complete surprise. “At one point the Russians had a group of us cornered in an alleyway, battering...

Political Poison Jul07

Political Poison

I was tempted to write a ‘Brexitorial’ this time around. But I’ve already ranted at length on the idiocy of the British electorate over at Sleaze Diary. That said, I’m tired of all this defeatist talk from other people on the ‘Remain’ side about how we just have to accept Brexit now and accept this ‘democratic decision’. I really do object to this idiotic notion that to challenge a bad decision is somehow ‘undemocratic’. What absolute bollocks – if we follow that logic we’d only ever have one general election, wouldn’t we? The electorate would have made their decision, and that would be it, wouldn’t it? Holding another election would be disrespectful to the democratic process, surely? Obviously, no decision, democratically made or otherwise, can stand forever – circumstances change, the electorate itself changes over time. Everything changes, in fact. Moreover, just because a majority of people vote for something, doesn’t mean that it is right. Indeed, surely if a decision taken this way is manifestly stupid and wrong, likely to do long-term damage to the economy, then surely those of us who disagree have a duty to challenge it? It’s not as if it was a decisive vote to leave the EU: 52% to 48%. That donkey faced arsehole Farage even admitted before the poll that if it went the other way, with a narrow ‘Remain’ victory of 52%, then he and his moronic followers would take that as evidence that they should carry on with their campaign to leave the EU. Well, I’m one of the 48% who wants to continue to stay in the EU and I think that we should be free to pursue our campaign. But whatever happens with respect to Brexit, there are tough times ahead – we’ve...

Bugger Boris Jun30

Bugger Boris

Top Tory buffoon Boris Johnson has been mysteriously absent from the public eye since his ‘Leave’ campaign unexpectedly won the recent EU referendum, plunging British politics into chaos and sending the pound plunging. “It’s not like Boris to be so publicity shy,” Albert Frookes, Deputy Political Editor of the Daily Excess confided to The Sleaze. “He’s the sort who’d turn up to the opening of an envelope if he thought it would get him in the papers and on the telly. I can tell you, we’re all getting a bit worried for him – normally he’d be revelling in this sort of publicity.” Amid fears that Johnson is either getting cold feet over a bid for the Tory leadership, been kidnapped by irate ‘Remain’ supporters, or has been struck down by illness, another, more startling, theory for his absence has been advanced. “I have no doubt that Boris Johnson is actually the infamous ‘Balham Buggerer’ who has been playing havoc with South Londoners’ bottoms,” top British paranormal investigator and Fortean Times columnist Roy Crucker told The Sleaze. “His disappearance from the public eye has coincided with a spate of the ‘Buggerer’s’ trademark attacks – it surely can’t just be happen stance, can it?” Supporters of the public school educated political clown moved quickly to dismiss Crucker’s allegations as being ludicrous. “The ‘Balham Buggerer’ ended his reign of terror over a hundred years ago!” declared Frookes. “Is Mr Crucker asking us to believe that one of the country’s most prominent politicians is some kind of reincarnation of a notorious Victorian sex ioffender? Or is he, perhaps, claiming that the spirit of this serial sodomiser has somehow possessed Boris, forcing him to commit anal atrocities by night?” But Crucker stands by his claims, pointing out that...

Full English Coup Jun23

Full English Coup

With the EU referendum looming, disturbing reports as to the ‘Leave’ camp’s contingency plans in the event they lose the poll have emerged. “They just aren’t going to accept a vote to remain in the EU, regardless of the margin of victory,” says Tiberius Fooker, a former ‘Leave’ campaigner who has recently defected to the ‘Remain’ camp in an article in the Daily Norks. “They’re on a mission to seize control of the UK in a ‘Full English Coup’ and implement their crackpot schemes, the EU referendum is just a convenient excuse. If they can carry out a peaceful coup by winning the poll, all the better, as far as they are concerned. But with opinion polls indicating that the result is on a knife edge, they’re preparing military action!” According to Fooker, the ‘Leave’ camp has a whole paramilitary structure ready to seize strategic institutions. “A lot of it is down to Iain Duncan Smith and his military background,” explains Fooker in the ‘Remain’ supporting tabloid. “He’s recruited all these ex-squaddies from his old regiment and has got them ready and waiting to seize post offices, police stations and town halls all over the country. In London, they are planning to seize all the main government buildings and departments.” Sceptics in the ‘Leave’ supporting right wing press have poured scorn on the claims, pointing out that most of former Guards officer Duncan Smith’s former military colleagues would now be nearing retirement and in no fit state to carry out a coup in the face of Britain’s current armed forces. “What do you think all those cuts in defence spending over the past six years were about – austerity?” asks Fooker, who claims that the anti-EU paramilitary coup has been in years in the...

Red Blooded Bigotry

“God damn it, we’ve got to take this opportunity to pump these limp wristed homos full of good straight redneck blood,” the Reverend Horatio Dump told the Weekly World Shopper, available at supermarket checkouts throughout the mid west, as he organised emergency blood donations in the aftermath of the mass shootings at an Orlando gay nightclub. “Once those boys have had a couple of pints of blood group hetero, they’ll be true red blooded American males with eyes only for women’s breasts and butts and a desire to stick their privates in the right orifices!” Dump, a colourful local figure who heads his own ministry, the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Shit Kickers, has been accused by both media and local community leaders, of trying to exploit the tragedy in Florida in order to advance his own homophobic agenda, something he strongly denies. “Look, there’s a reason they don’t let these gay boys and lesbian ladies donate their blood in this state,” he declared. “They don’t want to take the risk of their tainted blood turning good straight folk the other way, let alone infecting them with all that AIDS and other sick stuff swilling about in their veins. So, the only way to save the injured is to pump them full of good straight blood. I’m just trying to ensure maximum survival rates by recruiting the fittest most virile donors available – who all happen to be strapping heterosexual rednecks. Every one of them a gun owner.” He also denies that his belief that homosexuality can be cured via blood transfusion is unscientific nonsense. “What’s nonsense is this cock-eyed modern liberal mumbo jumbo that being gay is somehow ‘natural’ and in the genes – it’s a disease,” he asserted. “Like...

Boris Goes Ape Jun09

Boris Goes Ape

“It was his own fault – if he hadn’t gone near that child it would never have happened,” Roger Boner, a spokesperson for the Metropolitan police told the press following the shooting of former London Mayor and Brexit campaigner Boris Johnson earlier today. “People saw this great hulking beast holding a small child by the arm and they just panicked – it was like that business in Cleveland all over again, when they shot that gorilla after that kid climbed into its enclosure.” The full circumstances of the Boris Johnson incident still aren’t entirely clear, all that is known is that the right wing buffoon was campaigning in South London for the ‘Leave’ movement in the run up to the EU referendum. He was apparently addressing an open air public meeting when the child somehow managed to climb onto the podium. “All Boris was trying to do was to remove the child from the podium to a place of safety,” Algernon Plank, an anti-EU campaigner who witnessed the whole incident told a local newspaper. “But a section of the crowd – probably remain supporters – assumed that he was putting the child at risk and started screaming at Boris, which just panicked him and put him on the defensive.” Other witnesses, however, are adamant that the former Mayor was behaving aggressively. “He was holding the child over his head with both hands and snarling at the audience,” Remain supporter Fred Frick claimed. “I don’t see how that can be construed as being ‘protective’ – quite frankly, I was convinced that he was about to scale the nearest tall building, dragging the kid with him!” The family of the child say that they have no idea how he ended up on the podium with Johnson....

Boris: Top Trumper? Jun02

Boris: Top Trumper?

Who is the British media personality hiding behind the latest super injunction?  This time the gagging order, rather than hiding any sexual indiscretion, is apparently to prevent any reporting of a bitter dispute between a well known politician and his neighbours, who have alleged that his early morning farting has turned their local area into the ‘Windy City’ and is disturbing their peace, damaging their property, causing mental anguish and lowering house prices in their street.  “It might sound like a joke, but we aren’t talking about regular farting here – I’ve heard it for myself and it borders on Krakatoa-level eruptions,” says Brian Wiffler, Deputy Political Editor of the Daily Norks, who has investigated the story, but been prevented from publishing it due to the injunction. “His next door neighbours sent me a recording – it’s truly ear-splitting – but they couldn’t identify themselves, the perpetrator, or even the address, for fear of being found in contempt of court!” The anti-social behaviour in question allegedly occurs every morning, when the personality in question gets up and goes into his bathroom. “He just lets them rip – an entire night’s worth of trapped wind in a series of increasingly violent farts,” claims Wiffler. “Sometimes it goes on for half an hour. Sure, everyone sits in their toilet and has a bloody good fart every morning – but not on this scale!” Wiffler has succeeded in speaking to the family most affected by the anal aural assaults, although he can’t identify them, other than as ‘Family W’, or reveal their location. They are understandably angry and frustrated at the situation, feeling that ‘outing’ the individual in question as a social menace would most definitely be in the public interest. Most of all, they are distraught at...

Three Line Whip May26

Three Line Whip

Is a new code of conduct needed for sex workers? That’s certainly the view of Tory back bencher Joseph Fotheringham-Cock, whose private members bill proposing the introduction of binding non-disclosure contacts upon sex workers employed by the rich and famous, is currently having its first reading in the Commons. “It really is getting out of hand, these women selling their ‘kiss and tell’ stories to the press, revealing, in lurid detail, what they’d been doing with the great and the good in private,” the MP, who is currently the subject of a series of sensational revelations in the Daily Norks, concerning his liaisons with notorious Kensington dominatrix ‘Saucy Sarah Spankbottom’, under the title ‘Three Line Whip’, explained to the House. “Frankly, I’m shocked that the rich and famous apparently can no longer rely upon the discretion of the sex workers they use. Damn it, shouldn’t a chap be able to expect lifelong silence when he’s paid good money for their services?” He denied vehemently that his Bill was in any way frivolous or motivated by purely personal considerations.  “I don’t think that it is at all a waste of parliamentary time attempting to impose legal restrictions on escorts and other ladies of the night – these constant scurrilous stories are in danger of bringing government business to a halt every time one of them names a minister.,” he claimed. “It becomes impossible for the poor buggers at the centre of these so called ‘sex scandals’ to get on with their proper business without being pilloried and ridiculed, completely undermining their credibility.” Indeed, Fotheringham-Cock believes that sex workers should themselves be welcoming his initiative, as it would, effectively, give legal recognition to their professional status. “By imposing client confidentiality upon them, it would put them...

Destroy All Beards May19

Destroy All Beards

“I know it might seem like a really crap superpower, but believe me, it could prove to be the salvation of mankind,” declares thirty seven year old Albert Nackler, who claims to have developed the power to remotely wipe the beards from the faces of hipsters. “I know that I’ve only destroyed the one hipster bear so far, but with proper training to harness my new power, I’m sure that I can rid the world of them all.” Nackler discovered his bizarre power as a result of a long-running parking dispute with one of his neighbours. “The hairy peasant from number thirty nine kept parking in the space I rent in the council car park, despite the fact that his permit is for on-road parking only – I pay four times what he pays for the privilege of putting my vehicle in that car park, so as not to have to fight for a space on the street,” the Thatcham stationary salesman explains. “The bastard just sneered at me when I confronted him, claiming that he could park where he liked after six o’clock – which is utter nonsense. That section of the car park is clearly for permit holders only. All day. On top of his arrogance, he sported this ridiculous hipster beard. All straggly and unstyled, it looked like he had some kind of fungicidal infection on his face. For some reason, it enraged me beyond all reason!” Nackler found himself obsessed with his neighbour’s unruly facial hair. “Every time I saw him, I just kept beaming the thought ‘You look like a hairy twat with that beard’ at him,” he reveals. “I kept doing it for weeks: whenever I saw him parking his car illegally, whenever I saw him with his...

Dead Scandalous

Just who are the celebrities hiding behind the latest crop of super injunctions? Whilst Britain’s tabloids have been desperately attempting to get the injunctions preventing them from naming the celebrities involved in alleged three-in-a-bed romps, or the subject of kiss-and-tell revelations from former sex workers lifted, one journalist believes that he might have uncovered the extraordinary truth behind the – censored – headlines. “When I first read in the US magazines that the celebrity involved in the kiss-and-tell injunction was a major A-List British actor, I felt sure that it going to turn out to be Sir Ian McKellan,” says Ronnie Toe, Showbiz Correspondent for the Daily Norks. “He was in all those Hobbit films, wasn’t he? Not to mention X-Men. If that doesn’t make him A-list, I don’t know what would!” Sir Ian’s sexual orientation and the fact that the former sex worker at the centre of the story was female didn’t deter Toe from pursuing the story. “Listen, that’s what made the story so sensational – let’s face it ‘famous man pays call girl for sex’ is hardly shocking any more, let alone a news story worthy of the front page,” he explained. “But ‘leading self avowedly gay star’s secret straight sex shame with prostitute’ is just about the most sensational sex scandal headline you can have these days!” So enthused at the prospect of Toe’s speculative exclusive was the Daily Norks, that it even had a front page mocked up and ready to roll should the combined legal might of Britain’s gutter press get the super injunction lifted. “We were hoping that it could be the first of a series in which we ‘Inned’ well known, supposedly gay, celebrities,” says Toe. “The idea was to expose the way in which unscrupulous...

A Hundred Rants May05

A Hundred Rants

Momentous days here at The Sleaze, if we still ran the old numbered issue system, we’d now be on our hundredth issue. Which means, logically, that this must be the hundredth editorial. A sobering thought – this is the hundredth time I’ve cobbled together a collection of my angry, incoherent rantings and tried to pass it off as some kind of editorial comment. You know, I think I’ve got away with it up to now. I’d like to be able to refer you to the very first editorial we published, so that you can compare and contrast. Sadly, the earliest editorials were lost during one the site’s many transitions over the years – I probably still have copies, but I think that they are locked up on the hard drive of a now defunct PC. But don’t worry – you haven’t really missed anything: just select a few editorials at random from the existing archive and you’ll get the idea. I don’t think my various obsessions, psychoses, whinges and rants have changed much over the years. In fact, I’ll give you a quick digest: Tory bastards, Google is evil, shoot the rich, up the revolution, end management bullshit, death to capitalism. I think that about covers it. But here we are in this historic hundredth editorial – what shall we talk about this time? It isn’t as if we’re short of pressing issues, is it? I mean, there are those allegations (from the electoral commission, no less) of massive election expenses fraud by the Tories in last year’s general election, (something the BBC and the rest of the media, except Channel Four, seem remarkably reluctant to cover), then there’s the whole anti-Semitism storm the right are trying to whip up around Corbyn and the...

Celebrity Killers

The most recent spate of celebrity deaths – including Prince, Ronnie Corbett and Victoria Wood – has left many in the entertainment industry suspecting that a sinister plot lies behind the holocaust o the past few months. “It started at Christmas, with Lemmy from Motorhead, since then not a week has gone by without some household name or other turning up their toes,” Tommy Jinks, former Showbiz editor of Vague magazine recently told The Sleaze. “I ask you, what are the odds of that, eh? It surely can’t be coincidence – something has to be going on!” The journalist rejects the conventional theories which have so far been advanced to explain the recent high mortality rate amongst celebrities, which have included decadent lifestyles finally catching up with some stars and generational explanations which point to the explosion in the number of celebrities since World War Two. “Sure, there are more celebrities than ever before so, statistically, there are bound to be more deaths, but not on this scale, surely,” he muses. “I mean, I know that there’s a whole generation of old time celebrities now lurching into their dotage, but with the kind of health care they can afford, there’s no way they’d be popping their clogs at this rate. As for the unhealthy lifestyle business, well, we all know that the likes of Lemmy, Bowie and Prince popped pills, drank oceans of booze and snorted every substance known to man, but how does that explain Ronnie Corbett, or Paul Daniels? Nobody is going to convince me that they were secret coke heads!” Jinks instead suspects that the answer to the mystery of the celebrity deaths has already been answered – and ridiculed by his colleagues in the entertainment industry. “Maybe crazy man Randy...