The government is refusing to comment on rumours that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is planning to abdicate following her Diamond Jubilee celebrations. Speculation that either a sex scandal, involving ninety one year old Prince Philip, or the discovery of a massive cannabis farm on Prince Charles’ Highfield estate, has forced the abdication, have rapidly spread across the internet. However, according to unofficial sources close to Buckingham Palace, the long-serving monarch feels that the Jubilee represents a perfect opportunity to draw a line under her record-breaking reign. “Let’s face it, sixty years is a bloody good innings by anyone’s standard – only Queen Victoria, amongst modern monarchs, did better,” former Royal butler Arliss Nobbs has told The Sleaze. “Her Majesty feels that it is better to go out on a high like this, rather than relinquishing the throne simply by dying – which would be a real downer for everyone. As ever, she’s putting her subjects first – she doesn’t want them to have to endure weeks of official mourning, with all forms of public entertainment suspended for the duration.” The ex-servant does concede that the Queen’s motivations for standing down aren’t entirely positive. “There’s no doubt that she’s grown weary of the whole business – sixty years of shaking hands, opening shopping centres and garden parties are enough to wear anybody down,” he says. “The fact is that being forced to sit through that bloody Jubilee concert, listening to the likes of Gary Barlow and Elton John vocally prostrating themselves before her, was the final straw. It’s like having to sit through every Royal Variety Performance rolled into one!”

Perhaps even more shocking than the Queen’s proposed abdication is the news that she won’t be succeeded by Prince Charles. “That’s the big news, that it won’t just be her that’s going – it’s the whole House of Windsor,” the one time butler breathlessly explains. “It isn’t that Her Majesty doesn’t trust him, although she doesn’t, but it’s a political decision. The government has decided that they want to put the monarchy out to tender – they’re looking for someone who can do it more cost-effectively, with fewer staff and overheads. That’s why Charles won’t be the next King – he refused to take a pay cut or rationalise the Royal estates by divesting himself of at least four palaces, and a castle.” According to Nobbs, the government is hoping for bids from other European Royal families, having been impressed at the low-running costs of Norwegian, Swedish and Belgian royalty. “They have only a handful of palaces and often use public transport,” he says. “They also don’t have all those hangers-on that our lot are surrounded by, draining the public purse.” Another alternative would be to sub-contract the monarchy to a corporation like Serco or Virgin. “Imagine the possibilities for commercial endorsements: the Virgin Queen of England, for instance,” says Nobbs. “They could recruit their own, good looking, Royal family from the world of fashion and celebrity, or maybe turn it into a talent contest, inviting the public to vote on a possible new monarch.”

Naturally, the question on everyone’s lips is what the Queen plans to do, if she goes through with her rumoured abdication? Some sources are suggesting that she and her family might themselves bid for one of the other European monarchies. “There’s no question that a smaller monarchy would be less demanding, which would be ideal for someone of the Queen’s age,” opines constitutional expert Dr Reginald Forceps of East Sonning Craft College. “Then there’s the question of climate – somewhere warmer and drier would be good for Prince Philip’s lumbago. You also have to factor in the succession – a country with a more progressive culture might be more receptive to some of Prince Charles’ wilder ideas, for instance.” Forceps believes that at least one European monarchy has already been ruled out. “There has been much speculation that the Windsor’s might take over the Spanish royal franchise, after King Juan Carlos undermined his credibility by being picture big game hunting whilst ordinary Spaniards are losing their jobs or having their wages cut as a result of economic austerity,” the academic explains. “But the sticking point is, of course, religion, with Her Majesty, head of the Anglican church of course, refusing to convert to Catholicism.”

Nobbs rejects such suggestions, revealing that perhaps the biggest factor in the Queen’s shock decision to abdicate is her boredom with the social circles she is forced to move in, and that her future plans have been shaped by this factor. “Six decades of having to deal with all those chinless wonders with more money than sense, has left her exasperated,” he says. “Quite frankly, most of them are as thick as pig shit and have no topics of conversation beyond shooting things and horses. Even worse, they’re all so damned sycophantic in her presence. Her Majesty has decided that, in her remaining years, she wants to live amongst the common people. She wants to exchange garden parties for nights at the local pub, and state banquets for bingo!” Indeed, the Queen already has a terraced house in South London lined up as her new post-abdication residence, Nobbs claims. “Obviously, a two-up, two-down will be a bit of culture shock after all those castles and palaces, but at least it means that her family won’t be able to stay over and leech off of them all the time, as there’s no room,” he declares. “Plus, it’s ideally placed on the bus route to Tesco.”

Dr Forceps, however, believes that any proposed adoption by the Queen of a working class lifestyle has less to do with her personal preferences, than it has with government policy. “It’s all about ‘social mobility’, it’s this millionaire government’s latest catch phrase. They need to be able to show that people can move between social classes – downwards, as well as upwards,” he explains. “The current Royal family, with all their wealth, privilege and palaces, rather undermines not only their rhetoric about ‘social mobility’, but also their claims that ‘we are all in it together’ with regard to economic austerity. By demoting this lot to a council estate whilst simultaneously replacing them with a new cost-effective and populist monarchy, the government are hoping to kill two birds with one stone.” The constitutional expert also suspects that the Prime Minister himself might have a personal motivation for wanting to see the Queen abdicate. “Let’s not forget that Cameron’s a distant cousin of the Queen, as he likes to remind everyone,” he muses. “It’s entirely possible that, with the House of Windsor out of the way, he could find himself next in line to the throne. With the way things are going, it is probably the only chance he has of retaining power in any form.”