“I thought there was going to be a lynching when they dragged that fella out into the street, covered in batter and fries – I guess that’s the fast food equivalent of being tarred and feathered – and tried to throw a rope over that lamppost,” says Harrison Bunne, a witness to the recent disturbance at a burger bar in the Washington suburbs, which saw a mob storm the premises and assault employees. “Luckily the cops arrived and broke it all up – but for a while it was absolute pandemonium in there, it is a miracle that nobody was killed!” The incident saw a group of protestors, some waving placards saying ‘All meat is flesh’, burst into Woofty Burgers in West Springfield and assaulted staff – there are claims that there was an attempt to drown one employee in a deep fat fryer, while another, dressed as the shop’s mascot, an anthropomorphic dog called ‘Woofty’ was forced to flee out of the building’s back door, pursued by a group of protestors waving meat cleavers. “It wasn’t just the employees – they were snatching burgers out of customers’ hands, bellowing at them that they didn’t know what they were eating,” recalls Bunne, who was waiting at the counter for his order when the attack happened. “A bunch of them ran jumped over the counter and swarmed into the storeroom behind – there was lots of crashing and I could hear them shouting something about finding ‘the altar’ and ‘rescuing the kids’!”

In common with many others who witnessed the incident, Bunne assumed that the protestors were animal rights or environmental protestors. “At the time, I just thought that they were claiming that the meat in the burgers had involved animal cruelty in its preparation, or had somehow been contaminated,” he muses. “But their sheer fury toward the employees and all that talk of altars and kids just seemed so frenzied – it was like they were possessed, or on some kind of religious crusade!” It quickly transpired that those involved in storming the restaurant had been guided in their actions by a conspiracy theory being promulgated on right-wing websites and social media apps, claiming that the premises were the centre of a cult kidnapping and sacrificing children and using their flesh to make burgers. The claims are reminiscent of those made as part of the so called Qanon conspiracy, that a pizza restaurant I Washington was the centre of a child trafficking and paedophilia network, patronised by various prominent liberal politicians and media personalities. Despite no evidence ever being produced to back up the bizarre claims, they too resulted in an attack on the restaurant.

“Look, this is nothing like that,” says Elias Butty, who was arrested at the scene of the Woofty Burger incident and is currently on bail, awaiting trial. “The guy behind these claims definitely has high level connections – I mean, who knows the names of all the intelligence agencies, even the obscure ones – and has access to top level surveillance recordings showing several well known Democrats, including Senators and cabinet members, entering the burger bar by the back entrance! Not that he can share the footage, of course, or he would compromise his own safety!” According to Butty and his fellow rioters, children are regularly tempted into the fast food emporium with two-for-one offers, or the promise of cardboard promotional hats shaped like dog ears and cheap plastic toys. “The whole thing is set up to lure them in,” he claims. “Why else would they have that cute dog mascot? It is obviously designed to bring in the kiddies!” Indeed, Butty claims that the claims made in the conspiracy theory have made him suspicious of other fast food chains. “It has certainly made me think – I mean why does MacDonalds have a clown as its mascot?” he asks. “What about the ‘King’ at Burger King? They’re clearly designed to appeal to kiddies. I’m not saying they they’re into child sacrifices and cannibalism as well but, well, it makes you think, doesn’t it?”

But what purpose do the alleged child sacrifices and cannibalism at Woofty Burger serve? “It’s obvious, isn’t it?” says an exasperated Butty. “It’s all about these people extending their lifespans – haven’t you noticed how politicians are getting older? Not to mention the number of celebrities still looking good and getting it on with young girls well past normal pensionable age? How do you think Joe Biden keeps finding the energy to carry on as President? They all chow down on burgers made from the flesh of murdered children, absorbing all of their rejuvenating young hormones and vitality!” In order to cut costs, the online conspiracy theory claims, Woofty Burgers use any meat left over for their regular burgers. “Which is why their customers are, on average, far more youthful looking than those of any other chain,” opines Butty. The manager of the West Springfield Woofty Burger has categorically denied all accusations of child sacrifice and cannibalism in his restaurant. “For God’s sake, these allegations are utterly ridiculous and completely without foundation,” Joe Grille explains. “It was bad enough that time when, because we have a dog for a mascot and are called Woofty Burgers, some idiot started a rumour that we were using dog meat in our burgers. Frankly, I think it was motivated by bigotry – just because the owner of the business is Korean doesn’t mean that we conform to racist stereotypes.”

He is also mystified as to the claims of high powered politicians and A-list celebrities visiting the burger bar. “We can’t even get our local mayor to eat here, let alone congressmen,” he says. “We did once have a local council guy in here – but he only came in to use the toilet and I’m pretty sure he’s a Republican. Whatever he is, what he did in that john was disgusting, customers were gagging on their milkshakes the stench was so bad – we had to close up for the day and have the place fumigated.” Academic Phil Broiler, Associate Professor of Politics and Catering at the University of Newington, isn’t surprised by the developments at Woofty Burger. “It’s just symptomatic of contemporary US politics, where the right’s strategy is based upon mobilising huge angry mobs on the basis of complete fabrications,” he says. “If it isn’t cannibalism at burger joints, its paedophilia at pizza parlours or fantasies about how Covid vaccinations turn you gay. It’s quite depressing, really.” Police have now confirmed that the originator of the conspiracy theory has been traced: he is a currently unemployed meat packer from nearby Crosspointe who claims to be unable to work as he is ‘vaccine damaged’ and supplements his welfare payments with a ‘Go Fund Me’ account.