“At first I couldn’t believe that it was him, I mean the last person you’d expect to meet on Mars is the President of the United States, isn’t it?” declares thirty-seven year old Tulsa resident Doug Bladge, who claims to have been involved in a top secret NASA project to teleport astronauts to various planets of the solar system. “But there was no doubt that behind the visor of that space helmet was Barack Obama!” According to Bladge, who says that he visited Mars last November using only the power of his mind, President Obama was present on the red planet in order to conduct vital peace talks with the representatives of several alien civilisations from beyond the solar system. “He told me that Earth was on the brink of a full-fledged interstellar conflict with these beings as a direct result of the activities of one of Obama’s White House predecessors,” Bladge recently told notorious supermarket tabloid The Weekly World Shopper. “It seems that during his time in the Oval Office, President Clinton had been engaging in non-consenting sex with captured aliens being held in Area 51!”

The supposed space traveller claims that the former President’s otherworldly sexual shenanigans began shortly after his inauguration in 1992, when he was first made party to the US’s greatest secrets: the contents of Area 51. “As with all new President’s, he was taken to the top secret base in the Nevada desert and shown the crashed alien spaceship hidden there, from which scientists were trying to reverse-engineer extra-terrestrial technology. But it wasn’t just the downed flying saucer they had there – they were also holding captive the surviving crew of the ship,” Bladge alleged in the tabloid article. “Apparently, the sexual attraction between Clinton and the aliens was obvious from the moment he clapped eyes on them – before anyone could stop him, he’d stripped naked and had mounted the nearest one!” After several minutes of frenzied love-making, the President allegedly climaxed with an earth-shattering scream, before dismounting the creature and breathlessly declaring that it was ‘the best bang I’ve ever had’. “That was an incredible endorsement, coming from the greatest sex machine to sit in the Oval Office since Jack Kennedy,” Bladge claimed in the newspaper. “He insisted on taking one of them back to Washington with him – he kept in the basement of the White House for regular sex sessions.” This abuse, Bladge says, went on for both of Clinton’s terms as President. “He kept wearing the poor bastards out, so they had to keep sending replacements up from Area 51,” he alleges. “Obviously, they quickly ran out, and had to resort to abducting unsuspecting alien visitors to the planet to satisfy Clinton’s apparently insatiable sexual appetite!”

Not surprisingly, most official sources have dismissed the Weekly World Shopper story out of hand, with the Department of Defense categorically denying the existence of Area 51 and the White House categorically denying that President Obama had ever visited Mars, let alone met Doug Bladge there. The condemnation of the story has been echoed by the scientific community, who have unanimously dismissed it as sensationalist nonsense. “These stories of the President having sex with aliens in the White House are patently ridiculous – none of them ever left Area 51,” Dr Harold Mould, a former military scientist who claims to have worked at the secret base, has told Fox News. “Mr Clinton only ever had the one sexual encounter with these beings – all of the subsequent activity was part of a scientific investigation inspired by his experience, and was carried out by specially selected military personnel.” Seventy-two year old Mould claims that for over ten years his team engaged in a series of experiments to determine the effects of human-alien sexual relations. “The fact is that sex with these creatures was, quite literally, out of this world! Not only do they have so many more orifices than a human being, but through some mechanism, they amplify the moment of climax, turning it into not only a physical experience, but an intensely sensual mental experience!” he recalled. “We’re not sure whether it involves some sort of telepathic feedback, or is down to an intense electromagnetic field manifested as an aura, or even down to some sort of natural narcotic secretion, but the end result is akin to a sexually charged acid trip! According to our experimental subjects, it isn’t just a case of the earth moving for them, it’s like simultaneously experiencing every orgasm in the universe!”

The experiments didn’t just involve male human on indeterminate gender alien sex. “These creatures seemed to be equipped both with sexual orifices and appendages apparently analogous to penises – several of them, in fact. Consequently, we were able to organise several experimental sessions involving multiple participants of both human genders,” Mould told a stunned Fox News interviewer. “The results were amazing, with the human participants reporting a kind of psychedelic mind-meld at the moment of climax – which came simultaneously for them! The creature seemed to create some kind of psychic link between them, allowing them all to experience each other’s orgasms, all at the same time!” Unfortunately, the aliens involved didn’t seem to enjoy the experience as much as the human participants. “Several of them seemed to just shrivel up and die, making this horrible keening sound as they did so,” the scientist pondered. “Even worse, the ones used in the multiple sex experiments actually exploded. Luckily, as they appeared to have no hardened skeleton, nobody was injured, just covered in this horrible white sticky stuff. We still don’t know whether it exploded as the result of ecstasy, pain or some kind of sensory overload.”

The high attrition rate of their experimental subjects soon left the scientists with a problem – they found themselves rapidly running out of aliens. “As we saw it, there was only one way to replenish our stocks – we had to abduct more of them,” opined Mould. “The first stage was to lure them to earth, which turned out to be easier than we thought – they turned out to be very gullible and susceptible to all those invitations for alien contact we kept beaming into space from our radio telescopes! They actually believed all that ‘We come in peace’ crap!” Elaborate crop circles also proved to be highly attractive to the aliens. “They kept coming down in droves to look at them,” he chuckled. “Once their ships were on the ground, we had snatch teams waiting for them to come out and explore – sometimes we’d even get people to approach them with white flags and the like, to lure them into a false sense of security. We’d usually be able to abduct at least two before they got scared and flew off again in their ships!” Ultimately, this campaign of alien abductions resulted in a stand-off with the alien cultures involved. “They threatened to incinerate the earth if we didn’t stop,” explains the white haired scientist. “Obviously, they had far more advanced weaponry than us, so we had no choice but to send Obama to negotiate – as part of the reparations we have to pay them, we now have to allow them to abduct and sexually abuse at least a thousand humans every year. Even worse, we’re now on the intergalactic sex offenders register – we can’t go within two light years of inhabited alien planets.”

For his part, Doug Bladge maintains the authenticity of his story, despite NASA’s denial of the existence of any interplanetary teleportation programme. “Obviously, they want to keep it quiet, but it makes perfect sense with all the budget cuts they’ve suffered – it’s far cheaper than using rockets,” says the former tyre-groover, who also believes that the teleportation technique used by the space agency might owe something to Area 51’s alien sex experiments. “In order to amplify our natural teleporting abilities to allow travel between planets, our genitals were sexually stimulated by some mysterious device in the groin area of our space suits, whilst we visualised our destination as a sort of masturbatory fantasy. At the moment of climax, we opened our eyes – and there we were!”